went to the club. flirted just to say no. missed heeseung. these are my 20s
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her

Kiana Khansmith

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styofa doing anything

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@luvpocket
went to the club. flirted just to say no. missed heeseung. these are my 20s
my friend trying to get me into enhypen since their debut and i couldn’t give two fucks about them. saw them live and it was amazing but i didn’t lose my mind as much as i would do now (i regret it every day) because i basically only went to see aespa.
two weeks before heeseung leaves i get into their music. i need an explanation, universe 😭
anyway i want to actually finish a fic. and i’m writing for jake </3
*looking at myself in the mirror*
Fanfiction is supposed to be cringy. You're allowed to write bad. You're allowed to be cringe. Fanfiction is supposed to be self indulgent. You're allowed to be cringe. Let yourself be cringe. Fanfiction is supposed to be fun. Stop putting arbitrary rules on yourself and be free.
i’m turning 20 in a day
i genuinely want to die being 19 😀
i’m writing a seongje zombie au btw because why not
i’ve started uni, i need to write again
so drunk i wish i had a situationship to text
maybe keeping my piece intact is overrated
does anyone else feel like they have a parasocial relationship with their favorite writers on ao3 and tumblr?
like i have no idea who you are but the way you write and who you write about makes me think we would be good friends. not in like a creepy way, in like i’m also just a girl that enjoys fantasizing about the same characters you write about way
i just get too emotional when i read fics i guess
playtime - han su-gang
pairings: han su-gang x female reader
genre: smut, aged up characters. i guess college au
warnings: mdni, nsfw, sexual content, bullying, dubious consent, cursing, rough sex, violence, name calling (bitch, slut, whore), no protection, threatening (i feel like su-gang is a warning himself).
author’s note: i watched brave citizen the other day just to find out she is the real baddie of the movie and he is a sore loser. still i wanted to write a han su-gang smut because i love villains 😝
word count: 2893
you genuinely felt like a playtime toy. they would bring you around in every hangout they had, almost as if you were part of the friend group. you would sometimes daydream about being friends with the girls there, participating in their conversations about the cute boys they met or the pretty clothes they just bought. your desire to feel like a normal girl grew bigger every day, wishing to only have a casual life, unnoticed and unknown to everyone. but they would never allow you to.
han su-gang would never allow you to.
you had always heard that bullying ended in college. after years of suffering in high school, you could finally have some peace to yourself. you imagined you could make a friend, maybe even a few. hang out with them on the weekends like every person your age did. oh how sweet it all sounded.
but you couldn’t be further from the eventual truth.
at least jin-hyung understood what you were going through. he was the only person who could comprehend the hell they put you through every single day. you two weren’t friends, and you only talked when necessary. but you silently were there for each other, just in case anything went too far.
su-gang didn’t treat the two of you equally, though. yes, he did bully the both of you as if his life depended on it, but your relationship with him sometimes felt more like ownership. he would let the others do whatever they wanted to jin-hyung, hitting and mocking him in every way their twisted brains could imagine. but su-gang was the only one that could order you around. the only one that could touch you, call you names, pull your hair or tell the others what to do with you. whenever one of them had tried to taunt you with none of his previous orders to do so, there had been consequences. you were like his own neglected puppy, always on his leash and only taking what he gave you.
you'd rather not have that attention, though. every word and action of his portrayed how little he thought of you, how superior he felt and how he genuinely believed it gave him the power to treat you as a possession. your whole life revolved around being his pet at that point, and you couldn't speak up.
you finished all your classes and rushed to the restroom, trying to gain a little bit of alone time before they guessed your location or sent you a text, basically forcing you to meet up. after just taking a few steps, you were able to see the familiar silhouette of a boy, limping while walking on the same direction as you.
"jin-hyung!" you shouted his name while running towards him. once you were up close, you stayed silent, analyzing his state in pure shock. it wasn't rare to see jin-hyung with bruises on his face or extremities, but it was way more brutal this time. he had cuts all over what you could see of his arms, a bruise on each of his eyes and another one on both sides of his jaw — too symmetrical, almost as if it had been intentional. “w-what…?”
“they had a lot of fun today.” he simply said while smiling sarcastically. you could sense the defeat in his eyes and his voice, which made your stomach turn. neither of you deserved that treatment, and it broke your heart seeing such an innocent soul be wrecked like that. you knew the reason why he endured all of that abuse, which brought tears into your eyes just by thinking about it. “i don’t know what’s up with them… i swear they are too bored, they are more evil than ever… you have to be careful.”
you just trembled in fear when you heard jin-hyung’s warning. how could their behavior get any more violent?
“you might need a little help patching those up. i got some bandaids on my backpack, come on.” you tried to change the subject, knowing that if you kept wondering about what they were going to do with you after, you would have a panic attack right then and there. jin-hyung just nodded, clearly feeling helpless at that point, accepting any kind of aid someone could offer.
you entered a random empty classroom, already rushing in fear of su-gang finding you. you knew it was risky — classes had already finished and he would not relish seeing you helping his other martyr at all. but you couldn’t go and leave jin-hyung all alone after what he just had to go through. you two were fighting that battle on your own, but you would always stick together in hard times like those.
he sat down on a nearby chair while you searched for the bandaids in the smaller pouch of your backpack. once you found them, you reached for his left arm and started to patch up some of his cuts, trying to be as careful as possible in order not to hurt him.
“i’m sorry, jin-hyung. i know we both aren’t at fault, but maybe i could have distracted them a little today and…”
“and they would have split the punches half and half? nah, i don’t think so. they’ve got enough for the two of us.” he finished your sentence, getting a small laugh out of you. you liked how you both joked about it, making the situation feel a little lighter at times.
after a few seconds of you laughing, you saw jin-hyung’s expression change abruptly, his smile dropping in an instant. you followed the direction of his eyes, only getting a few words out before you fully turned around. “what is it-?”
you opened your eyes in shock, tears instantly threatening to get out of your eyes. a wicked smile and evil eyes looked straight at you through the small glass, sending shivers down your spine. his smirk seemed predatory, almost as if he had caught his perfect pray, looking proud and excited to haunt you down.
the door slid open with a loud thud, not even trying to hide his rage towards the scene. “seems like you both have forgotten your place.” han su-gang simply said in the most bone-chilling calmed tone you had ever heard come out of his mouth. he just turned around and started to walk without looking back, clearly expecting you to follow him without questioning.
and you knew what you had to do if you didn’t want to end up dead that same day, although you considered that might have not been such a bad option after all.
han su-gang’s daily self was unhinged. but han su-gang’s enraged, furious self? words could not describe the evil that flowed through his veins. no guilt, no remorse. just pure cold-blooded, sadistic, psychopathic behavior. you were sure there had to be some sort of diagnosis for him — something that could explain the abundance of malicious thoughts and the drive to act on them he had.
you quickly got up from the chair you were sitting on, not looking back either. you weren’t even able to hear jin-hyung’s breath anymore. you hoped he would look for you later, at least to check if you were still alive and report it to someone if you hadn’t survived.
you followed su-gang’s tall silhouette into another random room on the second floor. it was filled with dusty books and old papers. sunlight peeked lightly from the window, making the place a little warm. it all felt too overwhelming, almost suffocating. you were just waiting for the worse: waiting for his words, his punches and his group.
but they never came.
the two of you were alone upon entering, which wasn’t like the usual. he didn’t speak for a few minutes, creating a tense atmosphere that you could almost physically sense. he kept running his hands through his hair and you could almost smell the rage in each one of his movements.
after what felt like a million minutes, he finally stared straight at you, leaving your body paralyzed.
“s-su-gang, i-i can ex-“
and just like that, you were pressed up against the opposite wall, his tight hold around your whole throat, making you gasp for air. his movements were too fast and unexpected, not allowing you to even try and unsuccessfully protect yourself.
“you fucker… you know what this fucking does to me, huh? you do this on purpose so i get more mad? you like to see me fucking lose my mind, i fucking knew it.”
you couldn’t hide your confused expression while still literally fighting for your life. you didn’t exactly know what he was referring to and you also couldn’t believe he truly thought you enjoyed making him mad. you were sure at that exact moment that he was the least self-aware person you had ever known.
“s-su-gang… i-i can’t-“ you tried to tell him you were on the verge of passing out, but he suddenly spun you around, pressing your cheek roughly against the wall.
his whole body hovering over yours.
a hardening member pressed against your upper thigh.
were you understanding him right?
“you fucking tease. trying to get me jealous. trying to get me mad so i finally lose control and fuck you, huh?”
“s-su-gang, i swear i wasn’t-“
“you are going to get what you want, fucking loser. i’m going to fuck you like the fucking slut you actually are, mmh?” his right hand kept pressing your head against the wall with all his force, making you hiss in pain. you could now feel his left hand ruffling your skirt up in rushed and clumsy movements. you weren’t fully conscious of what was happening. but you could feel his pure desperation, almost as if he had been plotting on doing that for quite some time.
