My Head Is A Jungle

When your mind is full

[myheadisajungle]

It’s happening again.

I feel it in every bone in my body.

I knew he would always be my weakness.

But I hoped I was done being in love with him.

I was.

But now?

Now it’s coming back.

And there is nothing I can do to stop it.

[myheadisajungle]

I know you and I can’t be together. It will never work.

I haven’t got those feelings for you in a long time now. But I can feel them coming back.

It’s not fair what you are doing to me.

You can’t admit that you thought about us when you already told me you never saw us that way. What am I suppose to do with that information? Just don’t care? You know I can’t and you told me anyway.

[myheadisajungle]

Okay I don’t know what to think:

I told you my feelings. I told you that I wanted you and you shot me down!

I have kept my distance! I kept myself away a from you!

And now? Now when we meet and you are drunk you touch me. You hold my hands. You say you need me. You say you love me.

I keep not looking at you for to long at a time. I keep not touching you for to long, because I know I will fall all over again.

I can’t fall again. It hurt to much the first time.

[myheadisajungle]

Have I done it again? Or am I doing it again? I’m I falling for a friend AGAIN? What is wrong with Me?

Don’t I want me to be happy? Do I have to fall for guys who I have no chance with? Who I know don’t want me? Im I that stupid? Well right now it sure looks like it…

[myheadisajungle]

It’s hard to keep fighting when you get abandoned every time. I’m tired of never been anyone’s first choice. I’m no one’s first choice…

[myheadisajungle]

So I have been thinking…

I’m in my mid twenties and I have never had I boyfriend.

I have been in love a couple of times, but always in guys I never had a chance with or bay guys.

I have always known that it wouldn’t work with these guys but I kept going waiting for the heartbreak.

Why?

I think it’s because I’m not ready. I never been ready.

I’m not the person I want to be. And I can’t love someone else the way I should without loving myself and the person I am.

So maybe I should try focusing on myself and stop looking for love. Love will come when I’m ready for it and right now I’m not…

[myheadisajungle]

So it turns out that you don’t want to have me in your life.

You contacted me today for the first time in many days and when I told you that I couldn’t see you today you said three words and hung up. No talk about how i am or how your are.

I miss you. I miss us. But the hard truth is: we haven’t been us in a long time, have we?

[myheadisajungle]

I’m done.

I’m done fighting,

If you want me in your life, then fucking come get me. I don’t beg.

[myheadisajungle]

Maybe it’s my mistake to think we could continue as friends?

I told you that I saw us as more than friends and you didn’t. We agreed to continue as friends and until now it went great.

But now I don’t know why we are friends? I feel like you see seeing me as a job. A job that you do once a week every week. And then I just think: why do we continue to see each other? You don’t want and I’m in pain every time, because no matter what I do, I will always have romantic feelings for you.

Maybe we were never friends?

[myheadisajungle]

When we are apart I’m fine. I don’t think about you. I’m happy. I believe I’m over you.

But then you come back. Then we hang out and I forget that I’m over you. I start wanting you again, even when I know you don’t want me. I look at you and I’m just, home.

I hate you so much, but love you at the same time. I know we will never work as a couple, but I still keep believing we will.

My heart simply won’t come to reason with what my head knows is best and that shit is frustrating.

[myheadisajungle]

Will I ever get over you?

Will I ever be able to look at you without any form of lust?

Will I ever be able to stop thinking about every day?

I have tired to get over you, by being with other men, but that only works in the moment. When I’m alone again I once again think of you.

My body can’t handle this anymore. I don’t sleep. I eat to much. I’m just not myself.

[myheadisajungle]

I don’t know what to do…

I miss you…

I miss us… not in the romantic way, because we never were, but just us.

Have I messed everything up by telling you how I feel? Please just come back. Let us come back to where we where…

[myheadisajungle]

So the truth is: I was wasting my time waiting for you. Wanting you.

I told you how I feel and you don’t feel the same.

So now I’m just empty..

[myheadisajungle]

What hits hard?

When you confess your feelings to him and he doesn’t feel the same…. That shit hurts like a bitch..

[myheadisajungle]

All I wanna be is yours. All I want is you. All I need is you.

But deep down I know we can’t work. I wanna stay here in our small town and grow old, but you don’t. We have different ideas about how our lives will look like in five years and that’s okay, maybe that will make this easier at some point. I’m older than you so I’m in a different place.

We never grew apart, we were always miles away from the start.

[myheadisajungle]

The problem is: you aren’t treating me right. You don’t think about me. You are actually an idiot. But when I’m with you I forget. One hug and I’m all yours again. I’m weak.

[myheadisajungle]

And now the time I feared has come.

The time where I become less important to you and you to me. Or think you are becoming less important, but maybe that’s because I never see you anymore.

We hardly never text

We hardly never talk

And we don’t see each other that much

And to be honest, I have been sad about it. I cried. I felt like my world was going to end. But now I’m just empty.

You do what everyone else has done. You leave.