So, ang dami kong time. Yung dapat na exam ko mamaya ay namove kaya naisipan ko nalang magtumblr kasi namiss ko na.
This post is all about my fears regarding relationships because I’m currently at a critical point where I need to choose whether to enter one or not. I decided to list down all the fears I could think of. Hopefully, this will help me make a decision.
Entering a relationship is not as easy as going to a concert and playing your role as an audience. It’s a two-way system wherein you need to participate. You need to sacrifice a lot of things, you need to divide yourself. You need to remember that everything is not the same as before. Being in a relationship means taking care of yourself so that your partner won’t worry about you but being in a relationship also means sacrificing your everything for that other person to be well. I used to decide only for myself but now I have to think about a lot of things before making decisions. I have to inform my special someone about my plans. Often times I sound cold when I forget to update him. The truth is, I rarely give updates to anyone, even to my parents so I’m still adjusting. I feel guilty because he tells me how cold I reply but that’s just how I was before. I don’t know if I should change. I think I should. I feel guilty every time he’s hurt, But I used to think that I shouldn’t change myself when in relationships. But idk anymore. Perspectives really do change.
My number one fear of all time: to be left alone. I’m used to being alone but if you mess with my life and decided to leave me in the end, that is where I break down. Entering a relationship is giving power to another person to hurt you, whether unintentional or not. Our relationship barely started but why is the pain intense already? I’m scared that in the future, the spark will die and all we have left is the fear of our spent time with each other being wasted. What if he loses interest with me? What if he finds someone better? or what if he realizes something in the middle? I’m scared if I’m risking my time to something which will not stay with me until the end. Nothing in this world is permanent. Please show me that there is.
The past continues to haunt my present. The thing is, I made a wrong move. I stalked him and I found the silly things he did with another person. It hurts like a stab of knife. I found myself in warm tears but it’s not even his fault. It’s in the past yeah but I can’t keep the pain from coming (??). This is the most foolish fear I have because of the fact that I can’t change the past. Additionally, I have a strong feeling that his past girl still has feelings for him. I mean, she doesn’t talk to him casually suggesting a hint of bitterness. Yeah I get it, it’s not easy to move on that is why every time I do sweet things with him, I think about this girl and how she must be hurting right now. All I feel is guilt. I feel like I’m in the way of something. I’m thinking what if the spark between them comes back and I’m only a character in their story to spice things up a little bit. Am I a main character in this story or is this not my story?
4. His family and friends
The people surrounding him scares me. First, his friends are not the type of friends I’ll mingle with. They are a bunch of extroverts that an introvert will find hard to keep up with. They’re the kind of people I avoid to keep my life drama-free. So I’m scared that my lack of socializing skills will become a hindrance for the success of our relationship. The same thing goes with his family. Honestly, I’m intimidated. His family’s too big compared with ours. Ours is almost falling apart. I don’t know how I’ll be in the future. I hope everything goes well.
I have so many insecurities and they exist for a reason. Why do I feel like I’m scamming him? I feel like if he gets to know my deepest side, he’ll get scared or he’ll judge me and leave me. He keeps saying he accepts me for who I am but how do I know if those are just words driven by impulsive feelings? What if the feelings die out and fade away? I think like this because I’m a witness of love dying out. I don’t wanna end like my grandparents. I want that constant love with no end. I don’t need a passionate love. I just need love that will prove to me that permanence is just a construct.
Everything is happening so fast. Soon, I need to make a decision.
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