Learning to Trust Yourself
This weekend I got sick. Like, layed flat out in bed with a cough, crazy sinus pressure, a clogged ear, no appetite, and, to top it all off, lots and lots of toning contractions.
I should mention that I don't get sick. Ever. I'm the only one in my family who never got the chicken pox. But I did get the strain of the flu that they were vaccinating for (we never got the shot, normally, but that year my mom was working and dad was taking us to doctor appointments) when I was 10. That's the kind of sick I get.
It's probably a combination of being 8 months pregnant, living in a house with people who smoke (yeah, and there's even a balcony!🙄 Don't get me started) and being a couple of islands away from an active volcano.
So, I don't normally sick. And I've never had to deal with any kind of respiratory or sinus illnesses either. It's all Greek to me and totally freaked me out. I'd already been having a hard time breathing thanks to my giant uterus squashing my lungs. So with the added cough and congestion I really felt like I was drowning. Which is probably what freaked me out so much. I would hate to die from drowning. I've been a swimmer my whole life and prided myself on being so comfortable in the water that I could sit under the surface for minutes. It was always bliss for me, taking a huge gulp of air and slowly letting it out until I sank to the bottom. I'd close my eyes and cross my legs like I was meditating. And really, I was. That is my happy place. But my biggest fear is drowning, losing that control of my breath, gasping.
My ear was killing me and I wasn't sure if it had already turned into an infection if it hurt so much. So I took myself to the doctors, only to have them tell me, " No ear infection, but sorry, you're pregnant, so all we can really do is tell you to rest and stay hydrated. Have you tried hot showers?" What a waste of two hours where I could have just been resting!
I took a hot shower with my eucalyptus wash cloth when I got home, my nose draining yellow fluid. Still, my ear stay clogged. I made myself a black bean and corn soup thing because I knew I needed something in my system. I ate a few small bites and felt nauseous. Crying, I forced myself to lay down and go to sleep, to just surrender to the tired acheyness that was my being. My baby gave a swift kick which sent me into a painful coughing fit, urine leaking from between my legs. Thank God for chux pads. I've been sleeping with them since getting the cough. My love asked if I needed anything, and I just told him how much I hated being sick and what a waste going to the doctor to had. "I told you to rest, you just need to sleep, love." Sometimes *I* get so stuck in my fix-it mode that I forger not everything can be fixed. Still learning. Finally, I settled, head titled and upright, trying to drain the ear.
I woke up on Sunday morning and it was clear! Holy hallejuah. Still congested, though, my brow and cheek bones throbbing with the pressure. Still leaking yellow fluid whenever my head was titled at just the right angle. Was this how I'd lose my dream of freebirth? Only a few weeks to go and it seemed like I just couldn't shake this sickness. I'd had the cough and sniffles for over a week when I got hit with the crazy congestion. What if I didn't get better before I went into labor? What if the baby comes early because I'm sick? What if what if what if...?
My mind spiraled in my congested haze, I was in an in-between awake-asleep place as I'd been napping on and off all day. Tears streamed down my face as I imagined having to give birth in the hospital for any number of reasons. I fell back into a deep sleep, still crying.
I doubted myself and I doubted my baby. When I woke up again, I got in the shower once again, with cool water to soothe my body. Everything was coming out of my nose, a coughing fit started again, and I began to vomit from the heaving coughs. My uterus tightened, a band of pressure all around my belly and lower back. I leaned forward and moaned, swaying my hips to ease the tightness. I held my belly and talked to baby, asking how they were doing, reassuring them that I was doing my best to get better, thanking them for staying inside so that they'd be healthy and strong. The tightness released as I felt my baby stretch, head pressed against my cervix. I at least felt well enough to get myself some soup and Gatorade, so I trekked to the store.
When I got back my partner had some herb waiting for me to help with my nausea. This allowed me to eat the soup and I felt loads better. I noted and reminded myself to just listen to my body, it always tells me what it needs.
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