obsession.
i feel as though i often always need to obsess over something. someone more so. i think it is safe to say that all of my life i have constantly been obsessed with something. my biggest obsession lasted two and a half years over one person. they did so much to me mentally and physically; good things and bad things. i find it so interesting how your mind can alter your perception of someone based on an idea of what you expect them to be based on them ticking off a few boxes that best fit you. i believe this to be where my obsession began. something was so pulling about them, i was so drawn to it. i couldnt let go and i didnt let go. even when things said otherwise about what they were, which went against my belief of them in my mind, i failed to realise who they actually were and managed to convince myself that they were something different. they were more than what they showed and this idea in my mind had overtaken that. i never really got to know them, did i? even when they told me some things they didnt want anybody knowing, i still thought i knew them. who they were was right infront of me; a liar, a narcissist, a player. because of who i thought they were at the beginning, and who i had believed they were through this whole idea i made up in my mind, i ALWAYS failed to believe and was blind to what they were. who they really were. because of this idea of what my ego wanted from them grew so big, i eventually fell in love with it and later believed i was in love with them. they had caused me so much trouble over those 2 years. i was constantly falling in and out of relationships with people because they were sending mixed signal to me so i didnt know what to do when i had gained another romantic interest in someone - not nearly to the degree of obsession i had with them. i wish they knew how i really felt about them and i was planning on way day telling them as our ‘relationship’ progressed yet it ultimately lead to nowhere. there was one turning point in all this which lead to the end of my obsession with this and that was an action they had done which they had convinced me was something they never did and thought was disgusting. and because i believed their lies i saw it as so far from them. so out of character. so when i had seen them do it. i realised i had been lying to myself this whole time. and thats what hurt the most. realising that it wasnt entirely them who was dragging me through all of this pain and hardships but myself. i was the one who was blind to it all when they were showing me who they were this whole time and i chose to lie to myself an ignore it. i was the liar after all.
