Male Pattern Loneliness

A blog dedicated to emotions

[male-pattern-loneliness]

Post poning working on my exam because I know all of my friends will move back home right after and I will be all alone for months. It sucks and I'm so tired of being alone.

[male-pattern-loneliness]

Planned on getting a new tattoo but financial stuff got in the way... Probably for the best cause I haven't figured out yet what I want just some vague idea. But I was using it as a motivation to getting stuff done and now I'm a little bit aimless.

[male-pattern-loneliness]

Currently sitting up at 5 am writing this cause I have to turn in my work, but it's not done and I can't go to bed. It's like I'm punishing myself

[male-pattern-loneliness]

Been postponing a project so hard that I can't even finish it. I'm literally missing maybe 30 minutes of work and I've been avoiding it for days

[male-pattern-loneliness]

I'm almost done with the semester and only 1 year left of my degree. I'm starting to get the "just quit and start over again" itch....

[male-pattern-loneliness]

I've lost a lot of hope on getting better. Not that I think life won't get better, but like better medically. There just isn't a support network for my OCPD where I live. Therapy isn't an option because there's no system for chronic mental health problems because of budgets. The only facility I could go to wouldn't take me in because they were shutting down soon. My doctor is trying their best to get me help but it doesn't lead to anything. I'm just floating around. What's the point of doing all of this work when at the end of the day I will just end back up in a depresive period. I'm still working on myself because I have to so that I progress in life. But maybe this is as good as it's going to get.

[male-pattern-loneliness]

I was home alone a weekend some weeks ago and I wrote something close to a suicide letter. It wasn't actually a suicide letter... more like a statement over why I can't kill myself. I'm not scared that I will actually do it, but I'm scared that the thought is just always there, like a red button I can push at any time. Right now life feels like I'm just suffering so others won't have it worse.

[male-pattern-loneliness]

The hardest part about being in a relationship is feeling lonely. How my partner will help a friend move but refused to do anything but the bare minimum when we moved because they were salty about me being unhappy at the last apartment. Or how they will support their friends by going to their events but won't go to mine because they're too tired. I just want them to visit me at school when I'm working. That's all I want and they've done it once.

[male-pattern-loneliness]

I've been thinking that it's easier to be alone than to be in a relationship. I love my partner but I don't get the support I need. We've talked about this and they say I have to tell them what I need. But when they are in need I will figure it out for them. I will think about what has bothered them in the past and what has helped. And they get angry at me when I don't know what works for me. Because no one takes care of me. They are doing the basics like cooking and laundry. But that's not taking care of someone. That's chores.

[male-pattern-loneliness]

My partner was so ill when we first got together. I was and still am ill in my own way, but their illness consumes me. If I'm having a bad time they won't actually help me. They might try for a few minutes but if they get angry I will be on my own. I've put my grudges to the side to help them. I would stay up until 4 am making lunch for them. Now they're complaining that I don't do enough around the home and it's unfair they have more chores just because they're at home more. I've supported them always, and when it's my time to be supported I'm just blamed for not being able to keep up with how it used to be.

[male-pattern-loneliness]

I went for a walk today and I choked up because I'm so stressed. I used to go on so many walks when I was emotional but I stopped when I started my relationship. Because everything is about my partner. I haven't hiked a single time since we got together. I miss it so much and I miss being able to truly be alone. When spring comes I hope to be able to go on hikes again. I might get an MP3 player so I can listen to music without having my phone on me so I can't be reached. I hate how available I am.

[male-pattern-loneliness]

A friend of over 10 years ghosted me. And I'm so hurt because I thought they had died. I thought they were dead for over 1 year. And I still have their picture on my wall and I feel this intense heart ache every time I think of them. Because I'm so hurt they would do this to me after 10 years of friendship. If they didn't want to be friends anymore I would totally be fine with that and I could mourn our friendship like a normal person. But there's no closure because there was no end. At least if they were dead I could mourn them. Now I just feel like a creep for not being able to let go. I haven't spoken to them in 4 years.

[male-pattern-loneliness]

I'm hoping I get to create some art when I'm on my break from school. I really miss doing art for myself. But I miss making art for others even more

[male-pattern-loneliness]

I think the hardest part about work at the moment is the relationship side of it. Being around the same people each day can be tricky, especially when I just want to get stuff done but people want to talk to me. I hate talking. Not because it's a bad interactions, but because I get so anxious about stuff not being done. I miss having 100% control over my work day.

[male-pattern-loneliness]

The holidays have started and I'm happy that I seem to be handling the holiday side of working in a store. The sales are making people crazy and it's definitely harder to work because of the customers, but I'm not feeling too much season depression. It's still novemeber tho as I write this. Last year I started work in the middle of December and I remember just how exhausting the days were. I would go home and just lay on the floor.

[male-pattern-loneliness]

I've started therapy with my doctor since I can't get more government supported therapy. They're doing their best and have mental health experience, but I do feel the difference between a doctor and a therapist. It also feels awful to have to open up to someone I've known pretty much my whole adult life. It's much easier to have 10 sessions with a therapist I will never see again, vs my doctor who has known me since I was a teen. I guess this is really good exposure therapy for me as I've mentioned to my therapists that it becomes hard to open up once someone knows me.

[male-pattern-loneliness]

I've spent the fall curling in on myself and becoming really scared. It's scary to go to school and work, it's scary to be in a relationship. I just want to curl up and hide. I hate being seen.