“you are always acting like you are so fucking innocent. poor girl doesn’t deserve all that bullying, huh?” he dragged your panties down, quickly pressing his whole palm against your center. you tried to hold your sounds in, but a small whimper came out after you felt his thick digits against your core. “poor girl only deserves to be fucked like the whore she is.” he bit you ear roughly, making you moan more loudly than expected. “don’t act like you don’t fucking love this, fucking bitch.” he started to finger you in a rushed way, not letting your body adapt to the sudden intrusion.
“s-su-gang- wait-“
“that’s it. say my fucking name. know who you fucking belong to.”
you felt your walls clench, sucking his fingers in while not being able to control your sounds anymore. you could feel yourself getting closer to your climax, starting to grind on his fingers yourself to try and find the right friction.
“please-“
“desperate slut.” he suddenly pulled his fingers out of you, dragging your body uncaringly and slamming it onto the table that stood on one side of the room.
“fuck!” you exclaimed in pain, feeling him behind you while pressing his hand on your lower back, keeping you in a bent over position. your ass was fully exposed in that angle, making you tremble in embarrassment. you were not able to see him, just trusting your ears to guess what his next movement was. you could hear his belt unbuckling and his pants slide down while he groaned in need. you suddenly felt him rub his cock against you ass, making you whimper in shock.
“shit… can’t believe i didn’t do this sooner…”
he suddenly slipped it in without a warning, not letting your body adjust to his size. you screamed in pain, feeling his cock quickly stretch your walls in rushed thrusts.
“p-please slow d-down- please-“ tears started to run through your cheeks, feeling a indescribable mix of pleasure and pain.
“you wanted to- shit! you wanted to fuck that fucking loser so bad? you were fucking putting bandaids on the cuts I made? huh? who the fuck do you think you are, fucking whore?” he then sped up his thrusts even more, spit coming out of your mouth onto the table. he was fucking you senseless, wrecking your whole body in the process. “remember who you belong to, mmh?” he abruptly pulled your hair back, forcing your spine to arch and talking down your ear while keeping up with his tormenting pace. “fuck… if you breathe it’s just because i allow you to. you get it?… shit shit shit-“ he let go of your hair, slamming your body right back onto the table. he held onto your hips roughly to continue with his violent thrusting, marking your body down with purple bruises.
he suddenly slowed down all his movements, backing his body up gradually before thrusting his whole cock back in with extreme force. the unexpected thrust made your whole body crash onto the table, letting a yelp out in pain. he repeated his actions again, tears coming out of your eyes without a stop. you heard him laugh in pure joy, clearly enjoying your suffering in the most sadistic way possible.
“you always act so… shit!” another forceful thrust, another squeal coming out of your mouth. “so fucking tough. but i can fucking see the tears in the corner of your eyes every time” he sped up his pounding again, making you moan in full volume. “fuck, fuck… every time… every fucking time i have to go and fucking jerk off thinking about it… i should fucking take a picture, fuck!” you could hear him groan, breathing more heavily while his cock pulsated inside you. you knew he was close as you were feeling your climax coming in too, so you starting to tense up.
“s-su-gang, p-please, shit! please, pull out please!”
“beg all you want, fucking whore. you are walking- fuck… you are walking out of here stuffed full of my cum.”
“s-su-gang…”
“don’t act like you didn’t want this. you should have thought about it fucking earlier… before acting like a slut with that fucking bitch.”
“i-i told you i wasn’t-“
“fucking shut up and take it.”
you gave up then, your mind being too clouded with the pleasure building up in your lower stomach. you could feel your walls clenching around his member, making you cry even louder.
“you gonna come? mmh? you gonna come on your bully’s dick? such a fucking desperate whore.”
“yes yes yes, fuck! s-su-gang, i need-“
“that’s it, fucking beg for it. you come when i tell you so fucking beg.”
“please please please. please let me cum, i need it su-gang!”
“shit! i’m gonna fill you up so much…”
you were saying random words without thinking at that point. you were too fucked up to even reflect on the consequences of him fucking his cum into you, just focusing on how much you needed your release.
“come on my cock, fucking slut.” just as he said it, your body obeyed. you started to shake while whimpering, spit and tears mixing messily in your mouth. as you felt your climax ending, you heard su-gang grunt loudly, filling you up with his warm fluids. you cried out at the sensation, feeling his thick cum sticking onto your thighs.
silence came in then. you could only hear both of your pants, still recovering from the exhausting session you just had. you suddenly became too conscious of everything right then: his whole body was over yours, both of you covered in sweat, his thick cock still inside you and his cum dripping down your thighs.
he was still han su-gang.
you were still trembling in pure fear.
you suddenly felt him pull out in silence, getting a small whimper out of your mouth, feeling sore and sensitive. you didn’t know if you were allowed to move, but you still straightened your spine, pulling your body away from the table. you stayed still in that position, waiting for an order, or at least a comment that could let you guess what he wanted next.
“what are you doing? fix your clothes. you plan to get out of here looking this fucked up?” you saw him pull his pants up and buckle his belt, as well as trying to straighten his shirt with the palm of his hands. you quickly followed his orders, fixing your skirt and brushing your hair with your fingertips. as you were looking down, trying to see if your shirt was more or less presentable, you felt his grip on your jaw, forcing you to look up at him.
“listen. we don’t fucking mention this to anyone, yeah?” his eyes were as empty as always, so dark you could almost see your reflection in them. you could never get used to them, no matter how many times he made you look. “if you tell someone, i will know. and if i know, i won’t be so gentle next time.” an evil smile was planted on his face, a maniac laugh escaping his lips before roughly letting go of your face. he then turned around, getting out of the room without looking back at you once again.
you stayed still in shock while replaying his words over and over again in your head.
you prayed you hadn’t heard him right. but you sadly knew you had.
next time.
i really wanna write for simon riley, would anyone read that? (i'm going to do it anyway). rn i'm working on a han su-gang smut :)
I NEED ME A PART 3 OF "just look at me" IT'S SO FUCKINGG GOODDDD OMGGG
OMG THANK YOU IM CRYING 😭😭😭😭😭 WHAT DO I WRITE ABOUT SEND REQUESTS !!!!!
absolutely looooved the part 2, amazing job!! thank you so much ! 😊🤍🤍🤍
YOU ARE SO SWEET THANK YOUUUUUUUUU 😭😭😭😭😭
just look at me - part 2 - geum seongje
pairings: geum seongje x female reader
author's note: it was a shit fic and it still is but i was bored so i made a part 2. hope someone out there enjoys my shared delusions. reader cries too much but god forbid a girl is a sensitive gangsta 💔 also first smut ever so be kind
genre: a bit of angst (good ending), smut, fluff, aged up characters
warnings: MDNI, sexual content, cursing, violence
word count: 6240
you hadn't seen him much since that night. no shared missions, just a few glances at the bowling alley and a text reading "sorry i haven't been around much, too much shit happening right now. i'll make it up to you".
you didn't answer, though.
you didn't even really know why. it wasn't pride, it was more like realization. at least he was trying to play it nice. what a gentleman, you thought.
you were insecure, stupid and naive, but you definitely weren't someone who would run after a man. you were used to not sharing romantic feelings with anyone for your whole life, so you convinced yourself this would be just another crush that you could forget about in a few weeks.
but all your previous thoughts were confirmed in just some days: this definitely was different.
you kept thinking about seongje. about his fake words, his lips, his smirk and his scent. the way he shut you up with a kiss and the taste of alcohol and smoke it left, lingering on your tongue. you now understood all of the girls that talked about him as if he was a drug — purely addicting. and you sadly had had the chance to see it for yourself.
but you weren't about to be that crazy person that went back, asking for more from someone who clearly didn't want to give it. you started to get irritated just by thinking about how much of an ego-boosting experience that would be for him, and how many people had probably given him the opportunity to go through it over and over again. you got even more mad at yourself when you became conscious of your own rage, because feeling any kind of emotions meant it affected you. seongje affected you.
you promised yourself you were not going to fall for it ever again. no chance.
you entered the familiar building and waited at the door, where you always did. this was no unknown situation for you: one of the guys from the bowling alley would tell you the address where you had to be and steal whatever they ordered you to. sometimes you would get beaten up, some others you were able to fight them long enough to only get punched once or twice. you were already used to it and even if it wasn't the safest job, it was definitely and well-paid one.
but you began to notice there was something different this time when you saw a familiar silhouette facing you. you were only able to see his shoes walking towards you as your gaze was down, like always. but that was enough to recognize him.
