Fishblr

My *actual* thoughts, feelings, creations, and just things I like or feel are worth sharing.

[thehappysmiler]

[thehappysmiler]

[machafish]

Life update time, I suppose. I just haven't had the timer spoons to really do much on the internet aside from rot, I suppose.

Poverty, lack of healthcare, disowned by what's left of my family, now losing my eyesight, got evicted, managed to claw my way into an apartment that we won't be able to afford for long probably. Yeah. Not quite dead yet. Working on it. =-_-=

Honestly, haven't really had any time for any sort of hobby or outlet. I pretty much given up on myself. I mean, what's the point if everyone else has given up on me? Exactly. Anyways, here's Wonderwall.

Can't help but dream of what could have been sometimes, If anyone had kept their word or even given me a chance. Aside from that, most of my dreams when I'm asleep are really just flashbacks....

[machafish]

I laughed until I had hiccups, and this is why.

You're welcome.

[machafish]

Autumn leaves, fallen onto the ground

She walks past, a whisper

Winter's winds dance by, the leaves blown away

She is gone, only silence and stillness remain

[machafish]

I don't know why I'm spilling my guts here. I know nobody really reads this, to be honest. But I've already gone mask off on Facebook, so fuck it.

My health has somehow gotten even worse. I'm ready for the end. I just want to stop fighting. I've already lost my family, my home, any shred of dignity, all hope.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no happy ending. Not for someone like me.

My partner busts his ass at a dead-end fast food job and I hardly see him. Which means he's not able to take care of me. The specialized caregiving that I need in order to have a semblance of quality of life? It's not going to happen. I'm probably going to have a lethal fall in my apartment and die in a pile of my own making. I probably won't be discovered for hours. This is assuming I don't have a Widowmaker heart attack completely at random because my psychiatric medication that keeps me from becoming suicidal is upping my cholesterol and blood glucose despite the fact that I'm practically starving myself at this point because of finances and social pressure.

I don't want to be here anymore. I don't have a reason to keep it up. I was dumb enough to have hopes and dreams. I was a fucking idiot.

The only reason I haven't ended it, is because I need to keep a pulse as long as possible so my checks keep coming in so hopefully I can leave something behind for my partner and my cats.

Because I don't have anyone else anymore.

Deep down I know I'm a horrible fucking person and I deserve everything that has happened to me and that is going to happen to me. I know there are people on the internet that want me dead. Rightfully so. And I hope they have fun celebrating when that day comes.

I tried to live by the principles and morality instilled into me by my mother from a very early age, but I ended up becoming an awful excuse of human excrement in the end.

I'm not too worried about being bullied anymore at this point. Because nobody will ever ever hate me as much as I hate myself. I can promise that much.

Mom, I'm so sorry it turned out like this. I know it wasn't supposed to be this way. I should have been the first to go. I'm so sorry.

Just wait for me a little longer, okay? I know I probably don't have that much longer if I keep this up. But I don't know how to stop. I just want Chris to have a better future, in a better chance than what I had. I know it's not your fault. It's not your fault I got sick. Just wait for me a little while longer, okay? I love you Mommy.

Sorry for getting that off of my chest. I'll be back to my regular schizo-shitposting soon enough I guess? I don't think anyone actually cares on this platform about me as a person. And that's okay. It's best that nobody else gets attached, because I won't be here much longer. I can at least take comfort in that.

[roselalonde]

conversations with my sisters cat

[machafish]

레이디스 코드 - KISS KISS

말해봤자 표현 안 되는걸(OH GIRL!)

마치 달콤한 BERRY 같은걸(그럴 걸)

내 맘을 녹여버려

몰라 아직 난 어려

그래도 머릿속은 (OH KISS!)

부끄 부끄러워 눈 못 떴어(OH OH!)

전기에 감전된 기분이었어(그럴 걸)

짜릿한 기분 좋아 딱 거기 까진 좋아

자꾸 이러면 난 어쩔 줄 몰라

오, 오! 오, 오! (KISS KISS) KISS!

오, 오! 오, 오! (KISS KISS)

아직 난 안돼요 아직 난 안돼요

아직 난 아직 난

KISS KISS KISS KISS

오, 오! 오, 오! (KISS KISS) KISS!

오, 오! 오, 오! (KISS KISS)

더 이상 안돼요 이러면 안돼요

아직도 아직도

KISS KISS KISS KISS

너무 갑자기 다가왔어 준비가 안됐어

그래 니가 바로 봤어 난 경험이 없어

왜 자꾸 날 데려가? 어둔 이곳을 나가!

솔직히 말해 너 입 냄새 좀 나!

난 아직 모르지 그 기분 모르지

언니들 얘기만 들어도 막 떨리지

어쩔 수 없지 뭐

난 오늘밤 꿈에서 난

원빈 오빠가 나타나 줄 텐데

오, 오! 오, 오! (KISS KISS) KISS!

오, 오! 오, 오! (KISS KISS)

아직 난 안돼요 아직 난 안돼요

아직 난 아직 난

KISS KISS KISS KISS

오, 오! 오, 오! (KISS KISS) KISS!

오, 오! 오, 오! (KISS KISS)

더 이상 안돼요 이러면 안돼요

아직도 아직도

KISS KISS KISS KISS

잠깐만 좀 기다려줘 (Wait a minute)

Oh! Wait a minute

가슴으로 날 아껴줘 Because of your love

오, 오! 오, 오! (KISS KISS) KISS!

