[lxstwords]

06.04.21  — 𝑊𝑒’𝑙𝑙 𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑡𝑜𝑜. 

[lxstwords]

02.17.21  — I hate how something like that can easily shake the peace I’ve tried so hard to build and protect. I’m so frustrated that that feeling of stability did not even last me a month. Believe me when I say I’m teaching myself to just let things go but it is so hard when all I get in return is self-pity and doubts. God, if only you knew how much I’m trying not to lose my footing again.

[lxstwords]

12.25.20 — All I have ever wanted is to feel secure and at peace. Yet, everyday has been nothing but a constant battle of feeling like I will never be enough. I just want to disappear because maybe then my absence will make them think of me, for once.

[lxstwords]

12.16.2020 — I've been going through old photos these past few days and I can't help but feel like I've lost something. My confidence? Self trust? Which I don't have that much to begin with but atleast there was even a little. Or maybe my smile that used to reach my eyes? I really am not sure but I just can't help but feel like there is something missing in me. I can't help but feel sad for the person I turned out to be. My heart has been too full of insecurities and doubts. And I feel like the only converstions I have with myself now are all about the stuff that is wrong with me. I know I should not but I have been feeding myself with too much self-hate and negativity. I just can't help it. I want to, badly, give myself the kindness I give to other people but it is so hard. I really don't know why I always end up like this. Why is it so hard to love myself? To be happy?

[lxstwords]

I think they've forgotten that you have your limits too. Or maybe, they just really do not care. So just let them, just take it all in— until you do not give a damn anymore.

[lxstwords]

A draft from 2017— I find it so hard to trust people. My parents’ relationship made it difficult to do so. I know not everybody is out there to hurt me but I can’t help but doubt every time somebody shows me affection. Is this even true? People can last years together but still end up breaking each other’s heart. I have witnessed how the light left my mother’s eyes. Her bubbliness slipped away replaced by bitterness and mistrust. Sometimes, I do not even recognize anymore the woman who puts her rage unto me every once in a while. I miss my mother and that’s what scares me the most— to lose myself because I was cheated on or the trust I have so preciously given was broken. I have this fear of entering relationships for I might end up like her. 

11.10.20 — I trust easy now ... too much, some might say. Trust is a fragile thing, it's like giving someone else the power to crush you but at the same time it is freeing, intimate. But now I know that no matter how many times the people you've given it to break it, it does not equate to losing yourself but rather finding who you truly are. It is knowing that love goes hand in hand with trust. That you can still give your whole even when they break you in many halves. That you are kind, even when the world isn't. And most importantly, that you are capable of forgiveness and that you are strong enough to mend your broken pieces. They can hurt you, break you, or leave you— let them, if that's what it takes to learn. But always remember, they may light it down for sometime but no one can ever take your flame away.

[lxstwords]

Pakiusap —

Please don't ask her how her day was

Check on her life, her work, herself

Show interest in what's going on with her

And letting her know that you still care.

Is it selfish to ask you these,

Am I petty with my requests?

But what can I do when the more you two talk,

More you dream and care and think of her

The less and less I feel special— ah, worthless.

[qvotext]

“Maybe love stays. Maybe love can’t. Maybe love shouldn’t. Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to. And love leaves exactly when love must. When love arrives, say, ‘Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.’ If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her. Turn off the music, listen to the quiet. Whisper, ‘Thank you for stopping by.’”

— Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye; When Love Arrives

[lxstwords]

This tires me out so much— I'm just so tired of my thoughts and always feeling my heart stuck in my throat.

[lxstwords]

10.25.20 — On our twenty third, I lost myself in that moment. Our drunken selves and tangled bodies. Happy, content, in love— or so I thought. For as soon as sleep embraced you, you gently called for her. Her monosyllabic name rolled off your tounge like sweet honey. Clear, not slurred. Shocking to hear from someone who just had far too many shots of gin. I dare not think what you were dreaming of nor wake you up and rob your thoughts of her image and your memories together. Funny how when I heard you sigh deeply, I felt like I know the answer already to the question I have always wanted to ask but feared to. I know that in your slumber, you were happy with her. It's the fourth time it happened but everytime still feels like the first time. I just cannot get used to you calling somebody else's name when you're in your most vulnerable state. I wanted to shake you out of your sleep but then I thought, who am I to take away from you something that I could not even give you no matter how hard I try. All I wanted from the start is to make you happy and feel loved but it seems like I always come shorthanded. It is what it is, I will never compare to her and what she could give— will never be enough. Hurts but it is okay though, I'll just continue giving. Love really does make people stupid. So with blurry eyes, I lay there still. I waited for sunrise, for this to end. For you to wake up and for me to be free of this horrible nightmare— your perfect little dream ... of her.

[mesogeios]

“Find out what makes you kinder, what opens you up and brings out the most loving, generous, and unafraid version of you―and go after those things as if nothing else matters. Because, actually, nothing does.”

— George Saunders

[lxstwords]

01.14.20 — It’s one of those days again where I don’t understand myself. I was doing fine this morning and then evening hit and I started to feed my insecurities again. I know too much stuff I should not know about and I keep knowing more— truth be told, I do not know why I keep doing this to myself. I have too many worries and fears and my thoughts are too much right now that I feel like my head is going to explode. Loneliness is starting to take over me again and I can feel my heart being ripped out of my chest. I wanted to tell someone what’s going on inside my head but I fear that I would not be understood. So instead of confiding, I instead chose to withdraw from the world and just let myself drown in my own tears of self-pity and confusion.

[lxstwords]

10.19.19 — Why am I so weak against emotional pain? I can feel myself drowning again, I badly want to hurt myself. I’d rather be in physical pain than feel my heart hurt. I’ve been crying for twenty four hours, I’m actually surprised I still have tears left to cry. I tried to eat but I ended up throwing it up— my body just won’t accept it. I feel like it wants to shut down on its own. It’s scary feeling like you’re not enough. I think something broke inside and I’m scared that there’s no one to stop me anymore in case my demons get the better of me. I’m so tired of myself and my own mind.

[lxstwords]

One day, you will leave me— I can feel it.

[lxstwords]

Same old same old; I tried to kill myself again but this time I got caught. Shame.

[lxstwords]

Why does my heart need to hurt always?

[lxstwords]

Lord, my heart is aching once again but this time from a different kind of heartbreak. Who wouldv’e thought I would go through this when I used to be so good at protecting my heart— a dumb dumb heart, apparently. How much more can I take, I wonder.