lost boys life

MADELINE ESTRADA thirty-one, mother & youtuber.

[dobrien]

Ana de Armas photographed by Alejandro Piñeiro Bello

[madiestrada]

madeline estrada — instagram story, 26th of march, 2020

[rogerdeakinsdp]

Ana de Armas by Alejandro Piñeiro Bello, February 2018 — via Instagram

[edmundodiaz]

i don’t want you to ever stop trying. but maybe, until you get a little older, maybe we try new things together, okay? okay.

[madiestrada]

hhiiiiiIIIIIIIIIII

oh, well imagine as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridorit's been a long time coming since I've seen your facefar away across the oceansevery step that i take is like miles from where i wanna bewhen the days are cold and the cards all fold

( i write sins not tragedies - panic! at the disco // feel again - onerepublic // massachusetts - ylvis // imagine - tone damli ft eric saade // demons - imagine dragons )

[imbeekate]

Send me a ‘hi’ and I will put my playlist on shuffle, write down the first line of five songs and give it to you as a poem.

[myrloe]

[madiestrada]

maddvanderbilt‌:

          He wondered if this conversation would have been the same if they had it earlier. After four years going by, Madden was far less angry with her than he had been once, a lot more ready to them returning to what they had been. Or to at least find out if it was possible. So yes, it may hurt like a bitch and yes, they should have talked this through sooner. But he wasn’t sure that it would have gone as smoothly if they’d had it earlier. And for that reason, he was fine going through this pain now. “I know, Madi. I know,” he assures her quietly, his heart breaking as he hears her voice shake. As mad as he once was at her and as resentful as he was for his life not turning out how he had wanted it to, Madden knew she hadn’t tone any of this intentionally, even if that fact wasn’t exactly a comfort either. He felt weighed down by his own guilt, yet also lighter, somehow. Like letting it out and knowing that Madi still loved him too made all of it easier to deal with finally. His eyebrows knit together briefly when she pulls him forward, but he’s quick to relax against her the moment her arms wind around him. God, how he’d missed hugs from her. Madden’s arms slide around her waist, easily lifting her up into his lap to bring her closer against him. He buries his face against her shoulder, pressing an absent kiss against the fabric of her shirt. “I love you,” he mumbles against her shoulder. “And I– I want you in any and every way you’ll let me have you, no matter how hard all of this may be to fix.” He pulls back enough to rest his forehead against hers. “Is that okay?”

All this pain and yet she still felt so good about all this. It had been an absolutely terrible conversation to have, one that brought back far too many bad memories and ripped open old wounds she thought had healed. The pain had been unbearable, but she had a good feeling about it. Whether that was giving them the closure they so desperately needed and never got, or if it meant them giving this another shot, she didn’t know. And quite frankly, in that moment, it didn’t really matter. All that mattered was that they had said what they needed. Everything that came after, they could figure out. It was like all her worries suddenly washed away the second his strong arms wrapped around her, the same effect he’d had on her all the years they’d been together. The feeling of familiarity and safety was unmistakable. “I love you, too,” she whispers back, feeling every muscle in her body relax the second those words slip past her lips, like an enormous weight had finally been lifted off of her shoulders. All of this, it was what she had wished for over the years but hadn’t dared hoped for it. It was almost like she had to pinch herself to make sure this wasn’t some twisted dream her subconscious had made up. “You want me?” she asks, almost in complete disbelief as he pulls back, a shaky breath exhaled as their foreheads rest against one another. She’s trying not to cry, again, but it’s hard. At least these would be tears of joy, right? “I’ll do whatever it takes, Madden, for us to fix this, to fix us,” she whispers before even more quietly adding, almost shyly, “can I kiss you?”

[madiestrada]

maddvanderbilt‌:

           Part of him genuinely wanted to rewind five minutes and take them down a route where this conversation didn’t happen. He knew that it needed to happen – should have already –, but it hurt far more than he ever guessed it would have. Partly because a million and one thoughts and emotions he never realized he’d had were coming flooding in now, and Madden couldn’t quite handle it. Yet this conversation had to happen; because if not now, then when? “No one believes that you wanted to hurt us, Mads,” he points out, his voice barely louder than hers. It ached to even remind himself of that – she hadn’t done any of this on purpose. The woman he knew and loved would never in a million years hurt him or their daughter like this; not if she didn’t have a genuine, conscious, well-minded choice in it. Despite knowing that, it was the first time in four years that the thought truly occurred to him.

