I'm not sure if I am the only one who gets like this but after having a giant emotional breakdown I always feel groggy. My head feels like it's 1000 pounds, it feels exactly like a hangover. I feel emotionally dead and sadly water can't fix this feeling. At least not all of it. "Hydration fixes everything!" That's what everyone says but I don't think it can fix how I mentally feel about myself.
Today I woke up, groggy and in pain, BUT I woke up early for once. Early as in 1 pm but it's way better than 5 pm. I did nothing all day and my mother kept lecturing me about how I needed to fix my sleep schedule and start doing things, "you need to find a job," yes, thank you, I know that. I feel like people don't understand the amount of pain I am in every single day. Let's see if I can describe it! My bones hurt, and my muscles are so tight that sometimes I feel like I will tear them. I can stretch all I want but it doesn't do shit. Each joint aches and hurts. If I don't crack my joints I can't move. At this point, I think I have arthritis in my neck and back because it's rice crispy treats. Snap Crackle and POP! The tightness from my neck creaks up into my head causing headaches or migraines to the point I can't even think. I get this feeling of wanting to tear my head right off of my neck or smash my head through a wall because I can't stop the pain. Sometimes even my goddamn organs hurt for no reason. My hands sometimes don't want to work, at times I can't even itch a scratch I have. My knees and ankles lock like a dairy that shouldn't be opened. I just want that fucking key so I can run and do what I want but I'm almost 33 years old and I'm locked up in this old lady body. This is why I can't work, this is why I can't function, this is why I'm depressed. Doctors say nothing comes up on the blood tests, it's not that bad... Bitch I think I can physically tell you it is bad. This is only about twenty percent of what I'm even going through and feeling.
I went for a very slow walk today with my mom. She's staying with me for two months during the summer. At least I walked, I may have looked like a zombie but I did it. Then I went home, laid down, and did nothing. I even had to cancel my stream today because I mentally couldn't do it. I complain about how I don't do shit and I don't know who I am anymore but yet here I am laying around still doing nothing. I could be reading or drawing, I could have even gone to the grocery store to get what we needed with the zero dollars I have. Nope, I did nothing. Now it's late and I'm hating myself again for not taking the opportunity.
Speaking of reading, a long time ago back when I was in another deep depressive state about all my ex's destroying my ego and who I am as a person, I was told to read a book. The book is called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. This book saved my life 9 years ago. I had ex after ex after ex destroying me. I think it was all four exes in a row that killed my spirit and kind of made me who I am today. There was a time in my life when I broke apart so badly, Imagine if you could shatter like expensive china, that was me, scattered all over the floor. I hit such a low point that I mentally shut off. I had no emotions, no empathy no tears, nothing! Back then I cried a lot and never hated people, I had nothing but love for everyone. This book helped me move forward and I think it's time to read it again. I at least went downstairs and grabbed the book!
Now what do I do, I did nothing for self-growth today. If anything I went backwards. I love streaming more than anything but today a part of me said maybe I should quit, throw in that towel, and watch everyone else easily succeed. No one tells you how mentally hard it is to stream. It's so inconsistent and so many people come and go. I'm also so fucking tired of hearing how easily they hit affiliate and partner. How in the fucking world are people getting partner within one year of streaming??? I hate to be salty and jealous but what the actual fuck. I work so hard and care so much for my community that it pisses me off. I know I'm not attractive/hot and sometimes I have a hard time carrying a conversation but god damn. It hurts but not enough to motivate me to start working out. These body pains can't handle working out. I don't even want to get started on social media, that's another thing pissing me off. Nothing moves unless you do something "trending" like a dance or I don't even fucking know. I don't have an extravagant life, I don't have money and I don't have the health to just go out and be spontaneous. I only have me but that's not enough and I try not to take it personally it's just me being me trying to have fun and connect with everyone but it's not enough, it's not good enough. People don't stay long enough to see the amazing things that I can do. I'm just not good enough and I don't have the money or attractiveness to keep people around. Man, when I was in my prime years ago I would have gone so far with streaming!
I guess that's enough ranting for today. I know I need this book tonight. I hope I can get through the first chapter.
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