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Five Hargreeves Meagalist

Hello, I don't really monitor this blog now, but I used to write aged-up Five Hargreeves smut. Sometimes also not smut. But mostly smut. This is a compendium of my work. Enjoy.

Request status: Closed Request info + rules

[Based on behaviour I have become aware of on here: I know saying 'don't plagiarise my shit' will do nothing to stop actual plagiarists, but just know that, if you do, you are no better than ChatGPT and will not see the light of heaven.]

One + Twoshots (Tumblr Exclusives)

Not Smut (G-M rated)

Tickle War | Five Hargreeves / GN Reader (Fluff)- Words: 1.5k

Dickhead Sugar Daddy | Five Hargreeves / GN Reader (Angst/Fluff)- Words 2.8k

Two Old Men | Five Hargreeves / GN Reader (Fluff)- Words 3.3k

No Blinking! | Five Hargreeves & 3 y/o daughter (Fluff) Words: 3k

Twelve Feet Away From the Mistletoe Part 1 | Part 2 | Five Hargreeves / F Reader (Fluff, angst) Total words: 5.8k

Senseless | Five Hargreeves/ GN Reader 1.3k words, Rated T/M (Angst + steamy)

Strings Attached | Five Hargreeves / F Reader (Steamy angst)- Words: 4.8k

The Changeling | Five Hargreeves / F Reader, Five Hargreeves & 8 y/o daughter (hurt/comfort) Words: 7.7k

Smut (E rated/18+)

NSFW Alphabet | Five Hargreeves/ F Reader - Words: 2.4k

Two Items of Business | Five Hargreeves/ F Reader/ FReader- Words: 2.1k (kind of a crackfic. Not my best.)

Goddamn Darling | Five Hargreeves/ F Reader- Words: 2.1k

If Tonight Was Our Last | Five Hargreeves/ F Reader- Words: 2.4k (mild smut, probably between M+E ratings)

Boy Wonder | Five Hargreeves/ F Reader- Words: 2.7k

Lucky Fucking Pillow | Five Hargreeves/ F Reader- Words: 3k

In Your Hands | Five Hargreeves / GN Reader - Words: 3.1k

The Birthday Boy | Five Hargreeves/ F Reader- Words: 3.8k

Your Desperate Man | Five Hargreeves/ GN Reader- Words 2.8k

Venus and Cupid | Five Hargreeves/ F Reader- Words 4k (inc. fluff, romance, hurt/comfort)

The Birthday Girl | Five Hargreeves/ F Reader- Words 2.8k

The Pandas and the Conservationist Part 1 | Part 2 | Five Hargreeves/ F Reader - Words 11.8k.

Xmas fic (E rated/18+)🎄🤶🎅

Series + Multichapter fics (best read on AO3)

Hard Feelings (E rated/18+) : 6 parts

You're Five's latest assassination target, but things don't go to plan and now he wants you as his fuckbuddy. What starts as a casual relationship soon comes to mean everything to him, but what can Five bring to a relationship? After 45 years alone, (or almost alone), how do you rebuild your understanding of partnership? Five has to listen, learn and face the future as well as his past.

Includes: No Hard Feelings Before A Fall Flesh and Blood Arrow of Time After We Fall The Years Between (oneshot collection)

READ ON AO3 READ ON TUMBLR

The Neurosis of Five Hargreeves (M/E rated): 2 Parts

Covering Five's readjustment to society post season 3. This series uses prose, monologues, transcripts, and case notes to explore Five's mental health demons, delusions, and recovery from decades of apocalypse trauma.

Not canon compliant. In this household, season 4 never happened.

Includes: Alias Number Five She

READ HERE

The Moth and The Spider (E Rated): Please heed tags.

Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the fear, or maybe some sick, twisted part of him was titillated. Even looking back, he never knew. In the dark of nights years in the future, he couldn’t help linking how it turned out to this one mistake. Perhaps if he’d fought her just a little longer, it might never have turned into what it did- perhaps it would never have gone beyond that first night. In fact, it seemed likely: that’s how he knew it was all his fault really.

