I AM GRIEF,

ⁱˢⁿ'ᵗ ᵇⁱᵗᵉ ᵃˡˢᵒ ᵗᵒᵘᶜʰ ?

[maereor]

› MY LIFE WAS ALREADY OVER BEFORE IT EVEN BEGAN. EVERYTHING WAS DECIDED FOR ME.

VICTOR CONLEY , a selective criminal oc. prev. erebius. also found on @satrnid. multi verse and au loving. first established in 2018. high activity. written by ASH , all pronouns , est.

DOING SHOTS WITH › ANOFFERING. HARRENHCL. WARPLANET. STUDIODRAFTS. POLAREAN. HALFGIGAS. LYONELB. ARATSAKA. VANNASPAR. ZALDARIAS. 0LDTOWNS. HEROESLOT.

      carrd.         pinterest. prompts.

low activity / hiatus until june due to moving states!

[maereor]

i have arrived safely to my new home and i am lounging in a bubble bath with a la croix. be back soon <3

[maereor]

hiii everybody<3 in about a month or so i will be moving across the entire country to live with my partner of 10 years, but with prices going up we're getting a little tight on our budget, so we made a little gofundme if anyone wants to help out ! no pressure, but spread this around if you can, and thanks either way! adding the more uncomfortable details below the cut if anyone's curious.

to make a long story short, this is a little more than just a simple move: i'll be coming out to my family and moving away within the same week. i don't talk about it much, but i come from a very conservative household and a family with More Than Two preachers in it, so needless to say my identity and my love isn't welcome in my own house. its been a big secret for the longest time, but its time to gtfo of here and actually live a proper life. we have absolutely no idea how my family is going to take this, and there's a very real possibility that i'll just be kicked out right away, so we're trying to be better safe than sorry and cover all our bases. i'm going to be going back home with my partner, where i will be much safer and happier, and also have better job opportunities as i currently live in one of the states that still has federal minimum wage.

anything you can give will help us out a lot, but even if you can't, we appreciate you spreading this around! ily guys and this community has been very important to me for the past almost decade<3

[maereor]

travel update! we’re having car trouble and have been stranded bouncing between hotels and bnbs for 3 days now LOLL so im just gonna rb this again but also say if anyone wants my paypal or venmo i can give it privately, no pressure but if anyone has the means to help out and wants to the car repair bill is……. well my entire muffler/exhaust system fell off so u can imagine lmao

[maereor]

hi all!! we are on the road for the move! all is going well and im doing rough but ok. miss yall ill be back soon! <3

[maereor]

hi everyone!! i just wanted to pop in here quickly and say the worst part of this moving ordeal is over, my parents are aware of my gf and i am still safe at home with both at them. obviously there’s a lot to it and a lot going on and i’m feeling incredibly rough and anxious BUT i wanted to let yall know i am safe <3

[maereor]

lil hiatus notice: may 11 - june ?? probably the second week? idk

hi guys!! i'm still sick as hell and its kicking my ass and i realized by the time i'm not sick anymore it'll probably be right around the time i'm moving in with kellin, so i figured i'd put my little hiatus notice out early. we'll be driving cross country and it'll potentially be very stressful for me as previously explained, so i definitely won't have the chance to write for a few weeks at least.

i'll still be dashboard lurking, sending memes, and on discord, so pls plot and chat with me!! (especially during this stressful time omg) i just probably won't have the time/mental capacity to actually write until i'm settled in. or maybe i will and will post scattered replies here and there, idk. but bear with me please!! i have a lot that i owe and a lot going on, lmao.

here's a link to the original post about the move and our little gofundme, if anyone wants to help or spread that around! ily all and soon i will actually have so much more time to write :3

[maereor]

hello my voice is actually 100% gone and a teenager at work said i look like “the lady who invented radiation” today

[maereor]

lil hiatus notice: may 11 - june ?? probably the second week? idk

hi guys!! i'm still sick as hell and its kicking my ass and i realized by the time i'm not sick anymore it'll probably be right around the time i'm moving in with kellin, so i figured i'd put my little hiatus notice out early. we'll be driving cross country and it'll potentially be very stressful for me as previously explained, so i definitely won't have the chance to write for a few weeks at least.

i'll still be dashboard lurking, sending memes, and on discord, so pls plot and chat with me!! (especially during this stressful time omg) i just probably won't have the time/mental capacity to actually write until i'm settled in. or maybe i will and will post scattered replies here and there, idk. but bear with me please!! i have a lot that i owe and a lot going on, lmao.

