E's - phoria

Unequivocally Unapologetic

[manue021-blog]

Death and all his friends

I’ve always had a problem with death; ever since I was little, ever since I started to encounter it, ever since I started to try to find the meaning of it, I’ve always had a problem with it. Its uncertainty, cruelty, shockingly abrupt way of taking away people, animals, even plants….I’ve always had a problem with death. What is its purpose? Why is it that it is the only thing that we can be sure of on this earth? Because I always hear this statement: “You can’t be sure what a baby will turn out to be later on after he is born; whether he’ll turn out to be great or mediocre, a benefactor or a criminal, a genius or an idiot. But you can be sure of one thing when a baby is born; this baby will die some day!” Why? Why do people die? Why do people go? What is the logic of death? We’re told to love and cherish those around us; what is the use? How can we love and cherish someone, something, if they will die on us sooner or later, leaving us feeling empty, scared, ALONE……

I’ve always had a problem with death. We are here: on this earth….Are we here to live or to die? “Why am I dying to live if I’m just living to die!” said the song. It couldn’t have been said in a better way. Why? Why are we obsessed with living, with keeping our health to protect our life, if in the end, regardless of how we were cautious, we will simply die? Why are we so obsessed with not smoking, not drinking, exercising, having a better diet, trying to live ‘til we’re more than a 100 years, trying to live forever , if in the end we will simply just…die … Death…..its purpose, its injustice, its cruelty will always astound me.

I’ve always had a problem with death…..and I probably always will. But somehow having a problem doesn’t seem to stop its course…. I fear for when it will hit those I love…I fear to see them in a coffin, reduced to a cadaver rather than a human being, living, breathing, with a pulse, vital organs, sensations, with a smile, a laugh, a personality… I fear the injustice of death and how it takes away our humanity. I fear the fact that no matter how we yell, scream, cry, hold on to a person who is dead, like Izzie held on to Denny on that hospital bed (on Grey’s Anatomy), I fear the fact that this corpse would no longer be the person I loved so, but just a corpse, a cadaver, decaying flesh. How can I love those I love if they will leave me…. if they will leave? What is the point then? What is the point of loving and experiencing the joy of loving if their death is going to bring nothing but sorrow? What is the point if the pain of the loss of a loved one will sometimes be too much for us to bear….too painful and the hurt much greater than the joy loving them filled you with….too painful because there wasn’t enough time to tell them more, enough time to be better to them….guilt and regret…. And the irrevocable truth that life goes on; no matter how death puts a damper on things and makes us pause, we unfortunately can't pause forever, as life, all around us continues. We tend to get infuriated with people going on all around us, as we only want to pause, stop for a minute. But life all arounds us follows its course and somehow we are asked to do the same. How can we, when a human being is no longer here? How can we go on when we are forever missing something, a part of us, big or small with the passing of loved ones or acquaintances? Cruelty beyond understanding. I never could understand the full extent of death and I never will.

I’ve always had a problem with death. With its many facets and the many causes that can bring it about. To some extent our body and our mind gets ready for it; a bizarre dream of someone, a scent in the air, the sun shining a bit differently, a different breeze. There is sometimes a distinct atmosphere that precedes death; but somehow, we tend to only recognize it when it is too late, when death had already struck. As we are notified of the death or come upon it, there is the distinct feeling that we have been receiving warnings of this for a while; from the breeze in the trees, from the sun shining with an orange hue, from the smell in the air, from just our hearts breaking for no apparent reason, or just from watching our loved ones as they struggle to breath, as they struggle to still be and realize that maybe, just maybe their departure might be the peace and alleviation that they so desperately need and deserve. And then comes the questions. How did this happen? Why did this happen? When did this happen? We ask questions, inquire, interrogate, desperate to know just what happened, desperate to get some kind of confirmation – while hoping that we got it all wrong. Because deep down we want to believe that if the facts are not all present, then maybe this is just a mistake. Maybe this is not what it seems; maybe you got it all wrong, maybe she’s just hurt but is still here, still breathing, still living, not dead, not gone. Maybe he just took a trip, a long trip somewhere where he can finally be happy and free. I will take it like that, I will just believe that they have gone somewhere; they are just on a trip, a long trip. Believing and accepting that someone is dead takes tremendous effort after senseless questioning and foolish bargaining. We hope to take solace in the circumstances and in the stories that we tell ourselves of the death while deep down the only realization and absolute truth that we do know, is the simple fact that this person, this human being, this person, our person is simply and irrevocably dead. Who gives a shit how it happened, when it happened, why it happened? They will still be dead…

