Origami Around
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@luminarywhispers
Well here we are closing to the end of the month.
With no more drawings in October I'm hoping to see November 1 as the last time I play the lottery.
I know I need this money and I want this money but it's not doing anyone justice by spending money I don't have in pursuit of it. I'm only hurting them.
From here till the end my choices will be mine and mine alone
Oh this songs gonna hurt
If enough people observe something as fact then it can become reality and that's the scary thing about the universe
I couldn't fathom the language you speak to me and I wish you had better ways of translating it to me
Its debilitating
There's nothing admirable about this loneliness when its forgetting spring and accepting winter and every moment that flower drops a petal I'm reminded how weathering December will be as familiar as every day since
Its silly
To have no words and be frozen around you
I just never can find them
And small talk seems like a train wreck
I wish I had them
I wish they weren't so far away
It was weird to find myself crying at work the other day.
My body has found itself into some kind of decay that I'm turning down food for no good reason.
I'm gotten back into this cycle of a pack a day.
It's always funny when I'm eating the most there's something up with my features. Always a cycle of eating less and less. Idk why I'm unable to see it.
I feel blind to a lot of goals and it doesn't seem to be something that's clearing up soon. It's a dense fog rolling in and stuck perpetually as you knife your way through it and some barriers are just harder to get through then others.
July changed a lot. I starting working less and less. I started working out less and less. I started eating less and less. I was on a downward spiral again and for what.
Insecurity. Depression. I don't know honestly.
Losing Fidel's wasn't anything to care about but the reason behind it was such bullshit and still is. I'm so lousy for letting my ego get in the way and I'm so lousy to have experienced such a beautiful trip and everytime after has been nothing but nothing. Which honestly is a blessing and lesson learned.
Our power bills were insane and I couldn't afford my insurance. I'm since downgraded but at least I save 250 a month.
If I could just be more proactive I'd be able to get shit done.
2000 in debt to centerpoint. Fuck this place.
It's been a nail slowly hammered into my fucking head so headsplittingly disgusting I want to paint blue walls with tan and red and highlights of brown.
Fuck me
It can be no coincidence she wanted to kill herself and I've found myself the same. Wanting the same and feeling the same.
I should pay closer attention to what I'm feeling. I don't think these feelings are my own.
Everytime I see that woman I fall in love. God damn she's so FUCKING HOT FUUUUUCK
This feels like a reason to kill myself.
I've never been drowning like this.
Never saw no way out
This is a first
Son of a fucking BITCH THIS IS NOT THE WAY ITS SUPPOSED TO BE IM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE STRUGGLING IM NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL SO FUCKING ALONE ON THIS IM NOT ffffuuUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus fucking Christ why why do I have to be stomped on like this why the fuck does it have to be like this why the fuck bdhsushanaksosugsvsvsvsgsvsbs
What're we going to do Joy
We're failing and it doesn't make sense why
I wish it made sense why
Neeltje de Vries
Obsession
Whether it was you or moving onto someone new I was thinking about you
Even now I'm understanding more and more that because I'm ready to be in love I'm forgetting how platonic that can be and I'm going overboard.
I can't set expectations no one had any intention of meeting. It's not really fair.
I can tell some parts of me crave intimacy so much.
So I break away from that and realize there is something I haven't been addressing with myself.
I'm putting too much of myself into people I barely know and it's like I'm love bombing away hoping something is there in the aftermath and this fear of losing someone I don't know just sits there.
I don't know why it's been such a cycle to me.
And I can't explain why I've been so detached from others I've had sex with these past three years.
I've thought it superficial and all the mean body shamy aspects of it.
I can't be dismissive that there are some women I've ghosted because of those reasons. My communication was piss poor and rather than having the conversation of "hey sorry you're not for me" I'd just make stupid promises that I can never keep and never made an effort to keep.
And there have been others where I could see myself being with them but I just could never find myself on the same page as them. I was so ridiculous in how I was exploring dating and romantic feelings and figuring it out. But even with her it's only her ring I wear now. There was never a want to make you only mine. It never felt like there was any reason to be self conscious around her. She was love and a reason I wanted to get it right the next time it came around. I was too sex obsessed with her. But I promise I craved more than that. I just wasn't there yet and it's a regret of mine I didn't correct it sooner. It still stands I never lost my mind over you. Though you cross it from time to time.
So march comes around you were ignition. There's something about you I wish I could be a part of. I didn't know how to act around you and I'm sorry I hadn't been that social in a while. I still feel like an old man compared to you. It's so stupid of me. It makes me laugh. I'm so sorry for getting weird on you. It started as this great wave of emotions that actually did a lot of things for me. It sucked but not because of you. It was this onset of emotions that were triggered by past insecurities. And they were only projecting themselves there because of my expectations. I was being so ridiculous and while you're grieving and dealing with so much loss in your life. Seriously you should've slapped me. I would've accepted it wholeheartedly.
I feel like I'm just rambling
I'm putting too much stock into a week long interaction
I need to admit that investing into someone takes time and I was in the first stages of live bombing.
I realize an aspect of the way I felt was completely because of my expectations and the way I felt things were going.
Stupid love goggles, stupid brain, I've gotta stop.
Even now I'm over here having one great ass night with this chick and I've got a piece of her underwear in my wallet. Like I need to chill the fuck out but also I'm not putting myself in the expectation of this person wants to date me or has interest in dating me.
I know it for what it is.
The way I've always felt these things to be
Enjoying our time together when we can.
I don't do much. I don't get out much.
Maybe that's the problem
Now I have to fight myself and ask myself are the feelings I have towards you only resurfacing because I feel lonely. What would it feel like to hold you again. Would by heart dance the same way it did when it first met yours.
Oh it sure did when I saw her again for the first time in months
Im glad I found you again bud. I missed you
I drank a little too much at work
Please don't mind the rant.
I'm just being a silly little boi
There is a part of me that loses his mind
Like seriously can we calm our anxieties and calm our insecurities and just be calm walking into the unknown
I find it so difficult since I've lived with this for so long.
For so long and when one person was there to take that away I took it for granted.
That's been three years
I want to feel what it's like to feel love
To feel it holding me at night
To feel it warming the coldest winter
A fire I could set a flame to and keep lit like a phoenix and when it burns to ashes our hands hold each other in the dirt as we pull each other up
Love, Id like to be held and told I'm enough, love, through miles of fog, love, me, love, through it all
I fucked it up once- and maybe there are many more times ahead of me.
Twice to three times to a future I can see and maybe it's because I'm ready for it
So fucking ready for it
