HONESTY...
...doesn’t mean simply vomiting out your “uncensored truth” to anyone who will listen.
“Sharing your feelings” is not actually always the kindest, most attuned or most conscious thing to do.
Yes, let’s be real and honest with each other! Of course. Let’s come out of hiding and reveal our authenticity. Let's break the spell of shame in relationship and courageously show who we truly are. Of course.
But – and this is also crucial - let’s keep, and develop, our discernment. Attunement. Sensitivity, to what we need, yes - but also deep sensitivity to where the other person is, a profound care about their inner life, too.
Otherwise “I’m only sharing MY raw truth!”…
is simply narcissism, self-absorption, ego, in disguise.
❗️Ego … disguised as “authenticity”! ❗️
It’s not always loving, kind, or helpful to share your deepest truth – your anger, your sorrow, your fear, your pain, your opinions, your advice, your profound spiritual realizations – with someone who hasn’t signed up to receive, or isn’t able to receive, or doesn’t want to receive, or doesn’t have the capacity to receive them.
We can be authentic, AND we be very respectful and aware of other people’s boundaries, feelings and needs. We can be sensitive to their willingness to receive our words and feelings. Their ability to listen. How they are managing their energies. What they can handle on any given day. Their own pain and trauma. The demons they are secretly fighting (the ones we may never know about). Who they feel close to, and safe with, and trusting of.
We can learn to ask before we splurge our stories, share our private inner lives, speak our deepest truths and opinions and judgements, express our “raw and uncensored self” to another.
Otherwise we are just dumping our sacred inner world on them, using others as receptacles for our own pain, fear, loneliness and the unmetabolized regions of our psyche. This is not kind to others, and ultimately not kind to ourselves.
Because our holy innards deserve a safe and committed holding environment, too.
Yes, let’s be “honest and real” with each other. Let’s tell our unvarnished truth… to those who are open and willing and ready and able to listen, to those who have signed up for this sacred work and who have the capacity to hold our truth. A therapist. A good friend. A partner. A family member. Someone who has committed to offering their time and heart and to listening to us in this way.
Yes, let’s “speak our truth”, bravely and loudly if we need to. But let’s also learn when to stop talking sometimes. And breathe. And be still. And listen. And open our awareness in a different way. Ask about the other person. Find out what they want, and need, and are able to offer, and hold, and process. Get deliciously curious about their inner world, too.
There is a time for speaking, and a time for silence. A time for sharing our deepest inner life, and a time for listening too. A time for being together, and a time for being alone. A time for coming closer, and a time for giving each other space. A time for "telling our raw truth", and a time for... well, holding our truth close, and waiting, and cultivating patience, and perhaps finding an alternative outlet. Sometimes that is the kindest thing. To not share. Or to wait. Or to listen instead.
There is no right or wrong way. There is only this mysterious and never-ending dance… and we are all invited.~
~Jeff Foster