"come on. i'm coming with you today." seongje said while going through the door, not stopping to listen to your answer. you followed him confused, wanting him to hear you respond.
"what? you never come for the whole thing."
"baekjin's orders. i'm guessing this isn't as easy as always." he answered while still walking, not slowing down even if you were noticeably trying to meet his sudden pace. he was already getting in your nerves, why did he seem mad? he had no right to be, but it felt like he was making an effort to turn the situation even more awkward.
"it's never easy."
"well, that's why i'm here."
"i can take it. just come later as you always — i mean, used to do." you had to admit that your remark was made on purpose. you hated the possibility of sounding triggered, but you wanted to try to sound cold too. even if your attempt to do so was already questionable.
"the last thing i want today is to have to deal with baekjin's shit. and that's exactly what i'm gonna have to do if you don't come back in one piece. we can't keep losing members at this rate, but y'all are too damn weak"
"i've learnt to fight. i've fought so many people already, i'm sure this won't be much different."
"i'm pretty sure you were the one who told me that you weren't the best fighter." you blushed at the mention of what you said that night. why did he still have that power over you? "keep arguing. since when do you not take orders from us?" that was it. your face became red in rage, but you stayed silent. he was still seongje, he still held almost as much power in the union as baekjin. but your stupid infatuation had almost made you forget that he could kick you out of there at any minute, and you couldn't afford losing the money you made from those fights.
so you just held in your tears and took some deep breaths, trying to forget he was even there. you remembered when you thought he was so different from what people had said he was. but you then realized he wasn't, he just hadn't got the fun he wanted at the time. once again, you proved yourself your delusions were in fact making decisions for you instead of your own conscious self.
you stayed quiet, lost in your own thoughts about him, when he suddenly stopped his track. you noticed after walking a few steps ahead of him. then you also stopped, waiting for him to say something.
"turn around."
"what?"
"come on. don't start this again."
you reluctantly turned around, now seeing his shoes again. you hated the fact that you still had to follow his orders because, for as long as you were in the union, he would always hold the power of being seongje.
"we'll talk about all of this later, okay?"
"there isn't much to talk about." you got a few words out while your heart was almost in your throat, beating as if you had just run a marathon.
"whatever. you are still going to have to listen to me, because i have a lot to say." you just stared down, trying to breathe normally. you had to compose yourself — not only you didn't want him to see how much you were reacting to every word of his, but you also were about to fight some seemingly very strong people. you needed to be focused on that only if you wanted to keep all your organs intact after.
seongje kept walking while speaking in a serious tone, starting to light one of his usual cigarettes. "now, listen to me. i'll fight them so don't worry about that, you just need to take the two bags of phones. you'll know which ones because i'll show you where they are, the other guys have been keeping an eye on them. they won't fucking give them back even when we asked fucking nicely, so."
"i can help you fight them. what if they are too many?"
"you just wait for me. in the street behind, you'll wait. understood?"
you didn't answer verbally, just shaking your head yes in defeat. as you got closer, you felt the usual anxiety every mission came with. you were getting more used to it, but the uncertainty of it all was still there every time.
seongje showed you from afar which bags you had to take. there were two storage rooms, one next to the other. the one with the bags was empty, but four men waited in the other one, almost as if they knew seongje was coming.
they might not have been expecting you, though.
"hey." seongje suddenly spoke with a whisper, startling you. "you always do this alone. today it's your lucky day, though. because i'm here. so enjoy it and don't look so fucking scared, mmh?"
"i-i am not scared." you lied through your teeth, which was almost obvious. your hands were shaking and you stuttered when you talked, but he let it go seemingly unnoticed.
"that's what i wanna hear. let's go."
you kept hiding, seeing him get closer to the men. he started talking but you weren't able to hear, so you just waited. the moment the fight broke out, you ran up to the storage room. there, you quickly took the two bags full of phones, while hearing loud grunts and curses from the other side of the wall.
you decided to take a peek. you needed to make sure seongje was doing fine on his own. even if he was one of the best fighters you knew, he was still outnumbered; his strength and drive to fight could only be efficient up to a certain level.
and even if you had been cursing him for weeks now, you had to admit you still cared about seongje. too much for your liking, in fact.
you slowly put your head out just enough to be able to see them, noticing that three of the men were already down on the floor. a deep purple was starting to stain seongje's skin around his left eye and right jaw, but he kept fighting the larger man. he looked the strongest there, which only seemed to make seongje smirk even more. that man scared you sometimes — was he a masochist?
seongje was suddenly down, a punch hitting his right jaw again. you couldn't help but jump out, deciding you needed to intervene the moment he touched the floor. you could distract the man, handle a few punches while seongje recovered. you prayed that he saw you as a lost young woman instead of what you actually were: a literal robber.
"you brought your girl, man? you want me to break her bones or what?"
seongje quickly looked up, opening his eyes in shock. "didn't i fucking tell you not to come here?!" he was mad. furious. but you had a greater problem coming your way in that moment.
you got closer, set on getting hit until he was able to get up. you held onto the two bags, looking up at the large man that was walking towards you.
"so she was taking the phones. great plan, man. i guess she wanted to play savior, though. she must really like you.” the man laughed while cracking his knuckles, looking like a real TV villain.
"you touch her and you are dead." seongje spoke while slowly getting up, leaving you even more breathless.
“this bitch is an asshole. does he want you dead or something? bringing you here to get fucking killed.” the man kept talking to you as you got ready to take his punch, trying not to listen to his words too much. if you didn’t pass out in pain, you would do in fear.
his fist landed on your right cheek unexpectedly. he was fast and sharp, which made you instantly understand why baekjin had told seongje to go with you.
still, you could take it. you had endured so much physical pain, you were sure you could survive at least two of those.
as you got ready to receive the next one, a sudden arm looped around the man’s throat — tight, merciless. seongje’s grip held fast as the man flailed. “didn’t i fucking say you would be dead?”
you stood there in shock while you looked at him. seongje was smirking while using all his strength on the man’s neck, looking as joyful as a kid in a playground. as the guy started to pass out, seongje dropped him to the floor. he looked up to you, your eyes meeting for the first time in weeks. you just trembled in fear.
“second time i save your ass. both times were fucking preventable.” he started walking out of the storage room, obviously mad at you.
“i saw you struggling. was i supposed to just go knowing that you might get hurt?” you kept walking behind him, trying to keep up with his pace.
“i was fucking okay! you know who i am. you fucking know i have been doing this for my entire life.”
“you were on the floor! there were four of them, seongje. four! and i also can take a few punches. i do this for a living too, you know?! you seem to keep forgetting that.”
he suddenly turned around, stopping his track, looking at you again. “look at your cheek. you think i like seeing your face like this knowing i was there? knowing i could have taken it instead?” he got closer, clenching his jaw even tighter. “you think it was easy to see your face when he spoke to you? how you trembled? huh? and listening to the things he fucking said about you? what about that?!” you just stayed silent, holding your tears in once again. you truly didn’t want him to get hurt, but he didn’t seem to care about the possibility of it happening if you hadn’t come in.
“you always think everything is so easy for me, but the one thing that actually is.” seongje said while turning around, starting to walk again.
“why are you so mad at me, seongje? shouldn’t i be the one mad at you?” you finally said, wanting your chest to feel a little less heavy. he stopped his walking again, this time not turning around, though.
“you didn’t answer. i tried to reach out and you didn’t even answer.”
“you suddenly disappeared. right after knowing all my suspicions about you, or about anyone really. and right after you… you kissed me. what a coincidence, isn’t it?”
“no matter what i say, you’ll never trust me. so why even try.”
“t-that’s not true! i’m trying!”
he finally turned around, getting his cigarette pack out of his pocket.
“that’s why, after all that has happened, you are still not looking at me unless you’re in pure shock. or unless i practically force you to. right? is that it?” he started to blow smoke, sounding more calm, but even colder. maybe you did prefer his furious screaming instead of that bone-chilling relaxed tone.
you looked up. you wanted him to talk to you, you wanted to have an alternative explanation about his sudden disappearance that didn’t consist of him just being an asshole. even if it was a lie, you wanted to hear it.
