— Some nights come easier than others. Some nights, she manages to sleep without struggling to find peace in her consciousness. Some nights she’s able to forget her past for a few hours.
Some nights she can’t forget at all.
Every moment of the beach fronted planet is sealed in the lieutenant-commander’s mind like a vid replaying over and over. She remembers nearly having to deal with Wrex had Shepard not calmed him down; she remembers the then-Captain Kirrahe’s speech; and she remembers her parting words to Lieutenant Alenko.
“You know it’s the right choice, LT!”
”No! Shepard, go get Ash!”
Some nights Ashley sits up, swings her legs over her bunk to ground herself with her feet on the cold floor. To remind her of her reality. That she’s here on the Normandy — and he isn’t. That she’s here fighting against reapers, monsters her rifle can’t take out with rounds alone.
A hand brushes through her thick hair. It’s grown so much since back then, though she’s tempted to just cut it all off for practicality’s sake. To move on, to finally let go and change herself for who she’s become.
Change always happens, but there’s one part of her past she can’t let go of. The memory of serving alongside someone who gave his life for the mission, despite the difference in rank, and despite the fact he was a rare biotic and she was just a soldier. It’s a decision Shepard has taken full responsibility for, and yet…
Part of her wonders still what Kaidan’s thoughts would be about the war, and about their situation. About how she and Shepard have become more than friends now.
It’s the fact she prays to be able to hear him voicing those thoughts aloud that always wears her thin. Every night, he’s always in her prayers, hoping that wherever he is, God’s keeping him safe.
It tests her faith — to stay loyal in such circumstances tests even the most faithful. And yet, she stays strong.
She lost a friend that day on Virmire, out of her control; but she will never lose herself if she can help it.
