I'm lost and fading

Hi there. I'm Lukas. Degrassi graduate. In love with Marcus Martin.

[little-martin-blog]

{miles away} larcus

[little-martin-blog]

Marcus practically followed Lukas around like a lost puppy as soon as his father walked in the room and told them it was time to leave. Marcus didn’t want their time to be up, but he didn’t really have a say in anything. So, Marcus just nodded and got off the bed, following right behind the tall blond. They made their way outside of the house, and to the SUV that held some of Lukas’ other stuff. Marcus chuckled at Lukas’ mom’s comment, and then everyone went in the car.

It was surreal in a way. Someone who loved you more than the world could just leave in a flash, and all you had to do was nod and hope to see them soon. Marcus looked at Lukas as he grabbed his hand and he blushed. It was these little things that made Marcus fall in love with Lukas. He was perfect.

But it felt like everything perfect always had to end. Technically, it wasn’t ending, but to Marcus it felt like it was in a way. “I love you,“ Marcus whispered, still looking at the blond. Then he remembered them talking about long distance, and that made Marcus happy, but he had his doubts. Could it really work though? Marcus thought that if they tried hard, it could, but he just wasn’t sure on anything- it was going to be hard without him.

Squeezing Lukas’ hand tighter, he chuckled softly as he moved his gaze down to their hands; they fit perfectly too. Marcus breathed deeply, trying to put this feeling into his memories. Lukas’ soft and warm hand connected to his, the tight embrace and mutual feeling of not wanting it to end.

“I’m gonna miss this,” he confessed, and then gave Lukas a sad smile.

[lukashills]

“I love you, too,” Lukas whispered back, sighing heavily after. He hated this. He hated having to leave the people he loved. He kept thinking about his parents. What were they gonna do all day since he wasn’t there anymore? Would they still do family game night? Would they still watch movies together on Saturday night? He had no idea, and part of him didn’t want to know, because he knew he would miss it too much.

And of course, Marcus. The light of his life. What was gonna do without him? there was still texting, calling, Facetime, and Skype, but it just wasn’t the same as the two of them being together. Lukas knew Marcus came to him whenever something was wrong. It was easy, since they were at school together, and they lived across the street from each other. But it would be so much harder now that he’s so far away, now that he’ll be a ‘busy college student’.

But he promised himself he wouldn’t think so negatively. He knew they would make it work, they’ve done it before. They’ll make it work. They’re Marcus and Lukas, they can do anything together. Even if they’re apart.

Lukas nodded slowly when Marcus said he was gonna miss this. “Me too, so much.” He said, running his thumb soothingly over Marcus’ thumbs. “But you’ll hopefully be able to visit me really soon, so. It might not be as long as we think.” Lukas said, trying to restore Marcus’ happiness, because he knew how hard this was for him.

The drive was over all too quickly, and Lukas could feel a pit growing in his stomach. He was feeling anxious, nervous, and scared. He didn’t want to leve. But at the same time, he wanted to get the best out of his college years, and UCSB was one of his dream schools, it was a miracle he was accepted, since their acceptance rate is so low. He knew he couldn’t pass this chance up.

They collected his bags from the car, making their way into the Toronto Pearson International airport. They took care of his luggage, and got him through security. They were able to wait with him right at the gate, which Lukas really needed. That gave them more time to say goodbye.

They sat down in a few empty seats near the window, and Lukas could see the plane he was about to board to reach his new home. He took a deep breath, and looked at Marcus, intertwining their fingers again. “Thanks for coming with us. I really appreciate it.” He said, giving Marcus a quick peck on the lips.

[littletorres-blog]

{tied together with a smile} autumn&lukas

[littletorres-blog]

The wait for Lukas to open the door was horrible, despite it barely being thirty seconds or so. Autumn was getting impatient- from the moment she left Rebecca’s house, she couldn’t wait to see Lukas. He needed some cheering up, and honestly, so did she. 

When the door was opened, Lukas at first looked a bit tired and confused, but as soon as he saw her face, a gasp escaped his lips, and Autumn squealed excitedly as he hugged her tightly, practically crushing her entire body.

“Well,” she spoke as she pulled away from his hug, “I know I’m about an hour late for your birthday, but I couldn’t not give you a present, right?” She smiled, holding out the big birthday bag in front of her to give to him. “Plus, I didn’t get to properly say goodbye to you, so-” she shrugged. This definitely was the coolest present she’s ever given someone.

“Let me check out the dorm!” She spoke, sliding past him and entering the room. It didn’t look like much- empty walls, boxes all over the place, and a bed that was definitely too small for Lukas’ tall body.

“My present is definitely going to help this room out,” Autumn admitted, crossing her arms over her chest and nodding her head twice, agreeing with herself. “Hurry up and open it!”

