Real Talk on: Miscarriages
When I was younger I always thought โIโll pop a kid out when Iโm blah blah oldโ and that it would be soooo easy that Iโd just decide, not be on the pill, not use a condom and BOOM easy breezy Iโm pregnant, have a baby, but you know what? For some people thatโs true, for some people itโs fucking torture. Last year I couldnโt believe it when I found out I was pregnant, Iโll never forget that moment I was terrified, I was happy beyond belief, every moment revolved around doing the right thing by my baby โ what I ate, the exercise I did, not stressing myself, I lay awake at night so happy thinking about my husband Bryce being the amazing Father heโd dreamed of being for so long, How I would raise my baby, keeping a record of life advice, what the baby would grow up and be, who the baby would be as a person, everything, I have never felt such intense love for something Iโd never met, It was like when you first fall in love with your soul mate on steroids. Because Iโd had implantation bleeding which is pretty normal I opted to get a scan at 6 weeks just to make sure everything was ok, Bryce & I were early, we were so excited we couldnโt sleep the night before all we could think about was seeing the little dot that was our little human, I got up on the bed and excitedly waited for the lady to tell me the jelly that they put on your tummy would be cold just like in the movies, she starts sliding it around, Bryce and I look at each other with a look Iโll never forget, a look of โholy shit this is it, Iโve never loved you more than right nowโ and then casually as fuck the nurse says โummmm Iโm not seeing a pregnancy of 6 weeks hereโ I laugh โhaha what do you mean? Am I further along that I thoughtโ โno, Iโm not seeing anythingโ โฆ My brain starts to spin, the blackness I know all to well surrounds me ready to swallow me whole, the nurse instructs me to go to the bathroom and wee so she can have a better look by scanning me internally. While I walk like a zombie to the toilet I hear Bryce asking if this is normal, can this happen โyes it can happen if the bladder it too fullโ I get my hopes up again and tell myself in the mirror to chill the fuck out itโs gonna be fine. But itโs not fine. For 15mins I uncomfortably have a machine shoved up me after she tells me that I am 100% not pregnant anymore, then searches around to make sure everything is ok, no cysts, no ectopic pregnancy, no cancer. I feel like a failure, I head into full panic mode Why me? How did this happen? What did I do wrong? Is she wrong? Maybe she just didnโt see it? I donโt understand I havenโt bled or anything? Whatโs going on? I walk to the car in tearful silence and ring my sister โIt wasnโt there, the baby is gone, it wasnโt thereโ we both cry, not only had Bryce and I been excited for a son or daughter, our families were excited for a niece or nephew, a grandson or grand daughter, a cousin and now as a family weโre all devastated, Bryce and I go home we both just cry and cry, coming in waves of forgetting then remembering for the next few days, waking up was the worst when you would remember again and then BAM waves of tears. ย I was lucky I only had to wait 2 days before I psychically miscarried, that day was fucked I just went into auto pilot - I remember being in a lot of pain, having a fitting for the DWTS announcement and not fitting anything properly cause I was so bloated, learning to read an auto cue, prepping & doing a radio show, prepping & doing a TV show, recording a TV highlight show and then doing a live announcement for the biggest TV job of my career โ All with a smile on my face, all with hysterical crying in between our make up artist would then touch up, some how I got through the day. God knows how. I didnโt eat a thing and the pain was horrible, when I see photos of that night I can see how red and bloated I am & thank Beyonce that the stylist knew how to improvise with a real bloated girl on camera.ย
We went through this pretty much in silence, sure our families knew, a couple of people we were very close to at work knew but that was it. Nobody knew why Bryce and I were weird or weirdly always checking on each other, we were silent cause we almost felt embarrassed that this happened to us, we felt embarrassed to tell our closest friends.
This isnโt meant to be a massive POOR ME, I HAD A MISCARRIAGE FEEL SORRY FOR ME, cause itโs not, I donโt want you to feel sorry for me, I donโt want pity, I want awareness. I want other couples to know that you donโt have to hide the fact you had a miscarriage, that was your baby. You had dreams for that baby. You loved that baby and you do not have to hide that, which is why Bryce and I are pretty open about it now and weโre not embarrassed to talk about it, we donโt want other couples to feel how we felt and still feel sometimes.
ย Miscarriages have this weird stigma of feeling like you failed and you feel embarrassed, like youโre the only one that itโs happened too and ya know what you arenโt! Itโs really common, a lot of women miscarry, itโs horrible but it also shows that youโre not a loser, I couldnโt believe it when women that I idolised at work who I thought had it all, that were the most kick ass powerful women pulled me aside and told me they had been through it too and shared their experience, you never wouldโve known and they both went on to have beautiful children after it. I feel a lot of hope and gratitude especially towards those two.ย
It takes a while to grieve that loss, it doesnโt leave you but does get easier. Hell I still cry in the toilets at work sometimes or have days when I just donโt want to talk to anyone cause it gets a bit too real for me and I feel left behind, but the thing is if you know someoneโs been through that, check on them, see how they are, cause it doesnโt just go away for them and people easily just forget about you and think โtheyโll be right! They had a day offโ or โleast you know you can get pregnantโ Yeah cool youโre right I could get pregnant, I havenโt had much luck getting another one in there, it also still doesnโt make the fact you lost a baby any easier.
We took a few months off trying and then the first month we tried again I got pregnant for a second time, I couldnโt believe it, itโs got to work this time, Our baby is finally here, itโs gonna happen! I drove to the supermarket to buy more tests to make 100% sure and then rang Bryce at work to tell him, Iโve never been happier in my whole life than when I saw those lines. ย This time I decided to chill out, get a blood test in a weeks time, but I couldnโt wait so I did the test, it was not good news, yes I was pregnant, but my HCG level was really low, Our world started to spin again, I did an urgent blood test the next morning and my doctor had the results but for 7 hours avoided my phone calls because she quote โdoesnโt like giving this sort of news over the phoneโ finally at 5pm she told me I would again lose our baby, She then went on to tell me that โAfter a third one, we can refer you to a fertility doctorโ which enraged me, I didnโt want to have a third one, I ended the call ran to my old bosses office who wasnโt there, so I slumped onto his floor and just cried with 2 of my friends.
The words of my doctor saying to wait for a third one rang in my ears, We decided to go see a fertility doctor to see what was going on, we didnโt care how much it cost, we just needed to know why this had happened to us. It turned out we just had 2 lots of shitty luck.
Weโve started trying again now with no luck, every month is a solid reminder of the 2 babies we lost, I wish I could just let it go but I canโt, it feels like every period is a funeral of what shouldโve been.
If you know someone thatโs had a miscarriage, Just be there, Let them feel how they want to feel, Donโt tell them โat least you know you can get pregnantโ cause everyone says that & itโs cause you feel awkward but it just feels like their loss is insignificant and itโs not, if youโve had a baby think how in love you were at the start then imagine that love ripped away from you against your will, Most would rather wish they hadnโt been pregnant in the first place than have to go through it.
If youโve had the miscarriage or even if youโre having any fertility problems whether youโre the one carrying it or the other half FEEL HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL, Donโt let people tell you how to feel, or โbe positiveโ Yeah being positive is good but youโve also gotta go through the emotions whether itโs sad, angry, cheated, frustrated, wanting to get really drunk, whatever you want to feel, just feel it, but one thing you canโt forget โ Donโt suffer in silence, talk to people about how youโre feeling, grieve for your loss and donโt ever think youโre less because you had one, cause youโre not, as my husband Bryce says โIt takes a bit longer to bake the really awesome kids, man our kid must be pretty awesome if it takes this longโ, You will get through it I promise, yup some days will be shit, but it will get better.
PS, If you have had a miscarriage, Iโm really, really, really fucking sorry for your loss, but try really hard, even when it feels impossible, donโt lose hope.
Break the silence!











