Mac Óda

Cody // 12-11-96 \\ sXe

[macoda]

9:08 PM || 01/22/18

I haven’t written on this blog in a little over a year, and I don’t really have a solid reason as to why I stopped. I think that writing out my thoughts has always helped me kind of gather myself. And writing helps me out a lot with self-reflection when looking back at where I was and am now. I’m still in school full-time at Clark College, and should be for a few more quarters. I will then transfer to WSU-V, and pursue the DTA program I’m interested in. I think I want to do social media marketing, but we’ll see where it goes. For a little over a year now, I’ve been dating my girlfriend Marissa. We got to meet earlier in the month, and it was incredible. I’ve never been so happy and comfortable with someone, it’s kind of crazy how well our personalities match together. Her and I don’t have a lot of things in common, but it doesn’t really matter when we work so well. Opposites attract, I suppose. Right now I’m on my second week working my first ever sales job at T-Mobile. I’m not sure I have a conclusive opinion about the job right now, so we’ll see how that goes. It’s my first job since I quit Charter Communications back in October, as I just couldn’t handle the stress behind a call center job.  Personally? I’m still friends with my small online group. Allen, Leroy, Cloud, Harry and Elias. Then I have my friends from La Center High School, and we’ve got our own Discord going where we often game together and do dinner meetups and such. I don’t really have any friends that I do personal socialization with anymore, but I think that it’s okay because I’ve got my girlfriend and she keeps me healthy mentally. I’ve concluded that I hate the phrase, ‘New Years Resolutions’. I like to think of ‘New Years Goals’. So far, these are mine: - Continue buying fun socks. - Read more books. - Lose some weight. - Be more self-aware. I don’t think I have anything else to write. There are a lot of friends that I used to have and have fallen out from, but I guess that’s what being an adult kind of does to people. Oh, I’m also 21 now. No, I didn’t drink on my birthday or at all. I considered trying wine at Christmas with my family, but decided against it.

[macoda]

QUOTE DUMP

Sometimes you realize you had a thing keeping you going. When you actually really understand that the whole thing might've been a lie the whole time; it's like you've swallowed a stone.

I get these moments when I have to lie down, because everything feels sort of too much. I look up and see the blue or the grey or the black, and I feel myself melting into it. For like a split second, I feel free and happy.

That was the day I learned that silence is really loud. Deafening. When you have silence, it's hard to keep stuff out. It's all there, and you can't get rid of it.

It's like we're at the edge of the world, like we're safe. Only were not.

I'm bad at apologizing to people, but sometimes I know I should.

She made me feel things, and I didn't like it at all.

It’s strange. A lot of the time you don’t register the important moments as they happen. You only see that they were important when you look back.

As a rule, I didn't dance. But it was hard to say no to her.

People can't be answers, they're just more questions.

Sometimes, I just let things happen. Even though I didn’t want them to. I’m not sure why.

Sometimes, everything is suddenly really simple. It’s like everything shifts in a moment. And you step out of your body, out of your life. You step out and you see where you are really clearly. You see yourself. And you think… Fuck. This. Shit.

To be mad in a deranged world is not madness; it's sanity.

Some people get embarrassed dancing. I don’t. I think it’s when I feel most myself. I get embarrassed talking. Well, after talking. When I realize I’ve said something stupid.

[macoda]

9:08 PM || 10/09/16

I’m doing okay.

