MaddSexyCool

"to know me is to love me…" — Roger Ebert … and to love ME is to love yourself unconditionally the person you are now and the great person you will become.

[maddsexycool]

Manipulative Bitch

It's simple. Love is a manipulative evil bitch. A bitch that tortures the mind and blinds the soul, leading you down a path slowly unfolding Deceit Betrayal Lust Confusion Pain Pleasure... The pleasure of love is a drug, intoxicated with hope of love so true. So deep, believing that you will by my king and I your queen, hand in hand, love binding our hearts from the start... foolish hearts. Tortured minds. Our love can't find it's truth. The truth of love isn't pleasure when I'm pained by the emptiness of your affection. A touch grown cold, love has no hold on this bitch. Confused from the start, realizing the evil in love, this bitch hides her soul. No love is true until revealed in truth.

8/10/2013

--------------------------------------

I completely forgot about writing this until I was reading a book earlier today and the second chapter started “Love is a manipulative bitch.” And I was like ummm hold up. I wrote something like that lol

I wrote this almost 3 years ago. Three years ago on August 10, my boyfriend of 6 years had just broken up with me 3 weeks earlier, and I had just found out that previous weekend that he had cheated on me two months prior.

You can say I was in a mood.

Rereading this now after almost 3 years to digest, analyze, dissect, recuperate, evaluate, and release our relationship, I can say that it all rings true. This writing was our relationship. And I clarify by saying relationship because our friendship was a much happier matter.... it’s true that some people should only be friends.

It’s just uncanny to me that this is what love was to me for 6 years.

It’s only been 3 years, I pray I don’t need another to learn to accept, offer, and trust in love again. <3

[maddsexycool]

just a little tipsy

I had an anxiety attack on the way to dinner and a movie.... alone. a lovely senior couple chatted with me at the bar. They were nice. They felt  sorry for my ass. Sitting at the bar alone. They never would have spoken to me unless this interracial couple wouldn’t have needed them to move over an sit next me... this 20 something black chick with this 50 something white dude. Really? really bish, really? I can’t. I will not.

I am sitting at the bar alone on valentines weekend, a week after I stop talking to a guy I’ve been dating for 3 months. Or maybe he stopped talking to me... I don’t know. It seems we both just didn’t bother to text each other again. Another story for another day. Oh and he’s white.

I bring this up but I must state that I don‘t care about race. I want someone to want me. To actually want ME. Not the ideal of me but me as I am. Me as I am Bridget Jones’ Diary. Me unapologetically.

I’ve dated black men most of my life and it always turns into a conversation of how weird and different I am and it’s okay because it’s cute. NO. Just no.

Since my last relationship almost 3 years ago with a black guy of african descent I’ve really only dated white guys, not on purpose though. but over time it’s become a preference. I’m attracted to both. But, only the white guys have been attracted to me because of me. The blacks guys... just want a good fuck. I hate to say that out loud but it’s the truth. Now don’t get me wrong there are some white guys that want a good fuck too but they actually wine and dine you for it. They are really patient.

It’s been a week since we stopped talking and I am relieved. I still have my NJ guy... he’s a white business man.... and the black guy that pops up every 3-4 months for the past few years to stroke my ego but won’t let me meet him in person, always an excuse. He’s a federal investigator... i.e. unavailable.

I don’t know where I”m going with this. I’m actually pretty drunk. Obviously pretty single. Not lonely though. Never lonely for some god awful reason. Ugh

My co-worker told me about a friend of her’s today. She thinks we may hit it off. Long story short... he’s a white guy (obviously), an only child with a trust fund and all I can think about is why would he want to go out with me. I’m a nobody.

That is all.

[maddsexycool]

#myevening

[maddsexycool]

But he's not. Womp.

[maddsexycool]

sundays suck

Sundays are the worst day of the week for me. As it is for most people. But Sunday isn’t a bad day for me emotionally because tomorrow is Monday and I have to go to work. My job is nothing important, I have no responsibilities at this point but to show up everyday. Truth be told, I’m not sure why I’m so blah on Sunday’s. I don’t want to do shit on Sunday’s. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to move from my bed on Sundays. And it’s worse when it’s 28degrees outside.

I just told my son to practice his trombone. He hasn’t practiced since Wednesday. I told him that it’s his responsibility to be motivated to practice to get better at playing and I was only going to remind him once. I set a timer to start practicing in one hour. The timer went off... two hours later I still don’t hear the deafening sound of my 11 yr old playing off key in the living room. I ask him why he hasn’t started practicing. He says he doesn’t feel like it. I think hmph, I don’t feel like doing a lot of shit today either but I don’t tell him that. I say well I understand that... Mommy needs to go to Walmart, right? He responds yes, we’re running out of food. I agree and tell him but I don’t feel like it. He laughs and says but I have to cause I’m his mom. I agree and remind him he has to practice because he’s a trombone player. He gets it.

