Death and all his friends
I’ve always had a problem with death; ever since I was little, ever since I started to encounter it, ever since I started to try to find the meaning of it, I’ve always had a problem with it. Its uncertainty, cruelty, shockingly abrupt way of taking away people, animals, even plants….I’ve always had a problem with death. What is its purpose? Why is it that it is the only thing that we can be sure of on this earth? Because I always hear this statement: “You can’t be sure what a baby will turn out to be later on after he is born; whether he’ll turn out to be great or mediocre, a benefactor or a criminal, a genius or an idiot. But you can be sure of one thing when a baby is born; this baby will die some day!” Why? Why do people die? Why do people go? What is the logic of death? We’re told to love and cherish those around us; what is the use? How can we love and cherish someone, something, if they will die on us sooner or later, leaving us feeling empty, scared, ALONE……
I’ve always had a problem with death. We are here: on this earth….Are we here to live or to die? “Why am I dying to live if I’m just living to die!” said the song. It couldn’t have been said in a better way. Why? Why are we obsessed with living, with keeping our health to protect our life, if in the end, regardless of how we were cautious, we will simply die? Why are we so obsessed with not smoking, not drinking, exercising, having a better diet, trying to live ‘til we’re more than a 100 years, trying to live forever , if in the end we will simply just…die … Death…..its purpose, its injustice, its cruelty will always astound me.
I’ve always had a problem with death…..and I probably always will. But somehow having a problem doesn’t seem to stop its course…. I fear for when it will hit those I love…I fear to see them in a coffin, reduced to a cadaver rather than a human being, living, breathing, with a pulse, vital organs, sensations, with a smile, a laugh, a personality… I fear the injustice of death and how it takes away our humanity. I fear the fact that no matter how we yell, scream, cry, hold on to a person who is dead, like Izzie held on to Denny on that hospital bed (on Grey’s Anatomy), I fear the fact that this corpse would no longer be the person I loved so, but just a corpse, a cadaver, decaying flesh. How can I love those I love if they will leave me…. if they will leave? What is the point then? What is the point of loving and experiencing the joy of loving if their death is going to bring nothing but sorrow? What is the point if the pain of the loss of a loved one will sometimes be too much for us to bear….too painful and the hurt much greater than the joy loving them filled you with….too painful because there wasn’t enough time to tell them more, enough time to be better to them….guilt and regret…. And the irrevocable truth that life goes on; no matter how death puts a damper on things and makes us pause, we unfortunately can't pause forever, as life, all around us continues. We tend to get infuriated with people going on all around us, as we only want to pause, stop for a minute. But life all arounds us follows its course and somehow we are asked to do the same. How can we, when a human being is no longer here? How can we go on when we are forever missing something, a part of us, big or small with the passing of loved ones or acquaintances? Cruelty beyond understanding. I never could understand the full extent of death and I never will.
I’ve always had a problem with death. With its many facets and the many causes that can bring it about. To some extent our body and our mind gets ready for it; a bizarre dream of someone, a scent in the air, the sun shining a bit differently, a different breeze. There is sometimes a distinct atmosphere that precedes death; but somehow, we tend to only recognize it when it is too late, when death had already struck. As we are notified of the death or come upon it, there is the distinct feeling that we have been receiving warnings of this for a while; from the breeze in the trees, from the sun shining with an orange hue, from the smell in the air, from just our hearts breaking for no apparent reason, or just from watching our loved ones as they struggle to breath, as they struggle to still be and realize that maybe, just maybe their departure might be the peace and alleviation that they so desperately need and deserve. And then comes the questions. How did this happen? Why did this happen? When did this happen? We ask questions, inquire, interrogate, desperate to know just what happened, desperate to get some kind of confirmation – while hoping that we got it all wrong. Because deep down we want to believe that if the facts are not all present, then maybe this is just a mistake. Maybe this is not what it seems; maybe you got it all wrong, maybe she’s just hurt but is still here, still breathing, still living, not dead, not gone. Maybe he just took a trip, a long trip somewhere where he can finally be happy and free. I will take it like that, I will just believe that they have gone somewhere; they are just on a trip, a long trip. Believing and accepting that someone is dead takes tremendous effort after senseless questioning and foolish bargaining. We hope to take solace in the circumstances and in the stories that we tell ourselves of the death while deep down the only realization and absolute truth that we do know, is the simple fact that this person, this human being, this person, our person is simply and irrevocably dead. Who gives a shit how it happened, when it happened, why it happened? They will still be dead…
I’ve always had a problem with death and I probably always will. But I know what it forces me to do. I know it forces me to reexamine my life and all the erroneous principles I hold to be important: it forces me to abandon them and embrace better values. It forces me to realize that this life is much more than that, and that the best way to live is to live well, to surround ourselves with beauty, simple beauty or extravagant beauty, whichever is your personal taste. The best way is to cherish those we love; not just because they might die some day because life is not only death. Life is joy, life is laugher, life is LOVE! Love those who are in your life because life is LOVE. Love those who are dear to you, cherish them, forgive them, LOVE them; because they have a purpose in life and the contributions to our lives will be tremendous beyond our understanding and will impact our lives for better if we only acknowledge them. There is a reason why they are specifically in our life, there is a reason why we love them. The good that they will bring us and that we will bring them has ramifications beyond our wildest imaginations. So love them, be good. And when they do leave, when they go, no matter how they go, honor them. Grieve but remember them as they would have wanted to be remembered. Celebrate their life, their smile, their laugh, their joy and even their sorrow for they have lived and deserve to be recalled as human beings rather than as a cadaver. Be good to their memory, to the impact they had had on our life, to the person that they had been to us, to the love that they have shared with us. Be good for goodness sake. Because one thing about death is that we don’t know where it will take us. We don’t know if we will meet God or just cease to exist, go into the darkness……but we can live life, and be good. Surround ourselves with goodness, help those in need, be honest, be generous, be compassionate, thoughtful, caring. Bring a smile to someone’s face, make people laugh, bring the best of life to those we love. Live your life and once and while, forget about the constraints, the rules and live. Just live a little; give your umbrella to someone and take a stroll under the rain. Have a cupcake for dinner once in a while. Get out of your car and buy a ton of fruit and just donate them to a homeless person. Have a dance party and dance like nobody’s watching. Stop for a minute and watch a sunset. Go to a bar and buy a round of drinks for everyone. Don’t be constrained by the rigors imposed to you by stuck up idiots who are just as afraid to die as you are. Live your life, remember your dead and be good. As we do so, when our time will come, we will have done some good on this earth, for those around us. Because this earth is, more often than not, full of evil, full of injustice, so be good , be good to other and to yourself. For when our time will come, the memory of our good deeds will remain; the memory of what we have done to help others will prevail. And we will remain in the memories of those we held dear, of those we’ve helped, of those we have loved…..and we will have accomplished what millions have been desperately trying to achieve; we would have lived forever…..
Emmanuelle Deryce Carré