오, 오! 오, 오! (KISS KISS)

아직 난 안돼요 아직 난 안돼요

아직 난 아직 난

KISS KISS KISS KISS

오, 오! 오, 오! (KISS KISS) KISS!

오, 오! 오, 오! (KISS KISS)

더 이상 안돼요 이러면 안돼요

아직도 아직도

KISS KISS KISS KISS

Fun fact: I've been a Lavely since Ladies' Code's debut in 2013.

They are by far my most favorite girl group, and I wanted to show them a little love, along with visual snippets of my favorite song of theirs they've ever released as the original five member lineup.

레이디스 코드, 화이팅!

[machafish]

Just a few things I thought were interesting that I came across while shopping and running errands the other day. 🤍

[machafish]

Photo dump of some of my auntie's kitties. Enjoy!

[glitchinginthegarden]

i already lost the original post but it possessed me the instant i saw it edit: original

[machafish]

LMFAOOOOO!

[machafish]

Alright, some of you encouraged me, and I grew the balls to finally do it. I just hope I don't regret this. Seriously.

I went ahead and published "Bird With Broken Wings" wings on AO3.

Link to the poem, including the artistic visual rendition:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/66317668

Regarding the title of the poem, it may not be exactly obvious at first. But I will happily explain it.

Essentially I am, metaphorically speaking, a bird. But I am trapped in a sometimes golden cage, but a cage nonetheless. I have grown my own wings, I have spread them and attempted to fly, but they were clipped and broken irreparably. With broken wings, I cannot soar and obtain any dreams or goals for myself. Hence the title you see. I am trapped in the cage, and even if the door to it was ever unlocked and opened, I cannot fly away.

If you don't mind, please leave kudos if you enjoy it. But please don't leave any negative comments. I was very hesitant to share this to a wider audience, because somebody literally laughed at it a while back. This is deeply personal to me and probably the most profound thing I've ever written, and posted onto the internet.

Also a huge thank you to everyone who has been encouraging me to continue writing, even if I don't publish almost any of it online. Due to my deteriorating health and current life circumstances, I don't have much in the way of outlets, emotionally or otherwise. This is also a big step in trying to overcome my own fears and anxieties, so I kind of feel like I need to validate myself a bit only on that front.

Goes without saying, this is dedicated more than anything, to the loving memory of my mother, Sherry.

She truly was and still is the most beautiful woman in the entire world, inside and out.

I love you, Mom.

[warden-anders]

okay but i love that you cant get the secret good ending if you coddle johnny. you have to go "you fucked up, dude, and it might have ruined whatever friendship we were genuinely building. you dont get to do these things with no consequences." for him to actually change. it changes some later lines, too. like if you dont be straight with him then later, after the kerry gig, hes a fucking asshole about it, and implies that he's gonna try and control your body again if the urge takes him. but if you had that talk where you yell at him for a bit, then he's worried about you, and regrets agreeing to the concert because he's noticed that youre getting sicker. i just... i love that enabling him isnt the answer.

[machafish]

What I commented:

Got to be honest here. I actually appreciate this.

Personally, in one aspect I am of the same mind as Johnny. When I do something wrong, when I'm in the wrong, I appreciate being called out on my bullshit. That's how I change and grow as a person, in general.

If you're going to be a kiss-ass and a doormat, well, he's going to walk on you like the doormat you metaphorically are.

The conversation you have with Johnny in the oil fields is a huge character development moment, that I feel some people in the fandom don't get. No shade, no hate, but it's a little deeper than just picking the correct choices for the "secret ending".

I appreciate this style of writing and storytelling narrative from CDPR. I do wish that there had been a few more conversations at certain points of the story like this to show that your words truly do have consequences, not unlike your actions or inactions during the main story.

I also like how without a guide or spoilers, there isn't really a hint to a right or wrong answer.

Unlocking Don't Fear the Reaper aside, depending on your play-style and how you are role-playing, there isn't necessarily a right or wrong answer. It all depends. And if you are going for something specific like the aforementioned ending, then you learn your lesson if you pick the "incorrect" responses.

Live and learn, or rather, I suppose, play and learn.

Thank you for this post, got the good old gears turning in my head for a bit. Have a great week, fellow cyberpunk. 💖

[fascinationstreetmp3]

And here we are, going down, down, down the rabbit-hole into the heart of darkness.

[machafish]

*solemn nodding*

Pondsmith himself even said that the cyberpunk universe isn't about being the hero or whatever, but just trying to save yourself. I get it. I really do.

Silverhand again making a good point.

[machafish]

More characters from Cyberpunk 2077 and Phantom Liberty.

Still more to come...

[machafish]

A little edit I did. Just kind of resonated with me, you know? Not for the same reasons the song was written, but still.

Song: "So Heavy I Fell Through the Earth" by Grimes

I've had this and the instrumental on repeat for the last week or so. 💙

[machafish]

Just a few pieces of the past. A reminder of what I once had, and forever lost. That I can never go back to.

I know things will never be the same. I will never again have that stability, comfort, and love, that I so desperately crave. My old life is gone forever, and there's not much to pick from the ashes.

This is existence now. I know my future will be quite bleak. But there's no point in trying to fight things you can't change.