           It felt like his heart was being torn in two watching her literally sob. He wasn’t sure he had ever seen Madi quite like this, not in the near decade and a half he had known her. Honestly, he didn’t want to see her like this ever again, but he didn’t know how to keep that from being so. Madden has to look away from her when she points out he’s done the exact same, more tears welling in his eyes. “I abandoned you because I had to for our daughter. And I’m sorry for that, but I spent a whole year trying to be there for you and you wouldn’t let me,” he reminds her. And while he had many valid reasons for doing what he did, that didn’t make it hurt any less for her, and he knew that. “I’m sorry,” he reminds her again, his tone practically pleading, trying for forgiveness he hadn’t realized he’d needed. His hand tightens around hers, desperately needing the warmth and familiarity of her hand – it had been years since they had last touched each other even in such simple ways, and he still didn’t forget what it felt like to hold her hand. Sniffling softly, he keeps his eyes on Madi while she moves closer, nodding slightly at her words. “I never stopped loving you either, baby,” he breathes out softly, turning his head to press a kiss against the palm of her hand.

This pain, she kept having to remind herself, would be worth it in the end. She didn’t know what any of this would mean for them, but talking this out felt like a step in the right direction. This is something they should have done years ago but the time had never been right. The timing now didn’t even feel right, but it was a necessary evil, wasn’t it? There were a lot of unsaid things between them, a lot of unresolved feelings and pretending like everything was okay for Bianca’s sake could only work for so long before it started tearing them down. As much as this hurt, and it really did, she was grateful for it, nonetheless. “I just need you to know that I never intended for any of this to happen, it was-- it was out of my control, Madden,” she spoke, trying to keep her voice steady but it was shaky, nearly breaking as she was slowly but surely losing control over her emotions. She was reaching her breaking point, she could feel it, and she hated losing control over herself. That was what got them into this mess.

Forcing herself to take a couple of deep breaths, she lets her gaze remain fixed on Madden now. She needs to see him, and he needs to see her; if they couldn’t look at each other, then what weight did their words really carry? Hearing him apologize almost has her breaking down right then and there, because it’s not his fault and it’s not her fault. They were merely victims of unfortunate circumstances and now here they were, desperately trying to get the other to understand how much they wanted to fix this. If there was a chance for them still left. “I know you are, god, Madden, I know,” she breathes out, her heart racing in her chest despite the ache that remained there. She didn’t think the ache would go away anytime soon, but at least looking at him, a bit of the ache faded and paled in comparison to the way he made her heart flutter. Something she had felt every day right up until their breaking point, and never since, until now. Even more so when he presses a kiss to the palm of her hand, a shaky sigh exhaled as she wants nothing more than to pull him in close and hold him. So she does just that, it feels like it’s the only thing she can do, using her grip on his hand to pull him close before releasing it. Her arms wrap tightly around his neck, needing nothing more than to just hold him and feel safe in his embrace once more.

[madiestrada]

maddvanderbilt‌:

              Truth be told, he hadn’t properly thought about what Madi must feel towards him nowadays. All he really got was her ignoring him outside of their interactions involving Bianca, and there wasn’t much room for interpretation of those actions. Maybe he hadn’t tried hard enough to be there for her with the PPD and then the reliance on alcohol that followed. Maybe he should have just tried harder all together in their relationship, and because he hadn’t, this is where it got him. After fourteen years, he can see the tears welling in her eyes no matter how hard Madi tries to fight them, feeling a pain in his chest for forcing her to say it out loud. “You were going through a lot,” he reminds her softly, hating himself for making her say it more and more by the second. “You were going through something that few people could relate to and understand, and while it may not have been the healthy or right choice, you did the thing you needed to in order to alleviate your own pain,” Madden reminds her. That didn’t make it okay, and he wasn’t trying to insinuate that it was. But he also didn’t think Madi needed to punish herself quite as much as she was, even if he did resent her for those choices. 