[lukashills]

As Autumn explained herself, Lukas rolled his eyes playfully, and smiled. “I told you not to get me anything.” He said, looking down at the bag. He said that to everyone; he really didn’t like getting birthday gifts. He’d rather have a hug and a ‘happy birthday, dude!’ and he’d be set.

He knew Autumn was stubborn, though, so she would’ve done it no matter what. He took the bag from her, and stepped aside so she could enter his dorm. He quirked a brow when she said the gift would help out the room.

“I sure hope so, it’s really plain right now.” Sure, he had some stuff to hang up, but he wanted to more things to really make it his dorm. “Okay okay!” He said, the two of them sitting side by side on his bed.

He pulled out the tissue paper that was in the bag, and pulled out the first thing in the bag. It seemed like a poster. He carefully unrolled it, and laughed when he saw what it was. It was an old- really old- New Found Glory poster, one from their first album.

“Wow, this is awesome! I can’t wait to hang it up,” He said, looking at Autumn. He set down the poster, and reached in the bag again, pulling out a picture frame. He looked at the picture in the frame, and gasped lightly at it.

It was a picture of the Dead Sister gang. They were sitting on the couch in Lukas’ living room, the four of them squeezed on to the little couch, their faces permanently contorted into smiles from laughing while the picture was being taken by Lukas’ mom. He was gonna miss those three girl so much. Scarlett’s sassy mouth, and Brooke’s too. He was gonna miss Brooke’s opinionated rants, and the occasional argument followed by lots of hugs and apologies.

He smiled, feeling his eyes well up with tears. He blinked rapidly, a few tears flowing down his cheeks. “I think this is the best gift I’ve ever gotten, this is really sweet, Autumn,” He said, looking at her and sniffling. “You really didn’t have to do this.”

[littletorres-blog]

{tied together with a smile} autumn&lukas

Autumn had practically been stalking Lukas since the moment his plane had left, prepared to give him the biggest surprise ever.

She felt bad for him, since he had to leave everything and everyone he knew behind to start a new life in California for college, and on his birthday. It was probably pretty scary for him, so Autumn wanted to make it up to him when he got there. With a surprise visit, and cool presents.

She originally just bought him a New Found Glory poster, to hang in his new dorm, because they both would always rock out to that band together, but she felt that she needed to add something else that was special, as well. So, she printed out a picture of the Dead Sister gang and framed it, just so he could always have them with him. It was perfect.

She had texted him multiple times, asking where he was, how far he was, just to double check on him, even though she had tracked his flight and everything. When he was finally at his dorm, Autumn was able to take Alec’s truck, since he felt so bad for her about everything that was going on, and drive down to Lukas’ new college, excitement coursing through her veins and her stress and anxiety finally disappearing for awhile.

She didn’t feel bad one bit because of how late it was- by the time she got to the school, it was 1 am. She knew Lukas wasn’t asleep, though, because she was still texting him (while driving, but she had to in order to keep her plan going).

Once she was out of her car, she had to find her way through the dorms and to Lukas’ room. It was a bit of a hassle, but she knew it’d be worth it in the end. With a big birthday bag in her hand, she stood in front of his room and knocked three times, practically shaking with excitement.

She couldn’t wait to see the look on his face. 

[lukashills]

After a long six hour flight from the Toronto Pearson airport to LAX, Lukas was finally in California. He could already feel the jet lag affecting him, since his brain was still three hours ahead.

The flight to LA was pretty nice, one of the workers for the airline was able to upgrade him to first class for no charge, as a birthday gift. He watched a movie, and slept the rest of the way, trying not to let the home sickness get to him already.

Autumn and Marcus had been texting him the whole time, checking up on him, seeing how he was doing, and how far out he was. That gave Lukas comfort, knowing they were concerned about him. He already missed both of them terribly; he didn’t know how he was gonna handle this.

Once he landed, and went through baggage claim, his car was brought to him from the shipping yard where it arrived. Aside from his possessions that were waiting for him at the dorm, having his car made him feel a little bit better; a little more at home.

The hour drive to his new school; his new home, wasn’t that bad. He listened to radio, and thought about all the new experiences he would have. He actually started to feel excited about being in college.

It was midnight by the time he actually got to UC Santa Barbara, momentarily marveling at it’s beauty, before going to the office and getting himself registered, and the key to his dorm. He got his key, and found his dorm, which proved a bit difficult with his suitcases, and just being brand new to the campus, but he eventually found it.

He stared at the numbers engraved on the door- 373- for a moment, and took a deep breath, before unlocking his door. He stepped inside, and turned on the light, smiling softly at all the boxes that nearly covered the entire floor. There was small bed in the corner, and from looking at it Lukas knew his 6′5 body wouldn’t fit on.

