Wednesday: I want to make a good first impression so I printed off some flash cards to prepare for dinner with your family. Can you go through them with me before we leave?
Enid: Sure! *reading card* I introduce you to my mom, what do you say?
Wednesday, making an awkward attempt at being flirty: Is she single? *winks*
Enid: Oh my god Wednesday! Please, for the love of god, don’t ever do that. The answer is ‘good evening and how are you doing’
Wednesday: Good evening and how are you doing. Got it. Next one.
Enid: My dad asks how your studies are going, what is your reply?
Wednesday: Easy. Last semester I studied the habits of a monster who was murdering people in the woods. I successfully learned of the identity of both the monster and the sociopathic teacher who was controlling him in a crazed attempt to murder every outcast attending Nevermore. This lead me to be captured, stabbed and almost killed before your daughter was forced to risk her life to save me, fighting a Hyde twice her size while I ran off to fight an undead pilgrim with a sword.
Enid: Baby no. The card says ‘I’m a straight A student at the top of my class’
Wednesday: Damn, I was close on that one.
Enid: No you weren’t. But okay, moving on. You sit down at the dinner table and my brother brings up sports, how do you engage him in conversation?
Wednesday: I know this one *clears throat* I am so bummed I couldn’t catch the game last night, I was arrested after new evidence surfaced in the murder case I’m a suspect in.
Enid: Is that why you were so late back to the dorms last night!?!
Wednesday: No. I fell asleep in the morgue fridges again, I told you that. I’m just saying what’s on the card.
Enid: Wednesday, that is not what it says.
Wednesday: I feel like I’m being gaslit right now.
Enid: You wrote the cards!
Wednesday: That sounds like gaslighting.
Enid: Whatever. Let’s keep going, I doubt this could get any worse. My mom’s cooking red meat for dinner, what do you bring to drink?
Wednesday: Espresso martini’s.
Enid: That’s weird, unnecessarily complicated and illegal for our age. But it’s the most normal response you’ve had since we started so I’ll allow it.
Wednesday: Made exactly as my mother does, with one glass spiked with cyanide. We Addams’ believe that a formal dinner without any deaths is a dull affair.
Enid: *considering faking her own death to get out of this dinner* I’m just gonna finish these as quickly as I can. My mom asks you what your favourite book is, please say something normal.
Wednesday: Frankenstein. I greatly admire Mary Shelly and hope to beat her record and have my first novel published before I’m 19. And once the time comes I plan to pay my respects to her genius as I temporarily emulate her morbid nature by making love to your daughter for the first time upon one of our mothers graves. Enid’s never been a patient woman so I presume it’ll be whoever drops first.
Enid: …just ‘Frankenstein’ is fine baby. And we’re not doing that. My dad asks about your hobbies, how about you pick something that won’t make my family question my sanity for choosing to date you.
Wednesday: Murder, serial killers, grave digging, exorcisms, murder mysteries, creepy abandoned buildings, waking the dead, killing the undead, centuries old mental asylums, making out with your daughter, reading and working on my novel.
Enid: Scratch out the first ten and we have a winner.
Wednesday: Your censoring of my personality is making me sound very boring Enid.
Enid: Parents like boring sweetheart and you love lying. You’ll have to time of your life pretending to be normal, I promise. Okay, last one. My mom begins— seriously?
Wednesday: We don’t have all night Enid.
Enid: *rolls her eyes* my mom begins clutching her throat, choking and foaming at the mouth, she has been poisoned for being mean to Enid, how do you react?
Wednesday, casually leaning on her desk: I’ll have what she’s having am I right? *slips an empty vial into her pocket* I don’t know who I should frame yet, I’m thinking I’ll know in the moment.
Enid: You’re lucky I love you.
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