N's.

[lupriz]

Japan, June 2024

Who knew we’d be together in this country?

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Still getting kilig with this guy ❤️

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My love is so gwapo 🥰

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It’s been six days since I last talked to N. I think we’ve reached a point where we’ve become too tired to argue with each other and the only think we can do for the mean time is not talk. It’s been almost 5 months where every other week we fight, or I pick an argument and fight, and expecting him to fight back. And then I would get angrier because he just kept silent and would not argue. I think I already reached the point where every move is an argument, every negative thought is a reason to fight, and he already reached the point where instead of defending himself or letting me know what’s in his head, he chose to take a step further back from me. His silence is his white flag of not arguing with me. After 13 years and just a span of 5 months or arguing, we’re getting really tired. But unlike the past weeks of silent treatment, I don’t do self-pity this time. I don’t dread, or rather, I don’t think about the idea of being alone scary. It never crossed my mind this time. There’s still a bit of anxiety, but it’s like a coffee bean right now compare to the last anxiety attacks. I didn’t even shed a tear this time.

I might be slowly losing n but I’m slowly winning myself back after those dreadful weeks of not knowing what to do with the thought that I’ll probably be losing the greatest love I have. I think I might be okay now, with the thought of losing him. Hopefully I won’t, but who knows. I’m already at the stage of acceptance, anyway.

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Kumakapit pa rin.

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My love, I love you, always.

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Kauban sa pilsen 🤍

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“Ayaw mo kasi mag explore ng ibang kape gusto mo yung andyan nalang, yung timplahan ka nalang talaga. Kaya dapat andito lang ako, dapat di ako aalis.” -N

[lupriz]

I couldn’t imagine N writing me a poem of how he felt whenever we fight, at kapag binoblock ko siya sa galit. But he did, and he let me read it TWO YEARS after he’d written it. Can you imagine? Who would have thought.

We were talking about us earlier kasi nagalit na naman ako sa kanya at two days ng hindi ko siya masyadong kinakausap. Nagkita kami kanina at pinag-usapan yung tungkol sa amin and such. Tapos napunta sa pagbablock ko sa kanya, na akala ko lang talaga hindi siya naaapektuhan kapag ginagawa ko yun pero yung totoo daw, napapraning na siya. Dun na niya pinakita sa akin yung sinulat niya dalawang taon na ang nakalipas kung ano ang nararamdaman niya kapag ginagawa ko yun. I never really imagined N to be that kind of guy, sweet lang kasi talaga siya through his actions but he’s not over the top with his words. Hindi ko alam bakit nagdecide siya kanina na ipabasa sa akin yun dahil matagal niya rin yung tinago, at napapangiti nalang ako kanina kasi alam kong nahihiya siyang ipabasa yun. After all this time, nasusurpresa pa rin ako sa kanya.

Hi, hello. Updating my tumblr because N reminded me to write again. Here’s something short to remember this day, 7/15/22, when he wrote me something. ☺️

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Belated happy birthday to me, made even more beautiful with this guy right here.

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"Yung binlock mko araw araw nag aabang ako kung kelan mko kausapin kasi namimiss ko na kasabay ka magkape tapos parang di na tlga masarap at masaya magkape kasi may kulang, di mo kasi alam yun na ganun nararamdam ko sa kape plng yang sinasabi ko." - N

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Ako: Mas sweet si Alex(my niece) kaysa sa yo.

N: Ayy bakit?

Ako: Kinatok niya ako sa cr ano daw ginagawa ko kasi mag hug daw siya sa akin. Hehe

N: Paano nman sya naging mas sweet sya skin bago ka mag cr kini kiss at hug na kita.

[lupriz]

More than a decade together, N and I rarely fight anymore. Hindi ko alam if it comes with age, but we, or should I say I, became more honest about my feelings towards him than I ever thought I would be. Hindi problema kay N na magsabi ng nararamdaman niya ever since, especially if nag-aaway kami, to the point na hindi niya iniisip kung nakakasakit siya ng damdamin basta masabi niya kung ano ang nasa isip niya. Which made me hesitant to express my feelings kasi sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na ayoko maging katulad niya na hindi nakikiramdam ng damdamin ng iba. And so I tend to keep everything I felt negatively about him to myself, until such time na lalong lalaki ang away dahil sumasabog na galit ko.

But while we are the kind of people the way we were before, N was nothing short of the understanding person he is. Siya ang mabunganga sa amin pero siya din ang laging umiintindi. Magagalit siya sa akin, pero siya ang mauunang magsabi na yakapin ko lang siya, ok na siya. Siya ang magsasabi na halikan ko nalang siya para mawala na galit niya. Siya ang magsasabi na ok na kami, kahit kasalanan ko pa. Ganun siya simula't sa umpisa.

I don't know kung kelan nag umpisa na naging open na ako sa mga nararamdaman ko sa kanya, but it surprised me a little na nagagawa ko na pala. I can be mad at him over petty things(i think) and I can honestly tell him that and he would just send kiss and hug emojis to make me feel better. What's good, is that he doesn't nag me anymore.

Last week nag-away kami, siguro first o second major fight namin ngayong taon, hindi ko rin maalala. Pero pangalawang beses na last week na binlock ko siya ng isang linggo(the first was May 2019) para di kami mag-usap. Dati takot pa ako sa mga block block na yan kasi naalala ko na isang araw lang yun, galit na galit na siya. Ok lang daw na mag-away kami at paisa-isa lang ang reply habang nag-aaway, importante nag-uusap. Tapos mag-uumpisa na yan siya dati magsalita na baka may ginagawa akong kalokohan kaya binlock ko siya. But now, ang layo na ng narating namin sa ganung ugali.

This is us, now. So far from the past immature years of our relationship. N and I did not hit it off right from the start, we were very toxic back then. It wasn't sunshine and rainbows, it was mostly raining from our first few years of being together.

Ngayon, ako na nagmamakaawa na mag-away naman kami kunwari para lang may bago. Haha.

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Fave photo of us.

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Hanggang ngayon kinikilig pa rin talaga ako sa lalaking toh, kahit titigan lang litrato namin napapangiti na ako.

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I've been meaning to write for quite some time but whenever I'm about to do so, I feel the words slipping away from my mind. I want to put in writing how much I adore you, and I want to look back on each simple ways where I can just sigh as I imagine you.

I like how everytime I stroke your hair, you'd make a playful complain on how I'm making you fall asleep.

I like how we wrap ourselves in each other's arms and you'd say how my hugs are relaxing you.

I like how it's so obvious that you missed me after not seeing each other for weeks.

I like how content your face is with me, as I am with you.

I like how you made me feel that I would not want any other beside you.

I like how you'd argue that you love me more than I love you, every time.

I like how after all these years,

I love you,

I adore you,

I can't get enough of you.

[letters-to-the-sea]

“Imagine you and me; it is 5 in the afternoon you are sipping coffee while I curl my hand through your hair, and I am watching you, I know you feel it because there is the barest hint of a smile on your lips and darling, this is how I will love you, and as I lower my fingers to graze your cheek we will be the picture of tenderness. Imagine. You and me and moments like this.”

— I haven’t met you yet but this is how I will love you // Genefe Navilon (via procastiwriters)