[macoda]

1:05 AM || 09/23/16

I’m currently sitting at my computer, where I will be sleeping in later than usual because I only have one class that I attend on Friday’s. Where is my computer? In my brand new condo with my two brothers, Allen and Ian. We finally moved out, and I’ve been going through the moving process and learning what adulting feels like. This weekend I’m focusing on getting things at home sorted, as well as other stuff. I need my life to be relaxed so I can focus on just school and my future job so I can pay the bills. School at my college began on the 19th. Since then, I’ve been running into all my old friends from Spring quarter and even before then. People like Emily, Gloria, Zach, Jonathan, Emily #2, Raeann, the list could go on. I also saw Eva from my work, which I thought it would be a lot longer before I’d run into her. So far are my classes pretty basic so far, and feels just like how college normally does. We haven’t really delved into digital photography much yet, that’ll be next week. Math still sucks. Art in the 20th Century is an interesting course. Speaking of “Art in the 20th Century,” a girl that I began talking to before summer even started began going to Clark this quarter. We spoke about it before, and we even were supposed to meet for coffee during the summer. That never happened, which it’s mainly my fault. She messaged me today (09/22), asking how long I’d be around on campus. She told me she finished class at 4:50, and well, we met up on campus at 5:00. I think it was a mistake for me to delay meeting her. I had a lot of poor excuses to myself. I didn’t want to drive out to Vancouver, the whole concept made me anxious, I just didn’t feel comfortable doing it. Despite being interested in her, because she’s really into art and has worked with both digital and film photography. We hungout for almost two hours, talking about the college, art, and other things. She’s short, well-dressed, and has such a cute laugh and smile. Hoping to meet up with her more often, as we have a lot in common. I’d like to go out on a photography shoot with her. Hoping for the best, with everything in my life right now. I need to grow. Off to bed now for school in the morning.

[macoda]

4:40 AM || 09/01/16

I’ve gone nearly a month without writing. I think that’s a little crazy, to begin with. I’m not sure if I should consider this a good or a bad thing. Since August, a lot has changed. I’m no longer working at Carl’s Jr. On August 28th, that was my last day of work. I put in my two weeks so I could have part of the summer free to myself, and to get myself situated with everything before I go back to school. As a going away gift, all of my friends there put together a poster for me. They told me they would miss me, and I received many hugs. If it wasn’t for my pride, I’d have been in tears. Such a silly thing too, all I was doing was quitting my job. However, I knew I was leaving behind seeing those people and having a good time for so many hours within a day. In the middle of August, I prepared a meetup between Eben, Kenny and I. We all have been friends for so long, and we always had this tradition to go to the Clark County fair together. We hadn’t gone together in years. So I messaged them both, and we planned it out. We ended up meeting at the bus and going there. We had a controversial experience, mainly because both Eben and I got sick early on. In the end, we ended up having a lot of fun. Not only was it enjoyable to be having fun in the summer, but it was nice to be together again with old friends. We also ran into many friends from high school, including Hazen and Sophia. At Clark, I will be taking three classes at 13 credits. I will be taking Digital Photography, Art History, and my final Math class there. Normally I’d push for 15 credits or even more, but I’m limiting my workload and hours in the classroom because... Somewhere around August, Ian had begun talking to both Allen and I about moving in together. We didn’t think much of it other than a potential opportunity. Well, our minds quickly changed when something crazy happened. Kyle. The brother with aspergers sydrome who lives with us had a freakout while Allen’s parents were gone. In the process, he broke his phone into the floor, put a dent in the wall, and was screaming off the top of his lungs. Due to this behavior, we felt very uncomfortable being there. While I was at work, I got a call from Ian saying that he had picked up Allen and that he’d be staying with him for a couple days. The invitation was extended to me, and I accepted. During this time staying with Ian, we finally got the cold harsh reality of who we had been living with. We always knew Kyle was a problem, and this wasn’t the first time he had an outburst. When we returned home when both Allen’s parents got home, within a few hours, Kyle had another outburst. This time, it was directed at every single one of us. The police were called, and they showed up to the place. We were questioned by police officers. Honestly, I had flashbacks of living with my mother. Personally, this ‘potential opportunity’ Ian had offered became much more serious to me. Allen followed suite as well. We’ve been working closely with Ian to find a potential place for us three to share. Well, we recently found a three bedroom condo in a townhouse with two and a half bathrooms. As soon we toured the place, we went to Ian’s work as guests to use the computers there to put in our applications. As of yesterday, I signed my agreement onto the condo. On Friday, we will be making the safe deposit and our first monthly payment. On Saturday, we will officially be renting that condo. I’m absolutely terrified of this change. I will have to juggle school and work. Which, I’m still in the process of applying to places like Walmart and Glenwood Living Place. I truly hope that Glenwood hires me, because I believe I’d enjoy working there, and it would be the best for me. If everything works out as planned, this will be one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. To be living with Allen and Ian, my two brothers, away from stress. Responsible for myself. Completely independent. I speak so confidently about changing myself and who I am. Maybe the first step is moving away from a town I’ve lived in for fourteen years. A place where I’ve been dependent and scared all my life. Now I can move away with independence.

