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When Skies Are Grey (gojo x gn!reader)

summary:

You'll never know dear, how much he loves you. Until he took his sunshine away.

In other words, Gojo is unsealed and you had been declared missing during the culling games. When you rekindle, he noticed how much you've changed since the day he left you. And he's quick to realize that any reconciliation or long-awaited reunion won't mend things back to how they used to be.

CW: Flashbacks, angst, a not-so-happy reunion, canon-compliant, JJK221 spoilers, implied major character death, hurt no comfort, reader is a bit unhinged >> , no happy ending :D

Word count: 4.6k

There’s a reason why Satoru calls you sunshine.

It started off when you walked into the classroom from what felt like a lifetime ago as a first year. Initially, he thought it was your cursed technique, but your presence was radiant enough to blind his already sensitive eyes easily. The sun’s rays were incomparable to the brightness he saw - those were his first thoughts of you.

“Hey, sunshine !” The 14-year-old cleverly bumped his seat next to the other male first-year, who was giving him disapproving side-eye glances.

They purposely kept a desk distance between them, since they already could not get along outside of class. (Though for some reason, there was a mysterious jacket that lay on the back of the chair.) And now, the greedy, upcoming honored one wanted to pry you away from any potential competition (man-bun and the girl who shouldn’t be smoking cigarettes at her age) Pointing at the wooden seat on his right, Satoru Gojo smugged a Cheshire grin. “Seat’s over here.”

Confused about why he called you sunshine, you walked up to him and quietly grabbed the apparel behind him, politely grinning. “I’d appreciated it if you had asked to take my seat first instead of just sitting down.”

While the two other students laughed at the humiliating interaction, Gojo only focused on your sweet voice and the curl of your lips. It wasn’t until you sat next to Shoko on the other side of the lineup, the boy-wonder realized that he did in fact, steal your desk.

Ironically to him, this was a gloomy start to the day.

—-

And now many years after that faithful day of him taking your chair, you took his last name. Though you’d like to joke about how it was out of revenge, it was nothing less than a product of blossoming patience, acceptance, and love.

Even though you had formally left the Jujutsu society two years after graduation due to the harsh contempt of the practice and the ironic dangers of drawing your power, you continued to follow Satoru’s life over time. You tied him back into pieces after the whole mayhem of his other half ripping his own heart and trust in shreds. And thanks to you, he realized that his worth does not equate to living a lonesome life. He learned to value his peers, use them for his support, and in turn, reciprocate the same amount of care he received.

And this perspective in life was all thanks to the sunshine that would light up his dreary skies.

—--

It was a puzzling day for him. After declaring war with a sorcerer possessing his best friend’s corpse and a curse who took over his adopted son’s body, one of the clearer objectives he had in mind was you. Amidst the chaos and calamity, where were you?

You were out of reach via cellphone and according to Yuji, you trailed off to your own whereabouts about ten days ago, which was the last time you’ve seen him. He presumed that you left the colonies while you could since the culling games were an association you dared not participate in.

And for Satoru, October 31 was still very fresh in his mind since time in that forsaken box did not pass at all. Seeing the damage in his comrades, injured students, and missing friends, his brain could not wrap around these unfathomable changes. Emotions of heartbreak, confusion, anger, and distortion all spiraled within him and even though he was a self-proclaimed master at it, these were pills that were impossible to swallow and pride through.

To make things worse, you were missing. Out of touch, but still ingrained in his mind. You were the pinnacle of his well-being and right now, he needed you – his spouse, the keeper of his soul, the sunshine of his life.

The second night of his return (his first night was just being bombarded with countless pieces of information from everyone present) was sleepless. Now sleeping in his former dorm room in the school for hiding purposes, all he wanted to do was mindlessly sneak away and search for you.

But it’s ridiculous to ever think about you being involved in this ‘Saving-Satoru-Gojo-Operation’. Satoru knows you more than he knows himself. And even when desperation calls for desperate measures, you wouldn’t partake in the reck caused by his disappearance, especially in a game where lives had to be taken in order to proceed.

