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@m00nbeamspr0xxy
《BOOOO, I got t-worded, used to be heaven-by-pr0xy 》
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TW FOR VENTS ABOUT:
×BPD
×ED
×SH
×General Depression
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☆STATS☆
Sw:375lbs
cw:314.8lbs 🤢
🔒lw:261.4lbs🔒
Gw1🔒:250lbs
Gw2🔒:240lbs
Ugw🔒:125lbs
Starting BMI: 50.9
Current BMI: 42.3
♡Binge free days this month: 9♡
You don't listen to me. I tell you to take pain meds when you FIRST start feeling your headaches coming on and you refuse. Literally any kind of physical pain you refuse to take anything for and then I have to be the one holding your hair up when you vomit or listening to you scream and hit yourself and other objects cause you're in pain. Then I get lectures on how you think pain meds don't fix the root of the problem and could possibly effect how people process empathy or retellings of experiences I witnessed FIRST HAND where it's "Oh it wasn't actually my head hurting it was my ears" or "it wasn't my head it was my stomach" LIKE I WASNT FUCKING THERE WHILE YOU WERE CURLED UP VOMITING WHIMPERING ABOUT YOUR HEAD. I fucking HATE seeing you like that when it's fucking preventable. You're scared of pain meds because of the "side effects" but have a nicotine addiction? Still partake in reckless behavior? You just draw the line at fucking pain meds? I literally can't stand to be in the same room as you in those episodes cause nothing I ever do is correct. You're mean as fuck when you're in pain. You're scary when you're hurting and lash out. I'm not pushing them on you cause I think it's funny YOU ARE FUCKING SCARY
No cause I don't think I'm actually gonna apologize to you for not enjoying games the same way you do. I have other things I like to do. I don't get to sit at home all day and cycle through my fuckin hyperfixations til my girlfriend gets off work. I'm not sorry other things occupy my brain than just my comfort media 24/7. I'm tired. You also have never played one of my comfort games or showed an interest in playing not one of them. All the games we play are games YOU wanted me to play and I happened to enjoy them. And I do enjoy them but at a different level than you. I don't need to fuckin play my favorite games 6 times to enjoy them. I pick things up and put them down as I go and revisit when it strikes me. I don't understand why that's somehow wrong or me being difficult cause I don't like them the exact same way and intensity you do. It also doesn't help that you push me to play every day weather it's a work day or a weekend day or a good day or a bad day. That's all you're asking me to do. That's all you fucking talk about. Excuse me if I'm prickly about playing when you wanna talk about lore after I've just got off a 9hr shift on my feet all day dealing with sensory overload. I'm tired. I'm irritated. It's making me hate the game and resent gaming with you. You know how hard it is playing games with people in GENERAL for me so you pushing it on me doesn't fucking feel good. When have you taken an interest in MY hobbies? When have you asked to do shit I like doing with me other than laying in bed next to me? When have you asked to watch a horror movie with me? When have you asked to draw with me? When have you asked what book I'm reading??? No, but I'm supposed to wanna hop on to games with you every day. And God forbid I decline to play a game I actually want to. I'm so irritated with you right now.
I'm one more disappointment away from ending my shit. I lost my Papa last month, had to quit my old job which was stressing me out so bad i lost feeling in my face and still havent gotten it back, started a new job this month but now I can't get insured til January so if something happens I'm just fucked, and to top it off I'm fat. I literally can't take anything else.
The upside of her not wanting to touch me anymore is I get to cut wherever I want now. I honestly don't blame her though, why would she want to touch someone like me?
Lost 8lbs in 2 days and I've been weighing in the evenings before dinner so it might be more? But at this rate I'll be back on track in a week and a half
I really love being on a one sided call after a long day of work while she plays games with someone else 🙃
She has all day to do this. It's not like she has anything planned during my shift but whatever. I'll just fuck off I guess.
You had all day to hang out with her and you chose the fucking 6 hours I have after work before I have to go back and work a job that I fucking HATE to have yourself on MUTE WHILE I SIT THERE LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT TRYING TO TALK TO YOU I HATE THIS I DONT WANNA EVEN TALK TO YOU ANYMORE GO AND SPRND ALL YOUR TIME WITH HER THEN AND ILL JUST FUCKING SLEEP BECAUSE THATS ALL I EVER HAVE TIME TO DO NOW IS SLEEP SND FUCKING WORK SND SLEEP AND WORK FONT ASK WHY I KEEP RELAPSING DONT ACT WORRIED WHEN YOU HAD 18 FUCKING HOURS TO DO IT AND YOU CHOSE NOT TO. I GET OFF A 10 HOUR SHIFT MY FEET HURT AND ALL I WANNA DO IS TALK TO YOU AND YOU DO THIS BULLSHIT I HATE YOU
Literally just needed to relapse and drink some juice. I'm so in love with her lol
Me when the cut is deeper than last time
You had all day to hang out with her and you chose the fucking 6 hours I have after work before I have to go back and work a job that I fucking HATE to have yourself on MUTE WHILE I SIT THERE LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT TRYING TO TALK TO YOU I HATE THIS I DONT WANNA EVEN TALK TO YOU ANYMORE GO AND SPRND ALL YOUR TIME WITH HER THEN AND ILL JUST FUCKING SLEEP BECAUSE THATS ALL I EVER HAVE TIME TO DO NOW IS SLEEP SND FUCKING WORK SND SLEEP AND WORK FONT ASK WHY I KEEP RELAPSING DONT ACT WORRIED WHEN YOU HAD 18 FUCKING HOURS TO DO IT AND YOU CHOSE NOT TO. I GET OFF A 10 HOUR SHIFT MY FEET HURT AND ALL I WANNA DO IS TALK TO YOU AND YOU DO THIS BULLSHIT I HATE YOU
Literally did not weigh myself since January and gave in today and did it even though I've eaten and worked all day....bitch I've been maintaining the whole time. I'm relieved and pissed at the same time
Of course you're motivated to go out for weed. You don't even like me like that JUST FUCKING SAY THAT. You haven't been completely sober since I met you, you only like me cause you're high. I should have known it was too good to be true. You're a LIAR, YOU DONT LOVE ME YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
Over it, I'm over it, I'm over it I'm relapsing and I'll relapse actually whenever the fuck I want to because I don't owe anyone anything and it's not their body so what does it matter? I work a full time job on my feet for 8hrs and all I want to do is see you and suddenly you're too sick to see me. It's always when I wanna see you or go anywhere. Then you suddenly can't or can't even enjoy the experience. I'm not forcing you anymore. You owe me nothing and I don't owe you staying clean. Leave me alone like you've been doing.
You're always LATE it's so annoying. I don't even want you to pick me up anymore cause you can never make it on time, I'm so mad at you. I have to sit in this tiny ass cramped ass room and I hate it. You're pissing me off and I don't want to talk to you
I was so pretty, I was doing so well last year and I fuckin slipped and gained so much. I hate myself, I miss seeing my collar bones I miss how slim my face was, I hate what I did to me.
Restriction has been ASS this month, but I've been working out every day for almost 30 days and trying super hard not to binge. My gf has been very conscious of my food intake so I can't get away with not eating around her or eating portions as small as my disordered ass would prefer. She also commented on how much tighter she can wrap her arms around me lately when she hugged me (she was concerned, I was euphoric) so I hope that's a good sign cause I'm scared to weigh in when I wake up lol
me after sexualizing myself because that's the only thing that makes me feel wanted