here's a link to the original post about the move and our little gofundme, if anyone wants to help or spread that around! ily all and soon i will actually have so much more time to write :3

[polarean]

" mm - hm, " jameson hums into his drink, welcoming the new wash of warmth that aches its way down his throat and settles in his stomach. victor's earlier storming off had not only interrupted the party ( loudening, drinks being handed out now that he and victor's orders are met ) but jameson's buzz. now, even if victor's absolute refusal to be normal is as smoothed - over as it's gonna get, he needs it more than fucking ever. one cup downed, he throws an arm around his partner's shoulders to make them seem friendly, and leans back into what promises to be an utterly ruined few hours.

it's bothering him, a worse than a hangnail. that he understands victor ---- that makes his stomach tense, makes him dizzy, how much he understands everything victor says. amos was one thing ---- but a heavy - handed father was not an abnormality, much as he hated it. but the grieving : this is the bone stuck - fast in jameson's throat. fuck, he could even see himself in victor, and it's not a mirror he's eager to meet. different roads met the same oblivion.

fuck, gods, he gotta stop staring into the middle distance. victor's got him off - balance. he exhales, recovers himself, takes another drink. " who were you before . . . you know? " terrible question, if jameson wants to avoid the horrible realizations he's having ( they're not even two sides of the same coin : the same coin entirely. empathy, a grasp away, threatening a well - earned repression that jameson had, before now, built like a fortress. ) he's not even sure why he bothers to ask. maybe there's something kinder in him than he knows : maybe he's determined the further immiserate himself, and get it all over with tonight, instead of drawing it out.

" because, i mean, obviously you weren't always this, right? you wouldn't have made it this far. " ( oh yes, jameson knows a self - destructive tendency when he sees one. ) " so there was an old self. tell me what a good night was for you, before it became sobbing yourself to sleep alone? "

[maereor]

an arm wraps around him just as the high starts to hit. a warm wash that seeps through muscle and bone , crawling over his body entire is a pleasure unlike any other. better than drink , this is , better than sex———victor's head leans back against jameson's arm and he barely contains a quiet moan , eyes closing to really relish this. part of him , ever unwilling to let his high fade too greatly , forgot how truly blissful it feels to hit the point of sobriety before whisking it away again. but now he's reminded———it takes all of his might not to nod away into sleep just here , cheeks flushed and breath hitching with relief.

it takes far longer to process he's being spoken to , that its his husbands voice he hears , asking him a question. head shakes , eyes blinking open in a buffer. ❛ hmm ? ❜ the questioning sound is all but purred , head lolling to the side to look bleary-eyed at the other. ❛ oh , i . . . um———fuck , sorry , that's really good. ❜ subtle , right. pull yourself together , he thinks. there's only so much of this that can be passed off as too much to drink.

❛ a good night for me was . . . mm , basically the night i think you were tryin' to plan for me. ❜ a wolfish grin , now , a warm , raspy snicker punctuating his words. ❛ havin' fun , with nothin' to worry about , findin' someone pretty to go home with and forgettin' it all by morning , repeat . . . ❜ and yet , despite the high and the newfound spirit in his expression , there's a cloud of sadness that permeates it all , a melancholy he can never shake from his voice. ❛ always in my stupid pursuit of findin' someone to love me , though. guess i thought if i was good enough in bed someone would ? i dunno. i have always been gloomy , though. sorry to say. ❜

[misrybred]

'𝐈𝐌 𝐒𝐎𝐑𝐑𝐘, 𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐄𝐍𝐓' 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐋𝐘 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐒𝐇𝐄 deserved them the most. her life had been about being made to endure things, to sit in discomfort, to swallow whatever is done to her, said to her, without opening her mouth to complain. if she did she got a disapproving look, she got scolded or ignored entirely. hardly anyone around the dowager queen had paid enough attention to her to take her seriously nor care--even with her friend, even with rhaenyra sometimes, she still feels as if she is alone. isolated in a gilded prison made up of red brick, dragons, & duty. was this all her life was ever meant to be or could there have been some other timeline were life was kinder to her ? even still, she cannot cry nor dwell over what cannot & will not be. all that matters is now & what must be done for the sake of a different outcome or, in the least, the possibility of it. victor seemed more the optimist than her at times & in him she sees a trait she once had when she was a girl ... like most things from that period, optimism had long left.

