camilupin:
…
Jesus Christ.
At the sound of James’s voice an emotion she didn’t care to put a name to flared up inside of her. It wasn’t quite anger, but anger was fucking close enough. The moment the bartender turned she shoved her shoulder into him, but at the same time he pushed her further into the booth, sliding in next to her. “What the fuck?” She meant for it to come out harsh and angry, but it was closer to a whine.
The last time she had seen James was a blur of angry words, tears, and blood – it was hard to grasp onto the details, to sort through the memories to make sense of the things she had said and that she needed to apologize for eventually. Eventually. It had taken far too much to convince her that Remus was gone, far too much for her heart to accept what her mind had known as truth immediately. James and Sirius had been her brothers too, almost from the moment she had gotten sorted into Gryffindor and made herself impossible to ignore amongst her brother’s friends. She had known from the start that Remus hadn’t properly prepared them for her, known right away that they had expected another quiet and studious Lupin, not her hellraising self. But they had accepted her anyway. She had known immediately they wouldn’t have told her any of this if it hadn’t been true – but Priya had all but come back from the dead for her just a few days prior. Who was to say that Remus couldn’t do the same?
She remembered the words she had screamed at James. The cruel, unforgivable things she had shouted as the confusion had given way to anger and anguish. He should have been there, that much was true – but she should have been there too. She had helped him through a million full moons before Hogwarts and in those early years. She knew how to do it – and if she had just checked those fucking chains the night he had almost gotten out maybe he would have called her and let her sit with him again. Maybe he would still be alive.
Despite the unforgivable words she had shouted, and that he had tossed back at her, he had still tried to stop her from leaving – and she had repaid that gesture by punching him. And truthfully, it had probably hurt her more than it had hurt him. He had a hard fucking head – but the ache in her knuckles was grounding when everything else felt numb in those first few days. Every time she heard footsteps in the hall outside of her flat her heart fluttered thinking it was Remus coming to see her. Every time she saw someone his height from the corner of her eye she had thought it was him. She didn’t know how long it had taken before her mind and her heart came to agreement – that her brother was gone. But it had taken awhile.
She wasn’t angry at James anymore. She hadn’t been for a long time – but in the same breath she felt horribly guilty for the way she had blamed him, for the words that she had said. And guilt had never been an easy emotion for her to reconcile with. It made her angry and bitter and defensive – and she knew that James deserved better than that, but she also knew she didn’t have the energy to be the bigger person right now.
She hesitated at his words, mulling them over in her mind. She wasn’t broke right now, not really. The last few months had her throwing herself into her work, doing more commissions and more tattoos than she ever had before, and she had just sort of stopped paying her rent as she hide at the Rookwood’s – but she could work the rest of her life and not have as much money as James so she supposed it wouldn’t hurt to let him feed her. She didn’t say anything to that effect though, just shoved her pencils back in her her bag, shoved her sketchbook to the far side of the table and sunk into the booth.
“What do you want, James?” She asked after a long pause. She didn’t look at him, her eyes staring out into the room, at people who still had it in themselves to have fun, even though it felt like the entire world was crumbling down around them. Kidnappings and murderers and collapsing bridges. Both the Muggle and the wizarding worlds were shit at the moment.
The force he’d pushed her in had been met with some resistance from a shove of her own, though admittedly it was hardly enough to stop his, at least not compared to what it used to. James never really had much of an advantage with Cami, height difference was never much, he probably had her beat in the strength department, but her stubbornness always equaled them out. Not now though, the toll the death of Priya and Remus had taken her finally gave him an upper hand he wasn’t exactly fond of. He’d much rather been fighting over booth space with her like a couple of kids until Lily or Remus had offered them a warning to stop it. They’d be amused as much as they’d like to pretend the behavior disgruntled them. It wasn’t something they’d get back, at least not for a while and it’d never be Remus saying the words again. A frown almost settled on his face at the thought, but before it could the pitch of Cami’s question and curse hit him. It was reminiscent of the past he’d just been pondering, things would change, but Cami would always be a little sister both fed up and endeared by him.
" Oh? This seat wasn’t taken, was it? ” James responded cheekily, “ I figured if I gave you the ability to run you would, so I didn’t give it.” He add with a half-hearted shrug, figuring there wasn’t harm in a more vulnerable explanation. She was trapped with him after all, she’d punched him many times before, and realistically after the last time they spoke he believed there were few words she could say to hurt him. It wasn’t all her fault though, he hadn’t said the best things that night either and she wasn’t wrong entirely he could have done more for Remus. He should have done more for Remus, but that was his own guilt he’d have to get over, he wasn’t here to go over that with her he was here to make sure she was okay. She’d all but dropped off the face of the earth to him, this separation was bearable enough when he could at least make sure she was okay from a distance, but when she was nowhere to be found he couldn’t do it.
Cami hadn’t verbally agreed to stay, nor to eat the food he ordered, but the sound of pencils falling into the bag and her sketchbook as it slid was enough confirmation. She decided to stay possibly begrudgingly, yet he was satisfied with it. The pair sat in silence, or as much silence as you can in a busy pub, and he imagined the whole night could go this way. He’d be perfectly happy with it, just to sit next to her silently without being punched and ensure she’s eating a suitable amount to take care of herself. he’d be perfectly content with it, happier if they did talk he missed her and actual verbal confirmation that she was okay, but he could live without it.
Drawn out of his thoughts of how the night could go with her question, James let out a breath of relief as he turned to look towards her. Cami wasn’t directly looking at him, in fact, it felt more like she was staring through him, but it was a start. As excited as he was to be actually talking, he had a few answers to that question. He wanted to know where she’s been, how she has been doing, if she was safe, if she found somewhere safe, if she herself was being safe she was about as reckless as the rest of them- but spilling all of those out right now wasn’t what she wanted. “ I want to make sure you’re okay...” He trailed off. it was a bit of a bleak word to use, but it didn’t feel right to use others considering what was going on.