[macoda]

4:34 AM || 08/04/16

Time for a fairly large update, which will just involve writing wildly. I sat down and talked to both Dale and Nancy about getting the new phone, and they both thought it was a good idea. Dale went to Costco in Oregon to avoid sales tax, and he went through the whole process for me. I got the Samsung Galaxy S7, which is admittedly one of the best phones out of there. It’s quite expensive, but I’m making monthly payments, and I think it’s something that I deserve. I was using my ex’s iPhone 4s for a very long time, and the battery in it was becoming very ineffective. Laggy response times, slow charging, app crashes. I was getting very stressed out from it. Not to mention, I had to rely on WiFi and didn’t have the ability to text or make phone calls. Moving on from that tid-bit, things at work have changed a little bit. I’m still working at Carl’s Jr, and I’m currently contemplating on when I should put in my two weeks notice. This is because I need to leave this job at a point where I can have time to focus on myself. There’s some things I need to get setup, like new glasses, medical insurance, a dental checkup, financial aid, checking in with a college adviser, etc. As for Decklyn, she promised to FaceTime me on Monday, and she bailed on me completely. She apologized, saying she got drunk with her family. The thing is, she kept bailing on me, and we got into an argument. I haven’t heard from her for a few days. I plan on messaging her today, after I get some sleep. Not really sure if she’s worth getting all stressed out over. I’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately, which is very unusual for me. I typically don’t have dreams, since I moved, and I’m wondering if the stress from work is getting to me subconsciously. A lot of my nightmares have had to do with driving, and a few of them about ex girlfriends. Which I think it’s weird, because I don’t think about either of those things much at all. Driving doesn’t stress me out, and I’m over my ex girlfriends. I have been waking up often swinging my arms in a certain direction, like I’m pulling the steering wheel out of something’s way. It’s scary. Other little tidbits... I’m proud of how I’ve changed and progressed as a person lately. I don’t give myself credit often enough. When I try to do, I begin doubting if I should be proud of myself yet. Like, there’s still a lot I need to do about myself. Should I be celebrating with small victories? I don’t really know. I think my personality has grown a lot, and I’m seeing the world a lot differently. My appearance and general attitude is changing a lot. I’m getting out there more, and I think it’s great to finally feel like I’m “adulting”. I’ve always been held back on moving forward in my life, and finally getting to a point where I feel... normal. Like at 16, under normal circumstances, I could’ve been working and driving a car. I’m just now getting there, but I feel like I’m catching up fast. Another recent string of thoughts is if I should change my sense of fashion. Right now, I just feel like spotting band t-shirts and shirts of interest (such as Star Wars, Olan Rogers Apparel, WWE, etc) with jackets over the shirts. People have always known me for my spontaneous fashion. In high school, I dressed very “out there” and “formal”. I wore vests and dress shirts often, as well spotting bow ties. Then my fashion sense changed to patterned dress shirts. Now I just feel like becoming even more casual, yet maintaining some matter of being formal with nice jackets. I’ll see where it goes. I just imagine dressing in band shirts, a leather jacket (or pea coat or w/e), slim pants and a nice pair of Converse or Vans. I also was trying to branch out to wearing more color, but I think I want to stick with dark colors. Specifically, black, grey and brown. My hair is also getting very long again, I really dislike how fast my hair grows. When I last went to my hairdresser, I told her I wanted the sides and back of my hair tapered very short. This is because I don’t like how my curls, in those areas, stick out. I don’t mind when the curls on the top of my head do what they want, but anywhere else is a no-no. She did a great job of doing what I asked for, but I think I want to go even shorter. I wasn’t sure if I’d want to shave the sides and back -- doing an undercut. I think it’s a huge risk, because I’m not sure how good the haircut would look on me. I like the hairstyle, but I’m not sure if I can pull it off. If I could, then I can’t imagine changing it to anything else. It’s essentially the perfect haircut for my interests. I’ll have to just wing it and try the haircut next time I go.  Also whenever I get home from work, I stay up until like 4:00 AM to as late as even 7:00 AM. I think it’s crazy. I need to start going to bed earlier, because waking up in the afternoon and then heading straight to work sucks.

