I'm an artist, gamer, owner of a cat, and currently, someone who's trying to survive.
I know it's a cliche to use blogs as a place to angst and vent about life, but this has been the first time in years where I've found it crucial to my recovery.
I've decided to make this blog a MDNI space and expect that to be respected. I'm still learning how to set this up for that .
Art has been my cathartic lifeline to feeling like I 'belong' or 'fit in'. I've had the identity of an artist since childhood. As I entered adulthood and higher education, my self worth and aptitude has been measured by the work I've been able to produce, and when my health has ripped me to shreds, and I can't produce the work expected of me, it's made me feel like a complete failure. I've never been good at a whole lot, especially skills that are employable.
My last 12 months+ have been some of the most traumatic, horrific times I've had with my health; physically and mentally, and even my living situations. I haven't been able to work or return to study. Finding out that my high school is having a reunion this year has also reinforced what the past decade has delivered.
And this doesn't necessarily mean that my entire life has been a total flop. I've travelled, seen the stars in a town without light pollution, fallen in and out of love. Been mentored and inspired by people without their knowledge. I have stories that have people sitting on the edge of their chair.
I'm insanely grateful to the people and services I do have in my life. My psychologist is subsidised by the government due to my ex partners career in the defence force, I have access to a great doctor, an OT and community services. My friends may be scattered across the state but I know deep down they're there for me in their capacity.
In the words of Hank Hill, "I'm complicated". I'm a 20 something year old unemployed gap year taking uni student with enough medications to start a pharmacy. I'm fighting to not slip back into habits that embarrass me, like spending a week in bed or using chopping boards in lieu of clean dishes.
Art is my therapy. Red dead redemption 2 has been a massive part of emotional regulation and coping when things are dark. Humour is a huge component of that too and even creating funny posts is cathartic. Learning that I'm more than my trauma.
When I was 21, I was high for probably 75 percent of 2018 to cope with a friend's passing. And one day, I smoked with a friend in her bedroom. I become nearly mute when I get high, so we're sitting on her bed against the wall in silence, and out of the blue I look into the distance and ask
"If a kid at Disneyland goes up to a Princess and asks if they know Princess Fiona from Shrek™, do they say that they're friends with her or pretend she doesn't exist?"
And when my friend asked me to clarify, I couldn't get any more words out and got really anxious and paranoid that I wasn't making sense. Then we ate charcoal chicken and chips as we did after smoking up like the good Aussie stoners we were.
And that's the most profound thought I've had while blazing it.
I actually emailed/contacted Rockstar about the lack of a UI scaling option in GTA5 for PS4 because bloody hell I can't read 98 percent of the text while playing that game, and surely an accessibility patch is not a tall order.
If I ever have the chance to make a video game, I will be determined to make the game as accessible as possible, there's been so many games I have to stop playing because of minor things that made it inaccessible.
Ok so I haven't made any good art so far this year but I attempted to put a shelf on my wall and now there's three holes because the anchors were too long does that count as art 😔
Ok so I haven't made any good art so far this year but I attempted to put a shelf on my wall and now there's three holes because the anchors were too long does that count as art 😔