maka-aiya

wonderer, in cases i get loud

[maka-aiya]

a niall horan wednesday

[maka-aiya]

I will pa.

[maka-aiya]

"...you know I'm pleased with what you do. But remember who you were before you started Pawssion; you were so focused on self-love, and just basically why you have Pawssion Project is because you love yourself and then it overflows na, and that's why you have all of this love to give to the animals. But you have to go back to that point na don't forget to love yourself, too..."

[maka-aiya]

existential romance has never sounded this — this good. we'll see more of each other. let me bring justice to your truth and mine, combined.

[maka-aiya]

south of the border, west of the sun // haruki murakami (1998)

~

i'm her until i feel the impulse to escape from the truths that dawns on me as i listen to certain songs. high time to call me a coward.

[maka-aiya]

cramps from crap

Two things.

One - why do I always worry about the things I don't have control over. And two - why do negative thoughts always gets the best of me.

It's so frustrating how a single bad thought can put me on edge throughout the day. I don't know if this is just hormones, or I'm just really out of my composure lately.

For fuck's sake, may I take a break? Not only from acads, but from my thoughts? Please? I feel like a ticking bomb, or a freaking alarm clock with the most annoying ringtone, about to be thrown away across the room because I'm not yet ready to face the world.

I need more sleep. I need more time. Except, I barely have time anymore.

Scratch that - I do. But it's just so ironic how I badly need to escape from my thoughts when they're all just in my head.

AAAAARGH.

Okay. Here's the plan. I'm gonna tick off as many (some minors and a plate - Jesus, I mess up when I rush) to-do's as my energy permits today. I'll plan tomorrow later tonight, so I won't get anxious. I can do this. I just have to show up, do my best today, so I won't have any regrets before I sleep.

Midterms and mercury retrograde are both mf bitches. And I have to be the bigger bitch here, or I will lose my shit.

Showing up might be the simplest act you could do, but sometimes, this counts a lot more than any grand effort you could make.

[maka-aiya]

My 12th house sun is making me think about death, always.

It has become a norm, but now that I'm aware of where it is rooted (thanks, astrology), my new mantra is to sit with the uncomfortable. All these years, I've always felt my imagination was kind of exaggeratedly absurd, which is why when I think of watching a horror movie, I know I can sit with it, but I'd choose not to watch it.. just because. No, it's not because I'm scared; I just don't want my imagination to be more 'colorful,' I guess. Yeah.

When I was in junior high school, I read this Danielle Steel novel called Star (gosh, that was such an adult novel), and it really introduced me to life. I learned how to sit with the ugly truths so much that it became the norm of my thoughts.

Like it can happen to me. Or it will happen to me.

Days before I finished the novel, I remember my father at the terrace and me looking at the view before us; it was a quiet summer afternoon - peaceful even - when I asked him out of the blue.

Tatay. Beat. Pa. Hmm? Paano kung mamatay ako bigla?

This is how such thoughts go about. It can ruin a moment. It ruins peace. It wasn't even a dark joke or anything, but most times, when my mind is drifting, my thoughts are often like this. or when someone in the family gets sick. When Nanay feels tired. Or when Tatay comes home late. When the dog sniffs unusually. Or when I get sick and think of these things. It's - it's a 12th house thing. :((

But now, I'm trying to learn to sit with the uncomfortable and, at the same time, not lean too much on it.

~

Word vomit. Anxious while typing this.

[maka-aiya]

it won't hurt to look through the rose-colored glass. sometimes.

i am finally doing it. after months of escaping from the call, chances missed, and sleeping it off (only to see snippets of it in my dreams), silent moments of sitting down with this truth of mine, i am finally doing it.

and it feels liberating. back then, it was just a romanticized idea of what if I live that kind of life? now, it feels as big as an elephant or an airplane, and i can't help but be scared as well. yet excited. i think every dream is big - big enough to scare us away. it could feel as though it's waaaay beyond our reach, but if we choose to spread our arms anyway, it might be closer than we think.

i know, this is me again getting too caught up just because of a little achievement. but hey, it took me a humongous pep-talk just to get those words out - i could cry right now, actually. i'm just really excited and hopeful about what's about to come. even if i chose to take action in what could be the busiest school year yet.

but more than what life throws at me, i'm tired of escaping for the call of comfort. i am finally taking action to know more about myself. 🌼

[maka-aiya]

i was there by your side

some days i just want to be an indie song

some nights i just want to sleep forever

most days i long for a lover

these days i couldn't even love myself to even bother

most nights i wish the bed was narrower

that way i wouldn't long for warmth i could find in my own home

i am my own home

but sometimes i wish i was somewhere i'm not even sure where

perhaps somewhere i can escape

from myself

perhaps somewhere i am friends

with my demons

perhaps somewhere i can talk to my angels

and feel less lonely like i am

right now

but i'm too boring to be an indie song.

[maka-aiya]

fast car

What do you do when your heart knows it wants something else? 🌻😭 Is this the call of comfort or the ultimate escapism from the outcome of your choices?

Back then, I didn't have much freedom (sheltered and all that sob story), more so in my teenage years where I should be exploring. Years seemed to stretch, I wished for it to tick faster. So for most of my life, I've had high hopes for college. Akala ko lalaya na ako. I didn't know it would be this.. difficult. Looks like time wants to be chased. Every chance I get to discover myself, it feels like it's too late. Every chance I realize of the things I see myself pursuing years down the line it feels I'm left behind everyone else.

