You may call me Macthaniel @macencheeze - Tumblr Blog

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After Lauren died, I thought “who’s going to love me? Who can actually love someone who couldn’t keep his wife alive?” And let me tell you, the irrational thinking and blaming myself over her death was very strong. Plus I did things to make myself unwanted. Or so I thought.

I got her name tattooed in her hand writing on my shoulder/chest so when I’m on top of someone they’ll see her name. Her engagement ring is tattooed on my left finger. That made sense to me at the time. As time went on, I realized that that stuff didn’t matter and women still wanted to date me long term.

So then I had the great idea to try very hard to get HSV2. You know, herpes. I had unprotected sex with a couple women who I knew had herpes. In my mind that would definitely make no one want to be with me if I contracted it from someone.

I was wrong because I told some women that down the road and one even told me she used to date someone that had herpes and it was controlled and if he had an outbreak they would wait it out.

So it was around that time I realized, people are going to love me no matter what I do to make myself unlovable. So then it clicked in my head, maybe I ought to love me? Maybe I should learn to be happy?

And so here I am! I love myself a lot more than I used to.

And I’m happy! I’m not afraid to say that anymore! Because used to anytime I said I was happy something would happy to take my happy away.

All those times I said I wanted herpes to be unloved finally caught up with me. No, I don’t have herpes. I do believe, however, that I have HPV due to some things on my genitals.

I think I have genital warts. So this is fun. I have an appointment today to go and see if they can give me anything and maybe biopsy some to see if it is actually genital warts.

My gf is so good when I confessed to her, in person, that I think I have HPV due to the warts, she just looked at me and said “our HPV”

She doesn’t have it. She got tested a couple months ago.

Did y’all think this was going to have a happy ending? Lol

I’m not worried though. Just take the punch and roll with it. I’ll update later when i can.

Looking back at some of my old posts since Lauren passed and jeez, I was not in a good place back then.

I was trying to survive and with no one to really guide me. I just did it in a way that felt right only it wasn’t.

Also, a lot of the things I would say. Overshare much?? Why did anyone like me? And by anyone I mean yall. Was it to see the spiral? “Somebody come take a look at this. Looklooklooklook”

I can honestly say that I am in a much happier place now.

While I was working in ELLL AYYY, my gf came to visit me and while we were ubering to the comedy store “Pink Pony Club” came on and it was the first time Nikki heard it. She liked it especially since the comedy store is in West Hollywood.

She had listened to it a few more times while we were driving around and doing all the touristy things. It’s sort of became “our song” but not like we think of it as OUR song like that. We just use it as a unit of measure for time. If we’re gonna go somewhere and I need to get up I tell her “just give me like, 2 PPCs and then I’ll get up” then she opens her music app, plays pink pony club 2 times and by the end of it, I have to get up.

Or when I’m about to leave instead of asking for 5 minutes of cuddle time, it’s 1 PPC of cuddle time. Idk, it’s cute af and I enjoy it.

I saw a double rainbow in west Texas when I was driving back from California. I stopped at a truck stop.

I had just peed out the passenger door because I held it for so long that I couldn’t even make it inside. I barely had time to set the air brakes.

After dad’s initial surgery:

I say dad, but we called him Popps. He’s been Popps since when we made him an AOL account back in the 90s.

Anyways, on the first or second night I stayed with him at the hospital before he was released he wanted to stay up all night and party. And it was not fun. He would reach into the air and he definitely saw something because he kept pointing at the ceiling or into a corner of the ceiling. When I’d try to calm him down he’d grab at my hoodie. Popps is an old farm boy and even though he was mostly paralyzed on his right side, his left hand was still very strong.

I finally got him to sleep and then a nurse comes in checking in him but made a huge deal and I’m trying to tell her to get out. A whole bunch of calamity happened and eventually a doctor came in to check on him after I threw everyone out. Doctor said he needed to check something, I said leave, he said he’d be real quick.

As he was reaching to check something on Popps, he grabs the doctor’s forearm and squeezes. So I didn’t mention, Popps is right handed so that’s his strong side, but again that left hand was still strong. He started squeezing that forearm and wouldn’t let go. Finally the doctor relented and said he’d leave. It took both of my hands to release dad’s.