“i wanted to keep practicing eye contact but i haven’t had the chance. now, please explain yourself.”
seongje kept looking back at you with an intense gaze, almost daring. “baekjin has been going insane. you probably haven’t heard because you don’t talk to anyone there. but he’s obsessed with a guy from eunjang joining the union. and he won’t do it, so can you imagine who has to take care of it? i have been taunting him and his friends nonstop. i didn’t want you to get involved in any of this shit, you already have enough with your own.” he stopped then, taking a deep breath before he kept talking. “and i know i could have communicated better. but you know what? i have my own mental shit too. i started thinking if it was worth it. too many people hate me and i don’t want you to get hurt. and i will always protect you, always, but what if i can’t always be there? you deserve someone who is good too, but i don’t know if i can be enough. i know i'm good at fighting, at hooking up, at messing people up, but i don’t know if i will be good at… at this.” you stayed quiet, processing all of what he had said. you told yourself you wouldn’t fall for it again, but could anyone really say all those things and not mean them? his speech sounded so raw and heartfelt, spontaneous but also thoughtful. seongje smoked his cigarette one last time, discarding it on the floor before he kept talking. “but then i also kept thinking. i haven’t been able to get you out of my mind. and i also don’t fucking want to, if i'm being real i'm not even making an effort to do so. isn’t that enough to try?”
you stared at his eyes, trying to get yourself to speak too. you had to be as honest as he was being, it was the fair thing to do. “i can’t stop thinking about that night, if that makes it any better. i felt so stupid because i didn’t want to be that person who gets crazy about a… a one night stand? and i have heard the things people say about you, and the things people do to try and get you back. i didn’t want to be like that, i didn’t want that ending for us. i like you way more that i would like to admit, seongje. and i feel dumb for it.”
“ouch, you consider me a one night stand? i didn’t even touch you.” he smirked sarcastically, making you laugh while a few tears escaped your eyes. “i told you, i do everything differently with you. stop trying to relate to those people, for the love of god. i’m trying here but it won’t get through your thick skull, fuck.”
“i’m trying here too, seongje.”
“come here.” he said after a few seconds while opening his arms, walking closer to you. you hesitated for a moment, but then gave in. you really wanted to feel him close again, just like the last time. you hugged him back, feeling a thousand butterflies in your stomach. you genuinely had never experienced something like that, neither liking someone so much nor them liking you back. it was pure anxiety, but it was worth feeling it.
“would you let me clean those after we bring the phones back?” you said while pointing at his wounds, seeing them turn even more red and purple as time went by.
“they are fine.”
“please? are you going to do it if i don’t?”
“nope. i won’t.” seongje smirked while speaking in a daring tone, looking straight at you while you tried to achieve similar eye contact. he seemed like an expert in your eyes — he would have to teach you his ways, you thought.
"fine. you've already seen i'm not one to insist." you responded while pushing him back a little, starting to feel a bit too overwhelmed. you had been touch-starved for so long, you now got anxious when another human got closer than usual. anxiety levels were even greater than when someone did get close but with the intentions of punching your face. what was this man doing to you?
"if it means you are coming to my apartment to do so, clean all you want." you froze then. right, where would you do it? at that filthy bowling alley where he could probably get a rare infection? they probably wouldn't even have bandaids — it would be your lucky day if they even had running water. "what? backing up now?"
"i mean... do you even have a first-aid kit?"
"i'm sure there is at least some rubbing alcohol... and like some bandages too. let's go, i don't want you to get home too late."
"it's already too late anyway."
"it's okay then, i'll bring these back so-"
"no! i mean... those bruises are just going to get so much worse if you don't apply any ointment." you tried to play it cool, even though you had just cut him off in the most desperate tone you had ever heard come out of your mouth. damn it, you didn't even know if he had any ointment at his home. why were you so excited to spend time with him?
"fine, fine. you can come by anytime you want though. just as clarification for the future." he said while winking at you, clearly enjoying your awkwardness. he started walking in the direction of the bowling alley, where he entered baekjin's office once you got there. you were waiting outside, trying not to think too much, but you couldn't help it — your mind kept betraying you, making you question every detail. after a while, you peeked into the place, wanting to see who was around. there you saw all the usual people seongje partied with, many of which you recognized from the night you went into that club. after some time, seongje got out of baekjin's office, unaware of your hidden sight. you saw him get approached by most people there — including many girls — which made you feel something unexplainable in your stomach. you saw him dismiss everyone as much as he could, throwing a few curses here and there, making you smile unconsciously. as the scene unraveled, another unfamiliar feeling bloomed in your body, one that you could almost describe as satisfaction. once he was getting closer to the door, you stopped peeking, trying to act as if you had seen nothing.
"what are you so smiley for?" seongje said while he walked out, not waiting for your answer. it was almost as if everything he said came with the intention of shocking you.
"i'm not smiling." you said while trying to keep up with his pace once again.
"mmh. sure thing." you just blushed at his comment, making your way to his apartment. after a few blocks you were already there, not aware of its closeness to the bowling alley.
"come in." he said while opening the door for you, extending one arm out while doing so.
"what a gentleman. you do this every time?" you teased as you entered, looking around while inhaling the obvious smell of nicotine.
"we usually go to her house." he simply said. his straightforward comment made you blush, still not fully used to his bluntness. "what? i already told you that you are receiving my special treatment."
"i'm soooo flattered." you said sarcastically while looking everywhere but him, not wanting to show how flustered he was getting you.
"wait on the couch. i'll get the things so i can make one of your dreams come true and let you clean my scratches, yeah?"
"just shut up." you were sure your face looked like a whole tomato by then, but you couldn't help it. after a minute, he came back with a small pouch in his hands.
"wow. you have way much more than what i was expecting. sit here." you said while you sat on your knees onto the floor, right in front of him. your comment made him laugh lightly, making you feel his warm breath on your forehead. the proximity was making your heart race — you now were able to see him fully up close: the tiny scars on his face, the exact color of his eyes behind his frames, the dried up blood on the tip of his nose. your eyes kept looking back at his lips, still stained with a little bit of crimson, but extremely plump looking. you had never looked at someone with such desire, it almost felt predatory. why did you feel like a creep for clearly wanting someone in that way? you visibly shook your head from side to side, too lost in your own thoughts.
"hey. if you wanted to stare, you should have just asked. you didn't have to excuse yourself with the "i'm going to clean your wounds" thing."
"it wasn't an excuse! look, i'm cleaning it now." he kept smiling proudly, trying to search for your eyes at every second. you grabbed a gauze, soaking it with rubbing alcohol and pressing it against the cut on his lip. he gritted his teeth together while muttering a small "fuck", clearly not expecting the sudden burn. his curse and expression made your heart beat even faster, enjoying his reaction for some unknown reason.
"sorry. but i'm sure that THE geum seongje can take it." you laughed, trying to calm yourself down. he felt so close you could barely breathe, his gaze fixated on you in the most unsubtle way possible.
"you are shaking. are you that nervous?" he said in an almost whisper. did he have to comment on everything? and why was he speaking in such a sensual tone? you could feel your body getting warmer, reacting to every word that came out of his mouth.
"if you keep talking like that, how am i supposed to focus-" you tried to pull back in order to get yourself to shake less, but he suddenly grabbed your wrist firmly, pulling you even closer to his body.
"remember i texted i would make it up to you, mmh?" you laughed awkwardly, starting to get the hint of his words. you were so anxious that you weren't fully conscious of your reactions, but you weren't appalled at the thought of doing anything with seongje. yes, you still didn't fully trust him, because he could get what he wanted and leave now more than ever. but the pure desire you were starting to feel, one that your body had never had the pleasure to experience, was blurring all of your mind's coherent thoughts.
"remember how i also told you that you didn't get all the parts right that night?" he continued, still whispering while looking straight at your eyes.
"mmh." you just hummed while shaking your head yes, too lost in his gaze to say anything else.
"you wanna know which parts were accurate and which weren't?"
"s-sure."
"well... i can assure you that the reason why i did all that then wasn't because i had intentions with you that night..." he paused while seemingly thinking hard. "...but it definitely wasn't disrespectful for you to say that i want to fuck you. because i do."
you just stayed silent in pure shock, not expecting him to say it that way. you felt a growing warmth in your lower stomach, which was another unfamiliar but pleasuring feeling to add to the list. "what do you think about that, mmh?"
"i-i think... i think i am not horrified by the idea of it. like at all." you responded while panting, almost gasping for air already. your answer made him laugh while he pulled you up from your wrist.
"i liked you in that position but it might be too early now. sit on my lap." you immediately sat parting your legs, straddling him like you saw that girl do at the club. you knew your inexperience was a big handicap while being with someone like seongje, but you hoped that he had already caught on that small detail. you were too embarrassed to say it out loud, but you also expected it to be obvious just by your body language or even the way you kissed him last time.
"i have imagined you like this every day after that kiss. you know that never happens to me, right? do you know how desperate i felt, mmh?"
"mmh, poor seongje." you pouted sarcastically, using humor to try and calm yourself down once again.
"you really are a mean girl, huh? want me to be meaner? i feel like i'm being too nice compared to you, it's not fair."
"really? try then." you challenged him, having fun while being mischievous. he suddenly pulled you closer, slowly kissing the right side of your neck, starting to suck on every spot with such ease it made your skin crawl. you whimpered, startling your own self at your sudden sounds, not even being conscious of them until they were out.
