maggie

[manglethemagpie]

Missing

It was so great I wish I'd never experienced it

[manglethemagpie]

11.05.25

Always Observed, Never Seen

I watch you watch me, or at the very least, what improvised photography I'm putting out.

I almost wish you didn't, I like to yearn.

More so, you keeping an eye on me almost bothers me, like the unknown value that is your thought process.

I don't like you seeing that I'm doing better.

In the past, I might have given you some due credit for my improvement as a person.

In all enlightened honesty—that's bullshit.

You're as good as they come; it was quite the opposite for me, I regressed.

Craving, gushing, indulging.

I became a set of behaviour to force-feed those closest to me.

No more of that; everything's bound to an end.

Even my love for you.

And that's alright, I'd rather not differentiate.

I love all.

I hope I find the strenght to save up some of it even for you.

Despite how evidently I resent you, my dear.

[manglethemagpie]

cope lol

11.05.25

Am I healed? I don't quite think so.

I've just been granted bandages and oxygenated water

[manglethemagpie]

Weight of the World

12/04/24

cw: body image

Satiety,

Unbottoned pants

and skin's that's way too tight

Unmovable, stuck in contortion

Engulfed in plastic wrapping

I wail from within the confines

Of a grease-sodden carcass

Ripping those garments off

Scraping that exhuberant flesh

To feel whole again

With this growing appetite for moulding,

Up until I rot, albeit

I'll still have to eat

[manglethemagpie]

Self the Hate

10/25/24

Lately one of my friends has been opening up rather apprehensive conversations. I don't really want them to know though.

Just leave me to my shit. Besides, I can't really help it anymore, How would I even use your help? I've never engaged in anything apparent. I'm good as long as I don't have to wear short pants. As intended.

Whoever sees my thighs is someone I trust enough to. So I guess I can trust them with that as well? But I've been playing that scenario over and over in my head and I'm not sure how okay I am with it anymore.

Can I really do that to someone? Could I do that to someone . . . like him? Isn't it awful to allow someone to see you that way if they care? Although it's also true how some people tend to take you less seriously for your problems when your openness about them is such as to almost make you seem proud. Oh, don't you be mistaken. Pride is something I reserve for success I take for granted, not what debilitates me from attaining it. The question thus arises quite spontaneously: Is the vitriolic urge of vindication stronger than my love for him? For anyone? Fuck, I'm not bragging about my problems, you dunce! What kind of mental gymnastics does the collective undertake to reach such conclusions?

I just . . . don't know what to do with them anymore. That's how I show you I like you. By showing myself to you at my unfathomable core. And I can't stand the idea of pushing you away by doing it. So I don't anymore.

It's what's hurting me the most. Hardly ever healing, Unlike those real wounds I carry. The body truly is a wonderful system, does wonders to put you back in piece. Even though your mind just wants to stay broken. Or maybe it's reinvigorating itself just so it can have a blank slate to work on. Perpetually. Power of the mind. It gets what it wants. It gets what it deserves.

[manglethemagpie]

Loveless

22.10.24

Making someone realize they're deserving of love just so you can realize it about yourself.

Who am I even trying to win over here?

[manglethemagpie]

I Still Won't Leave

12.10.24

Am I seriously starting to dislike you? Or is it just the distance? Did the infatuation drug finally wear off and allow me to lay witness again?

What's certain is that you're not the one who has to compromise with my flaws and grant me his magnanimous grace.

I do so by myself alright I reckon. I eradicate whatever grievances people have with me. I'm trying to survive.

But it is true. You have grown accustomed to a girl just giving it her all for you.

But why? Why is it that I'm the one in the wrong.

There and everywhere else. Why must I fundamentally shift and adapt? To you...to all of you.

When there's people who make me feel as if I don't have to. People who are perplexed at everychanging me.

"Why do you do so?" they'll ponder. "You're great. As is."

Who do I believe? Who do you believe?