More than my dreams, I seem to be chasing time instead.

I am well aware that no one's too late to start over, but the thought of the unknown has never been this threatening. What if it's too late? What if I was wrong?

Now that I can't let go of this one what if I always couldn't make time for finding out the answer, this is me saying I will make time walking on That Bridge. Even if fast cars always get in the way.

~

Woke up to an announcement of the plates we are required to finish within two weeks. 😭 I'm barely even thriving from my backlogs. Oddly, this makes me hope more. I guess I'll hold on to it. 🌻 —Alloana Ines

PS. William Knight said words cast spells, that's why when writing affirmations and manifesting activities you should sign your name on it so it will be energetically aligned to you. Well, this is my request to the universe and I'm all for ittt

[maka-aiya]

dream no. 3 or 5

we were in white

facing a mirror

touchy

and close

an invitation of a lifetime

one i've been dreaming of

but truth solid as black

so i

had to leave

and ne'er look back

alone

the sky was

just about to

reveal its beauty

blue like solitude

stars fell

and sunflowers bloomed

the promise of uncertainty

i wake

yet again confused

~

woke up late this morning. i remember sleeping after the official start of the mercury retrograde. but i couldn't quite forget the tarot card reading i listened to past 12. i was literally thinking of a 'connection' which minutes later became a notification. i don't think I'll be sleeping earlier for the next few days. i mean, plates!! T^T

and i realized just now how the start and end of this weird dream came about. white means purity and sunflowers, according to google, means a person who has loved with purity. lol.

???

[maka-aiya]

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Little things become big things over time, we just have to give them a chance.

~ Brianna Wiest

[maka-aiya]

before i continue

i knew i was doomed when after finishing my design plate 8 days past its due, i couldn't bring myself to genuinely smile. that tapos na'rin kita didn't end with 3 exclamation points and smiley with lots of chins; i just felt numb. and in those moments of silence, in my mind i was thinking

hey! at least tapos na 'di ba! ganito na lang ba lagi? sasabay nalang sa agos?

oo rush, pero bawi tayo sa next plate! hanggang dito na lang ba ang kaya mo?

mag-iimprove pa ako! arki ka ba talaga?

pota cringe.

i've expected my output to turn out that way, given that i'm such a pagong but i hate that despite knowing in my heart i would accept how it would turn out nevertheless,

aaaaall the amount of pep-talk, motivational quotes scribbled on sticky notes and posted where i can take a peek of each time i'm on the brink of giving up are all invalidated by the expectations i have with myself. as an arki student.

when the goals i set for myself have become the very source of my insecurities i knew i was setting up myself to go for a path i won't want to walk on.

and it's just sooo sad that as i am writing this, i'm not even surprised. i'm just... drifting. with this truth.

i have 3 more pending plates and i just really really want to finish them all. sana naman kiligin na ako by then. pota iiyak talaga ako.

[maka-aiya]

tuyo tasted saltier this morning

i will always be the kind to snuggle up beside nanay every chance i get, kahit late pa'ko magising kinabukasan. it's the times where i deliberately ignore my phone and the world alarm clock, and just sleep my worries away. it has always beguiled me though, that when i'd wrap my hand around her waist, few moments after i'd feel myself on the verge of crying. ugghhhhhh. but her warmth lulls me to succumb to a few hours of comfort nonetheless.

i'm not sure how she does it, but

i really appreciate it when she decides for me, failing the promise to wake me at 4 am and instead 'spoiling' us with breakfast

as if i'm not old enough to decide for myself. seriously, buo na ang araw ko sa boiled egg. . .and i am fond of imagining myself being like her: 'yong tipong paalis ka na for work, kagigising lang ng anak mo, and once they see what's on the table you could practically read their thoughts.

that's exactly what happened today. this is the kind of kilig i want to feel forever. and it scares me how dependent i am to her. haaaay. don't mind me, it's just the morning thoughts that always get into my head. :)))

[maka-aiya]

fear is what if and faith is even if

~esotarot

~

One of the readings that really resonated with me.

[maka-aiya]

ten of swords

i want to be selfish

sometimes

enough to not give a damn around me

and prioritize my peace of mind

but these waves wouldn't calm down

until i swim give

swim give

and

drown give

idk.

but it scares me too

how just

a sliver of light

the crack of dawn

or that peaceful moment of seeing the first rays of the sun

is enough to make me run towards the shore

throwing myself into the unknown

willingly drowning

to fill this void

only i can fill

not even the waters

nor the sands

of time

not even the passerby

leaving me

alone

in the tide

high

if i could just live

selfishly

i would not

give

parts of me

no one

deserves

to hold

but

why do we find it difficult to be selfless to ourselves?

Pupwede bang magbigay nang magbigay nang hindi nauubos?

~

09 20 2021 | 22:12 PM

it sucks when your days always go like one day you're happy and fine then the next day, bayad mo maging malungkot. it's so frustrating how a few moments of pain and unwanted visitors in the form of sad thoughts can invalidate all the joy you've been feeling before it [joy] pained you. it's an unending cycle. it's so tiring. and it's so hard to get out. i hoped for better words to articulate my thoughts, but i don't want to go back and rewrite this anymore. i just needed to release it before i do my freaking design plate. i feel better now. somehow.

[maka-aiya]

"how can this be the way the species is set up."

"sorry?"

"how can we be allowed to feel so much for people who don't feel anything for us?"

"you're assuming that you're normal which is incredibly hilarious."

~ lindsay and frank

destination wedding (2018)