"mmh, you like that? can you tell i like hearing you a lot?" he spoke against your neck, sending shivers down your spine. "do you feel it? under you?" he started kissing your lips before you could even respond, his tongue going deep into your mouth. the kiss started to get more desperate, almost rushed, to the point you couldn't breathe properly. you pulled back a little while you panted, resting your forehead against his.
"seongje. wait."
"sorry, love. got a little excited there." the sudden nickname made your cheeks burn even more. you were excited too, feeling a little brave even. you decided to use that to your own advantage, needing it as much as he did.
"can i undress you?" you said innocently, not knowing how to put it into words. seongje smirked then, clearly satisfied at your request.
"you wanna see me? only if you let me see you too, pretty." you quickly shook your head yes to his condition. even if the idea of someone seeing you naked felt like a nightmare, you were too into the whole thing now to say no. "take off my shirt." you didn't waste a second before following his order, suddenly feeling his hands on the hem of your shirt. "can i?"
you kept breathing rapidly, reflecting on it for a few seconds before answering. when you were about to say yes, he started talking again. "there is no rush. i already told you the last thing i want is to scare you away. i need you to need me before doing anything else."
"i need you, i really do, i mean... since i first stepped into this damn apartment i've felt like... kissing you and touching you... i'm just a little anxious but... but you already know that's just how i am."
"mmh, i know... you need me then?" he spoke in a lower tone than usual, making you feel that same warm feeling in your stomach again.
"you already know i do. now take off my shirt too."
"a bit bossy, aren't we?" seongje responded while laughing, starting to peel off your top. "fuck, you are driving me insane." he said in a groan while bucking his hips up, adjusting himself. the sudden pressure on your center made you moan lightly, which planted a smirk on seongje's face. "what is it, mmh?"
"stop with the teasing."
"tell me what you want then."
his demand made you freeze. you were NOT about to verbally express what you wanted in that moment. you preferred leaving that place untouched rather than embarrass yourself like that. or so you thought.
"w-what?"
"mmh, you heard me. you are difficult to read, so tell me exactly what you want."
"you are doing this on purpose."
"i wanna fucking hear you. i need to hear you say it." the desperation in his voice mixed with his cursing only made your body temperature grow even higher, making you feel like you almost had a fever.
"i-i want you... to touch me... and make me feel good. and i also want you to feel good too..." his words worked like a spell, since you went from denying yourself of saying anything to fully complying in the span of approximately thirty seconds.
"this already feels like heaven." he responded, right before kissing you again. you kept moving your hips back and forward unconsciously, searching for the right friction. you started going faster when you saw him lean back, rolling his eyes while putting his hands on both of his sides, letting you take control.
"seongje..."
"you want me to come in my pants? is that it, mmh?"
"fuck! i-i don't!" he suddenly stopped you, flipping your whole body onto the couch while staying on top of you. "shit!" his sudden movement startled you, making you curse while whimpers came out of your mouth. you kept feeling embarrassed at not being able to control your own sounds, which only made seongje smile wider.
"shhh. i'm making you curse so much i'm starting to feel guilty." he said in a teasing tone, clearly enjoying the way your body reacted to him.
"just do something." you were going to regret the words that were coming out of your mouth later, once you remembered how desperate you sounded for the touch of a man.
"i'm not in a rush. are you?"
"i-i don't want to get home too late."
"mmh, i'm sure you are thinking about getting home early right now." he said while starting to roam down your body, slowly peeling off your jeans. "and you really think i'm sending you back home after this?" he looked straight at your eyes again with a smirk on his lips, pulling down your underwear while doing so. "god... did i do all of this?" his right hand moved between your slick folds, while lightly pressing his thumb against your clit. the slight pressure made you squirm, which only got a laugh out of seongje's mouth. "i didn't expect this sweet, sweet girl to be this fucking needy."
"y-you are being mean."
"aw, it doesn't feel good, does it?" two of his fingers started to move inside you at a slow pace, making you moan unexpectedly. he kept rubbing your clit with his thumb, going a bit faster as time went by and your moans grew louder and more persistent. as you almost felt your climax kick in, you started to lift your spine uncontrollably, clearly getting closer. right then, seongje stopped all his movements and removed his hands from you.
"w-what are you doing?!" you questioned him, sounding more affected than how you planned to sound.
"now, tell me exactly what you want." he responded while putting his fingers up in his mouth, starting to suck on them. your heart only beat faster at his action, enjoying the sight of him licking off your juices.
"i already told you before, seongje!"
"you really think you were specific enough?"
"y-you want me to die from embarrassment?"
"last time i checked, people die from getting beaten up. not from that. so i think you will survive."
"i-i am not doing it."
"no problem." he said with a smile on his face while starting to get up from the couch. "i'll get to the bathroom and help myself-"
"wait." you cut him off once again, feeling a bit too needy just to let him go.
"mmh?" he kept looking at you with a cocky smirk, making his face look extremely punchable right at that moment.
"j-just... please..."
"aw, come on. almost there, pretty."
"f-fuck! just fuck me, okay? i want you inside. happy now?" seongje groaned right after you spoke, pushing you back against the couch again. he quickly undid his belt and freed his cock, making you choke at the sight. he looked just as needy as you, his tip red while leaking pre-cum, pumping himself up and down in desperation.
"god... let me bring a fucking condom or i'm going to lose my mind." he stood up fast, returning with a bright plastic package in his hands, which he quickly opened with his teeth before putting it on. you kept staring mesmerized at his ease, reminding you of how practiced that man actually was. you audibly gulped, scared of not being able to keep up with him. you were sure you were not about to be the best fuck of his life, but you still wanted to try and make him feel good.
"hey." he got you out of your trance while positioning himself between your legs. you liked the fact that he kept his glasses on even if they kept sliding down his nose, although you would never say it out loud. "hey." he repeated, aware of how little attention you were paying.
"mmh?"
"tell me how everything feels, okay? i want you to feel the best you've ever fucking felt. i wanna be the one who does that to you, understood?"
"understood. now quit teasing."
"fucking desperate, mmh?" he spoke in a lower tone again, entering you slowly while you both moaned in relief. "now... tell me how that feels."
"s-so good... fuck!" you whined at the feeling of fullness, making him laugh lightly. "please please please... move please, seongje."
"fucking hell. you are going to make me last seconds if you keep doing that." he started moving slowly, making your walls clench around him.
"oh my god-"
"mmh? fucking talk if you want something, love."
"f-faster. more please."
"shit shit shit." his movements became more clumsy, losing all the restraints he seemed to have put on himself. he kept making noises, almost whining while going harder, which was making you see stars. having the opportunity to see him in such a vulnerable state, so different from his usual cold facade, only turned you on even more. he suddenly reached down to your clit with his hand, pressing on it while keeping up with his thrusts.
"s-seongje, i'm not going to last-"
"me neither, fuck! you are so fucking tight." he used all his force to thrust a few final times, which made his glasses slip off down on your chest.
"seongje! a-almost-"
"cum on my cock, pretty." right after hearing him, you let yourself go. you screamed at how good it felt, his cock pulsating inside you a few times before he came too.
"shit! you fucking squeezed the shit out of me... fuck..."
after a few minutes of just hearing both of your pants, he finally pulled out, making you whine at the sudden loss of his fullness. he reached out for his glasses and put them on, just to caress your cheek and press his lips down onto yours right after.
"you did so fucking good. so fucking perfect for me..."
"you were pretty great too, i would say." you said jokingly while looking at his eyes, not feeling entirely real at that moment. he laughed while staring back, squeezing your cheeks together while pouting.
"i think you've had enough eye contact practice for today, mmh?"
"i'd say so, yeah."