The Handler knows Five will be a difficult agent to control, but she also knows how to exploit his weaknesses.

READ HERE

My Kind of Deli (E Rated)

On the day the world ends, you mess around with one of your professor's experimental machines only to find yourself in a delicatessen full of a guy you used to know. A guy with whom you have...unfinished business.

Stuck at the end of the world in a deli full of desparate Fives? What is a gal to do?

A fun fix-it romp designed to make me feel better about the disaster of a season we just had to endure. Canon Five is dead, long live Brisket and the Deli Fives.

READ HERE

Headcanons

Usually based on Tumblr asks:

SFW headcanons because I am capable of them y'know

Cooking

'Not like other girls' girls

Five hates himself

Five as the father of a son

S4 speculation

My dreams for Five in S4 (boy, was I disappointed)

Why Five's favourite word is "shit!"

What would Five look for in a partner?

Would Five be ok with not having kids?

A guide to flirting with Five

Five and Wordle

What did Five do in the apocalypse? (mention of masturbation- not graphic)

Five's enjoyment of murder

S/O stealing Five's jackets.

NSFW headcanons ah, safely back in my lane

NSFW alphabet

Five's relationship with the Handler (triggering content)

Five with a menstruating S/O (NSFW only because references sex)

Five + submissive pillow princess

Hargreeves brothers sharing sex tips

Five and flirtatious jokes (mild)

Mannequin banging: part 1 , part 2

Apocalypse sadwanks

Five eats pussy like a madman

Rising briefly from the dead to tell you about a dream I had about TUA S5.

No idea how they were all alive, but Luther had become a Benoit Blanc-esque detective (love that for him) but the majority of the scenes were Five begging Lila for sex/affection as they rode on a motorbike. She repeatedly said no and described in graphic detail how good Diego's cock was until Five cried. And then, in my dream, watching my TV, I thought: 'Jesus, Aidan. You could have just turned down the script. This is just demeaning.'

(Also, hi guys. Hope you're all well. I'm currently writing an 'Anne with an E' fic over on Ao3 because it's cute as balls and writing original fiction is hard.) Over and out.

#What Five deserves honestly

how are you

Happy, alive, busy, creatively depleted. Yourself? :)

Just popping in to say I think about you often and hope you're doing well!!! I love to re-read your stories, and I'm very glad you chose to leave them up<3 Not sure if you'll see this but no obligation to respond of course.

Logged in for the first time in ages! I am well thank you. I'm very busy and enjoying my work so life is pretty good. Hope you're doing great as well.

i like your hard feelings series very much. i want to come here just to say that i believe that your 4th instalment may benefit from an extra warning tag for the scene where five is physically 13 and is assaulted by the handler. feel free to correct me if im wrong and ignore me if I am, but i didn't find any warnings for underage. only non-con. i really would recommend adding this, purely so that some readers such as myself can be able to enjoy without being triggered. obviously the whole part of the series is very heavy, i just think when we're bringing child boy five into it, it definitely requires that extra warning. i really hope you dont take this the wrong way englisn is not my native language

Yo. I have no idea how long ago you messaged me this as I haven't logged in in MONTHS. I think perhaps you misread somewhere as Five is not assaulted by the Handler when in his 13 year old body. He just has an intense premonition that he's *going* to be and then feels wrongfooted when nothing happens. Now, you *could* argue that since it evokes the idea of pseudo-underage assault that it would benefit from the warning, but it's a grey area and that scene was more about Five's psychological state than anything else. Also, I'm sorry you found it triggering. I hope at least that the existing trigger warnings encouraged you to tread carefully around it given that you have trauma in that area and you were able to come out of it okay. <3

The description of being in a long break up with TUA is something I can relate to so much. I am mostly on instagram these days and I get a bitter taste in my mouth whenever I see edits of S3 because it reminds me how much I loved this show and used the wedding episode for comfort, and then it was all taken away from me. I feel like being cheated on, literally. I share your pain, expressed it many times here already, and your description of what you feel like when seeing Ritu and all the other things you said in your last answered anon asks confirms to me yet again we suffer the same. A piece of media shouldn't effect our lives so much indeed, but we are only human. Logic isn't always in our power. Some things that makes us feel bad, but we shouldn't feel bad for feeling it.

