In Our Defense: 10 Reasons Why Girls Date Jerks
Last week, I found the question âWhy do girls date jerks?â posted on my news feed. The replies to this question varied, but none seemed to explore the topic deeply enough to be truly representative (it is only Facebook, after all). While I attempted to tackle the inquiry on my own, I quickly realized that I could not adequately speak for every woman or reflect the array of thoughts and actions that no doubt accompany the experience of âdating jerks.â I opened this question up to my female Facebook friends and received several articulate, well-considered, and many times, painful responses. A good majority of the answers were difficult to read, as I was confronted with many of the truths Iâve long been avoiding (hence why this post took longer to write than expected).
I was and am excited by the replies of the brilliant women who chose to complete my survey, and I believe that, whether you are a woman or a man, you will find the featured responses honest and upsetting, helpful and maybe surprising. The point is that women date men who treat them poorly for a number of reasons; it is not a lack of confidence or intelligence, butâŠwell, Iâll let the ladies speak for themselves:
1. I think there is an innate need for women to want to "fix" people. So naturally they are drawn to men who need to be "saved" or "tamed." Now this could be caused by society's constant exploitation of the subject. Too often in movies or shows the bad boy falls in love with the good girl and it becomes somewhat of the norm in real life.Â
This answer popped up more than once, but it is interesting that this writer pointed to how the notion of âfixing peopleâ goes back to the mediaâs portrayal of what makes a successful relationship; perhaps itâs been forgotten that healthy pairings are between two people who can, for the most part, stand on their own two feet (though some sense of balanced reliance is inevitably part of a committed relationship).
 A few others commented on the concept of âfixing the jerkâ:
As a woman, I would have to say the reason that I date so many jerks is because I just want to see/be the reason that they change. I want to be the answer to the question of why they are no longer a "jerk" and such a lovely gentleman. I find myself looking for new guys that are exactly like the old ones because if I don't help them change I will feel like I have failed.Â
At first, it seems as if they sweet-talk you by saying everything you want to hear. They want to make you believe that no matter what happened in his past, you make him feel like he is a new, and improved, man.
I didnât think about this at first. Many times, the âjerkâ reinforces the idea that we have a job to do! We must fix them, and we are succeeding already! Of course, women see this as genuine change and continue to work along that same path. Unfortunately, this path often ends up being a dead-end for us.
2. [W]e all want to feel challenged, and feel like we are working to make someone something that people look at and say, "Wow, look at her, isn't she horribly brave and beautiful for loving someone so obviously bad". We want to look like we are a "beacon of light" and "beauty" in a relationship that seems to look so dark and unhealthy (which it is.)
This touches on something more complicated, I think. I agree: In the same way that women want to change the âtoad into a prince,â women want to be regarded as a hero of sorts. Naturally. In todayâs world, arenât women kind of expected to be heroes, doing everything for everyone, âsticking it out,â and still, somehow, making time for their own stellar careers? Just some food for thought.
3. So when you see a woman with someone you think is a jerk, just remember: heâs probably showing her something different, or at the very least, he probably used to. Donât blame the women for being lied to â blame the men for doing the lying. And the next time you wonder why a girl doesnât like a perfectly ânice guyâ like you, maybe take a look in the mirror and ask yourself: âAm I really such a nice guy after all?â
I wish I had the space to post this entire response. This writer was bothered by the fact that the ânice guysâ just couldnât believe they were friend-zoned. Everyone is friend-zoned at some point, fellas, and while you might be a nicer guy than the jerk your female friend just started dating, probably assume he isnât being a total loser to her (at least for the time being). Sometimes itâs not even that she is dating a jerk; she just isnât into you.
4. It is much more difficult to leave a person when you have good memories to look back to.
A couple more responses on the same theme (this is an important one):
You have based your entire relationship on those few and far between sweet moments, you've dealt with all of his crap for so long, that when that sweet moment finally comes, it is like a huge reward.Â
It's not that we try, as women, to date jerks. But more that we give everyone a chance, and when they prove to be an awful person, we struggle to know when it's time to give up on them.