"well. i'd say you are getting pretty good at it."
just look at me was amazing i really loved how you wrote seongje, i would love if u do part 2 !! 🫶
you genuinely don't understand how happy this makes me. thank you so much omg 😭😭 i'm almost done with part 2! it might have a little smut part in it,,, because this man drives me crazy :)
just look at me - geum seongje
pairings: geum seongje x female reader
author's note: caps off on purpose. i know this is a mess (mostly just dialogue) but i was feeling corny. i'll update the other story when i get my period again (i'll feel like reading and writing angst then)
genre: fluff, mild angst with good ending, reader is insecure, aged up characters
warnings?: mdni, mentions of sex, cursing
word count: 6077
the night fell and all your armors came down with it. you had learnt from a very young age that manifesting your true emotions only came with consequences. and the consequences would only be greater if these feelings were directed to an almost gang leader.
no one had ever reciprocated you. you hadn’t felt much for many neither, but you swore this time was different. it always seemed nearly impossible, but now it looked fully unattainable. yet, this was the one time you felt it different. you questioned yourself every damn night: the one time you have real, true feelings about someone, you decide that that someone has to be seongje.
seongje. the most emotionally unavailable person to ever cross your path. even more than you — and damn, that was already some big competition.
it probably felt comforting because you knew your non-reciprocated feelings were not only for you. it was not a personal thing: not about your looks, your position, your way of being. you could just blame his seeming incapacity to truly want someone that way. to not discard the girls he slept with like the cigarettes he flickered. and even if it were because of your person itself, you would never know, and that was enough.
you didn’t even understand why you were wondering so much — no one would ever know about this stupid crush. you didn’t even know if it was a crush, or why you even felt it. when you joined the union, everyone warned you about seongje. but when it was time to actually interact with him, it was weirdly comfortable. you remembered your first mission, to which he came to help by the end of it, to finish the job off. of course you knew he was just following orders from above, but he helped you get up when he saw you laying on the ground. he also told you about the events of his evening on the way back to the bowling alley, how he had had to fight a guy who had been stealing phones from the union, while you were in tears and disassociating the whole journey. it was a simple action, but it was comforting knowing it came from seongje himself, and also knowing no one had had good intentions with you for a long time.
you weren’t friends, you didn’t even know if he had any, really. but when the missions ended and you two were alone, he spoke. you just listened, not reacting much, too afraid to mess it up. but you showed interest, nodding along or humming, not being able to hold eye contact either — not only because you knew the consequences of it, but because you were incredibly awful at it. and you, who had practically been in an unwanted social isolation for months, were really appreciative of his attempts at holding conversation, even if it was more like a monologue. too appreciative, in fact.
you guessed the lack of social interactions had messed up with your synapses. you didn’t even know how to differentiate politeness from friendliness from romantic feelings anymore. so when a random girl at the bowling alley suddenly made small talk with you while you were waiting for orders, your heart almost beat out of your chest with excitement. the joyful feeling became even greater when the girl casually mentioned a party at the usual club the members met at, and you being invited if you wanted to go. the club was actually a scenario that came out of your own nightmares, but you couldn’t say no to the minor possibility of making at least one friend. your loneliness and the urge to talk to someone was making you desperate.
you were glad you said yes, though. it was a saturday night and you were thinking too much. mostly about him. you remembered how, back when you hadn’t joined the union and you had friends, you used to drink your emotions away every weekend. so you wanted to do the same that night.
you felt really out of place, though. you came in on your own and when you entered the club, you weren’t sure where to go or whom to greet. you didn’t even know where the girl who had invited you was, or if she would even remember you. you immediately realized that it was a mistake to go without being friends with anyone, but you decided to go with the flow. just for one night.
you sat at the bar and asked for a drink, which you downed in no time. you craved for that drunken state, for your inhibitions to go away. you quickly ordered a second one, just looking around to see if you recognized anyone.
and then you saw him. sitting down, presiding over the table, while a stunning girl was straddling his lap, kissing him. you stared, the alcohol already having an effect on your body. he returned the kiss from time to time, then went back to drinking from his glass and smoking the cigarette in his hand. he also made comments to his friends while smirking, but you weren’t able to hear what they were saying because of the distance and the loud music.
you couldn’t deny it to yourself: the scene was making you wish you were her. fuck it, even being one of his friends in the table, just to see him like that up close, would be enough. you ordered another drink, wanting to forget about the image.
when you finished your fourth drink, everything that passed your sight felt like a blur. you weren’t thinking anymore, just walking, feeling the sudden urge to move. you went to the club’s main dance floor, not being able to feel embarrassment anymore. you started to dance alone, singing the parts of the songs that you remembered, slurring the words. suddenly, you felt a pair of hands roaming over your hips, picking at your dress.
“hey, sweetheart. you alone here?” you didn’t recognize the man’s voice. you just felt his hands on you too much, but you weren’t responding because you weren’t conscious enough. you just kept dancing, not even answering.
“mmh, not a talker, huh? wanna go straight at it?” he said, while spinning you around. even though you weren’t processing the situation properly, you felt uncomfortable. his hand came up to your waist, so you tried to pull away, but he didn’t let you. you started to panic.
“h-hey. let go.” you said to the man. but he kept rubbing off against you, not listening.
suddenly, as your tears started to come out, the man was pulled away. he was taken by the collar of his shirt and dragged away from the crowd. it was too quickly to process — you didn’t even see how it happened, or who did it.
you decided to go the bathroom, in the need of washing your hands to feel a little less filthy. you then chose to go out for some air, starting to sober up after that whole situation. you were just processing it, becoming conscious of the strange man and his sudden disappearance, not being aware of your environment.
“i was starting to think i needed to check my prescription again.” you froze. you definitely did recognize that voice, the one who talked to you through your disassociation time after every mission. “you were the last person i expected to see here tonight.” seongje said, while blowing his cigarette. right after that, he moved his foot, suddenly pressing against a beaten up body on the floor that you hadn’t seen. it was the man. your mouth fell open at the bizarre situation.
“now you can say thank you.” seongje said while smirking.
you stayed silent. you never talked to him, you didn’t even know what to say in normal scenarios, what was supposed to come out of your mouth then? after a minute, you decided to speak, just to make the interaction as short as possible.
“thank you. i was too drunk, and i-i couldn’t move. i’m glad someone was there.” you said while looking down at the floor.
“i was there. this is kind of my natural habitat, you know? but what are you doing here exactly?” you were shocked at his remark, but you dismissed it.
“a girl… a girl invited me. and i haven’t gone out for recreational time in like… forever. so i wanted to give it a try. it was a depressing try but, yeah…” god, why were you so awkward? you quickly shut yourself up, realizing you might need to take a social cues specialized course if you ever wanted to make friends again.
“where was that girl, huh? i mean, when this fucking bitch was groping you.” he said, while kicking the unconscious man lightly.
“i-i mean, she invited me but that’s it. i don’t even know her name… by the way, will he be okay? the last thing i want is to get in any trouble tonight- or like… ever.”
“he will be okay. he practically does this every weekend. and he always gets the same outcome.” you smiled unconsciously at the thought of him helping people, even if he was the most feared man in that club. maybe that was why so many girls were head over heels for him, you included. you all fell for the basic treatment of a man framed differently from the usual.
“so you basically work here unpaid? as a bouncer?”
“i never get involved.” he said, simply. but those words made your stomach turn. why did he get involved tonight, then? and did he just let girls get groped when he had clearly noticed it? you probably looked lost in your train of thought, since he started explaining himself. “i just tell the other guys, since they all wanna act like saviors with girls. they might wanna fuck them after their heroic act, you know? i’m always up for a fight and you know that, but alcohol kind of calms me down. i get a little lazy, so it’s no fun.” he said, casually.
“well, thank you for your special service tonight, then. weren’t no guys available? mmh… i know you were the one to interfere because i’m not fuckable enough, so don’t worry.” you said while smiling lightly, letting a bit of your personality out now that you were a little comfortable, some alcohol still left on your body.
“this is the most you have ever talked to me. now i just have to get you to look at me and i will be a happy man. that stupid fucking rule doesn’t exactly apply to you, you know that?” you stayed silent, fidgeting with your fingers in disbelief. happy man? from looking at him?
“whatever you took tonight… man, i would love some. you sound really fucked up.” you said nervously, chuckling a little to try to calm yourself down. humor was clearly your coping mechanism, but it wasn’t working so effitiently that night.
“never been more sober in my life.” he said plainly, while blowing his cigarette again. meanwhile, you were sure you were at the verge of cardiac arrest.
“look… i-i am not trying to be disrespectful. i know you are important around here. but i would prefer it if you didn’t get me involved in any kind of like… joke or mockery. i’m too slow and definitely too sensitive for that.”
“come on. just look at me.”
“i’m not trying to get my ass beaten tonight.”
he stepped closer, discarding his already used cigarette.
“i beat an asshole up for you. just told you i don’t ever do that. what more proof do you want?”
“i don’t sleep around.” you quickly said, trying to give a meaning to his words. “i know you do that, and i have seen the girls you do it with… and damn, they are beautiful and charismatic and are nothing like what i could ever be like but… maybe this is like a sick goal, or like a prank… the thing is, i’m not trying to disrespect you when i say you may want to hook up, but it’s like the only half-assed explanation i can kind of give to your words right now… and i-“ you got stopped by the sudden feeling of his fingertips on your chin, pushing up.
“you never respond to what i tell you, but you sure do have a lot in your mind. keep going, though. don’t let me stop you.” you just laughed awkwardly, still not looking at his eyes in fear. why did you took everything he said as a threat? you couldn’t believe someone — let alone seongje — would have genuine intentions with you.
“head is in the right angle. just move your eyes up and it will be perfect.” he said teasingly, his fingers still on your chin.
you decided to make it over as quickly as your body allowed you to.