[macoda]

1:43 AM

My attitude towards my work has dramatically changed since a new shift leader was brought into our building. He is out to get me in major trouble, and I have absolutely no doubts about it. I’m going to be sending in resumes to Walmart and Starbucks tomorrow morning. As much as I love my other co-workers, this new shift leader is making the job a terrible experience for me. Our particular building is already very busy constantly, and I know I’m working harder than a lot of other minimum wage job locations with less than hours than I was hired for. It’s just not okay.

[macoda]

2:13 AM

Currently listening to “1978″ by Flamingosis. One of my greatest discoveries in music was this band, creating very old and modern mash-ups of groovy music. Really suits my tastes. After three days off, I finally worked today from 5:00 to 12:00ish. The day was very slow, and I wasn’t happy to find out even more of my hours were cut this week. I wish my boss would stick to a single schedule for everyone, stop changing everyone’s hours, and especially cutting people’s hours. Eva worked almost just as long as I did, and the shift leaders wouldn’t give her a lunch break. She got really upset about it, and I wasn’t happy to see her upset. I made an effort to cheer her up, and I got her laughing, so I’d call that a success. As she was walking out the door, she told me, “Cody you’re not supposed to make me laugh, I’m trying to be angry.” And I told her, “I don’t like seeing you mad. You’re only supposed to be jokingly mad.” She laughed again and told me to have a good night, and I told her the same. While I didn’t change the situation, I think I made the right move to try to cheer her up. The little things matter. I’m very excited to further things with Decklyn. She gets home on Friday, and we’ve planned to FaceTime when we get the opportunity. She’s a pretty cool gal. I’ve also been looking into buying a new cellphone and also getting myself a phone service plan with Verizon. Not sure if I’ll go through with it anytime soon, as much as I’d like to. Going to sit down with the parents first and figure out what they think.

[macoda]

1:00 AM

Dare I say it, I’ve met a girl from Canada. Yes, that place I always joke about. Any of my friends would know I trash that country every chance I get. There’s a lady that I’ve been talking to for awhile now, her name is Decklyn. Our conversations have been pretty normal, and with my recent mindset, I didn’t want to make anything more of it. However, I can’t deny things that just... happen. She’s a real good catch, not sure how I managed to pull it off. I’m still learning about her though, so I’m not going to go in full clutch and say she’s absolutely great. She’s just interesting, and is much different than the others. A very motivated, educated and confident woman. Which is what I’ve been looking for, after being so stupid and dating young girls who aren’t at a level of maturity that I’ve been wanting. For example, she straight told me that we’d meet, and that it will happen. No “ifs” or “buts” or any excuses. She told me she met a friend of hers that lived 13 hours away within six months, and since she really likes me, it’ll even be sooner with her. I can’t help but be happy, it always feels good to have a connection. I surely was feeling down when things with Kelli crumbled. If things with Decklyn don’t work out, I’m officially done with long distance. Mark my words. And, well, here’s a picture of her with her cat. Cute, isn’t it?