Once he was calm and asleep, I sat in chair at the foot of his bed in front of the doors to tell anyone trying to come in to GTFO. I didn’t look at my phone to keep me occupied or anything. Just sat there glaring at the doors. Then at some point in the morning the door to his room started to open and I stood up ready to kick whomever it was out, but it was just mom coming to relieve me so I could go to work. I went from 0 to 100 and back to 0 real quick.

So yeah, that was one night with Popps at the hospital

More life update:

During a lot of this, my dad was diagnosed with a glioblastoma and had surgery to remove it. He went into the hospital walking and talking, and left almost non-verbal, mostly paralyzed on his right side and wheelchair bound. He fought for as long as he could and I’m sure at times he wanted to give up, but he kept doing what he could when he could.

While he was in the hospital and rehab center, he was never alone. Someone was always with him. Mom, my 2 sisters, myself, my 2 brother-in-laws. Round the clock we were with him. Some days I’d be there all night and then leave to go to work to drive 18 wheelers to Baton Rouge and then I’d come home and go right back to the hospital.

Dad eventually succumbed to the glioblastoma. The life expectancy is 12-18 months and dad made it 2 years. He passed in his sleep on March 20th of this year. I had just got home from a job the day before. At 3:30am I woke up and my phone range not too long after that. My sister, who I live with, woke up at 3:15am. I think dad came to tell us goodbye.

When the funeral home came to pick up dad we were all there. But that night I thought to myself how dad was never alone when he was in the hospital and now he’s going to be alone at the funeral home.

Also during some of this time, I met another woman. And we’d of course sleep together here and there. Then I started to date the previous woman I mentioned. And she was dating someone. We broke up. They broke up. And she and I would be good friends. Pals, as we called it. Pals because we used to sleep together. We still did, but we used to, too.

We finally said screw it and made it official in January of this year. I mean, we’d been casually hooking up off and on for 2.5 years so why not, right. And she takes care of me maybe and it’s because that’s what I deserve.

One thing that I do appreciate is she makes a lot of money. Like a lot of money. Like Louis this, Gucci that money. But she’s so down to earth and doesn’t care about designer anything. In fact if someone broke into her place and stole all her earrings she’d be out like $45 and she has A LOT of earrings. But it’s nice because I’ve been used to paying for everything when I’m with someone. And with her, we can literally either split the tab, take turns paying the tab, or if my money is low cuz I’m not working a lot, then she’ll pick up the tab. Which I hate, but I’m getting better at.

We went to golden nugget recently and split everything and it was such a great time. She wants to travel a lot with me and as much as I want to we well, I don’t have the time to really due to my work schedule. Like never knowing when I’m gonna go on a job. Even when I do know, it might get pushed back or might even be canceled.

Like last week, I was told to take a tractor back up north. I was just bobtailing which means no trailer on the 18 wheeler. I had to take it back to Youngstown, OH and I was about 45 minutes from west Memphis when I get a call to turn around and come back. I was mad, but not THAT mad. Free money and I’m just driving? And I’m not at the shop?? Even better.

I kept driving to west Memphis and then I was like “wait a minute! Why tf am I still going to west Memphis?? I need to turn tf around!” And so I did finally. Turned around and found another hotel. There was no way I was going to make it back to Texas that same day.

There’s still a lot more that has gone on but that’s what I feel like I can tell yall for right now. Maybe I’ll post a video tomorrow??? I’m not gonna go to work.

So, life update:

If any of yall remember, I was working at a plant and had worked there for 15 years and was fired for yelling at an office boy. I floated around for a while, I was unemployed due to covid but the extra covid money really helped out a lot.

I managed to get a job with a family friend and have excelled there. I ended up becoming a foreman, learned how to drive 18 wheelers and have my class A CDL. The CDL came before the foreman thing which that helped me to become a foreman. I’ve been here almost 4 years now and now I’m a supervisor. Next step is project manager.