@quvir sits beside her & alicent nearly holds her breath. the desire to leave, to sit alone with her own thoughts increases. a tendency she learned as she grew---being too close to people, letting them in, often times invited some kind of ruin upon them.

alicent lingers for a moment, allows victor to rest his head on her but only for a moment before she stands. feet began pacing back & forth in front of the opposite couch ... hands at her midsection wringing themselves. ❛ we can never be the people we were. those versions of us cannot exist now. ❜ a rather morbid, curious statement is it not ? existential even. ❛ just like there is no fixing this, no saving my sons from their fate. a fate their mother damned them to. ❜ the guilt will follow her forever. ❛ i suppose i am the worst mother who ever lived. ❜

[maereor]

slumping further into the couch , wishing to become one of the cushions , victor watches his friend fidget and pace , frown deepening. there's not much he can say or do anymore to bring her any peace. peace was stolen from alicent long ago , and it seems that since then , the very idea of it seemed a distant dream. a heavy breath , knuckles rubbing along his brow. ❛ there're definitely worse mothers out there. ❜ its a difficult line to toe———she's not the worst mother , and he wants to comfort his friend , but morally . . . he feels complicated towards alicent's form of motherhood. its not his place , anyways; he can't imagine he'd be worth much as a parent.

head falls back heavy against the couch , gaze fixing up on the ceiling now , just to stare. ❛ i don't know what to tell you , alicent. there are mothers out there who hate their children , hurt them , probably sell them. ❜ how complicated it must be , to become a mother in the way she did , to raise such difficult children in such horrid circumstances. she didn't ask for sons like those she received. nor did she ask to be queen mother , wrapped up in so much political turmoil , married off to her dearest friend's old father. again he thinks of his pair of friends before , how easy things were then. this throne , this city and the names attached to it———it ruined them , ruined everything. ❛ nobody taught you how to handle this , yeah ? i don't think you ever expected any of this to be goin' on. everything's just fucked , ali , and i don't think there's anything we can do to unfuck it. just . . . cry and complain , i guess. ❜

[aratsaka]

victor hates the bike idea, he can tell. but he says it sounds fun, which makes mack raise his eyebrow. “ 'course i do. i'll be careful with you, i promise. ” he laughs, standing up and away from his counter and walking the few steps between himself and the other person in his kitchen. with his free hand, he takes his mug and takes a drink. “ we can do something else, if you want. i'm sure the other night didn't inspire confidence in my driving abilities. ”

the toast finally pops up, and he turns his head to look at it. “ you can eat too, you know. help yourself to whatever i've got. or i can cook for you, if you want. i usually just eat this to tide myself over until i feel like making breakfast. ” mack drops victor's hand as he walks over to his fridge, searching for the jar of strawberry jelly he knows he'd just opened the day before. he waits for victor to reply before grabbing the carton of eggs and trudging back over to the stove.

[maereor]

though he knows there's toast in the toaster , and it will inevitably pop , victor still———much like a cat———jolts when it does so , his hand momentarily squeezing mack's a little tighter. its embarrassing. hopefully mack doesn't notice. ❛ i , uh . . . usually this is what i'd consider breakfast. ❜ most mornings he stuffs his face with half a bowl of soggy cereal , only slowing down to eat a real meal when his mother feels up to making pancakes. still , he doesn't protest when eggs emerge from the fridge———smiles instead , endeared. what a nightmare. now they're having breakfast together. he's doomed.

❛ and if anything , i ought to be more confident in your driving , considerin' you're still alive. ❜ with the tea finished , he steps closer to mack , closing the freshly-made gap , and kisses along his jawbone. ❛ i'll give it a try. if i hate it too much , i'll just . . . i dunno , bite you to let you know. ❜

[maereor]

anon hate is that i miss you and your beautiful writing and silly little ooc posts when you're not on the dash !!!!

help me sol help me this is so many for me

[maereor]

omg are we sending hate. check this out

i hate u bc you're so cool and creative, and you write so well. You're the worst because the dash is brighter every time you post. just terrible.

IF I WROTE jk thats what im here to do I SWEAR <3 ily

[maereor]

PREEMPTIVE HATE (jk i love u)( jk jk i am mad) (jk jk jk u smell but ur ok)

[maereor]

I will fight your bad week for you

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

[maereor]

TODAYS THE DAY

[maereor]

SATURDAY. i have absolutely nothing to do all day saturday if i dont write that day you all need to send me hate to my inbox

ily all i will pester u in messages soon ive been rot mode