[macoda]

4:46 AM

Currently listening to “Fuck Yourself” and then “The Sound (Cover)” both by Halsey. I went ahead and listened to most of her Badlands album. I think I’m behind it, she reminds me a lot of Beyoncé from her latest album Lemonade. I should’ve gone to bed earlier, because my friend Bradley will be coming to hangout with me for the day. We both have the day off from work, so why not?  Work yesterday (07/17/16) was crazy. They had me on drive-through from 5:00 to 8:56, and I felt like I was going to go crazy. There were a lot of orders, and many of them were large. Some people weren’t doing their jobs, and I was very stressed out. At one point, my hands were actually shaking. But I persevered, and my co-workers told me that I did a great job. I’m becoming more comfortable with work. After the dinner rush, all of us were having fun. Lots of dancing and singing along with the songs, ironically, with the terrible radio that loops itself every day at work. I’m trying desperately to change who I am. I’ve always wanted to transform from this awkward and shy person with a gritty attitude with subtle sarcastic comments into something different. At times, I just completely forget about my insecurities and become the person that I want to be. That person is still an introvert, but with extroverted outbursts. I don’t really know how to describe it. I want to be relaxed and fun, care-free, more outgoing, yet aware of who I am inside as an introvert. Dale once told me that it’s easy to be who we are that’s most comfortable. Do I want to be the person I’m most comfortable being, or make myself suffer to finally break out of my shell and become the person I want to be? It’s really confusing.

[macoda]

3:14 AM

Currently listening to “I’m Everywhere” by TeknoAXE and will be following up with “1960 What (Opolopo Kick & Bass Rerub)” by Gregory Porter.  I feel like it’s very repetitive to just keep writing about work, especially since not much has changed. Busy days, my hours are getting cut, but I don’t really care too much. I’m still getting along great with my co-workers, good laughs and times with them. Hugged my shift leader today because she was upset from being so sick lately, and a customer hugged me today for making her such a good milkshake. Feels good to be there for people. I really enjoy working with Eva, she’s really great. It’s unfortunate that she’s quite younger than I am and our opinions on a lot of things (politics and what’s morally right or wrong) are completely opposite. If things were different, I would consider trying to date her. She’s a great gal. Going to have stick to being friends though, and she’s a great friend. I went to Clark College a few days ago and picked up my photography project. I had a hassle trying to get all of my pictures scanned, but the main librarian support person pulled through for me and I was able to get all the pictures scanned. I came home and edited them, and I’ve been posting them (one picture a day.) So far, the statistics on the feedback I’ve received have been great. My collage introductory picture that I shared on Facebook to announce the project hit 28 “Likes” and 1 “Love”. Following that day, I posted the first narrated picture, which hit 38 “Likes” and 13 “Loves” with 11 comments with very nice, well-written statements that were enjoyable to read. That first picture hit 46 “Likes” on my Instagram. As for the second picture, I received 14 “Likes” and 3 “Loves” on Facebook. As for Instagram, the picture hit 41 “Likes”. I still have eight more pictures to share, and they progressively become better as the story continues to write itself. I’m very happy with the feedback thus far, and the stress and work that went into the project has certainly paid off. While I only got an 88/100 on the project (that’s the grade I gave myself too), my professor loved it (he wrote very nice personal comments to me on my rubric.) So, I’m not going to complain. Today (07/16/16) is my day off. I’m going to enjoy myself.

[macoda]

