His grasp tightened on the baby monitor, if both of his hands had been free James might have been tossing the thing anxiously back and forth at the thought of Cami and forgiveness. Cami had always been a tough one to crack, if Lily was stubborn, which she was, then they’d have to create a new word to describe what Cami was. As much as James wanted to believe what Lily had said was true he wasn’t sure. Cami had a flare of anger that normally cooled, but this wasn’t like any other fight. Things were said by both they can never truly take back and at the end of the day no matter how you looked at it he was the reason her brother was dead. He couldn’t blame her for feeling this way, merlin even he felt that way if he let himself. “ Maybe.” He agreed defeatedly “ I’d even take her never talking to me again if she would just take care of herself properly…” James added, that the idea of never having anything to do with someone he loved was hard to swallow, but if it meant that Cami lived a good and safe life, he owed Remus that much.
A faint smile cracked his despondent expression as Lily had attempted to distract him from getting an answer, admittedly a poor but cute attempt. He may have let her get away with it too if the topic had been lighter. “ Some wives can, but my wife? I don’t think so. I still remember when you used fuel compounds studying to get me in that frightening beast because you wanted that desert halfway across England.” James countered, a lighthearted story allowing her some of a detour before pushing for more. A little exaggerated, but that only added to the light-heartedness he thought. Her real reply to the question was a bit lackluster, but it had been purely Lily. She always had taken a bit of pushing to get more out of her, and there was truth in the answer even if it was vague. Lily had always hated not knowing, he’d seen her pour over books for hours and hours to find an answer to a question that had come up casual. It was endearing, and certainly one of the reasons she was the smartest person he knew. If she didn’t know something, she would.
James nodded in understanding before responding himself, there was a lot they didn’t know. A lot they couldn’t know, but that never stopped him from trying to comfort her before and it wouldn’t stop him now. “ You never were good with that, but we’ll figure it out like we always do together. ” The hand that brushed her hair out of her face moments ago trailed down and reach for her own. “ Once you weren’t sure we’d know how to be parents, and look at us now a diaper and lullaby closer each day.” He finished, pausing for a moment before going into to push for more detail.” Now, what are we trying to figure out?”
The past year and a half had brought painful moment after painful moment. James and his friends had always been a unit -- and now that unit was fractured. And she didn’t know what was worse.. losing Remus, who deserved so much better, in a way she knew James blamed himself for, or losing Peter before he had a chance to explain why he betrayed them. And then Harry, and she had run shortly after that -- and it hadn’t been away from James, he knew that, but knowing wasn’t always enough to keep the doubts away. And now Cami. James was resilient, but God, there was only so much a person could handle. She nodded thoughtfully as he explained. She would come around, Lily was sure of it. Someone could only take isolation for so long -- the brain craved companionship, and Cami knew she had that in them, with or without Remus. But she understood his worry because she shared it. “If you’re up for her potentially punching you into the next century I’d say just ambush her, honestly. We can put our heads together and figure something out. If we can just figure out where she’s been staying we can take a softer approach.” She knew that she wasn’t at her flat, but she didn’t have too many ideas beyond that. Priya and Remus were dead, Paulie was on holiday, Regulus was in hiding, If Sirius knew they would know. She didn’t know anyone else that she may be with.
She waved him off, making a dismissive noise. “Your wife sounds like the worst,” she smiled. “might want to find you a new one.” She let out an airy laugh at the memory. “And they were the best donuts you’ve ever had, don’t try and deny it.” They were exceedingly average, but she’d admit nothing.
The memory of a happier time softening her resistance slightly. “How to do any of this, really. How to raise a baby in a war? How to explain to Harry how wonderful and damaging this world can be? What if we’re still in hiding when he’s walking and talking? How to explain to him why he can’t go outside and play?” She took a breath, more coming out than she expected but she was on a roll now. “Why he never gets to see other kids? Or say we’re not in hiding anymore -- how do you explain to a kid why some people care about the fact that I grew up in the Muggle world and you didn’t? Or do you just not and cross that bridge when it comes because you know it will? Even if we end this some little shit is going to drop the M-word in front of him one day. And then what about when it gets bad again? I’m supposed to sit here with him and be okay waiting while you and all of the friends we have left go off and fight?” She paused. “And that’s not because you’re a man, mind you. You’re just a better dueler than me. Say you get killed, god forbid. I’m sitting here on the floor playing with blocks with Harry when Sirius has to come by and tell me that you died? No, that’s not right, because you and I both know that his arse is going out with you -- so Mary or Marlene then? There’s just too many questions and not enough answers, I guess. Too many ways it can all go wrong.”
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