I don't know when or if you will ever read this. Your blog is and always will be my escape, and you and your fics brought me joy many times. If you might never log in again, I just want you to let you know how incredible and talented you are. Take care of yourself, and I support you wherever life and your muse leads you. - ❤ Your dear anon

Full on made me cry. I popped in just to answer a few little bits, and I'm glad to have caught this. I hope you continue to enjoy my stuff and I don't plan to ever take it down unless Tumblr decides to deactivate.

i understand where you’re coming from for a long time after the season aired i read so many s4 rewrites and even made up some of my own in my head. it took up so much of my brain space and time where i kept dwelling on what could have been, the potential the show had and how much it meant to me before they did that. it got to a point where i just had to force myself to stop seeking stuff out about it and ive been feeling better since i removed it from my feeds. it’s unfortunate losing a piece of media that i was attached to since for me i literally started adulthood (i turned 18 right before season one aired) and it’s hard to think about but ultimately only you know what’s best for you and it’s just a show as painful as it is to kind of accept. much love to you.

You too <3 <3

Please just ignore season 4. The show just got cancelled. It was another Jayme hallucination/Diegos nightmare but they didn't want to pay the actress too much so they cut her scenes

Haha! Believe me, I've done so many mental gymnastics on this thing, but I'm done.

I had a panic attack on the tube because it reminded me of the S4 subway. That's not normal. It's healthier for me to leave and try to forget I think.

Hi i just wanna say i love your stories and i just wanna say thank you for helping me get through the days with them cause life has been kicking my ass from left to right and i use fanfiction to help me stay somewhat afloat. I understand the deepseated sadness and frustration the 4th season has caused and with kaybreezy quite litterally leaving i feel like it has put the nail in the coffin. There stories are on ao3 so thats great but you were the one that made me really get into it. You were the first persons stories i saw and i remember laying down and just reading your stories and i get giddy when i read them and so excited. I dont know if this is selfish but im not ready to let go yet. Im not ready to leave this house im not ready to turn off the light and pack it up. I wanna help fix the fandom i wanna repair and invite everyone back into the house but i dont know how. I dont know how to go about doing that. Im sorry i dumped all of this one you but i dont know where else to go. Nobody else around me likes umbrella academy or five and im not dating anyone so i cant talk to them about it. I dont know where to go or what to do. Im so sorry i vented. I couldnt keep it inside anymore.

Hey. I don't know how long ago you sent this message, but I just want to say I'm with you in solidarity. I've been through so many emotions with this and I can identify with the feeling of wanting to rebuild, even if I'm no longer at that point myself. I'm so glad you enjoyed my stories. I have no intentions of taking anything down, and I also have no issue with people remixing or writing their own sequels to them if that's something people would be interested in. It's not selfish to not want to let go. I'm still undergoing a long long breakup with the series, and it makes me sad to think there will be a point where I log out of Tumblr never to log in again, but it's also necessary - yknow? We all move at our own pace.

Much love x

mangoshorthand

So...is The Umbrella Academy a dead fandom now? I feel like there are a few of us here keeping the lights on but that's about it.

Maybe there's this huge, active world of Five/Lila shippers somewhere which my tag blockers are successfully keeping at bay, but otherwise it feels like a bit like a dead mall.

A dead mall with 50 lovely people in there, but a dead mall nevertheless.

distracted-milkshake

I gotta say my love was a slow bleedout, genuine rage fading to this numbness I’ve never felt for anything before, but it is so, so hard for me to not find all the adoration and time I put into this show so utterly… and I can’t think of any other word but pointless with just how completely ruined it was.