3:51 AM

Yesterday at work (07/10) I got really sick, I don’t really know what happened. Conveniently, my shift leaders had to send people home early and I got to leave early (about an hour after I began to feel sick.) I was feeling stomach pains, and overall I didn’t feel good. Today (07/11) was a lot better. I didn’t feel very sick, and I took some 24 hour medication to calm my stomach. While at work, being under a workload kept my mind busy and I was able to recover and get my job done.  I’ll be covering my friend/co-worker Warren’s shift tomorrow from 4:00 PM to 1:00 AM, which I don’t necessarily mind. I’ll be working with my favorite people, and I’ll be doing him a favor. I’m going to bring my camera to work tomorrow, and hopefully get some cool shots. I think it’d be nice to shoot some portraits of the people I now consider friends from work. People that come to mind are Jack, Ava, Warren, Emily, Carla, Charlie (she’s been cool lately). There are more people I work with that are pretty alright, but I can’t imagine they’d want to be photographed. My day off will be on Wednesday instead. I need to pickup my film photography project from my college still, so I plan to do that on my day off. I’ll be uploading each piece on Instagram, once a day, with a total of eleven pictures (ten for the project, one to tease the project beforehand.) Regular titles and a story behind each picture and the person(s) photographed. I think it’ll be really enjoyable, and I’m excited to share with the people who follow my photography the family that took me in and made my dreams a reality. If I had to write anything about anything else, Kelli messaged me while at work and our conversation basically went like this: Kelli: “Are we done speaking?” Me: “I don’t know.” Kelli: “It’s your choice.” Me: “I believe so, yes. What you did wasn’t okay.” Kelli: “I understand.” Me: “Alright.” Kelli: “Take care.” Me: “Yup, you too.” We had stopped talking after we came into a disagreement involving our relationship, whatever it even was. I was bothered by what she did for a few days, but after that I stopped caring. I’ve become A LOT less sensitive with what people do to me (obviously depending on what they do.) People go, some people stay, I don’t have the time or the energy to get all wrapped up in emotions over these things anymore. I felt like I gave her room in the conversation to express her feelings, but it seemed like she had nothing to say. Which is weird, since she went out of her way to message me to clarify if we were still going to speak. In my mind, that seems like she’s saying: “Hey, can we still talk, but if you don’t want to, I get it.” Would’ve been interesting to see her plead a case, but it is what is. She made her choice, and I’m going to keep living life. I’ve been meeting a lot of people lately, and I can tell that people will replace others quite easily if they leave anyways. A lot of people I once cared for, I don’t give a shit for anymore.

[macoda]

4:09 AM

My work cut my hours on Thursday, and then they had me only work five hours instead on Friday. Honestly, I didn’t mind too much, it was just frustrating to drive there on both days and receive the disappointing news. My favorite shift leader, Carla, told me how much she appreciates my work ethic tonight. She said that I make her job a lot easier, and that I’m always doing well. That felt really good, because I’ve been working very hard and yet I don’t consider myself above anyone. I feel like I work just the same as everyone else. However, that’s not the case apparently, so it’s nice to be appreciated for my extra effort. Tonight’s thoughts while driving home consisted of how I want to spend my free time during the summer. Should I stay at home and relax, simply gaming and watching YouTube videos? Or should I go out, contact some friends, and spend time with them? For example, I thought of messaging my friend Emily from Photography I and seeing if she’d ever want to meetup this summer. Like, why not? It’s not something I typically do, and I feel getting out of my comfort zone and getting away from the Internet for a day would be good for me. While watching a video earlier, the Japanese word “otaku” came up. The described as: “Otaku is extremely negative in meaning as it is used to refer to someone who stays at home all the time and doesn't have a life (no social life, no love life, etc.) Usually an otaku person has nothing better to do with their life so they pass the time by watching anime, playing video games, surfing the internet (otaku is also used to refer to a nerd/hacker/programmer). Do I not have anything better to do? Should I be ashamed of my hobby? I feel like I have a small social circle, but I’ve always had a persistent love life with a few months in-between each relationship. Things to think about.  Currently debating if I should go to bed or just stay awake. Today is my day off from work.

