one of the most important things I’ve learned (and am still learning) is that sometimes what we think is love is not really loving at all, and sometimes the things we try to do for people are a projection of what we want but we haven’t actually listened to their needs or wants
like I’ve seen people get super upset over gifts they gave people that never got used. I once listened to a coworker rant about how her mom never used the groupon she got her for a super awesome mani-pedi. “ugh I went to all this trouble for her birthday because she chews her nails all the time and she never looks after her cuticles and it barely costs a thing and she hasn’t even used it?? what’s her deal???”
but here’s the thing, is this something your mom actually wanted? is your mother the kind of woman who has any interest in nail care? have you taken any time to figure out what she actually wants and appreciates? or did you just look at her nails and decide on her behalf that she should want a manicure because you think they look bad? when in reality she couldn’t give two hoots about her nails but boy would she LOVE an excuse to splurge on books at Barnes & Noble.
giving somebody a gift they have never shown interest in because you’re interested in it is not loving.
my mom is a hoarder and I have tried to throw out things on her behalf, to try to take the weight of decision-making off her shoulders, and she has always refused or made excuses. this used to really upset me. why won’t you let me do this nice thing for you? why won’t you let me love you this way? but I had to realize that if my mom is going to stop hoarding it has to be her decision. she has to take that step for herself and she has to address the issues that cause it. and even if she did allow me to invade her personal space and clean out her studio, it wouldn’t eradicate the underlying root of her hoarding in the first place. she’d just fill up the space again in no time flat. so instead, I’ve gotten into therapy. and sometimes I bring up things I learn in therapy. and sometimes, she listens.
somebody else doing the heavy lifting for you, but never prompting you to address the heart of your issues, is not loving.
one time, I got really upset because I tried to console a friend who was depressed and he snapped at me. I tried to tell him I’ve been in a similar situation, I have depression, and I know what it’s like, but that upset him. he said I am not him, and therefore I don’t know what it’s like. and I got mad. imagine that. I upset my friend and I was more upset about my hurt feelings than his.
in retrospect, I realized I just wasn’t speaking his love language. some people absolutely need to hear that they are not alone in their struggle. I am one of those people. but not everybody is like me. what my friend needed at that moment was just for someone to silently be there. to listen, and to say, “I cannot know exactly what you’re going through, but I’m here if you need someone to talk to,” and then give him space to work through those issues. but at the time, I was so upset that the way I receive encouragement was not the way he receives encouragement, that I missed out on an opportunity to truly be the kind of friend my friend needed. we kind of fell out after that, and it’s something I really regret.
getting mad because someone’s needs aren’t the needs you think they should have is not loving.
refusing to learn how to speak your friends’ love languages is not loving.
to realize that other people are not exactly like us, and that they may require things that we don’t, seems like it should be such a simple and obvious lesson. but really learning how to love people in the ways they need requires lots of sensitivity, and humility, and a willingness to keep our mouths shut sometimes. and our pride too often gets in the way.
my pride has gotten in the way of my friendships. it’s obscured healthy boundaries. it’s made it difficult for me to be patient with my family. it’s made me forget what it’s like to be in an earlier, less-than-healthy stage of depression, anxiety, etc, and lose my patience with people I could relate to not 5 years ago. I am 26 and it’s taken all 26 of these years for me to reach this point. and gosh, I still mess up an awful lot. it is not an easy thing to learn how to really Listen to people.
I am sorry to those I have hurt with my misdirected ideas of love. with my pride. and I will probably hurt my loved ones again, and I’ll have to learn from that too. but by jove, I’m trying. and I’m learning.
day by day, I’m learning.