While you were an excellent student academically and had an overall above-decent score in physical combat training, your curse technique was never adequately trained. Like the sunshine that you were, you refused to see the darkness that will unfold from the power you harness. So instead, you remained as an average grade three sorcerer that depended on cursed tools while everyone else in your class flourished to higher ranks.

As you got older and your world started to shift, that was the only thing you refused to purposely change. Even when Geto confronted your ‘cowardice’ and ‘wasted potential,’ you (quite literally) stomped on his foot before marching back with your undispelled morals. When you realized that it was near-impossible to make a living from being a sorcerer without getting your hands dipped in dirty blood that wasn’t yours, even when the situation calls for it, that was when you finally threw in a white flag and left the world that was untailored for you.

After all, for someone who could only charge up by stealing the cursed energy of humans by killing them (we don’t talk about how it was figured out) before being able to use your ability, pursuing a civilian life was for the better. And after endless counting of sheep and countless uninsured reassurances about your safety, Satoru found himself slowly zoning out to a barely, slightly better tomorrow.

His six eyes woke him up moments before the school’s intrusion alarm did. And according to those honored gifts of his, it wasn’t a curse or two – no. It was a mesh of energy from hundreds of souls all marching into the headquarters, closer than a flock of ducks swimming through a shallow lake.

At 9:17 AM on November 21, 2018, Satoru Gojo found himself standing outside the near-abandoned headquarters, with no ancient, powerful army in front of him. No – instead, he’s found something much worse.

Instead of facing an army, he sees you… he thinks. Except now, the figure a few feet ahead was fierce, compiled with power, and rogue. He sensed anger, fear, and desperation, all typical energies of special grades. But, yours was much more compelling.

“Sunshine?” He can barely utter in disbelief before repeating your actual name. He had to squint very hard to get through all of that blaring energy, to see your body, to see you. Aside from the surprising power-up, much of you remained the same as the day he left. However, this version of you was twisted from the sweet and loving spouse he bidding a temporary adieu to.

Your face was sunken, under eyes darker than the rest of your complexion, hollowing out the fatigue. A lobeless right ear and scars both fairly new and still in the process of healing littered your face, neck, and forearms. God only knows how many more dashed your once flawless skin. The dullness in your skin and eyes took away the joyful innocence that Satoru tried so hard to protect, to keep alive.

“What’s your favorite feature about me?” You read the card out loud after fishing it from the bowl.

Putting all of the ‘platonic’ dates aside, this quiet Friday night was your third official date with Satoru, which was spent in your new apartment. Both parties plopped on the floor, legs crisscrossed beneath the coffee table and a game set of “Get to Know Your Partner.”

Taking a sip of his (fourth) mocktail, the minted teacher pouted as he analyzed you from the tips of your hair, all the way to your toes. You knew at this point, he loved all of you. But to discover his specific favorite was enticing.

In a joking manner, you leaned in up close and personal, so he could capture every crevice of you. But leading up to a flushed surprise, Satoru licked the bottom of his lip before smashing it against yours. Perhaps it was the placebo from the fake alcohol, but he was very handsy on that particular date night. Handsy purely lovingly and handsy that is above PG-13.

When he finally pulled away, red and intoxicated, he kept his palms on your cheeks, unable to let go. You, just as flustered, darted between his eyes and lips.

“You need to give me an answer, big boy.” Your eyes could barely keep open as he was hovering closer until he was an inch apart.

“This is an unfair question, sunshine. I can create a grocery list instead.” As his thumb traced around your lip, the glassiness of his magnetic blues pulled you into a mental trance. There’s a feeling stirring that the game might get cut short.

But you pressed on. At least have him answer this one. Is it your hair? Eyes? Lips, hips, legs? (you guessed ass first since that was something Satoru could never pry away from.) “Just one answer and we can move on.”