A while back, I dated a woman I was absolutely crazy about and even though I knew she was never going to love me like I loved her, I told her that would be okay. That I’d still love her regardless. Well, that didn’t work out. I was absolutely devastated, but I managed to get over her. However it broke me in a way that I never wanted to be in relationships. Nothing more than just FWB of course. And of course that never works. So I broke some hearts.

Then I did get into a relationship with another woman. Someone who I wish I could’ve dated after just meeting her but I was with the woman I was just talking about who broke me. Well, I broke me. I essentially forced a relationship she didn’t want to be in. Anyways that doesn’t matter.

This woman we ended up being in a relationship and it was the first time I was taken care of. Something that’s never been offered to me before. I’d date girls and they’d thank me for at least showing them how they deserve to be treated. Have doors opened for them, be cared for emotionally, listened to and so on.

This one took care of me and it’s something I realized that that’s something I deserve to have in my life. Not in a way I’d take advantage of it, but I definitely enjoyed it. When I told her how happy I was with her, things of course fell apart. She had to move a couple states over to help her elderly parents. She wouldn’t have had to except one of her sisters who helped take care of their parents was diagnosed with leukemia.

So she moved and yet again I was heart broken. We were both equally upset, but I wasn’t going to ask her to stay if she had to go. Maybe if we had been dating for 2 years already I would’ve. But we weren’t even 3 months in.

More in the next post.

No time to explain, here’s a few pics. These are all pretty recent. Within the last 10 months or so.

Buffy is still doing good. That’s my (I don’t own it, it was just what I took) 18 wheeler I drove out to California. I rescued a Durango from an Ohio airport and eventually bought it.

Okay, when i have time today I will give you an update update

Decided to pop in and see what’s going on. Checking on the people I follow list and looks like a lot have left years ago. Some of yall are really hanging on.

I miss the old tumblr days. In fact, when I talk about tumblers, the cup, I still type out tumblr.

That being said, anyone want a life update? Bueller? Bueller?

macencheeze

So from now on, I will be practicing safe sex and will always use a condom.

macencheeze

Yeah, so about that...

From now on, I will be using condoms and practicing safe sex.

macencheeze

Yeah, so about that I’m really going to do it this time

You can't just heart and run!

Yes I can. Cuz I just did 🙃

Trying to have a serious conversation then decided to throw in a joke that clearly didn’t land and I ended up having to explain it. So that’s fun.

macencheeze

So from now on, I will be practicing safe sex and will always use a condom.

macencheeze

Yeah, so about that...

From now on, I will be using condoms and practicing safe sex.

So from now on, I will be practicing safe sex and will always use a condom.

On the plus side, I’m on the cusp of 40lbs lost from minimal diet change and working my ass off going to the gym twice a day Mon-Thurs, once Friday and maybe Saturday or Sunday.

Also, I had sex with this one girl two weeks ago and that was pretty dope. She texted me the next day “I think you bruised my uterus”

I have a date with another girl Saturday and she already knows what I’m about. So we’re going to have sex as well. She might be a every other week fwb. It would be weekly but she lives almost an hour away. Houston is an hour away from houston. Damn this big ass city!! 😡😡

I had sex tonight with someone. She hasn’t slept with anyone in 2 years. So I, as I like to put it, busted the seal on her pussy. She asked me to come over because she had an awful dinner with her ex-bf. They fairly recently broke up.

It was good. But, we don’t have the same chemistry that amber and I have. I’m not going to say making out with this girl is terrible, but mine and amber’s mouths just fit perfectly and the kissing is great. I would totally have a junior high make out session with her.

Oh well, I’ll just keep having sex with this girl for a bit and then other girls too because I’m going on a massive widhoe phase again. Which is something I don’t need. But whatevs.

I’ve been doing awful mentally. Had a huge blow up Saturday. I’m not doing well.

I wanted to microdose mushrooms to feel better because I’ve done a lot of reading about how it can help with anxiety and depression. When I first started, amber and I were together still and it was working. She ended things with me and now they’re not working at all. So I’ve give them up and started taking my lexapro like I was supposed to do two weeks ago.

I have therapy Friday. I can’t wait for that. I’m such a fucking mess right now that I feel like I’m not going to get through this. I’m barely treading water. I’m going to sink soon if things down get any better.

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You may call me Macthaniel