He set down his suitcases, and laid on the bed. He was right, his feet hung off the edge. He didn’t mind that much, though. It was 1 am now, and his birthday was over. It was a good one, but not an ideal one.

Lukas knew he should feel tired, but he didn’t It was a mixture of nerves and adrenaline that kept him awake. He thought about unpacking a little until he got sleepy, but then he heard a knock on the door.

His brows furrowed a bit, he wondered who would be wanted to see him at 1 am. He just got here for Pete’s sake! He stood up, and opened the door, a loud gasp immediately escaping his lips once he was who it was.

“AUTUMN!” He shouted, immediately pulling the shorter girl into a crushing hug. He couldn’t believe it! “What are you doing here?!” He asked, trying to hold back the happy tears t wanted to fall.

[little-martin-blog]

{miles away} larcus

Marcus laid down on his stomach on Lukas’ bare bed. He was wearing the UCSB sweater that Lukas had bought him, which Lukas thought “would always remind you of me”. Marcus loved it, it was kind of big on him, and he wore it with nothing underneath especially because it was the first thing he put on after him and Lukas had finished having sex. It was Marcus’ idea, to do it before Lukas left. He wanted to give Lukas one last thing to think about, and one thing to always remember for when he got home sick. Marcus sighed, as he watched Lukas walk around his room- checking for the millionth time everything he was bringing.

Most of his stuff was in the car, anyways, but he was still looking over bags and stuff. Marcus just continued to stare at him. He couldn’t believe it, he was dating a college material boyfriend, but he was leaving today too- on his birthday. Marcus sighed again, and then shut his eyes. At least this summer so far had been pretty good with Lukas. They went on a lot of dates, and had plenty of sleepovers; Marcus couldn’t have been happier. Lukas was really the perfect guy for him, after all they’d been through he stuck with him, always by his side.

Lukas was practically his knight in shining armor. “You’re so cute,” Marcus blurted out, opening his eyes to look at his boyfriend, “Are you sure you don’t wanna pack me in a suitcase and put me with your carry on?” Marcus gave Lukas a lopsided grin, and then let out a chuckle. Then before he knew it, his eyes were brimming with tears, and Marcus had to take a deep breath so he wouldn’t stop bawling.

Marcus was scared to think about what happens after he leaves. Lukas was his rock, and they both knew that. Without Lukas with him, Marcus felt like everything was going to turn to shit- everything was always horrible before he had met Lukas, but things instantly got better when he met him. Lukas was his good luck charm, and he wanted him to stay around- just until he could graduate too and then they could go together. But Marcus knew that could never happen; he was just a boyfriend, and college was the beginning of Lukas’ real life.

But that didn’t mean they had to break up, and they had both agreed not to- they’d wait, and that meant the world to Marcus. Lukas meant the world to Marcus.

[lukashills]

Lukas held a small piece of paper in his hand-a list-, going through the few bags he had left in his room, making sure everything was in it’s place. Most of his stuff had already been flown out to the college, waiting for  him in his dorm. Now, all he had was his clothes to travel with.

Although it was a pretty big bummer that he was leaving on his birthday, it wasn’t a bad birthday at all. His parents gave him a huge lump sum of cash- “To start your freshman year of college off right,”- his dad said. He had received a plethora of text messages and phone call from his friends, all wishing him a happy birthday, a safe flight, and good luck in college.

It was almost too overwhelming for him, he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to leave Toronto. He didn’t want to leave his friends. His parents. And most of all, Marcus.

Marcus was his anchor, someone who he could always talk to about anything. Someone he was comfortable with. Someone he had been with and stuck with through thick and thin. 

Lukas knew he would never ever be able to find someone like him again.

He laughed when Marcus called him cute, and again when he suggested to pack him in a suitcase. “I would if I could. But that send me way over the weight limit.” He paused for a moment, and looked at Marcus. “But I’d definitely pay the fees just so you could come with me.” He said, sitting down next to Marcus on his bed.

“Hey, don’t cry.” He said, putting an arm around Marcus, and pulling him close. “We’re still in my house.” He chuckled a bit, and looked around his room. The walls were bare, stripped of all his posters and pictures. He was gonna miss this room. The room where he grew up, where Allison used to come in and jump on his bed on Christmas morning to wake him up, where he and Autumn screamed New Found Glory songs way too loud, and where he and Marcus shared some of their most precious and intimate moments.

He was gonna miss it a lot.

There was a knock on the door, and Lukas looked up. “Come in,” He said and his dad popped his head in the door. “Alright kid, car’s all loaded up. We gotta get you off to California,” His dad said, cracking a small smile. His eyes were bloodshot, he and Lukas’ mom hadn’t stopped crying all day. It was mostly happy tears, happy that their son was going off to college, but some sad ones, since he was gonna be so far away.

