I fucking hate you, still, for what you put me through. I don’t just hate you for being so fucking pathetic that you had to prey on your little sister, to fulfill your sick fantasies… I honestly think I hate you even more for all the shit I went through when I was to young to understand why you were being removed from our house, and I hate you for lying to me when I finally got to talk to you, using lies to turn me against my sister who tried her hardest to keep me out of it so I wouldn’t get hurt. I remember, being an innocent little 9 year old girl, who just wanted her big brother back… Who didn’t understand why her mommy took her and her sister to her grandpa’s house one night, and when they came home her brother was gone for good. I remember, crying and being emotionally distraught over you not being around and having no idea where you were or why you were gone. I remember, the day the kid from your class, announced to me, in front of everyone, why you no longer lived with us…and I even remember telling you about it when you called from whichever group home you were in then, and you telling me they were all full of shit, that you wouldn’t do that.
& then I remember, you just vanishing… Into thin air. Days, months, weeks, years went by.. and like a lost child would, I searched for you. What a fucking idiot that makes me feel like now.
I hated myself, for looking for you. I hated myself, for finding you, and for continuing to carry on yahoo messenger conversations with you after I KNEW the shit you were saying to me was COMPLETELY out of line. But god damn it, James. I was a 14 year old girl who hadn’t seen or heard from her BIG BROTHER in at least 5 years, and I just wanted you to stick around! I didn’t show mom or dad the outrageous things you asked me, multiple times, because I didn’t want them to make you go away again! I will never forget being so insanely excited the day mom came to get me from the park, April 26th 2005.. because you were at the house. I had no idea what kind of monster I had gone searching for, when I went searching for you.
I wish now, that I would have just listened to ‘Marie’ when she told me to stay away from you, instead of believing you and pushing away from her. I needed my sister, growing up…. And I never had her. I blame you for that.
I needed strength to work towards good grades and staying away from peer pressure and drugs, I blame you for the strength I didn’t have.
I remember when you tried to blame the fact that your biological mother sexually assaulted you, on why you did it to me and my sister… Mother fucker, that is NO excuse.
Let me tell you why I know this now.
I am now the mother of a BEAUTIFUL two and a half year old girl, and if there is one thing I never in her lifetime let happen, it will be to NEVER have someone hurt, use, betray, and degrade her the way you did me. I will never let someone get in her mind and take control of her life the way you and your sick fantasies did me…
& with all that being said, thanks. Thanks, for being a sick fuck and showing me that being “family” don’t mean shit, for showing me that the people you want to trust the most you can’t, thanks for breaking me down, because of it, I’m a much healthier, stronger, wiser, happier person today.
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