Though you’d expected a Gojo-like answer, you were appalled when the lust in his stare softened to an adoring gaze, one that’s only been expressed once in front of you at the time.

“I suppose so. If I had to choose…” He mumbled as he took your hand and threaded his fingers through yours. “It’d be your heart. The one that would never hurt a fly, yet wouldn’t hesitate to land a punch on me.”

You pronounced a giggle at the juxtapositioned truth, earning a kiss on the tip of your nose, “I really thought you were gonna say my ass.”

That’s when Satoru moved to your cheek, then your chin, and then trailed multiple kisses down to your neck in fast, pecking motions. He laughed as he laid you down on the floor.

“Oh, that was a very close first, trust me.”

—--

A heart that was pure and warm, one that pumped an endless surplus of bright radiance. Perhaps it pumped gold instead of blood, which was the reason why all parts of you beamed graciously in his view.

But this… This person standing in front of him was the complete opposite. This thing in the body of his spouse has been diluted by darkness as it carries the pain and misery of more than plenty. From how your eyes no longer carried that spark to how the sun only embellished your scars. Even the way you carried yourself no longer had diligence, but rather, anger and vengeance. This isn’t you. This shouldn’t be you.

But his soul knows otherwise.

The wind coursed through his and your hair, to add more to the tension. This wasn’t the reunion he was expecting. Should he run up to you? Take you in with open arms? But his feet remained frozen, nerves filled with the same shock as when Kenjaku revealed himself in his best friend’s body.

Instead, Satoru said your name again with more realization. “What happened to you?”

You didn’t carry a cursed tool. Your bruised fists were enough declaration that your body was the only physical weapon used for combat. After taking in the moment as well, the dimness in your eyes vanished a little. You analyzed the being in front of you, just as how he did it first. With widened eyes, you took a step closer.

“Is this a hallucination?” You mumbled more to yourself, unsure. A shapeshifter, maybe. With clenched fists, you challenged. “Who are you really?”

“What?” Winded due to your response, Satoru shook his head, hands out, palms facing you. “It’s me, sunshine. The real thing. Don’t tell me you forgot who this pretty face is?”

With a regard to his self-deployed humor, your stance relaxed slightly, but overall still on high alert.

“Of course not, but after all of the shit I’ve been through, it's hard to trust anyone based on appearance alone.” The Honored One felt guilty for inevitably leading you to be unparalleled with your trust in him. “Prove it. Prove that you’re Satoru Gojo.”

“Really?” His defeated exterior slumped. But upon seeing how unwavering you are, yet how hope made your lips tremble as though it was a foreign emotion. It’s bizarre how everything about you could change in less than a month. “Alright, I’ll prove it to ya.”

He could easily light up the sky with reds, blues, and purples or teleport you to all seven wonders of the earth or take you into his domain expansion or even wrap you around from an arm’s distance with his infinity. But no, demonstrating his power rather than himself would not lead to any benefit. Thinking not too long, yet hard, his fuzzy white strands steadily popped up from an idea.

“Do you know why I call you sunshine?”

“Huh- oh!” You attempted to lift your head slightly from his shoulder, only to have his palm push you back down to the position.

It’s been a year since Geto declared his departure from the system, his friends, and Gojo. And since then, the former half of him wilted into a being with a harsh exterior, yet solemn and fragile interior. It took you and Shoko days to convince Gojo to not overwork himself with back-to-back missions. Even though his obnoxious refutes and boisterous energy claimed otherwise, he was bringing himself over the limit.

And finally, you were able to take him to the beach and watch the marbling sunset course over the flat sea.

A majority of your time together was spent quietly, which was becoming the new norm ever since that day. Not that you minded, but you did miss the private teases and bantering remarks thrown during the brighter days.

“I asked-”

“Well, that was the first thing you ever said to me before taking my seat on the first day of school.” You giggled at the fond memory. A young Gojo, embarrassed from your polite, yet assertive scolding. “I never really thought why. I just assumed it was a nickname that stuck.”