I’ve always had a problem with death and I probably always will. But I know what it forces me to do. I know it forces me to reexamine my life and all the erroneous principles I hold to be important: it forces me to abandon them and embrace better values. It forces me to realize that this life is much more than that, and that the best way to live is to live well, to surround ourselves with beauty, simple beauty or extravagant beauty, whichever is your personal taste. The best way is to cherish those we love; not just because they might die some day because life is not only death. Life is joy, life is laugher, life is LOVE! Love those who are in your life because life is LOVE. Love those who are dear to you, cherish them, forgive them, LOVE them; because they have a purpose in life and the contributions to our lives will be tremendous beyond our understanding and will impact our lives for better if we only acknowledge them. There is a reason why they are specifically in our life, there is a reason why we love them. The good that they will bring us and that we will bring them has ramifications beyond our wildest imaginations. So love them, be good. And when they do leave, when they go, no matter how they go, honor them. Grieve but remember them as they would have wanted to be remembered. Celebrate their life, their smile, their laugh, their joy and even their sorrow for they have lived and deserve to be recalled as human beings rather than as a cadaver. Be good to their memory, to the impact they had had on our life, to the person that they had been to us, to the love that they have shared with us. Be good for goodness sake. Because one thing about death is that we don’t know where it will take us. We don’t know if we will meet God or just cease to exist, go into the darkness……but we can live life, and be good. Surround ourselves with goodness, help those in need, be honest, be generous, be compassionate, thoughtful, caring. Bring a smile to someone’s face, make people laugh, bring the best of life to those we love. Live your life and once and while, forget about the constraints, the rules and live. Just live a little; give your umbrella to someone and take a stroll under the rain. Have a cupcake for dinner once in a while. Get out of your car and buy a ton of fruit and just donate them to a homeless person. Have a dance party and dance like nobody’s watching. Stop for a minute and watch a sunset. Go to a bar and buy a round of drinks for everyone. Don’t be constrained by the rigors imposed to you by stuck up idiots who are just as afraid to die as you are. Live your life, remember your dead and be good. As we do so, when our time will come, we will have done some good on this earth, for those around us. Because this earth is, more often than not, full of evil, full of injustice, so be good , be good to other and to yourself. For when our time will come, the memory of our good deeds will remain; the memory of what we have done to help others will prevail. And we will remain in the memories of those we held dear, of those we’ve helped, of those we have loved…..and we will have accomplished what millions have been desperately trying to achieve; we would have lived forever…..

Emmanuelle Deryce Carré

[manue021-blog]

The Jungle

Sometimes you just need to take a step back, regroup, stop the fighting, close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths: Breath one: Remember your goals and objectives. Remember why you're here. Breath two: Remember that obstacles will never cease and the more they become harder, the more you're closer to your goal. Breath three: Remember what you want your legacy to be. Remember why you do this, who you do this for... And then, open your eyes and with your heightened vision and sense of self, step back into the jungle....

Emmanuelle Deryce Carré

[manue021-blog]

Ex Sighting

I saw an ex today. You know the type of ex you’ve never really thought about, whether with melancholy or rage; the exes who provoke nothing but indifference in you? Yeah those exes!! Yeah saw one of them today. It took me a few seconds to even realize it was him and from the urgent manner in which he exited the supermarket aisle where we were both browsing for wine, I’m guessing he recognized me right away. But it wasn’t the fact that I saw an ex that perplexed me but rather the pettiness that ensued or could have ensued. What pettiness you ask? Well for a few seconds, yours truly took some kind of sick solace in the fact that he was hell bent in avoiding me. I registered his relaxed attire and compared it to mine, crisp, polished (thank God I did not dress in my sweats today). I followed him for a few steps and registered with satisfaction his stiff neck, a sure sign of him not wanting to turn back and look at the girl he was once involved with. I even judged his choice of wine, generic and compared it to my bottle of Pinot Grigio. A single thought stopped me dead in my tracks and made me go back to my grocery shopping, ashamed; the simple realization that many things in life have become senseless competitions. Without knowing it, we were competing with one another on who had won. Won what you ask? Well, the breakup. That is the pettiness that I am talking about; the fact that he seemed embarrassed and wanted to run away from me. The realization that I reveled in the fact that I seemed to be doing better than him. It dawned on me that many times, love is a losing game (Amy Winehouse). The worst kind of game where we keep score years and years after, enough for indifference to be no more; the kind of game where we suddenly care enough to compare. For shame!! Oh well…. At least I won

Emmanuelle Deryce Carré

[manue021-blog]

The Earthquake that changed everything...and nothing

January 12, 4:54 PM, 7.1 magnitude earthquake…..the earth shook and our core trembled….. debris, people dead, desperation, stuck under rubble……the sky turned gray within minutes, thick with dust coming from fallen building…..desperation over whereabouts of family members, friends….the anxiety following the quake for some was much worse than the quake itself. Mortifying, devastating, painful wonders, devastating truth, denial, resentment, unity….. As the streets of Port-au-Prince rivaled scenes from apocalyptic movies, fellow Haitians united in sorrow and in hope because witnessing such an abrupt end to lives and habits that comforted us in their normalcy tends to have that effect on people. Some things are considered pointless while others are ranked higher….return to a simpler, kinder way of life…..

