I love my mom but I have been thinking a lot about how much she's hurt me, and doesn't even realize it. So I made a list of the things she's done that have hurt me:
(tw for sexual grooming, abuse, etc.)
buys things for me and then later holds them over my head (if she’s in a bad mood or if we’re arguing)
invalidates my feelings and dismisses them
calls me too sensitive (as a negative thing but then uses it as a positive when she’s trying to compliment me)
comments on my body (weight, breast size, body hair, acne, etc.) — says they come from a place of ‘love’ or ‘observation’ — then in the same breath calls me beautiful like what am I supposed to believe???
constant need for explanation for everything i do (even doing laundry, cooking, or GOING TO THE BATHROOM)
overshares personal information with me about her personal life and relationships
overshares personal information ABOUT me with others w/o my consent (told Cassidy I was on my period, outed me to my grandparents at dinner like it was a funny anecdote)
Talked me out of a relationship with a girl I met online who I really liked
Told me to “move on and get over” my FOUR YEARS of emotional abuse and sexual grooming by a man who was 12 YEARS MY SENIOR (later had the audacity to ask if I was talking to him again when I started playing WoW again)
has never respected my saying “no”, never leaves it there, always has to try to “convince” me otherwise
called me a self centred narcissist for not wanting to see my dying grandmother in the hospital when I was having a BAD depressive episode
told me i was selfish when I admitted I was having suicidal ideations
never listens to me in regards to the cat’s health and continues to overfeed her, saying “she’s going to die anyway”
not to mention stole $1000 (that was given to me by my grandparents for COLLEGE) from my savings account (to “pay bills”) once without saying anything until later and then took almost a year to pay me back — I also caught her taking my debit card once when I was napping without asking me first
has never fully supported me in my career choices (not when i wanted to be an artist, not now when I want to be a teacher, wants me to work in the government like grandma wanted HER to do)
complains to me about my father and her marriage
tells me extremely personal information about my brother and his girlfriend and her and my dad
never understands when I don’t wanna talk
if im upset i have to be “on my period”
says i have nothing to be depressed about
said I was using my anxiety “as an excuse” when we were in Spain and I was sitting THROUGH A PANIC ATTACK AT A RESTAURANT AND DIDN’T LEAVE
and then she wonders why I don't wanna talk to her anymore
Having such a garbage day today and i go on pinterest to look at pictures of my husbans (comfort characters i self ship with) and i just get an onslaught of posts like
"Tomura would decay you"
"Dabi would set you on fire"
"Erwin would sacrifice you for the basement"
"Satoru would fuck around on you and bully you"
I get its a joke but like...damn dude why do people have to be such buzzkills sometimes...
Im sorry for disappearing ive just been going through a pretty shitty time lately
Idk how else to describe it except that I'm just so exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I'm just tired. I'm struggling to find something within myself that's worth loving. I like to be alone but this loneliness is just crushing me.