Colors of orange, yellow, and red blended across the sky, melting together like waxed crayons. The foam of upcoming tides barely approached your toes as it had always been knocked away by Gojo, thanks to his infinity. The sand was cool to the touch, but the close proximity between you both made the atmosphere a whole lot warmer.

Being on the side closest to his heart, you had your right hand resting on Satoru’s left knee. And slowly, his long fingers traced the softness of your skin, which was barely flawed like his. He didn’t speak immediately after, leading you to think that it was the end of the discussion. But when your hand was cupped by both of his palms, it was an indication that he was just starting to answer.

“Yeah… I guess that’s where it started. But it kinda developed to something more- a stronger meaning.” Was it just the reflection of the sun, or was his face just red? The closer you leaned in, the more he hid his face from your direction. “Ever since Suguru left, I’ve been going down this path solo, one where it’s dark and scary and filled with danger. I could blink one moment and the next, I’d been stabbed through the heart. And, I was just expected to wear a mask and to serve the people, like his old principles.”

It was difficult to see his full expression through his white locks. “And while my overall perspective did change, it’s still a scary road to walk on. It’s cold, disheartening, unforgiving – even for sorcerers like me. It’s dark in there and I thought that I would be walking inside that empty cave alone, forever.”

The speaker probably didn’t notice the way his hand shook as he continued to reflect on his experiences. Your free arm snaked around his, tugging him closer to you, providing silent encouragement. Satoru took a shaky breath, promptly exhaling.

“Anyways, I did something that Yaga told me to do. I thought about all the times I wasn’t alone. Most of them consisted of Nanami, Shoko, Utahime, and a few others. But all of the time, you were there. No matter what the event is, you were there with me. Honestly, I thought it was annoying at first since you were probably throwing me some sort of pity party-”

You slapped his arm. “Hey!”

“-but your presence alone was something I needed. Not once did I ever feel lonely when you were by my side. You were the sunshine I look forward to seeing at the end of the tunnel.” This time, he was gazing at you, eye-to-eye. The beautiful sunset was saturated and colorless in comparison to his irises. “Even back then too. You’ve always brightened my day whenever we see each other. I looked forward to going to class because of you, isn’t that crazy?”

Beyond your flustered heart was a stomach that had been flopped and churned by butterflies. Touched by how vulnerable and raw he was, you couldn’t help but kiss his knuckles, causing a disoriented jolt from his end. “Well, I am quite known for making remarkable entrances. Is this your way of confessing to me?”

“Hmm, I was just appreciating you. But I don’t mind killing two birds with one stone.” Cheekily, he pulled you into a bear-crushing hug. His fingers smoothed your head, while his nose dug into the dip of your neck, inhaling your very scent. “I still have long ways to go, but I’m healing because of you. You are my sunshine, even in the darkest of days. I can’t even imagine who’d I become without your existence. Thank you for showing me that there’s light after darkness, my beautiful, beautiful sunshine.

Keep your heart like that and don’t ever change for me.”

—--

“Oh my God…” You mumbled, finally unclenching your fists. “Satoru you’re real.”

His worrisome glance shifted to a soft, relieved gaze. “In the flesh, sunshine.”

As the both of you walked up to each other, closing the gap after what felt like an eternity apart, Gojo traced the scars with his fingertips that branded the new you. He bit his lip and read your eyes. Still different than the ones he fell in love to, but these pairs still belonged to the one he fell in love with. Though it felt like they did not express the full amount of happiness.

There was something lacking.

“Sensei!” A young, masculine voice edged from behind. “Get away from them!”

For once, Satoru felt irked by Yuta’s presence. But a part of him did want to oblige. “It’s just my spouse, kid. Don’t worry.”

