
if i look back, i am lost
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@madeleine-scott
An adrenaline junkie, and natural active person, Maddie had always wanted to pick up surfing. There was a certain peace in being able to find different activities to do outdoors. The more effort and concentration something took, the more she could get lost in it so that she could escape from any of her worries and concerns. Although she enjoyed doing these things on her own, she preferred to share her adventures with friends. To her, there was nothing like sharing an experience, a memory that one could look back on for a long time to come.
Maddie. A History.
Difficulties were things that Madeleine faced from her early life, on. Since the very beginning she was faced with struggles that she hoped others didn’t have to deal with, but knew that she was not alone. As a child, her mother was very disconnected, blaming Madeleine for destroying her life and future. Her mother had given birth to her at a young age while still in high school, and it was due to this that she had been shunned around their small town. Maddie felt the effects of her mother’s mistakes. Everyone in their hometown knew who Maddie was, who her mother was, and how her father refused to acknowledge her as his own.
As she grew older, she began to realize what it was that her mother did for a living. Maddie had grown up poor, she knew what it was like to wake up one morning without power, or other utilities because her mother had forgotten to pay the bills, or because she couldn’t afford to. Still, with the constant stream of men that would come through the door of their home, she soon found out. Maddie often found her mother in her room alone, high on drugs, or drunk off alcohol that would be given to her as gifts for the services she performed for the men that came over. Some of the regulars who took pity on her would bring food, or other small things for her when she was young. The kind and positive attention soon began to shift as she got older, and began to look more like an adult.
It was during these years that Maddie first came to experience the negative attention. She was molested by some of those regulars, but only one took it farther. She had found that not even her bedroom was a safe place for her. Maddie was too young, and too small to fight off the younger man from raping her, but she carried the damage of this instance with her through her entire life after that moment, although she didn’t like to admit it to herself. She had nobody to turn to when this happened, but would frequently try and find an escape outside of the house, or locked in her room before anyone would show up for her mother.
Madeleine’s mother continuously got worse, and much more careless with her well being. It took one overdose and she found herself completely on her own. Although her father was asked about whether he would take her in, she knew the answer before she heard it. He had never recognized her as his own before, and he still refused now that she was alone. Maddie was placed into the foster system, but being the age she was nobody wanted to adopt her, and she was bounced around between foster parents. Despite this, she still felt that her situation had improved from what it was previously. She didn’t have to fear attention from older men, or for her safety in general.
During her years in foster care, Maddie found her love for animals. One of the families she lived with owned dogs, and she quickly took to them, and they to her. She volunteered for different things in the cities she lived in. Between 4H, and animal shelters, she was able to help rescue animals who were found injured, or who were mistreated. This gave her a new purpose and a new drive. When she graduated from high school she worked and paid her way through college, also utilizing whatever loans she could. It didn’t matter how difficult it was for her to make it financially, she knew that this was what she wanted. In between her undergraduate and graduate degrees she spent time working at a zoo. This, yet again, proved to direct her into a more specialized route. After researching exotic animal veterinary programs, she applied to one, and was accepted quickly.
After many years of hard work, she finally graduated, passed her licensing exam, and found herself with an offer from one of the best zoos in the entire world. San Diego offered her a new place to live, and a new zoo to work for, but with a staff that was arguably one of the best. Packing up all of her things, Maddie headed to San Diego with the promise of a new life and the best paying job of her life, working with what she loved most. The San Diego zoo would allow her to work with an incredible number of species, and all she could feel was excitement for the adventure to come. Now that she had a stable, well paying job, she was ready to travel around and see different parts of the world just like she’d always dreamed.
Orion & Maddie || 14-Sept
orion-edwards:
I suppose really only time will tell.
Well, whatever happens in the future, I hope that you’re happy no matter what it is.
Luca & Maddie | 22nd September
luca-mikelson:
Lucky me, I get a little sunshine with my morning.
That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said about me lately. I’ll take it! Consider me your morning dose of sunshine.
Jake and Maddie || 9-Sept
jakecautheret:
Its not your fault or my fault. I wanted you to be happy. But I needed to adjust to the reality that it wasnt with me. As long as youre happy I can live with not being honest sooner then I should have.
I meant that shes this intelligent, funny and carefree person. She isnt afraid to be honest or herself. But Im this shy awkward person that couldnt be invisible to save his life and has anxiety when I do get noticed. Im not smart. But I work hard to be good at my job. Im not talented. But I work hard to be good at my hobbies.
Tomorrow can work. Do you want to pick a place between our jobs? The applications are going well. I have a few interviews scheduled in the upcoming months. Its still very early to pick. But the application process is long. Im hoping to find a place with good climbing and surfing. But a good program has to come first. Are you looking at changing zoos? I guess I assumed you would be travelling more to see Dominic.
I understand why it took you a while to say anything. I do. I don’t blame you for taking your time. Don’t worry about me... I always figure things out.