[manglethemagpie]

Music Boyfriend

10.10.24

Bawling my eyes out over not being followed back on Spotify.

[manglethemagpie]

I Don't Like You Enough As a Friend

10.10.24

I'm an awful friend. And so deceitful.

I lied when I said friendship was alright.

It's not. It's unbearable.

And I'm stuck in it. I rue the day I developed these god forsaken, contaminating feelings.

'Cause I truly enjoyed our talks, I was disengaged whatsoever and still chose to engage in them.

That was the real connection, but then i got sick again.

And it spoiled, rotten.

I hate carrying this disease. I hate being contagious and involving people I feel for.

I'm sorry.

The only remedy is one that would rupture us and I can't do that to you. Though I could do that to me. What wouldn't I do to myself if it meant greater good?

It's worth making you a little happier...Though I'm not so sure it does anymore.

God, these doubts again. Am i just a bother? Why do we still talk?

You were very close to leaving as well.

What's the guarantee you'll stay?

Are you already making compromises?

Are you looking for an excuse to leave once more?

God, is this my fault again?

Is it episodic?

Should I be upset at you?

Was what you said really as fucked up as the extent to which it fucked me up?

But I really can't blame you. For anything.

Even though it did scar me, man.

Like all those other things in my past I can't clearly recall.

It gets the more confusing with each passing day.

[manglethemagpie]

Emotionally Cheated on A Guy Who Cheated Me

10/08/24

How do you know if you're being taken advantage of?

At a certain point one becomes accustomed to being used so much they don't even mind being touched by strangers.

Was it consensual? Did I send the right signals? Do I even have that in me or does the desperation wrap me up and tie me with a bright green ribbon all over?

I'm just happy to be have been good.

Everyone hurts me inadvertedly, you do as well. And it's my fault for letting you, inasmuch you never intend to.

It's a bad combination, really. I should leave but I don't like doing so.

And I want to witness the extent of that irrational distress of mine.

[manglethemagpie]

If You Wanted To, Would You?

10/08/24

Would you have already sought after me if you wanted to?

Did you ever even care? Do I trust what I know, the negative bias, the neverending fucking dialogue that filters anything good we've had, leaving me empty.

Or do I trust you? To find me whenever you can, when the time is right.

Loving you is letting go of everything I've ever known, but who even am I without the unrelenting doubt. The assumption that I'm meant to be left alone.

Maybe I won't think for once.

[manglethemagpie]

Mutual

07.10.24

Why doesn't addiction go both ways. Why don't you feel the need for me?

I was ready to lose it all. The sleep. The time. Just so I could have a crumb of you.

But I don't need you, do I? Maybe I can try to disappear. For you.

Disappear from you.

Like you almost did back when he really wanted me.

Back when I was held and kept as someone else's. But even when possessed, I was still yours truly. In those brief moments of lucidity I truly felt like a traitor.

We never even made a pact.

[manglethemagpie]

People-Pleaser

And I'd give into ease and simplicity.

I'd relish in those hugs and kisses and being genuinely adored.

But I'm one to give. I've loved receiving, but that's just not how I function. I want to give it all away. That's why I can't let you be.

And I hate myself for it 'cause being is all that you need for it to be enough.

I'll let you be.

[manglethemagpie]

I Love to Hear You Happy

24.09.24

And it sounded like you smiled.

Don't think there was anything you were telling me worth smiling about

So the thought does linger:

Could it really be That what you really smiled for Was speaking to me?

[manglethemagpie]

BitterSweet

21.09.24

Why did you have to call me those sweet names.

Now i'm just bitter.

[manglethemagpie]

Shower Thoughts

22.09.24

The hottest shower setting isn't enough for me to feel the rush,

But what is it that i'm craving when we've never even touched?

[manglethemagpie]

"True Love Will Find You in The End"

21.09.24

But it did find you didn't it?

And what did you do about it?

Love cannot find you when you choose to shield yourself from it.

When you just run and hide.