             He tries to ignore the burning sensation in his eyes while she’s reaching for his hand, surprised beyond words by even such a simple gesture. “Don’t say what? That you weren’t okay abandoning Bibi, but you were okay abandoning me?” he asks with a pathetic laugh, knowing that’s not what she had done even if that’s what it sure as hell felt like. Madden’s eyes stay down on their hands, afraid of the tears building in his eyes and he has too much pride to let her see them right now. “Watching you fall apart doesn’t mean I should stop loving you, Madi,” he mumbles lowly, sucking in a sharp breath as he tries to get it together but– It’s impossible. “You shouldn’t have been able to love me anymore. You were– God, you were falling apart and I couldn’t help you. And–” Madden cuts himself off, shaking his head as a stupid tear finally rolls down his cheek. Reluctantly, he finally meets her eyes again. “I can’t pretend anymore that I don’t love you. Because I’m clearly never going to fucking stop, no matter how made I am at you for everything. I can’t– I just can’t.”

Fuck, she hated this. She really fucking hated it. But this conversation was long overdue, it was one they should have had years ago, before she drowned her sorrows in alcohol and Madden saw no other way but to take their daughter from her. Perhaps that would have saved them all this hurt, all this heartbreak. And yet she knew they needed this conversation, whether that ended in good things or bad things, at least they’d reached a point where they could say what really needed to be said; years after. “But in dealing with my own pain I hurt you, and I hurt Bianca, and god, I never wanted to hurt either one of you,” her voice was barely above a whisper now, afraid that her voice would fail her and break if she spoke any louder. She didn’t want to be vulnerable, for so long she’d kept all that pent up inside, pretending to be strong, but she was a fucking wreck and if she was going to allow anyone to see that part of her, it was Madden. Even if all this pain was caused by him, and herself.

But it’s hard to not let her emotions overcome her completely, a sob making its way through her body when he mentioned abandoning him. Shaking her head, she wanted nothing more than to walk out of there, to be done with this, but she remained in her seat, her hand tightening its grip around his to show him she wasn’t going anywhere. “But you abandoned me, Madden,” she says, exasperated as her gaze finds his. “You abandoned me, and you took Bianca with you and I know why you did it, I don’t blame you, but I wasn’t the only one abandoning people here.” She’s almost breathless once she’s done speaking, like saying these things has knocked the breath out of her completely, and it feels like it has. These are things she’s been wanting to say for so long, but never had the opportunity to until now and every word hurt. Every word spoken and every word heard hurt. “You did what you had to do for your own sake and for our daughter’s, I don’t hate you for that,” she whispers, her thumb caressing over the back of his hand as her gaze falls to their hands, if only for a brief moment before it’s back on him. “I never stopped loving you, Madden, I hope you know that,” she adds, swallowing thickly as she scoots closer on the couch, but still leaving some space between them. Her free hand moves up, thumb wiping away the lone tear that had escaped his eye, the same way she would wipe away Bianca’s tears when she was upset.

[madiestrada]

maddvanderbilt‌:

             She was the person that had changed his life forever – for both better and worse, depending on the when of it all. But even above the lowest of their lows, he still fucking loved her with every god damn inch of his being. It was just– Fuck, it was hard to deal with when she’d more or less abandoned their relationship, their family, and their daughter when they had needed her most. So Madden had tried pushing it down, so far down that he could pretend he didn’t love her… For a while. “I was trying to take care of our daughter, Madi. And you came back after–” He paused when his voice broke, laughing in spite of himself as he turns his gaze away from her. “I didn’t know how to trust you. But I wanted Bibi to have her mom in her life, even if that meant you pretending like– Like you didn’t do all that to me, too.” He’d never said anything like that out loud to anyone before; he hardly ever even thought about how much he’d been hurt in all of this because he was focused on Bianca. Madden’s jaw clenches when she cuts herself off, eyebrows raising slightly. “And you what?” he asks, knowing what she’s ultimately getting at, but he wants to hear Madi say it for once. For once? They had never fucking talked about this period. And yet it felt like they had been building to this conversation for five years. “I know it’s more than that. But we’ve hardly fucking tried to fix it other than to attempt at giving Bibi both of her parents,” he points out, exasperation plaguing his voice. Madden’s gaze finally returns to her, incredulity evident in his eyes. “I haven’t fucking moved on, Mads. I’ve been waiting four god damn years to get the love of my life back, and she doesn’t care about anything related to me that’s not my daughter. And I don’t know how to deal with that so I just don’t.”