“But…” The 16-year-old wiped his lips with his hand. He was fond of you, yes. But from this rather drastic change in both energy and physicality, he questioned the same thing as everyone – whether the one about to be embraced by Satoru was actually you. After all, 19 days in the games really deplete one’s trust in others.

He trusted his teacher’s gut, but he was still curious. It was obvious that you’ve seen things, hell, dealt with plenty. As he was slowly being accompanied by other sorcerers, he called upon Kogane to pull up your information.

“Kogane.” The shikigami appeared from Yuta’s calling. Hesitantly, he pronounced your name. “How many points do they have?”

1 point for non-sorcerers and 5 for those with a wielded technique.

With a pitched voice, the liaison quirked. “This player has earned 323 points, achieving the highest points within the Osaka region! They are qualified to add three new rules.”

Still slightly confused about the point system, Gojo soaked in the number as best he could and connected it with the insanely high score. The stammer in his heart returned and his brain cycled to defense mode, demanding his body to unleash his infinity. He forced it down because it’s you.

“Why is the score so high, sunshine?” His tone deepened as he analyzed your calm stance.

Yuta repeated the number out loud in disbelief. The other contenders that briefly woke up murmured amongst themselves. “Surely points have been transferred over, right?”

When you didn’t respond to Yuta’s predicament, another player, Hakari had to pull the trigger. “Kogane, pull up their kill count.”

Satoru wanted to blast the stupid creature into bits because its pitched voice was annoying the living shit out of him too. Though mainly, he did not want to hear the results.

“59 sorcerers and 28 civilians have been killed!” It shrieked before vanishing into thin air. The results rang through everyone’s ears, though they coursed through Satoru’s veins.

You. You killed 87 people. 28 of them are innocents.

Not wanting to, Yuta gripped his katana in a ready position, while everyone else prepared their stances. Though it’s ironic from the red-handed players, they don’t know what your motive is, especially why you have points stacked up.

Satoru’s head pounded from the racketeering noises. All of his focus is on you, his spouse. The one who has a tally mark of 87. And if it wasn’t for his release, probably more.

The blast from his chest was from a familiar feeling of blindsided-ness. You, the one who refuses to hurt those who have wronged you, one who would nearly faint at the sight of blood, one who left Jujutsu for this exact reason, because your only way of obtaining cursed energy derives from humans killed by your hands.

You’ve juiced up, alright. With eighty-fucking-seven streaks. And plenty of those sorcerers were most likely reincarnates from the Heian Era.

Satoru grabbed your shoulders, shaking the answers from you. “Tell me it’s all for a good reason. They were attacking you, right? So you had to defend yourself in order to live.”

But why did you stay within the colonies?

You glanced up with a new embellishment in your gaze. It’s no longer happiness, hope, or pure darkness. Instead, it was disappointment.

Chuckling at yourself, you scratched the back of your head, smiling openly and widely. “Eh… You can say that. I was doing this so I can get you back, ‘Toru. Hopefully, when I save up enough points, I get to make rules that overwrite previous ones, but uh… I see that I no longer need to do that.”

For your entire life, you were easily discarded as ‘wasted potential’ by higher-ups, parents, and Geto. When stronger upperclassmen bullied your existence, you dared to not challenge them, because human life, weak or strong, was always valuable. Gojo would get pissed off every time you allowed yourself to get pushed like a ragdoll. But you’ve always endured it. You endured everything, because you value life, whether the life at hand is good or bad.

You threw your own morals down the trash for him. Satoru doesn’t know how to feel about that.

When the alarm faded into silence, the atmosphere waited with everyone on their toes. While the strongest was visibly panicked over the confession from the love of his life, you were casually jumbling through your experiences as though he was your diary.

“Not gonna lie though,” You bit your lip. “I am so happy that you are back, ‘Toru. But I feel disappointed that all my efforts went to waste.”

That you did this for nothing.