You truly don’t give yourself enough credit. You are smart, even if you have to work for things. That doesn’t make you any less intelligent. It does make you dedicated, and driven. I’m glad that there’s someone that you’re enjoying spending time with. You deserve that, I really think that you do. I hope that you’re happy, that’s what matters.
That would be fine. I’m sure we can find something between our two jobs. You’ll have to let me know how your interviews go, even if it is early. I still care about where you end up. I want you to find somewhere that you feel you belong. Having climbing and surfing nearby, though, that would be key for you. I’m... well, no... I haven’t been traveling much at the moment.
Orion & Maddie || 14-Sept
orion-edwards:
Things like that… It sounds so singular and finite. Thinking of it that way, even though I would like to agree, makes it sound like I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. The possibility of that…
Oh gosh, no. See, here’s the thing... and maybe it’s my endless need to be optimistic, but I don’t feel that people only have one person in the world. I think that there are a handful of people that one could consider their soulmate, and it’s only a matter of meeting those people. Each one will touch you differently. Honestly? I think that perhaps I’d done that, met more than one soulmate. I don’t think that you’ll be alone for the rest of your life, I honestly don’t.
Luca & Maddie | 22nd September
luca-mikelson:
I wouldn’t be able to tell if it made much of a difference either. I don’t know anything about the body.
Either way, you’ve got a workout buddy in me! We’re going to make ourselves all nice and fit and strong. I’m very excited for this.
Orion & Maddie || 14-Sept
orion-edwards:
Please don’t call her that.
Oh... I’m so sorry. I promise I wasn’t trying to offend you. I shouldn’t have assumed, that’s completely my fault.
Luca & Maddie | 22nd September
luca-mikelson:
That works for me. Always good to get the blood pumping on a morning.
I hear it’s really good for your metabolism, and your body, to exercise in the morning. I don’t know if it makes much of a difference, but good! I’m excited!
Luca & Maddie | 22nd September
luca-mikelson:
Saturday is actually perfect. Are you a morning gym type person or an evening one?
Oh good! I’m a whatever time of day strikes my fancy kind of girl. So, whichever you prefer, I can keep up! Maybe morning might be best, though? That way it allows you the freedom to do whatever you still want and need to do in your day? It also leaves me open in case the zoo calls me in for any emergencies?
Orion & Maddie || 14-Sept
orion-edwards:
Do I sound rude if I say no? There’s always some kind of effort with other people. Trying to figure out if they’ll take offence to something I myself don’t even realise may come off that way. I’ve tried but even with those who are wiling to be patient with me like yourself, I struggle to find the right words sometimes.
No, I don’t think it’s rude to say that you haven’t found anyone else. She must have made an incredible impression on you, a lasting one, and she touched you deeply. She was your soulmate, clearly. It’s hard when you lose that other part of you, I would imagine. It’s okay to struggle to find the words, and I don’t think I’m even displaying all that much patience. I think I’m doing what any decent person would do for another. You’ve gone through something difficult, the least anyone could do is try and be understanding.
Luca & Maddie | 22nd September
luca-mikelson:
Absolutely. What days do you have that you’re available?
They’ve been giving me Saturdays off lately! Would a Saturday work for you? Otherwise, my other day off can shift around in the week, and we could always play it by ear.
majatomasson:
It’s been quite a year so far. At nearly ¾ of the way through so much has happened and changed, from a move of continents at the end of last year to a wedding in the spring and hearing the heartbeat of someone special and sacred growing within me— I am in awe of where my life is at. All the happiness and love and fear I feel has been overwhelming at times, much more so lately given my reintroduction to motherhood. I took some time away from everything, seemingly locked myself away at my home and property to make peace with so much and allow myself to fall in love with something so fragile, of someone I am so strongly protective of already, once returning from Kenya. Working with the team and the elephants as always was a journey and incredible experience, yet I was distracted by sickness and something much greater going on with my body.
It’s been a transformative year for me, much more so than the couple prior, and I can only hope you all out there have had positive growth. It seems when I am sad I retreat and keep it to myself, and when I am happy I want to share it. How was your summer? Did you get a chance to check something off your bucket list? Anything you’re hoping to get to do with the changing of seasons we have coming up in a short while?
I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am about all of this! It’s just such a beautiful thing! Part of me wants to ask you a ton of questions about what it feels like, and all of that, but then another part of me doesn’t want to bug you too terribly much over it all. San Diego doesn’t change much where the temperature and weather is concerned. I might try and venture out to experience seasons elsewhere, though. Maybe I’ll go visit the two of you!
luca-mikelson:
Taken to working out more often as a healthier outlet for some of my emotions. Also trying to take a little bit more time to spend with my family. Feels like one step forward two steps back but at least i’m moving, right? Anyone want to be my gym buddy? I lost my last one.
I can join you. I feel like I always end up in the gym alone, and it’s nice to go with other people. We could work out at least one day that might work for both of us?