Every word he spoke, everything he told her, they were things she already knew. Things she’d taken years to understand as she struggled with caring for her daughter, struggled with building a relationship, when she all but ignored Madden. Not because she was bitter, though those feelings had been there too, but because she’d been so certain he’d want nothing to do with her anymore. How could he? She hurt all of them, done irreparable damage. She didn’t know what to say, just slowly nodded her head in acknowledgement as she let him tell her how he felt, forcing back the tears that threatened to escape at any moment. But then he confronted her, daring her to say what she couldn’t. “And I ignored everyone trying to help me and took to drinking instead, I found comfort in the bottom of a bottle and only thought about myself,” she finally pipes up, the words feeling like an absolute gut punch when they finally left her lips, for the first time in years. Swallowing thickly, her hand quickly moves up to wipe away at the tears that finally escaped her eyes, every stress reactor in her body telling her to go to the nearest liquor store and grab a bottle. Because that’s how she used to deal with this pain and hurt, right? But she was stronger than that. She had to believe she was. “Don’t say that, Madden,” she whispers, finally allowing herself to reach out to take his hand in his, carefully, almost as if she was scared he’d flinch away from her. “I care about you, I care so much it physically hurts me because in my head, in my world, there’s no reason for you to still be wanting me, there’s no way you could want me after all this,” she tries to explain, though she knows it must be difficult for him to understand. “I never stopped loving you, that wasn’t a choice I was given, but I had to ignore it because I didn’t think this would ever be again. And ignoring feelings so strong have destroyed me, I can’t do that anymore.”

[madiestrada]

Location: Fair grounds. Time: Evening. Status: Closed. / @jamiedesai​

With Madden offering to bring Bianca home for the night after a few breakdowns, Madeline took the time to wander the fair grounds by herself; it really was a different experience going by yourself. While she’d been stuck in the games and food area with Bianca the entire day, the four year old’s blood seemingly replaced by an endless supply of five hour energy (it was the only way she could describe the sudden burst of energy), she took this alone time to wander the shopping area instead. She wandered through the stalls, stopping at a few to check out the merchandise people were selling, but nothing really caught her eye until a familiar face caught her attention instead. A hint of a grin tugged at her lips as she practically beelined for the records stall, immediately stepping right up to it; there wasn’t really any line, after all.

“Is this where you’ve been hiding all weekend?” Madi’s eyes caught his, not exactly interested in what he was selling but more so the man selling it. “I told Bibi we’d surely be seeing you around and she was disappointed she didn’t see you, I hope you know,” she gave a curt nod, a hint of teasing in her eyes. “Though that was quickly fixed by deep fried oreos, as all things should be.”

[madiestrada]

maddvanderbilt‌:

           He didn’t understand how nearly ten thoroughly happy years together could end with them falling apart so completely. How they couldn’t even try to put it back together. Thinking about that seemed useless when Madi had made it abundantly clear that she didn’t really want anything to do with him. A fact that hurt all the worse considering Madden’s feelings for her had never gone away. No matter what he did, he couldn’t get them to, not even after everything that had happened and all that she had done. “You don’t think it’s possible, so we don’t bother trying? You get to decide that for us?” Madden asks, hating how her deciding anything for the two of them sets him a bit on edge. His stupid ass is still in love with her, and she can’t be bothered to ask what he wants; only assuming. Looking away from Madi, he shakes his head incredulously. “You say that like I blame you for everything,” he mutters, his disbelief clear in his tone. As much as he wanted to blame her and as mad as he was with her sometimes, he didn’t genuinely believe that them falling apart was her fault. But it frustrated the fuck out of him that she didn’t even want to fix it or even try. “But if you think that just because we went through some shit and nearly five years has passed and that I just suddenly don’t love you, then– I don’t know what else to tell you, Mads.”