And life continues, and blackouts are less frequent; telephone services are restored, business open their doors, people hesitantly try to regain even a hint of social life….Port-au-Prince tries to poke a hole through the rubble of desperation and fear….and the blackouts are less frequent; telephone services start giving more options, businesses offer more products, people immerse themselves in their activities….Port-au-Prince is picking up the pieces and building itself up to a new city….under rubble….

Because, in retrospect, not much has changed. We can kid ourselves into thinking that we have become better but we have stayed the same. And in our case, it only makes it worse. Telephone services are restored and prices are incredibly high, people immerse themselves in a decadent and perverse way of life, made more acceptable under tents and tarpaulins. People see misery….and shut their eyes.

Unity, union….gone! I wonder if they ever even existed. While we all embraced our neighbor, helped them out on Jan 12, it was not long until we became just as cold, uncaring and prejudiced as we were before that day. Oh the delightful effects of a catastrophe….how unfortunate that such a disaster is the only catalyst to goodness and good deeds…. The kindness of strangers, of neighbors to whom you’ve never even given the honor of a “good morning”….where is it now? We must have been high on that Tuesday…jan 12…..or I guess expecting at any minute the violence of a tsunami or the descent of a shiny chariot from the sky with God in it will tend to have that effect on people…..the urgency to do good, while you still had the chance….was it propelled by the fear of being on the bad pile (when God separates those of who have been good and those who have been bad into two piles) or by the want of being good for goodness sake? Whether one case or the other, it is now gone….gone as the after-shocks occur less and less…..the fear of another one gradually being one, we resettle into our homes……they’ are marked with yellow and red people……yellow = should be repaired….red = should be torn down…. They don’t mean “if it’s standing I can stay in it, whether it’s marked yellow or red!”…..but more often than not, it’s not imprudence……just cause of a fact…. Fact: I don’t have any where else to go……Cause: I will then stay in a house marked yellow or red.

Unity, union, goodness of heart and act….gone. Of all the images stuck in my head from that day Jan 12 and the day after was the memory of man, in a pickup truck, randomly picking up pedestrians to give them a ride…..without needing a remuneration….families living in a same house……eating together….brought together by a catastrophe and the gratefulness that none of them had perished….it was not long before the little quirks, tendencies, things that we call “defects” start to get on our nerves…..”Must she talk like that?” “Why does he act like that?”…” What an hypocrite!” “What an asshole!” …..and so union and unity, goodness of heart and act disappear as our old “selves” reappear….. to justify our behavior, we say that closeness and proximity destroy relationships….. and the good deeds are forgotten and people are hated over the same stupid things that we vowed to forget and forgive on that faithful day…Jan 12….oh the delightful effects of a disaster…. “I understand the why of this behavior even if it irritates me and I will overlook it and I won’t pay it no mind.” …is replaced by…. “If you even try to come to my face with that shitty behavior and expect me to buckle, I will put my foot so far up your ass…..” The hell with unity, union….bitterness and division is much more easy and the effects …oh the effects are much more dangerous and lasting than a 7.1 quake….. I guess one way to look at it is to say that we can overcome a earthquake since we can cause things with a much more destructive consequence only with the power of our speech and actions…..

And we go on in life…living as we once did not realizing that there are consequences to our actions or worse…knowing that there are consequences but simply…just…not…give…a…fuck….in the tradition of Chris Rock when he said of Bush “If you were hanging over a cliff and the only that thing that could save you was a fuck and Bush had a pocket full of fucks….he wouldn’t give it to you!”…..this is a joke….our situation is real…..because all we needed….all we need to survive, to live, is for our people to give a fuck….and they have pockets full of fucks….but just won’t give one….and we become even more careless with our lives, with our health because “Microbe pa tuye Haitien!”…..yeah we live by the premise that something so small as a bacteria could not have the power to kill us, for we have a mighty sun that kills them before they could even affect us….but wait a minute…..October, November, mysterious death….diarrhea, vomiting and after maximum 4 hours, death….cause….vibrio cholerae….in other words….cholera….yeah I guess bacteria ARE starting to kill us…..brought to us by the foreigners who have come here to assist us….we blame them, and they are to blame since it has been proven that it came from them….but are they to blame for the fact that we drink water directly from rivers and river beds……..are they to blame that while we are drinking this water, we are also washing our clothes, our dishes in those rivers and river beds……are they to blame for the fact that we also SHIT in those same rivers and river beds……WAKE UP!!! Had our habits been better, safer, healthier, CLEANER the number of deaths by cholera would not have been so grand….consequences….