His dad closed his door, and Lukas sighed heavily. He looked at Marcus, and bent down to give him a kiss. Once he did, he turned an grabbed the last bags that were his his room. The two of them made their way down the stairs, out of the house, and to his dad’s large SUV that was parked at the curb. Lukas’ car had already been shipped to UCSB as well, and it was there waiting for him, too.

His mom, who stood by the passenger side, pulled Lukas in for another after he loaded up his last bags. She held him tightly. “I just can’t get over the fact that you’re really not my little boy anymore.” She said, pulled back to look at him. “Okay, I’ll stop sulking now, since I still have Marcus,” She said, beckoning him over for a hug. They hugged, and then everyone loaded into the car.

He Marcus sat in the back, and once they buckled up, Lukas immediately reached over the middle seat, and grabbed Marcus’ hand in his own, intertwining their fingers.

[little-martin-blog]

You’re so old, I love you.

[lukashills]

You have to push me around in a wheelchair now.

I love you, too, by the way.

[lukashills]

Can’t believe I’m 19 today.

[lukashills]

text: lukas

marcus: oh babe. im gonna have to visit and we can have some fun in the sun

marcus: and yeah :/ i mean you'll make some new friends

marcus: all of us will still be here too. we're just a text away

Lukas: That would be amazing

Lukas: I'm excited to make new friends but they won't be like you guys

Lukas: I know you'll still be in Toronto but you want be in Santa Barbara with me :(

[lukashills]

text: lukas

marcus: good. i'll need that

marcus: same :/ what are you thinking about

marcus: whats on your miind?

Lukas: The beach

Lukas: What California's gonna be like

Lukas: How I'm gonna deal with being so far from home and you and all my friends :(

[lukashills]

text: lukas

marcus: face time. we need to face time. a lot.

marcus: hmm whatcha doing right now?

marcus: i love you so much

Lukas: Of course! I'll Facetime you everyday

Lukas: I'm laying down, trying to get sleepy :/

Lukas: I love you too baby boy

[lukashills]

text: lukas

marcus: i'm gonna miss you so much tho

marcus: i love you

Lukas: I'm gonna miss you too. I don't even want to think about it

Lukas: I love you more

[lukashills]

text: lukas

marcus: i can't sleep

marcus: i keep thinking about tomorrow :(

Lukas: Oh baby :(

Lukas: I know I'm leaving but it's also my birthday! So that's kinda good I guess?

[lukashills]

Text @Leaf

Autumn: nerd

Autumn: but now its gonna be a priority cause youre gonna be far away now

Autumn: maybe ill make a shrine of your screenshots i have and hang it on my wall

Lukas: Do it! Maybe if you pray to it enough, I'll appear to you like Jesus

[lukashills]

Text @Leaf

Autumn: that my friend was the most cliche thing youve ever said chill

Autumn: presents exist for a reason

Autumn: hell yeah! im gonna be screenshotting you alllll the time

Lukas: It might be cliche but it's true!

Lukas: Like you don't do it already, if I had a dollar for every time you screenshotted my snapchats lol

[lukashills]

Text @Leaf

Autumn: that's a crappy birthday present :/ i wish i wouldve gotten you something before i left

Autumn: oh just wondering, you'll have to facetime me and show me your dorm sometime!!

Lukas: It is. :/ Don't worry about a gift! You don't need to get me anything! Your friendship is enough of a gift lol

Lukas: Of course! There's gonna be a lot of Facetime happening!

[lukashills]

@luckyluka: #TossbackTuesday Found my old phone from junior year while cleaning out my room, and found this gem on there. How emo can we get? I’m gonna miss you Leaf! @littletorres #SophomoreYearAutumn #JuniorYearLukas #Smoll

[lukashills]

Text @Leaf

Autumn: ill probably spray him with the hose when we get to my aunts

Autumn: aw boo :(

Autumn: dont worry im sure youll make cool friends and stuff

Autumn: when are you getting there? do youu know what your dorm number is?

Lukas: Good idea!

Lukas: I sure hope I do.

Lukas: I'm actually leaving on my birthday. :/ A huge bummer. My dorm number is 373, why?

[lukashills]

Text @Leaf

Autumn: oh nooo :((

Autumn: i shouldve strapped you to the top of alecs truck so you couldnt leave

Autumn: were barely hanging on!! alec smells and sings bad

Autumn: how are you feeling?

Lukas: Aw! You should've! Haha

Lukas: Well at least you're still alive. Not sure what you can do about the stench, but sing with him!

Lukas: Nervous. Very nervous. I don't wanna leave Toronto, or Marcus, or you. :(