Other fandoms I’ve been able to ignore things like seasonal decay, killing off characters, disregard for previous characterization, it seems to get back on track or I can ignore it entirely, but Umbrella Academy’s ending wrecked its characters so wholly I can look at them without feeling upset and betrayed.

I sincerely hope I’ll be able to watch season one again someday and feel as in love with this show’s characters and world again as I was before, because after all, I’ve written over 100k words in fanfic, breakdowns, analyses, and review, more than literally anything I’ve ever made, and I’d hate to never go back to that, and despite how bitter I am, I don’t regret being a part of this fandom for even a moment.

So to answer your question, I’m still here, but man, that bitch took everything in the divorce.

mangoshorthand

@distracted-milkshake just logged back in and found your reblog. I feel you. Hard agree with what you've said here.

I'm fading from the fandom now partly because I have other creative projects but also because it's affecting my life in a way fiction never should. I had a panic attack on the tube earlier this month because it reminded me of S4. Today I saw a trailer for Polite Society on Netflix, and seeing Ritu unexpectedly made my stomach clench. That's why I logged in.

It's so dumb to feel this way, to grieve for a piece of media, but there it is. Your divorce metaphor is a good one. It feels like a bad breakup when you're 17. I still cry sometimes.

For me, carrying on in the fandom feels like trying to set up home in wreckage just because it used to be such a beautiful city. It means being caught in the moment of destruction forever, paralysed by shock and betrayal echoing on all this time later. Every day, the lovely remaining citizens throw up our hands in despair and say "It used to be such a beautiful city. Remember that art deco building over there? How could they pull it down? Remember how beautiful it used to be, and remember the moment it crumbled?"

Even when we talk about the good times, the destruction is always the spectre at the feast, even if unspoken.

So yeah... that's where I'm at. I hope that those who are stronger than me can build a new city out of the remains of the old one and love their neighbourhood there for its own merits. Maybe one day the destruction will just be another part of their history.

Yo bitches. Still alive, just taking a step back as I try to build a life not ruined by tua s4. Hope y'all are good. I'm pretty good, and I'm currently in an original fiction writing hole. Much love!

Still waiting for that brisket and busboy five scene 🤭

ah man.... I really do want to get around to that at some point, but I'm starting to write original fiction right now so a lot of my energy's taken up with that, and I have to chase it as far as it will go.

Maybe if I ever get burned out from that.

Bro me and my boyfriend were talking about dick size and I said 5 to 7 inches is like the best and he was gobsmacked... Like he had no idea women didn't want excessively long dicks. This is a genuine curse upon our nation

Exactly. Nobody needs a full-on cervix bashing.

six inches is the perfect length the abnormally large dick propaganda of recent years is just men trying to impress each other

To be fair, I suspect men have been playing that particular game for hundreds of years.

if i may ask, whats the reason behind your blog name

There isn't one, it was randomly generated. I like it because it sounds like an absurdist first name/surname combo and shorthand is vaguely related to writing.

idk why but i feel kinda bad when i block certain accounts on instagram. one of the main things i only use this app is for reels and memes, and sometimes it recommends me really nice five edits, but when i check their accounts for more cool stuff, i then see them editing that ship, or in general i sometimes get recommended edits with them in the thumbnail and i get ptsd and i want to scream and end up blocking all accounts with this content.

silly but i feel like you when it comes to that, feeling absolutely sick. so i block these accounts even though they seem to be good editors. i know it's better to block/avoid things that don't make you happy, but it still kind of makes me feel a little bad. is it just me or..

Nah, block away. It doesn't mean 'fuck you and all your kindred', it's just you curating your online experience and taking steps to ensure you don't feel distressed.

I'm not on insta so I don't know the culture there, but fuck anyone who makes you feel bad for it. It's just being responsible for your own media consumption.

what do you think IT looks like...asking for a friend..

Five's cock, I guess? Uncut, just under six inches, slightly curved with a nice, pink, suckable head.

For the same reason it makes me roll my eyes to read constantly read smut with women with disproportionately giant tits, I roll my eyes at the idea of a sexy guy having to have an above average dong.

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