[macoda]

3:42 AM

Well, it’s been long overdue. Yesterday was my day off, and I finally decided to update my personal blog. Which, that’s not even something I’ve done for my main blog in a very long time. I guess that shows how much more I care about this particular blog. I went ahead and changed the theme, although I stood by and kept the same visual presentation that it had before. I changed the song from “Narita” by Lymbyc Systym to “Light of the Seven” by Ramin Djawadi. I may change it back, I’m not certain yet. I changed my URL, as “codythebishop” wasn’t a name I felt appropriate to go by anymore. Obviously, creativity was lacking but inspiration stemmed from my name and my passion at the time; playing chess (my favorite piece is the bishop.) Now I’m “macoda”, which is  Mac Óda, the Gaelic translation of the name Cody. I’ve been using Óda for a few months now as I jumpstarted my photography alias, Prince Óda.  I also added more layers to my blog, meaning I added a few pages. One is an introductory sort of page, one is pictures of me, and the other is a collection of my favorite quotes. I might expand on these layers. For now, that’s all it is. Everything else is staying the same.

[macoda]

5:06 AM

Being awake this early in the morning and asleep during the beginning of the afternoon has become completely normal for me. My body feels unproductive and drained, and I kind of just kill hours because my brain is tired but I don’t feel like sleeping because my body is physically awake. Work is still great, all my co-workers love me. They get excited to see me come in, because they know I’ll do my job. I imagine they enjoy having me around, given I’ve gotten close with enough of them to joke around and have fun while working. Eva, Jack, Emily, and Carla are noteworthy mentions. Since I last wrote, nothing has changed. I’m still feeling 50/50 about working during the summer, and how my time is being spent when not working. Having my body constantly under stress, and my mind often occupied. Not being able to have the time to do simple things like clean up my bedroom, or go out with my camera and take pictures for fun. Eva and I joke around about our lives being disasters, but I don’t think I can say I’m joking around about it anymore when I sit back and realize my life is a mess at the moment. I’m not really sure what I’m doing with myself. I lost a good friend yesterday, her name was Kelli. I’ve wrote about her a few times on my blog here. In quick summary, we met online and have had a strange relationship for a good few months. We’ve been very close, and also intimate, but we never really opened up to anything more than that. We weren’t using each other, but neither of us made an effort to go beyond with what we had already. We were comfortable. Her and I broke off our friendship, or whatever we had, while I was still waking up yesterday as I responded to her good morning message. She’s beginning to date around, and I can’t be around her if she’s going to be doing that. It was bound to happen, and honestly is my fault for never figuring out what her and I were. A friend of mine says that Kelli wronged me for choosing to date and break, quote, “how close you and her were”. Reality is, Kelli can choose to do whatever she wants. I just don’t want any part of it. I’ll move on and meet new people. I work today (4th of July), which honestly kind of sucks because I wish I had the time to have maybe set something up with someone to go watch fireworks. And if not, I would’ve drove into town to sit back and watch the fireworks myself and just think about life. Instead, I’ll be standing behind a register taking orders. Can’t say I’m excited. I understand working rewards me with money, but how much is money worth when it takes away from the other treasures of life? Work is apart of society, I get that, people need to contribute and also make a living to survive. However, I’m not currently in a stage of life where I need to “survive”. I don’t know. It’s not all so bad, I just have to get used to it I guess. 

[macoda]

3:52 AM

Just sitting here listening to The 1975 and I’m not sure how I feel about life right now. My coworkers love me, Allen’s surgery went successful, I have great friends, I feel productive. But at the same time, I feel the opposite way about everything. I feel like work is consuming my time this summer to go out and partake in photography, spend time with friends, work on myself. I don’t know. I feel happy and not happy at the same time. Not sure if that makes sense.

[macoda]

2:02 AM

Went ahead and contacted all the friends I made in Small Group Communications and Photography I via e-mail to exchange contact information, many of them shared their Facebook’s with me so we could stay in contact. I really am glad to have met these people, as they became great friends. I’ve been working at Carl’s Jr. as a front counter and standard crew member, so I basically take any job that someone gives me to do while I’m working. Work has been stressful, but I just finished my fifth day today and I’m getting into the groove of things. I’ve been getting a lot of compliments from my co-workers about my work ethic, and they have taken a great liking to me. While I don’t necessarily enjoy having my summer consumed by work, making money and getting this experience is nice.