Madeline had never stopped loving him, not once. A love like that didn’t just go away overnight because someone, somewhere made a mistake that ripped their family apart. It was the kind of love that lingered, ached and hurt, and one she didn’t think she’d ever feel again. She’d tried to suppress it, because she knew he would never feel the same again. Not after what she did. “It’s not like you’ve ever shown me any differently,” she shoots back, a look of disbelief on her face as she stares at him. Not once had he shown her that there was still love there; fighting for custody, tense greetings at drop off’s and nothing much of anything besides that. But maybe he’d been doing the same shit she’d been doing, desperately trying to suppress it, thinking it wouldn’t lead anywhere anyway. “Am I not to blame for everything, Madden? I was offered help from so many different directions but I turned them all down and I--,” she couldn’t even say it, having to fight to keep her voice down the more upset she got. It hit her that this was the first time in five years that they’d talked about this. The very first time, how crazy was that? “We didn’t just go through some shit, Madden, I ripped our family apart and we’re still suffering five years later,” she exhaled deeply, almost defeated, as her gaze turned down to her hands in her lap. “I never stopped loving you, but I can’t blame you if you moved on the second that custody case was done, M, I really can’t.”

[madiestrada]

maddvanderbilt‌:

            It’s impossible not to crack a grin at such a reply, shaking his head slightly. But Madden quickly has to press his lips together to avoid the smirk that threatens to take its place, his head going to the wrong place. Well, it was your favourite place to sit, he thinks to himself, eyes briefly moving away from Madi before they betray him, too. Fuck, five years of practically no relationship with her and it took five seconds for the dirty jokes and thoughts to come back to his brain. Maybe that was the part of him that was hopeful that maybe, just maybe, their feelings for each other hadn’t changed; the part that hoped maybe one day, things could get fixed. But then he reminds himself that Madi had always tried fixing things with Bianca, but never with him; and while he knew their daughter was more important, he couldn’t deny that it stung. He watches her carefully, noting how she can barely look up at him, but that’s not exactly new anymore. Nodding slowly, he knows that she’s right. “Valid point,” he murmurs lowly. But what she adds leaves a bit of a bitter taste in his mouth. “But not in any other regard, right?” Madden adds, a tight smile following his words.

For a moment, that grin of his brought her back a few years in time, where conversations like these happened on a daily basis, where they always had a happy ending and didn’t end in heartbreak because of everything that had gone down between them. But that wasn’t their reality anymore; he had probably moved on years ago, and she was trying to, but with zero real closure on their relationship, it felt like she’d never really be able to properly move on without the thought of him nagging her. Swallowing thickly, she finally looks up at him properly, her fingers playing with the hem of her shirt nervously as his words only worsened the ache she felt in her chest. “I broke this, Madden, I tore this family apart and all I’m doing now is for Bianca’s sake,” she admits, finding herself having to take a deep breath to try and collect herself. “Everything is for Bianca because I don’t think there’s any possible way to mend any other relationship, and I don’t think you want me to,” she adds, voice a bit more quiet now. “You shouldn’t want anything to do with me, Madden, not after everything.”

[madiestrada]

maddvanderbilt‌:

           He’d almost forgotten what it was like to be around just her. Usually when they dropped Bianca off for each other, it was only a short couple minutes that usually revolved around her daughter. But this… God, they hadn’t spent so much time alone around each other since before everything fell apart. Probably not even since before their daughter was born. Even after more or less asking her to stay, Madden felt uneasy about the idea, and surprised when she seemingly agreed. But Madi sitting as far away from him on the couch has him raising his eyebrows slightly. “I don’t bite, you know,” he can’t help but point out, offering her a slight smile. Five years ago, there would have been a ‘Not unless you ask me to’ attached to that. But they weren’t like that anymore, no matter how much Madden wanted things to be normal between them again. Nearly ten years together and one child later, and this is what they had. Nodding slowly, he replies, “We can do that. Go as a family– if that’s what you even want to call it, anyway. I’m sure Bibi’d love it.”

