i'ma text on here cuz i dnt wanna bother u by givin ur phone notifications its been like 5 days but it felt like more to me. i dont feel any happier or less stressed i just feel the opposite of those things lol i feel so far from you and i feel like a stranger to you it's not a pleasant feeling the feeling of loneliness from someone u love. i been working on my health and training and they seem to be the only thing keeping me goin because i feel like im carrying the sky with my hands like its falling down on me every night because ur words of love are what soothed me every night as if they tucked me in bed. i don't crave food anymore like the taste isn't something i desire which on surface level seems bad but it proves to be a helpful tool while i diet. i just hate how my mind hyper fixates on the details of eating like i'm aware food is in my mouth and my teeth grind and i swallow. it makes eating a chore. its been tough holding back the pet names but i hold great honor in doing so cuz its no easy task for me to do lol , i realize how mentally i always try to charm you into smiling regardless if we're in person or not. Im learning a lot about my current state of being. i greatly underestimated the sense of gloom that would come not being your other half. i want to be able to anticipate a future but my heart shuts down those thoughts to save me the pain incase you move on with life. i want to tell you i'm not happy, i'm not happy like this and maybe you are but u seem to be having a hard time too. i hope you're feeling better. this isn't something that is helping me at all i know what i want in life and there's no room to soul search for me because i just wanna live a life with u and pursue my dream as well as support u pursue yours. you're a very special woman to me and i know you are talented and smart and tougher than u think. i see so much potential in you. i dreamt of you we were at sum junky state fair type arcade it was funny as heck tho and alot of fun. work has been poot i just think all day for hours mainly about you and our memories and stuff. i know u want to believe that i will get over you but u don't seem understand that isn't something id want or enjoy and it isn't something that would be better for me it just isn't who i am. i was mad at u the other day i wrote u like 10 paragraphs at work about how mad i was cuz u gave up on me then i realized i wasn't thinking straight and i remembered how ur eyes looked while u cried the last time i sat close and all i could think about was doing my best to make you happy. i keep getting dumb thoughts that you're seeing someone else they haunt me and make this so hard to handle. i know they're not realistic but they still tear me apart. i regret telling this girl from work about us cuz whenever i get sad she tells me you'll comeback to me and she seems so certain but she doesn't have enough context to make such a claim let alone know you but i feel a small sense of wishfulness hoping shes right. i know ur probably like what the hell angel i aint gonna read ur dang life story on here and i know its a long text but i thought it'd help you get to know how i'm feeling i wish i could get a text like this from you it would help so so much. i know u feel drained around me idk if you do anymore but im starting to feel drained without you its like time gets slower and i start just watching myself from a 3rd person perspective. im gettin buff i wish we were dating so u could squish me and give me compliments. you're the only person who made me feel emotionally attractive and also physically attractive even my big ole tum, u gave me lot of confidence. i wanna get all skinnier to pursue my dreams but also to impress u lol. i dont want the summer to come without you. it makes me sad when its nice out and i cant spend it with you. id rather the day be cold and gloomy so i have an excuse to not go out. valentines is coming up and i hope we're together by then if not that will be sad its almost like we never got to spend a valentines together for 4 years. everytime something goes wrong before it. i just nap all day when i get home until i go to the gym and then i get home and sleep usually. i pretty summed up my past 5 days by myself. so yeah thts how im doin.
germansingergirl
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