Satoru shook his head, ready to validate anything that you feel. But he felt dirty upon hearing what you’ve gone through, what you did. “I’ve returned to you, sunshine. You did whatever you could to bring me home and I appreciate it all. Thank you for doing this for me. But I’m back and we can stop now.”

A slight pause. “I wanna keep going.”

“What?” Nobody could believe the words you were saying. “Sunshine, I’m not following.”

“Did you hear that shikigami? I have the highest score in Osaka!” You clapped your hands together, eyes bewildered. The spark Satoru tried so hard to look for, returned. “Now, I can get the highest in all of the colonies. Honestly, killing the first few people was difficult, but the more I kept going, the easier it became. And the more I do it, the more powerful I become. I haven’t felt this strong since, ever actually. Doing this is fun!”

Horrified, Satoru took a step away from you. “Slaughtering 87 people is fun to you? What the hell are you saying?”

You crossed your arms, thinking not too long and not too hard. “Yeah. I understand why the sorcerers from the Heian did this all for sport. I know you guys want to end everything and blah, blah, blah, but I’ll be minding my own business for now.”

The issue with never studying your abilities is that nobody knows the effects that go along with it. Not only do you soak in cursed energy through the soul, but their core beliefs merge with you. And since you’ve had over two dozen kills of reincarnates from the Heian period who enjoys fighting and getting their hands dirty, your outlook on life had, uh… altered.

“And what if I don’t let you?” Satoru spoke as though he was facing an enemy. But there was an edge to his voice, a majority of him wanted to fall on his knees and wrap his arms around you, begging you not to leave him, not to commit these acts. “You’ll continue to hurt people and I won’t let that happen.”

“Oooh, you gonna kill me?” Your eyes sparked up again at the thought of this challenge. “Actually, this isn’t fair. You’re way stronger than me. Let me collect more points before we can come back-”

“- humans. You’re collecting human beings.” His voice rose as he brought his own morale that was shaped by the two most important people in his life. “This isn’t any game that is played for fun. You are taking human lives. Do you not know what you’re saying?!”

“I do.” Your smile faded to a short grin. “But ever since your disappearance Satoru, I realized something. People don’t give a shit about lives. They throw their own away for the sake of pleasure or take others in order to move up or protect their skin. All I’ve seen and realized in the apocalyptic mess we are in is that the only thing you’ll have to care about is yourself. And I, oh- I’ve been holding back for so long. I am ready to unleash who I am.”

He swallowed regretfully at the realization that the love he left behind had also left him – that the sun he looked forward to seeing had permanently set.

You found yourself and you were never coming back. You will continue to fight and kill innocent people just to achieve the top ranks. You’ve gone mad. He can’t live by that. He can’t let you live like that.

Satoru crossed his fingers together, reading into you one last time. While your eyes had set into darkness, his pooled like the ocean.

“I was looking forward to going back to the beach with you.” He mumbled softly, so only you could hear it.

“Then come with me.” You whispered, pulling him into a kiss. “Fight with me before we fight each other. Help me get stronger like you.”

As much as his heartstrings pulled at you, he stopped a centimeter away, his lips barely brushing against yours. He wanted to give in, to fall apart with you and never be mended whole. But after staying in complete darkness for what felt like a lifetime, he can’t afford to see someone who once had so much light be obscured by the same tunnel.

Satoru never met you halfway. “I can’t do that, sunshine. I’m sorry.”

When he unleashed his domain expansion, the world around him turned a lot grayer. And with you, the only source of his light gone, his skies only continue to get darker.

"You'll never know dear, how much I love you." He hummed into your ear, delicate with how he held you in his arms as you chuckled at his little parody. "I won't let anyone take my sunshine away."

He'll go as far as erasing anyone who plans to. That's his promise to you.

----

note: Daddy's home y'all. Too bad that this isn't the fic that celebrates that in a fun manner. (sorry)

Thanks for reading! here's my contribution to his awfully waited return. Been waiting 3 years for this shit LMAOOO

Interactions are much appreciated :)