“okay. after this, if you still want to beat me up, please consider that i’m not the best fighter, i have been eating like super bad lately and i’m still a little drunk. also maybe… that you are one of the most known fighters around here? that would be good to consider too, yeah.” at that point, you were just saying random words, trying to prepare yourself for the possible incoming punch into your face. you knew seongje didn’t fight people unless he was either ordered to by baekjin or if it was a challenge. you had seen his face when his opponent was strong enough to fight back: pure ecstasy. so you knew this wouldn’t be fun for him at all in terms of strength, but what if it was entertaining in another twisted way? maybe he had moved on from having fun with good fighters — maybe it was too repetitive now and he had started to enjoy a predator-pray kind of play.
“you are not going to let this go, right?”
“you already know the answer, right?”
in that moment, you just closed your eyes tightly and opened them again, now looking straight at his. how could you be so anxious just from holding eye contact with someone? maybe because that someone was seongje, and you had heard about a million stories of what had happened when someone had dared to stare.
“should i call 911?” he said teasingly, even though your head was empty at that moment, not being able to respond.
you felt stupid — like your dumb teenager self almost. you were 20 now, why was your heart beating from just looking at a man?
“now, tell me. why did you come here tonight?”
“i wanted to drink.”
“but why?”
“i-i don’t know.”
“you do know.”
“i wanted to not think.”
“about?”
“someone?”
in that moment, seongje smirked.
“i know that’s right.” he said simply, letting go of your chin.
you felt like gasping for air, relieved at the loss of his touch. it was giving you crippling anxiety, not knowing if those same fingers would move to your cheek in the form of a punch at any moment.
“that whole speech that you gave me there; about me wanting to fuck you and all that.” he paused, almost amused at your reaction when you heard his choice of words. “you are something else, i swear.”
“i know it’s fucking stupid. thinking THE geum seongje would want that with me.” you said awkwardly while laughing, fearing his reaction.
“i’m not fully denying your claims. but you didn't get all the parts right.”
what was that supposed to even mean? what part was true and which wasn’t? you just kept looking around nervously, still paying attention to the unconscious man on the floor.
“let’s get you a taxi, yeah?”
“what about him?”
“what about him?” he repeated in the same tone as yours.
“are we… just going to leave him there?”
“i’ll be here when he wakes up. he might pass out again when he sees my face, though. but if it makes you happy.” seongje said while shrugging his shoulders.
“s-sure. thank you. i’ll get my own taxi, though.” before you finished your sentence, he was already walking past you, opening an app on his phone.
“your address?”
you didn’t trust him. and he could probably see it in your face, since he passed you his phone immediately.
“just type it in. i won’t look. i’ll delete it after. do you trust me that little?”
“i-i am just a girl who is aware of her own vulnerable situation and how that can make her an easy prey?”
“so aware that a man almost forces himself on you tonight?”
ouch. he got you there. you decided to stop fighting back, just grabbing his phone. you couldn’t help but notice the small contact your fingers made when you did so, and how you lingered there for a second.
“here you go. thank you. you really helped me tonight.” you said while giving him his phone back, smiling lightly while looking down.
“don’t know what came over me neither.” the comment made your heart flutter, knowing now that you weren’t the only one confused by his actions.
when you saw the taxi down the street, you started to panic. you didn’t know how to greet people, but you knew how to say goodbye even less. the anxiety was only even worse after that whole nerve-wracking conversation, which made you have no clear thoughts in that moment.
“i don’t want to see you here ever again. this is not the place for you. if you ever wanna drink, tell me.” your heart jumped again at his sudden words. tell him? about drinking together? you wanted to drink to forget about him in the first place.
“i don’t want to bother you. but thank you.”
“get in the taxi. we’ll talk.” he said while the car stopped, coming to open the door. you just hummed and got in, looking at him for a second before he closed the door.
there, you took your first deep breath of the night, your mind racing with thoughts. thoughts of just him.
days passed. days of him acting like his usual self, and you pretty much doing the same. answering back a bit more. looking up from time to time.
“so you don’t want to drink with me?” you were walking back to the bowling alley again, exhausted. the question woke you up immediately, though.
“what?”
“first word today. that’s what i have to do to get you to talk? be blunt?” he kept smoking his usual cigarette, having the decency to blow the smoke away from your face.
“please, don’t. you are going to give me a heart attack.”
“answer the question.” why was he so persistent? you didn’t even know what to answer. yes, you wanted to spend time with him — the thought alone made your cheeks burn and your stomach turn. but the anxiety that same thought gave you was enough to not even question if you should.
“i-i know you are a busy man.”
“didn’t have you for a liar.”
fuck it. you didn’t think he would give up anyway.
“okay. tonight.” a few seconds passed by, after which he started to laugh hysterically.
your cheeks flushed. you knew it, of course you should have trusted your gut — it was all a sick joke to entertain himself. and you just had to be the most sensitive person on planet earth. your eyes started to get red and veiny, holding in your tears like a champ.
he must have noticed then, since he immediately stopped his track right in front of you.
“i knew you didn’t trust me, but damn. you really do not, like at all.” you just looked down, not really paying attention to him since you were on the verge of a breakdown.
“i’m not playing. i’m laughing at your sudden outburst of confidence, didn’t expect it there. you are just so confusing it’s hilarious.” you looked up for a moment in disbelief. he was looking straight at you, searching for your eyes.
“so? did i fuck it up?” seongje said, starting to walk again. you thanked the gods for that since you were sensing an incoming panic attack triggered by his intense gaze.
you just laughed lightly, trying to play it off.
“i’m just too dramatic. you didn’t fuck anything up.”
“i understand you feel intensely. not the same as dramatic.” perfect, you wanted to cry again. his words hit you like a train, confusing you with his remark. how or when had he even noticed that?
“i-i appreciate that. like a lot.”
“tonight is fine for me. give me your number.” you just stayed silent, lost in your thoughts. was this a good idea? or just your delusions making decisions for you?
“if we are drinking together tonight, you should trust me at least a little more.”
“you know about your own reputation.”
“as far as i know, it doesn’t include being non-consensual with women.”
“it does include dumping them the second you… you know.”
“and you know this is different. i know you know deep down.”
“i-i don’t know.”
“fine. i was going to save you from the experience of having to text first, but i’ll give you my number and you can do whatever you want with it. deal?” seongje said while putting his arm out, expecting you to give him your phone. you thought about it for a few seconds, since you didn’t believe you would have it in you to text first. but having seongje’s phone number sounded like a dream come true. you accepted, passing him your phone.
“here you go. i’ll be waiting for your text.” he said casually while walking into the bowling alley, separating your ways there.
he was a known player and this was you probably falling for it, just like all the other people before.
it was 8 pm. you were sitting down on your bed, wondering if you should say something. if you were going to do it, you had to do it now. what could you lose, though? even if he was just playing, it would be entertaining for you too. you reminded yourself that not everything had to be so serious, but anxiety always won against your true wants and needs. you wouldn’t let it be like that this time, though.
“hey. still up for drinks tonight?” you texted the number he had saved as “geum seongje :)”.
after just a minute, you received a notification. damn, he was fast.
“i’ll pick you up in an hour” your heart jumped out of your chest at his quick reply.
after 45 minutes, you were ready. you didn’t even know why you had put so much effort into your looks. you knew you wouldn’t look much different from the mess you usually were, but you still tried. although you couldn’t understand why.
while waiting, you realized you hadn’t texted him your address, but he didn’t ask neither. even though he told you he would delete it last time, you guessed he probably hadn’t. you would confront him for that later, you thought.
at 8:59 pm, there was a knock on the door. one of your roommates called your name, saying it was for you.
“who is this boy?” she said teasingly, while you walked to the entrance. there, you saw him — dressed casually but put together. you couldn’t lie to yourself: he looked extremely handsome.
“shut up. i’ll come back later.”
“sure, sure. later.” your roommate said while winking at you. you closed the door right behind you, rolling your eyes.
“sorry for that. they are not used to someone asking for me. even less if it’s a man.”
“i enjoyed it. it’s funny how awkward you get.” his comment made you blush, which only made him be even more right.
“awkward? me?”
“you are the most awkward person i’ve ever met. i like it a lot, though.” should you take that as a compliment?
“thanks, i guess?”
“you are welcome. get in.” he said while pointing at his car. you didn’t even know he had one.
“you drive? wow.” you said in a shocked expression.
“did i impress you? i’m fluttered.” he said while getting into the car. “i do everything differently with you, but it doesn’t seem to faze you at all.” you just looked confused, not knowing exactly what he meant. you always were surprised at his kindness, since you had only heard he was the opposite of the person you had met.
“i do appreciate… this. everything. anyone talking to me feels like a gift sent from the gods lately.”