I think itâs difficult, not just for women, but for any person to separate themselves from happier times, especially when the happier times are not long passed. In fact, in my own experiences, it was the fact that âeverything was fine a week agoâ that had kept me waiting for the relationship to turn around.Â
5. I have always believed in the saying "we accept the love we think we deserve". Maybe some women don't feel they are being mistreated after all, that it's normal and is what they should expect from a man. Society today encourages men to be less chivalrous, less polite, and less inclined to please their partners as much as themselves. This creates the idea that "jerks" are the social norm and that women should take that in stride and settle for less than they deserve.
I have to be honest: Witnessing any act of chivalry from a man under the age of 50 always makes me raise an eyebrow. Until very recently, I was not sure men were polite anymore. The gentlemen are out there, I can assure you, but they really are few and far between. With that said, it makes sense that women may start to believe they must lower their standards and that mistreatment is the new normal.
6. ⊠girls go in unarmed against these jerks because they can't see the terrible qualities up front because they are too busy paying attention to the good qualities, giving him a chance, and hoping that he will be the one to love her and treat her right finally.
Sometimes you have to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think itâs admirable to see everyoneâs best qualities. Staying with a jerk may be a well-intended attempt at being forgiving and accepting, regardless of our own needs or feelings.
7. I think girls find themselves broken down and a sweet talking jerk is the perfect fix whether they realize that's what's happening or not.
Ah, the reply that made me put this project aside for a few hours. Recently I wrote on the importance of taking time alone to heal from past heart-breaks and troubles. Introspection, stillness, and eventual self-discovery are crucial to happy futures and happy future relationships; too many women (and men too) do not take the time to rest their hearts, and they end up in a series of bad relationships as a result. I place no blame or judgment on these women, because Iâm one of them. Learning to be alone is not easy.
8. We all like the bad boys. Itâs what attracts us. Just like the movie Grease...John (Travolta) made us like bad guysâŠmen who don't follow the rules.
First, I love the Grease reference. Also, there is a certain confidence that accompanies this jerk or bad boy. Perhaps in the recesses of our minds, this confidence reads as the ability to care for and protect us.
9. As children, girls are taught that if a boy is mean to you, it means he likes you. I don't think many of us out grow that thought.
Iâm interested to hear what people have to say about this one. Certainly, there is some truth in this! But the âjerksâ arenât putting gum in our hair or playfully pushing us anymore; theyâre playing mind-games. When might we, as women, take the above idea, and warp it into something that now presses us to endure what is sometimes severe mistreatment?Â
10. âŠsometimes there seem to be hidden agendas (so the female brain thinks) with those that are too nice. These are the guys that are genuinely interested but we friend zone them because they are too much like our brother or we feel they want something from us. Their attention isn't work[ing] for us because they are constantly giving it to us.Â
Difficult to explain but true. Perhaps it is a bigger risk to trust this questionably nice guy, because if he turns out to be another jerk, the let-down is that much more difficult to deal with. Whatever the case, there is something suspicious about too much attention, and that suspicion is enough to turn women off and seek something a bit more challenging (the jerk). Even if you consider yourself to be a good guy, Iâd say that creating a chase is certainly more interesting than being constantly available.Â
These are just some of the responses I received, but after reading through each one, I believe these ten reflect the general tone of all answers; many discussed the same topic in different ways (changing the man, confidence, not wanting to give up). I also received several responses offering encouragement to the broken-hearted, defense for the jerks as people (thank you to whoever posted that one!), and even one very catching and saddening post-breakup entry, the latter of which I think is appropriate to close with:
 I really like the quote, "People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don't think that's true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world."âŠI've learned that I won't deal with anyone's crap anymoreâŠI dealt with a "jerk" because I was hoping he would change, change into someone I could see myself marrying. But now I know what I want, and definitely what I don't want...
 Though I hope this post started to answer the question âWhy do women date jerks?â I think there will always be some mystery to it. It might be upsetting to think about the fact that a wonderful and worthy woman is dating someone who does not treat her right, but donât condemn her for doing so. It is very possible that that jerk will make her into a stronger person who has come to clearly understand who she is and what she wants. With each letdown, we become a better people for our families, friends, careers, and future (or current) ânice guys.â
Thank you to those of you who responded, but thank you especially to the writers who disclosed so much, even at very difficult times. I donât believe that I can fully express my gratitude and empathy toward you all. Youâve reaffirmed how amazingly strong we are. I sincerely hope you will find nothing but the most compatible prince-charmings from this point forward.
