Befriending and maintaining a friendship with a 12-houser (pt. II)
Though connection is essential to us, it can be quite hard to get close to us, and to keep in contact.
even if the connection starts off great, and you're having rich conversations, communication can get exhausting for us. 12H people are made for solitude, and it's very difficult for us to balance this need and maintaining our relationships.
Beginning a connecting/keeping contact
• the best way to capture a 12H person's interest is by starting off being genuine and emotionally open. remember, the 12th House is ruled by Pisces, making us drawn to people after being given a look into the depths of who they are, which makes that person relatable to us and triggers our empathy and desire to connect and heal. if you are someone who has been through a lot, and has a lot of insight, let them know -- that opens our hearts, and you will surely make an impression.
Piscean energy is connected to the depths of existence, and we experience life in a watery, sentimental, connected way. our hearts search for where genuine feeling is, where the darkness is so we can illuminate it with our love and transcendent optimism, where we can connect, love, transform, and heal. if you present the vulnerable side of yourself, it melts our hearts, and activates our desire to listen and to heal through connection.
just keep in mind the line between being open and trauma-dumping, which exhausts us! ༄✶
• you can discuss the major themes of your life, and the role your experiences and interests play in your life regularly and shape your thinking and perception. we want to know the deeper parts of you, and what makes the majority of your thoughts. talk about your favorite things, your interests, your hobbies, and how they show up in your life, and what they mean to you. a lot of these tips are also relevant for Cancerians.
we want to know what your understanding of your purpose is, what your understand of existence and life are, what your thoughts and experiences are with spirituality and higher consciousness, and what your relationship is like with God, yourself, and others. be bold. don't worry about seeming pretentious, but focus on the heart rather than the intellect.
what does your heart's world look like? what is the end game for you? we don't care about status, finances, accomplishments etc, and you're probably going to have more appeal if you're a loser honestly, and we will relate to you more.
be sure to ask them the same. ask them about their history, and how their experiences in life have shaped them, and what they're moving towards. ask them about their ideal self. ask them what's important to them day-to-day. ༄✶
• once you've made acquaintance, read the energy of the conversation and go from there. you may communicate through the day. you may communicate every other day. you may communicate a few times a week. someone we would communicate with every day is going to have energy that offers a lot of space -- if that makes sense -- a lighter energy that allows casual conversation with deeper bits here and there. if you have a heavy connection, maybe sending a long, letter-like message every day, or having deep discussions a few times of week would be easiest to maintain. again, also relevant for Cancerians.
please do not overwhelm us with questions -- we like questions, but personal questions regarding our situation or trivial stuff can feel intrusive or superfluous. ༄✶
Spending time together:
• asking, "what are you in the mood for today?" -- do they want to discuss deep things? do they want to catch up? would they rather just spend their time with you today in quiet company? are they feeling light-hearted, and want to skip the deep stuff and just have fun?
make sure you also communicate how you're feeling and what would make you enjoy your time most -- telling us this will make up more flexible. ༄✶
• communication and getting the essential details for hang outs is important. if you're planning a get-together, get the date, time, place you're going to meet up, what you're essentially planning to do and your expectations of how long the hangout will last if they need it. stand firm on your boundaries -- unfortunately, a lot of people with this stellium are flaky, and if your friend flakes a lot and doesn't change after you address it, just go on your way honestly. if you know someone with these placements and they just aren't a good friend still after communication, just go on your way.
that being said, for most of us, it takes a while to respond, and communicating once a day, or a few times a week, sending one long, letter-like text is a good way for us to keep in contact and keep a deep connection without getting burnt out. ༄✶
• the way we enjoy spending time with our loved ones best is through comfortable silence. spending time in the company of our loved ones and just being, enjoying each other's presence where we occasionally think out loud is comfortable for us. we like to spontaneously share our thoughts, and we like when others do this with us, as well. we like being asked what our perspective is on this or that, on you, on how the day is going, and we like hearing this in return. ༄✶
• allow them to know you genuinely and deeply, and get to know them, as well. skip trivial questions. ask questions that will give a clearer sense of who they are. for example, instead of asking, "what's your favorite color?" ask, "what does your favorite color mean to you/show up in your life?" (maybe that's a silly example, but I'd like hearing that). make observations about them, which is a good way to start discussions. ask them what observations they've made about you! ask them what you remind them of, or what they've learned or observed through spending time with you. tell them what they remind you of, how they make you feel, what you want with them. I could make an entire post about conversations you could have with your 12H friend, and how you can connect deeper. ༄✶
• be emotionally open with them, tell them how you feel about them regularly, what you want to do with them, how your connection could develop, tell them what you appreciate about them, and ask them the same. tell them about your needs, hopes, and dreams.
I think people will meet someone with 12H placements and think they have to come up with something very interesting to say; focus on the heart and connecting rather than intellectual topics. ༄✶
Knowing whether they're invested in the connection
• personally, I'm very forgiving and sensitive to how the other person feels, but that doesn't change my laziness when I'm just not really interested in talking to someone. of course, 12H people are different, and our nature is going to vary depending on other placements; consider their sun and moon and other dominant energies in their chart, and their aspects, if you know them. we can frustrating and confusing honestly, but know at least a 12H person is never going to feel completely cold or be totally apathetic to you and how you feel. ༄✶
• it does impact us when connections don't work out; it leaves an impression on us. since you can't faithfully judge a 12H person's interest in you based on how much they text or talk to you, a healthy 12Her is going to tell you that they are interested in you, but they're not in a good space to respond at the moment. I think most of us are quite avoidant, and if your person is making excuses like they're busy (they probably aren't, they're probably just tired or don't feel like talking) just let them know it's okay to respond to you whenever they're in a good enough place to. ༄✶
for me, if I am interested in someone, I'll text them as soon as I have the energy to, and can offer adequate presence. the best thing to do if your person is talking awhile to respond is just to say, "feel free to respond whenever you feel ready" and don't push further.
• we like it if you want to send stuff about your day -- telling us about little things that happened/you noticed or photos -- if there's not an expectation for us to reply. I love it when my friends check in like that and share little details of their day, but it is exhausting if they expect me to reply to everything they send. I definitely take note of all the things my friends send, but I just don't feel like replying to every single message. ༄✶
• if a 12H person just stops responding to you, it can be difficult for both parties to determine the future of the connection. I hate dropping people, and it's very difficult for me to respond if someone asks me if I want to keep talking. I think the best way of asking about your connection would be saying, "do you think we could be compatible?" or "is there anything lacking in our conversation that you'd enjoy, or do you think we're incompatible?" or "is there anything about me you're curious about or would like to see more of, or anything you'd like to show me about yourself, or do you think we may be incompatible?" ༄✶
• lastly, if your person is being super avoidant, and you're not getting enough communication, don't try to pursue them, don't send more texts, just go. I had a connection not work out recently, and I got my closure by just telling him how I felt and the potential I saw in our communication, and how I felt about the decline of our communication in a soft way without bitterness. I think closure like this would be something both parties would appreciate. ༄✶
I'm going to make a part 3 about connecting deeper to your 12H friend, and a post on the other side, with advice for 12H people on how to maintain their connections.