“i don’t want you to say anyone.”
“mmh?” you muttered, confused. he started the car and began driving, not answering back. “by the way, where are we going?”
“special bar for you. one that isn’t a shithole like the club from the other night.”
the other night. the thought only made you sick to your stomach with anxiety. you hadn’t talked about the whole situation again. “mmh? why are you fidgeting so much? because i mentioned that night?” how did he read you so well? or were you that obvious? he was driving, so he could only see you from his peripheral sight. still, he nailed your ongoing emotional state. you decided to be honest, since you had realized in those past few weeks that excuses didn’t work with seongje.
“it was just… so overwhelming. i had never talked to you like that. or looked at you like that. and then you told me i could call you for a drink and that was… unexpected to say the least. but i get really giddy when i think about it so it’s not only anxiety.”
“do you remember the things you said? because they were quite… interesting.” you blushed, even though you didn’t exactly know what he meant. you talked way too much for your liking, and you still were tipsy, so not every part was fully clear in your mind.
“delight me. i’ll drink after so i can bear with the embarrassment now.”
“it’s not embarrassing. it’s more like you gave me a peek of what you really think of yourself.”
“so it is extremely embarrassing. great.” you said sarcastically, letting a small laugh out.
“we’ll talk about it after a drink or too so you don’t feel so embarrassed. come on, we are here.” he said while finishing parking his car.
the bar was pretty, almost elegant. it wasn’t too much, but it definitely wasn’t like the club from last time neither. you both sat down at the bar counter and seongje ordered for the two of you.
“how do you know what i like?”
“trust me. i know my drinks.”
the drinks came and he was right, you liked it a lot. so you ordered another one. and then another one. the conversation was casual, similar to the ones you usually had: he told you about the things he had done that week at the union and the people he had had to fight, and you listened. he spoke so clearly, not slurring his words at all, but you were already in another dimension, still paying him attention, but with other thoughts in mind too. like how handsome he looked. or how much you liked the fact that it was a little loud, so that he had to get closer from time to time for you to hear. you were smiling unconsciously, cheeks flushed at your own thoughts and the alcohol in your body.
“you aren’t listening anymore, mmh?”
“i am. i swear i am. you fought that… that guy… you know.”
“yeah, that guy.” he said while smiling lightly. you loved it when he smirked.
“why do you look so normal anyway? you have had as many drinks as me.”
“i am feeling tipsy. but i can control it way better than you, it seems.”
“can you blame me? you were right, you are really good at choosing drinks. and at fighting. and at many things, it seems.”
“even when you are drunk, you still aren’t capable of looking at me, huh?” he suddenly said, looking a bit lost in his own thoughts too.
“w-what?”
“i mean… we are in like a fucking… date. and you still can’t look at me. when i’ve told you you can.”
“date?! is this a date?”
“don’t fucking change the topic” he said while adjusting his glasses. he looked a bit annoyed for a moment, almost impatient.
“why do you care so much about me looking at you?” you quickly said, getting a bit defensive too.
“because i want you to trust me. and i want to see you, i wanna look into your eyes. is that too fucking much to ask for, mmh?”
“maybe it is.” you simply said, getting too overwhelmed. you didn’t like people looking straight at you. you felt small and vulnerable, and you didn’t want him to see too much. you didn’t want him to stop whatever you two had going on, but your brain had made you believe that could happen at any second if you quit hiding.
“is this about what you said the other night?”
“i told you. i don’t remember.”
“i will remind you then. you basically said that just the thought of me wanting to… sleep with you, okay? was disrespectful, to me. you said it like it was a fucking sin for me to want you.”
“oh… that.”
“you said you were nothing like someone i could potentially fuck. basically.”
in that moment, you couldn’t hold your laugh in.
“why is that such a problem, seongje? i stand by my statement, anyway. and i also don’t get how that has to do with me not looking at you, or anything really.” you said his name, which you never did. but you were getting annoyed, since deep down you understood the point he was trying to make — and deep down, you knew he was right too.
“i think you are an insecure mess. that’s all.”
you stayed silent. he was always so blunt you thought you had got used to it. but you weren’t prepared for hearing him — or anyone really — say that.
“i-i am going to go to the bathroom.”
“fuck, wait. i didn’t mean-“
“it’s okay. i just need a moment.” you got up from your seat and left to the bathroom. you knew he was right, and maybe the alcohol didn’t let him say it in the most caring way, but he was still reading you too well. which only made your tears come out faster. you tried to compose yourself, splashing a little water around your neck before going back there.
“i think i’m ready to go home.” you said as soon as you were next to him again.
“i’ll get you home. but let me smoke one first, yeah?”
“yeah, sure.”
you got out of the bar and turned the corner. an alleyway half dimmed waited there, in which seongje started to light his cigarette. after a few minutes of silence, just hearing him blowing smoke, he suddenly spoke.
“i know this won’t fix anything, but i can’t leave tonight without saying it.” he looked lost in thought again, staring straight at the wall right in front of him. you just waited in silence, expecting anything and everything really. seongje could be just like a pandora box sometimes.
“this whole night i have had to restrain myself not to get closer, feel you or even kiss you. i don’t want to scare you away. not with that, and fuck… even less with what i say.”
you looked up in surprise again. it seemed like he had a special talent to make you do so. seongje looked like he was waiting for an answer, still staying silent with a lost gaze.
“i-i don’t get you.” you couldn’t get many words out of your mouth. you were shocked and you truly didn’t understand him. you didn’t understand if this was some kind of sudden, weird want, if he craved trying something new in bed, maybe. you knew you looked like someone who didn’t have much experience at anything, just surviving for these past few years. he could have noticed, since it wasn’t that difficult to see and he was really observant. once again, you couldn’t find many other explanations for his words and actions.
he suddenly laughed while moving his head from side to side. you could see how he was holding his cigarette tighter and the way his jaw clenched. you could sense that he was mad.
“you are impossible. fuck… i don’t even know why i’m trying.”
after a few seconds of you staying silent again, he discarded his cigarette and started walking. “let’s get you home.” he sounded cold, just like everyone had said he was. you walked a few meters behind him, holding your tears in. you knew you were a mess, you were fucking it up. you had had a crush on seongje for so long and now he was saying he wanted to get closer, but you were reacting like that? you were aware of how insecure and anxious you were, but not to this level.
“wait, seongje. i’m sorry.”
“come on.”
“please, let’s talk.”
“then fucking talk. do you think this is easy for me? you think i’ve done this before?” he said while turning around, finally looking at you. you locked eyes with him, which you had only done in a few occasions, but this time it broke your heart. you hated being the cause of someone’s anger, let alone seongje’s.
“d-don’t get mad. i don’t want you to be angry.”
“i’m not mad. i’m fucking disappointed.”
that was even worse. way worse, in fact. tears started to spill out, not being able to hold them anymore. he was always so honest, you knew everything he said he truly meant it.
“don’t… don’t fucking do that.” he said while starting to walk towards you, stopping right in front of your own feet. “just tell me what you think about what i said.”
“i think you are not… reflecting on this enough.”
“you really fucking think i have just decided to say it? that i haven’t wondered for nights about a way of doing it without getting this exact same reaction from you?!”
his words seemed to knock all of the air out of your lungs. for the first time, you kept looking at him, needing to see how he really felt, what he meant with his words. “i have never, fucking never, done this before, okay?”
“done what? flirt with a girl?”
“fuck it, you won’t get it unless i say it straight, huh?”
“you know… you know i’m not used to this!”
“fucking confess to someone! fuck!”
you were gasping for air at that point. were you understanding him right?
“y-you mean…”
“yeah, it means i like you, dumbass. that is what i’ve been trying to get you to infer for the whole night. but even when i tell you directly, you seem not to get it.”
geum seongje liked you. your brain was telling you to not trust him, reminding you you were not enough for him, or anyone really. but the excitement in your heart won for a moment, which got you to speak without thinking.
“you said… you said you wanted to kiss me.”
“really badly.”
“then do it.”
“are you…?”
“i am sure. i warn you though, i haven’t done this in like years so it’s probably like super bad, nothing compared to what you-“
you suddenly felt his lips crash on yours, moving slowly, but getting faster as seconds passed. he held the back of your head to steady you, not letting you pull away, almost scared that you would do so. he felt warm, which made you forget about everything else for a moment, just him in your mind. you were sure you weren’t doing it right, but you were willing to practice with him. after what felt like an eternity but also mere milliseconds at once, he pulled away while panting, resting his forehead over yours.
“you are looking at me now, huh?” seongje said while smiling teasingly.
“don't make me regret this." his smile just kept growing bigger, his cheeks as flushed as yours.
"you won't. ever."
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Friend: Don't you want to have a romance?
Me: I'm good, I have romance at home.
Romance I have at home: