The Lone Soul @malavikaramakrishnan - Tumblr Blog

Trip down the memory lane

A quick trip down this page with over a decade of my thoughts and feelings ever so poetically expressed reminds me of who I used to be. This little girl with a big heart who dreamt of being held and loved the same way she did. Licking love off of sharp knives, mistaking the taste of her blood for the taste of love, this poor poor child who would rather die than be called just that. I see her not with pity but with pride for she is here today, alive, even if that's all she is, I am still proud of her for holding on and hanging on through some of life's darkest days.

I see how much she's grown and how far she's come. She still yearns to be loved but she does not wonder anymore if she deserves it for now she knows everyone is worthy of love so bright that almost blinds you. Just almost. There are days she cannot get out of bed, loathing in self-hate and exhaustion from the world mistreating her as usual but she is graceful and grateful for having lost as many people as she has picked up along the way. She is strong yet soft, brave yet polite, courageous yet kind, confused yet determined, loving yet stern, clever yet naïve. She is a conflicted contradiction. A beautiful one at that.

Looking back has always been painful but now there is not just pain. It is so many different emotions clouding my eyes as tears but I love her for who she was, for who she is and who she is trying to be. For she is full of love, light and life. And if I can love her so much, I can love me just as much. And so can my future self. I am everything I love in this world and more.

And here it goes.

One has to always fight for what they love I believed. And one can never fight too hard for what they love, I'd thought. I was wrong. One can fight too hard and end up holding on to the rope too tight that it has to be pried away from their cold, dead fist eventually. Atleast that's what has happened with me. I fought too hard for someone who didn't fight half as hard as me. Don't get me wrong, he did his best. This was his best. Like I said, not even half as hard mine. That's just the problem. This tug of war has been with someone almost unwilling to participate and who just put their hands up in the air, the minute the pull got stronger. And knowing me, I wasn't giving up. Ever. And so, here goes the rope, pried out of my dead fists. And my heart shattered yet again into a million pieces.

Remember?

Remember when I said this?

#You #MySunshine #MyEverything

Oh yes, it did take a lot of courage and patience for you to love and care for me through my storms. But little did I know the importance of what it takes to love someone else through their own storm.

Little did I know, your thunderstorms would shatter me slowly, one by one, bit by bit until it devoured me. And that you'd not be able to do enough, in time, to save me.

#You #MyPain #MyThunderstorm

I look at you and see everything I never dared even dreamt that I'd get. Love. ❤️

#You

You don't give me butterflies. You don't make my head dizzy. You don't take my breath away. In fact, you do the opposite of all these. You are the anchor to my swaying ship, the pillar of my monument, the key to all my locks, the compass to my explorer, the Agar to my Malsi. My strength. My love. My everything.

#OnlyYou

Only you. ❤️

Those that you seek with the purest of heart and intension shall always seek you in return.

#PrayersAreAlwaysAnswered #Always

Memories

This morning as I opened my eyes, something just hit me and I cannot stop thinking. I have often overlooked the simple things in life. Those moments that are gone and will never ever be back. I have lived and loved in some and dreaded the others, but the thought of neither of them coming back, sure does weigh my heart down. Memories of these simple moments, not the huge important ones that I have pictures of, but the very very simple ones like driving a scooty with the wind caressing my face, just the sheer tiredness and sweating from having played badminton for two hours straight, climbing up on top of the tank of the terrace to admire the sunset, drinking coconut water and asking if that shop anna is well, walking around a closed Vinayaka temple, cooking something with my sister and hoping my mom likes it (though she never did 😂), just lying down on the bed beside my sister and discussing what to watch and the list goes on and on. Its been just a year but all this feels like a million years ago. It's like my heart suddenly aches from them. The thought of all these moments gone by and never coming back. This is what I think people say "you'll know its value after it is over". Guess that's life and how it's lived. Funny that I would look back on this morning and would also maybe even miss this. I would like to think of this as an ode to the emotions overwhelming me right now, just like how a picture preserves a moment forever, words preserve the emotions and everytime I read this, a part of me will always remember this feeling. I hope. And this way the memories can live on because they are just too beautiful to be forgotten.

Life happens. All hell breaks loose. I lose track of space and time. And yet, if anything at all makes sense, that's us. You and me. Hand in hand, together we will make it all work.

#6MonthsDown #You #MyEverything

When I say I love you more, it does not only mean I love you more than you, it means I love you more than all the grains of sand on earth put together, more than all the atoms that make me up, more than all the stars out there and so so so so much more than all this distance between us.

#You #MyLove

Lucky are those who live their dreams, but I am beyond lucky. For I am blessed with you. ❤️

#You #MySunshine

Love

What is love? All these classical portrayals of love have totally confused us. Some define love as pain. Some say it's blind. Some even call it God. That's the thing about love. Everyone has an opinion about it. A perception. Well, here's mine. The one that I most disagree with, would be to say "love is blind". I don't think love is blind. I think it's all-seeing and all-accepting. Sees right through all your flaws, wanders into your darkest corners, observes your deepest fears and insecurities and yet stays. It doesn't run away. It stays. Calls you beautiful, wipes your tears away, laughs with you and not at you, inspires you to be a better human, corrects you when you're wrong, lends you a shoulder, suggests you what to wear, cooks the best food, helps you score more, kisses you when you least expect it and holds you safe in its arms as you fall asleep. This, to me is love. And love to me is YOU.

As I walked out of that door , I could feel the cold, the suffocation, the dark clouds waiting to pour, a sense of utter restlessness and the feeling of being lost overwhelming me like a wave does a pebble on the beach. All this because I walked out that door alone, empty handed, leaving behind the most brightest part of me, with you.

#You

It's been a year since our origin began with "origin" and never have I ever been this grateful to a book before nor do I think will I ever be.

#ThisDay #OneYear #Us

Anyone can nurture and admire a plant on a sunny day, but it takes immense courage and patience to care for it during the storm and love it the same way. And you, my love are amazingly patient and immeasurably brave!

#You #MySunshine #MyEverything

I look back and see both pain and pleasure, sorrows and happiness, chaos and peace, but most importantly, I see you beside me.

And that am not alone anymore.

#100DaysDown #LifeWithYou

As the days get shorter, times get tougher and life gets harder, that which keeps me going is our love, which is growing fonder.

#OnlyYou

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