I don’t bite, the words had a faint smile tugging at the corners of her lips and she gave him a one shouldered shrug in response, not sure he wouldn’t just smack her if she sat close enough. He’d have every right to, after all. “And thank god you don’t with that strong jaw of yours,” she finally settles on as a reply, but quickly kicks herself mentally. This wasn’t the time nor the place. Things had changed too much in the past five years, and even with all the tension between them, she had to remind herself that it would never be easy for them to fall back into how things had been -- even if it at times like these felt far too easy. She figured it was a trap, though. It wouldn’t get them anywhere. Taking in a deep breath, she nods, barely finding it in herself to glance up at him. It shouldn’t have felt as difficult as it did. “Well, we may be a little broken and bent but we’re still a family,” she speaks softly, voice barely above a whisper as she finally tilts her head up to look at him. “As far as Bianca is concerned, we’re a family, Madden.”

[madiestrada]

georgiewallace‌:

Location: carnival

Time: late afternoon

Who: open @devinstonestarters​

One of the best things about carnivals was definitely all the attractions that it came with it, from the safe and child friendly , to the more risky and wild ones, Georgie felt like doing it all, even if in reality she never did half of them. Standing next to The Wipeout, Georgie was way more amused just watching people in and out of it than having a try at it herself.

“I just saw that kid practically shove down four corn dogs and wash it all with coke that I am actually starting to worry for the safety of the kid next to him.” Georgie snorted, watching as the ride started and she braced for the worst. “Wanna bet how long it will take for him to get sick?” She asked the person standing next to her, a grin on her face as she knew it was just a matter of seconds before it became a huge disaster.

With Bianca off having some carnival fun with her father, Madeline had some time to wander around herself and taking in all the sights. For such a small town, they surely put on one hell of a show once a year -- even in times such as these, which certainly surprised her with the outcome of people there. Pretend like everything was okay, was probably the carnival goers motto, but not hers. Stopping for a second, she pulled a small bottle of hand sanitizer out from her purse and practically doused her hands in it, rubbing it in generously before a voice caught her attention. Dog girl. Ah yes, of course they’d meet like this. Glancing up at the ride, she gave a shrug in response. “I don’t partake in gambling, it’s not good for a former addict,” she pointed out, barely filtering herself but not finding it in herself to care either. 

[madiestrada]

maddvanderbilt‌:

           Bianca wanting to be around Madi more and more was honestly a slap in the face he should have seen coming. Girls always wanted their mothers more, that was just… fact. His getting so much time with her these first four years was a blessing and he loved it; but Madden figured that, with the longer Madi stayed sober, maybe he shouldn’t get too used to it. As much as the idea broke his heart. “Hey! Mine have princess action in them!” he huffs in response, though a chuckle is quick to follow. It feels weird to joke with her, but Madden isn’t sure that he minds. “Yeah, well, she whines and complains for you in a way she never really did before,” Madden admits quietly. Whether he liked it or not, that was just fact. Shrugging, he adds, “Girls want their moms.” Eyes briefly flicking toward the door, he bites down on his lower lip. “I mean, yeah, if you have to. We should– Probably sort shit out if you’re wanting to take her to the carnival this week or something, though,” he points out, for some reason feeling the need to get her to stay.

It feels odd being around Madden again, especially when neither of them had Bianca to lean on. Over the years, all their interactions had been through their daughter and it had been easy enough to handle it when she was there to break the tension, but now she was upstairs, asleep, and they were left alone. She almost felt like she should have rushed out the door to save themselves the awkward tension, but she lingered in her spot, finding herself wanting him to ask her to stick around. As if he wanted that. Girls want their moms, that sentence alone was like a gut punch, a reminder that she hadn’t been there for a fourth of her daughter’s life and she had to bite back her emotions, exhaling a shaky sigh and deciding not to say anything about that. What could she say that wouldn’t hurt either one of them? Instead, she was slowly easing herself toward the door when his words had her stopping. “I-- yeah, I did want to take her one of these days,” she nods, turning on her heel and slowly walking into the living room where she sat down on the couch, putting as much space between them as she could. “Maybe we could, y’know.. go as a family one day?”