madsx9 @madsx9 - Tumblr Blog

sixpenceee

The largest rainbow aura quartz table ✨ Credit: Far Arden Essentials

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sixpenceee

A picture of a baby snail still in its egg.

darlingandfaith

a friend

andthwip-deactivated20220219

Who the hell is Bucky?

lackadaisycats

I never did share the full version of this comic here (arguably, that was for the better). Based on a true story.

The Lackadaisy Animated Film Kickstarter is live, but almost over! Just a few days left to reach our mini-comic dub stretch goal!

jesikaos

How can such a tiny creature hold so much majesty

heavensghost

Susan Orlean, The orchid thief

(Taken from my Journal)

lifeinpoetry

I wanted to be loved more than I wanted to be alive. For so long

I thought not to be loved is good but to be loved is to be good.

All those years, convinced — surely I must be bad, the way you keep punishing me.

— Leila Chatti, from “Faulty,” published in Prairie Schooner

heavensghost

Flowers in the dark

yyukhei

Mads Mikkelsen｜FLAUNT Magazine

bride2be

wheremyscalesslither

Dont be fooled. She hates you.

void-the-bear

That’s a hognose. She can’t be hating is because her head isn’t flattened out

wheremyscalesslither

Go ahead and reach your hand in there and tell me shes not pissed off lmao

I think i know my own animals p well

phreequea

all the highly empathetic people i know in my life have had abusive home lives and that’s because we were trained to read a situation at any given moment in our homes and learn how to react within seconds because if we didn’t and said or did the wrong thing, we’d get fucked up and beat and hurt

but like subconsciously always reading the mood of any atmosphere or space you’re in, always being able to gauge how people feel, it’s not a fucking gift, it’s exhausting. you can’t turn it off, even if you want to. you read the situation and if it’s negative, you freak out because if someone’s angry at you, it’s the end of the world

like we’ve internalized the scars from our childhood when an adult being mad at you was the worst thing ever and it’s carried with us into adulthood. it’s hard to unlearn all that.

so like a lot of us have mental health or anxiety issues because we also start internalizing all the energy from people, be it positive or negative, and so anxiety-inducing and frustrating to the point of tears

septemberpoems

#hello this is called hypervigilance#And is a symptom of ptsd#And the fear of fucking up or someone being angry at us if we don’t respond to the emotion correctly#is known as a ‘maladaptive schema’#Which means that when our brains were developing#the constant traumatic or abusive environment wrote some base code into our brains#that influence the way we can filter and assess any infortmation#So all information we receive goes through the panic centre first and then gets viewed through this trauma induced coding#Which is why even when we know theoretically that we are ok and safe#we still go into panic and act instinctively

…..I had no idea this counted as hypervigilance. no idea what so ever.

hollowedskin

#thanks Youre welcome. I’m writing out all the shit I learnt from the cptsd specialists when I was in the hospital because so much of it was brand new information for me, (and i consider myselr fairly well educated on my illness) and even being there for only three weeks gave me enough info to completely change how im viewing my plans in terms of treatment and recovery.

I figure it will also be extremely relevant to a lot of my friends on here, but it’s going to take me a while to sort it all and write it out in a readable way. But I’m working on it.

vulturechow

this is so fucking helpful for me

yarking

the symptoms of ptsd (and cptsd) are so poorly known by the general public tbh, as is the cause. Friendly reminder:

And child abuse is chronically under-reported. I didn’t know until I left my family that anything was unusual about my upbringing, and was diagnosed with PTSD this year from it.

also, that

you freak out because if someone’s angry at you, it’s the end of the world

like we’ve internalized the scars from our childhood when an adult being mad at you was the worst thing ever and it’s carried with us into adulthood

This is a type of flashback. What’s known as an emotional flashback. People think flashbacks have to be sensory hallucinations, when in fact in C-PTSD (that is, PTSD from chronic mistreatment, like child abuse) it’s more commong for flashbacks as a symptom to manifest as emotionally responding to a situation as if you’re “back there”. You sense your friend is mildly displease with you and you get a strong fear response, despite the fact that your friend hadn’t and wouldn’t be hurtful towards you for it? That’s your body using that maladaptive schema it developed from when you were in abuse!environment to try to protect you from what it learned was a dangerous situation. It too is absolutely a symptom of PTSD.

This is why confrontation is so difficult for survivors sometimes. Reactions to people who have reasonable/mild disagreement can FEEL like a serious threat, so you can be compelled to respond with appeasment, strong defensivness, shutting down, basically your go-to survival response.

It’s a hard thing to train yourself out of, but if you have this kinda symptom you can mitigate the effects by actively recognizing when it’s happening (this is the hardest part imo), then taking a step back to assess the reality of the situation. Is this person’s emotions your responsibility? What is the likely outcome of this conflict? How mad is this person actually? Are they even mad at you?

It can also help to have a plan for people you interact with a lot, like a partner or best friend. For instance, you sense someone is angry and it feels like dangers, talk about asking how angry they are outside of a conflict, maybe like a number scale. “I’m senseing you upset. What’s your number? What’s going on?” “Oh, pfft I’m just a two cos my amazong package didn’t get delivered on time today.”

You can learn how serious a vibe is and what it’s actually directed at by asking, and it can help mitigate that constant impulse to ask if someone is mad at you.

Also, if you have access, I strongly rec a good therapist to help you reasses how much responsibility you should claim in other people’s feelings. Maladaptive schemas can make you feel like you’re responsible for other people’s happiness, to the point where you can start to micromanage and become codependent. It can even feel like you’re doing a good thing. It’s not. Pls learn how to take care of yourself folks