I needed that reminder and lesson too. There’s so much shit I don’t feel like doing today, but I’m mom and I have to. I guess it’s time to get out of this bed and start adulting. I still hate this shit though.

[maddsexycool]

#readingisfundamental

[maddsexycool]

the pleasure is mine

A little nervous to ask but would you like to go see A Christmas Carol with me?“

I drew silent. Confused. Was I really being asked on a real date? Almost four months single, 3 bad choices in men and this guy is truly asking me out. Wow.

"Yea, sure. I’d love to go,” I replied trying to hide my enthusiasm. “Its been so long since I’ve been to the theater.” He started explaining it would be a double date since the tickets are his friends.

Bummer… but it’s still a date. He gets 5 cool points.

Jackson is not the type of guy I’ve dated previously. He’s tall, big brown eyes, a little more slender than I’d like and he’s white. Newly single after a roller coaster 6 year relationship… you tend to want to try new things… new people.

Jackson picks me up that following Friday and we go to a sushi restaurant in Uptown for dinner alone prior to the play.

Sushi. Not my favorite but I want him to like me, think I’m adventourous… that I like trying new and different things.

“Let’s order two rolls each and share. Okay with you?” Jackson asks. “Yes, that works for me. I have to admit I’m not a big sushi fan, usually stick to my California roll.” “Get what you like. I’ll select a few you can try out. If you don’t like them, then more for me,” he beamed. Always so sweet.

I have to say, the dragon roll was delicious. And our conversation was easy yet insightful.

I knew I’d like Jackson after a few run ins at the local Coffee House. We initially met playing kickball a few months ago with some mutual friends. A simple “Hi, my name is…” and a few words here and there. Then I received a message from him on an online dating site. Weird but it opened the door. We started chatting online, then exchanged numbers, now here we are on our first date. He’s different. It’s like he understands what I’m saying even when my words arent clear. And he’s tall… bonus points.

We finished our sushi and headed to the theater to meet up with his friends. The seats were great and the play exceeded expectation. Jackson stayed attentive, asking me if I was okay and holding my hand. I didn’t want the night to end.

It’s a brisk November night so we decided to walk over to a bar, no one wanting the evening to end. Over drinks and apps, we discussed books, hygiene, and flying. Jackson’s friend is a pilot and offered to take us up one day. Very cool.

“Did you enjoy yourself this evening?” Jackson asked as we were walking back to the car. The city offering a picturesque backdrop to an amazing evening.

“Definitely! I think this is the most memorable evening I’ve had in years. Thank you for inviting me,” I said probably too full of delight for a first date.

“The pleasure is mine,” he replied, kissing my forehead.

[maddsexycool]

#latergram #wildnight #beenrecovering #happynewyearfolks (at Grand Hotel in Historic Downtown McKinney TX)

[maddsexycool]

so I haven’t used this tumblr in forever, so I cleaned it up, deleted some shit, may delete more but I need an avenue to vent more thoroughly

[maddsexycool]

patience

I’m learning patience. I’m use to knowing how a guy feels about me after two dates… And most don’t even make it to a second date. He likes me. As a person. That much I can tell. Is he attracted to me? I have no fucking idea.

We’ve been on 4 dates in a month, kissed… No make out, just like 3-4 short pecks after dates 3 and 4… We politely hug, but he hasn’t tried to hold my hand. I’m learning patience.

I’m learning how to get to know someone over time. The mental before the physical confuses things.

I’m learning to show interest in someone other than myself and be willing to get my feelings hurt.

… Because that’s what I’m afraid of. I like him. He’s the type of guy I’ve prayed for and I don’t know if he likes me. I’m learning patience, I’m learning to open up, I’m learning again how to care for someone for the long term.

I’m not a patient person. I’m fucking scared. But I’m doing it for us.

Wish me luck

[maddsexycool]

I feel like I’m always settling. But do I want to loose good if great never comes along? And what if good turns out to be the greatest love ever?

[maddsexycool]

This jams 🎶🎶 #fosterthepeople #bestfriend #alternative #goodmusic

[maddsexycool]

Earlier. #pinot #popschampagne #chicago #memorialweekend #wine #thecity #loveit (at Pops Champagne)

[maddsexycool]

#runordye #5k #run #dallas (at Globe Life Park in Arlington)

[maddsexycool]

Chillin in the JCPenney backyard listening to Twenty One Pilots from afar #jcpBackyard #twentyonepilots #suburbiamusicfestival #sundayfunday (at Oak Point Nature Preserve)

[maddsexycool]

In love with my "Rose" ❤️ it's small but she's beautiful. Definitely buying from this artist again. #mixedmedia #art #rose

[maddsexycool]

Super fun Saturday with my main man and friends! A little longer at the pool then it's a wrap. Sofa is calling my name to rest up for the music Fest tomorrow. Hope you all are having a great day... Enjoy this beautiful weather!! #cottonwoodartsfestival #buyart #kidart #bbq #pool #pooldays #saturday