And now we move towards chosing a leader.....still overwhelmed with the myth of "the messiah president", we hope that whoever takes office and is elected to sit on that famous "fauteuil presidentiel" will deliver us from all the decadence in which we strive....what a joke.....the popular musician accustomed to going on uncensored diatribes,crossdressing,  pulling his pants down at performances against the former first lady who was once elected to the senate but renounced because her husband, who was running for president, was not elected....it has all come down to the lesser of 2 evils....who will be "less" bad.....or just like one acuqaintance so dearly put it : "Dog shit VS Cat shit!".....what...a....joke....

After Jan 12, I used to say that we have reached the bottom as a people and that there were no other way to go but up….I now see that I might have been wrong. We have reached the bottom of bottoms and there is a way to go up……but we don’t seem to really see the importance of doing so…and so we build our lives, our properties, our hopes and dreams, our future, in this bottom of bottoms and delude ourselves into thinking that we are improving…….an underground city, exemplary in its filth, corruption, deception, misery…..we don’t even aspire to going up….rise up…….more like rise downward……towards the abyss…..and when things get tough and overwhelming, we let our frustration out with a sigh and we say : “ 12 Janvier....January 12…..7.1…..4:54PM”….the earthquake and its related its colloquialisms have become part of us as we express disgust, beauty or ugliness, state of mind with, fissures, rubbles etc…” You look ugly” =  “Your face is all fissured” or “You look like you’ve just been pulled out from under rubble”. “I’m sad” = “ My heart is fissured”…..well I guess I am fissured that in the grand scheme of this earthquake, when it was time to chose the red pill or the blue pill….the improvement pill or the decadence pill, we chose the decadence one…..the building under rubble one…..so much for learning something…….

Emmanuelle Deryce

[manue021-blog]

Umbrellas: An Essay on Family

When anybody that we knew traveled, my aunt would always ask them if they had enough space to carry umbrellas. She always wants to send over umbrellas, always. And I always wondered; why umbrellas? Why not food or something? And then today I understood why. I was standing outside, in the rain, half soaked, wondering why umbrellas never seem to keep us completely dry. No matter what, our feet, pants and bags always seem to get wet, regardless. What is the point then? I mean some umbrellas don’t even last long: it does not take long for the wires to poke out. Despite their wide variety, they never seem to keep us dry. Most umbrellas are small, full of beautiful colorful motives but can barely keep our head dry. Some are wider and have more capacity to keep us dry but are so big and sometimes heavy that we avoid carrying them. So I asked myself, what is the purpose of umbrellas? What is the point of having them if they can barely keep us dry when it rains? What’s the point of carrying them when we can’t count on them completely? And I thought about my aunt and how she would always go out of her way to send family members in Haiti umbrellas. Why umbrellas? Why send umbrellas to family members? Then it dawned on me; somehow family members are just like umbrellas if not identical to umbrellas. They come in different sizes, packaging, and assortments. Just like an umbrella that works one day and has the wires poking out the next, some family members come through just for one occasion and are unreliable afterwards. Some will be like the umbrellas whose wires don’t poke out but are so small that they hardly keep us dry; like those family members that will hang around but can’t really help you, for one reason or the other. And some family members are like the big umbrellas, overbearing, towering, so much so that we avoid them or avoid having to rely on them because they are simply just too much, too domineering despite their ability to protect us from the rain.  Just as umbrellas can’t completely protect us from the rain, family can’t completely protect and help us through the hardships of life. We can avoid the rain by staying home, in a dry place but sometimes we have to go out in the rain, to resume our activities because the rain is hardly a reason to not go on with our responsibilities. Just as the hardships and difficulties of life are not enough reason to give up and not move on. In comes the old reliable umbrella; we won’t come out of the rain completely dry because it is simply impossible. Our feet will always get wet, the hem of our pants will almost always get soaked. We can never come out of life’s adversities unscathed. But we always need umbrellas. And just like umbrellas manage to keep our head, torso and thighs dry, family, as different and various as they may be, will keep us from completely crumbling under the pressures of life’s struggles. Because no matter what, at the end of the day, in some rains, it’s better to have a small umbrella with even the wires sticking out then nothing to cover us.  And the rain cleans the air: adversities contribute to our growth, because it is such growth that will ultimately teach us how to more effectively protect ourselves from the “rain”. And as time goes on, we will learn to harm ourselves with raincoats and rainboots, those articles that will completely keep us dry and protected, warm and comfortable. Now I’m sure we all have a clear idea of who in our lives are the raincoats and rainboots. The people that will always come through for us …… Yeah, those people who right now, this very instant, as you associate them with the always dependable raincoat, bring a warm smile on your face….. Emmanuelle Deryce

[manue021-blog]

Random memories of sunny beaches and of a once worry free time.... supposedly.... 

[manue021-blog]

Veni, vidi, vici

Julius Caesar