Summarie @marieparisa - Tumblr Blog

Still in the spirit of Malea's birthday, here's some reflections.

A year ago I stepped into a whole new world when I became a mum —a world not enough books & online classes could ever prepped me for.

Over the year I've struggled through a series of baby blues I barely talked about. There were times I felt like I couldn't do it & wanted to give up. There were days I snapped & lost my cool, days I would complained feeling tired and desperately wanted to be alone, days I felt like I'm not enough and I beat myself up over small things, days I wondered why I have to give so much up of myself for someone else. I hated myself for having all these feelings because I love my kid so much but they were there, they still are sometimes.

So I want to look back & celebrate that I made it through. Not only Malea that is growing, I am too 🌼

My tweet critizing the government went out on the front page news — which is in a way so awesome but I worry about the implications it may bring, deleted it, changed my username, photo profile and locked my account to go incognito — which is a sad sad potrait of freedom of speech in this country of democracy.

I wish I have the courage to keep the tweet but I don't.

Motherhood: 12 weeks postpartum

It's 12 weeks after I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Malea. I will not sugarcoat and say that it's been a beautiful journey. The first 6-8 weeks was a complete hell. My husband and I knew nothing about handling babies and we had no one helping. He also couldn't help much because he was working. When he has time Malea didn't want to be held by him so it was always have to be me. She didn't want to be put on bed or her crib. I couldn't eat, I couldn't shower or even shit in peace. And to top it off I had a nipple infection because of the breastfeeding. It was all and all really hard for me, I cried everyday. I could feel I was spiraling down into a postpartum depresso and couldn't connect with my baby as much as I wanted to so we decided to visit my mom in Bogor and seek refuge. The initial plan was to stay there for a week - but I'm still at my mom's place till today. It was the best decision we took.

Now at week 12, I'm feeling so much better mentally and physically. Malea sleeps longer (3-4 hours each nap/sleep), my mom and I take turn holding her so I can have a little break to shower, pee, eat, shit. On a lucky day she wants to sleep on the bed - it's a rare occassion but we still try. Malea can make baby noises and they are the sweetest sound on earth. She smiles and giggles from time to time and it makes me extremely happy I forgot how tired I am. I never loved anyone more than this. I really hope Malea could feel my love.

On 19 July 2020, I've officially became a mother to a beautiful daughter. We named her Malea, which means calm water because she didn't cause me any serious problem or pain during pregnancy. Except that towards the end of my third trimester I was diagnosed with preeclampsia - hypertension during pregnancy- so I was hospitalised for 2 days at 36 weeks and needed to undergo a C-section once the baby was fully ready at 37 weeks.

She came out so perfect and small, weighing only 2,7 kg. Funny enough I had a feeling she was going to be born at either 37 or 38 weeks. And during my hypnobirth meditations I kept talking to her inside my womb telling her not to be so big for a smoother delivery and was thinking 'please just be around 2,7 kg'. Psychic? Lol no, it's just the power of suggestions and connection with the baby I guess.

She's 21 days old today and it's been a crazy life-changing experience. I came home realizing I knew nothing about babycare so everything is new. My google search is filled with 'what to do when newborn baby..' On top of that I am also still healing from the surgical pain, am super moody and sleep deprived. So it's a whole lot of mixed emotions. The baby blues seems to also start kicking in - I kept questioning if I can keep this baby well and alive and worrying how my life will completely change because of her. I know this is only a phase and I will suck it up and pull through. Malea makes me happy and I'll give her all my life and love.

People do say it's tough being a mother but won't really know how super hard it is until you become one. You'd think you're entering this stage in life fully ready and prepared but you never really are. Kuddos to all the moms out there!

REMEMBERING DAD

May has always been the month of my late father - of his birthday and death. It has been 8 years and it's still tough.

Frankly I haven't thought much of my Dad with so many things that are going on right now - the Corona Virus, the world's crisis, the baby coming. When I do remember him, it really hits hard. I'd burst into tears and make my husband taken back, not knowing what to do.

At the start of my pregnancy, I dreamed of him. In that dream, there was no face or any visual image. I could felt his gaze. I was so certain it was his gaze. He was in front of me, looking back. I could felt he smiled. No words, nothing. That was all but I immediately woke up and sobbed my hearts out in the middle of that dawn.

I'm not into reading dreams or that kind of stuff. I was just glad I dreamed of him and I want to believe it's his way of saying that he's always with me - he's happy to see another grandkid coming.

I miss him so much.

Day 10 of Quarantine - COVID19

2020 has been a super weird year and it's only March. Never have I ever thought I'd go through a pandemic this bad. Within a week, I am forced to work from home, changed all my routines, left by my work supervisor, forbidden to see my friends and colleagues, and opted to not go back to my parents house to minimize any potential transmission.

It's been a tough period for everybody, for the economy, for the medical providers. Some lost their family members, unable to give a proper burial. Most are confused, not having a chance to get tested or not knowing why this is all are happening or read too much news on Corona virus.

I hope in the future we'll be able to look back and light up a little because we went through this, we made through it all.

One of the thing that amazes me the most in this world is human creation. How could a baby be formed inside his/ her mother from tiny organisms you can barely see with naked eyes? How could a human body possibly goes through all this process on its own? If this is not God's wonders, what is it?

I went to the doctor a few days after new year to find out that I am expecting. I nearly cried when I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time. Nothing has ever made me as happy as this but it also scares the shit out of me. I am about to enter yet another new phase in my life. I am going to be a mother soon.

12 October 2019, I married the boy I've been growing up with since college in a beautiful Batak wedding ceremony. May our new journey begins.

Closure

Sometimes closure comes when you least expect it. And that's the very best kind.

D-30

I've got hundreds of things and reasons to worry about and be depressed, but then reminded there are thousands and millions of things to be grateful for.

Me, a Bridezilla?

This whole planning a wedding thing has been somewhat taking a toll on me. I finally understood why girls become bridezillas, even though my burden is half a normal bride - my lovely future mother-in-law is taking care of most things.

Nonetheless, It's really stressful and once you start jumping into this shit, everything and I mean E-VE-RY-THING revolves around the wedding. Your talks with your fiance, family and friends. How you spend your money, how you save up. Your instagram explorer is filled with wedding inspirations and wedding dreams you can barely bring to life cause of budget constraints and prepredicted family disapprovals (lol). Your whatsapp texts are mostly comparisons of pricelists from different vendors who set crazy prices and are treating this as purely business because the demands are always there. I even downloaded the famous bridestory apps. To which all I can't wait to unfollow, uninstall and delete.

It's even harder for someone who doesn't really talk about her problems or stress much like the introvert moi. So, I've just kept things bottled in and became easily angry and more sensitive and more bitter. And on top of that always hungry, since I need to be on a diet. So, if you happen to see me, let's talk more about the wheather or the pollutions in Jakarta or current politics. I'm interested in those too.

But, during this whole process I realized that what really keeps me going is that I'm sure my father would be thrilled that I'm getting married, in his Batak tradition, with his whole family helping me out, to the only boyfriend he knew well before he left. This wedding is definitely for Bapak.

Next Eid

Eid has just passed. I realised I kept saying to myself, ' Marie you won't be single anymore next Eid, you'll be someone's wife.' Then I remember I don't even celebrate Eid lol.

We live in a world that taught us love is what complete us. No one should go through life alone, they should share it with someone. In my culture, through marriage of course. If love has a smell, we would associate it with something sweet, something like a bouquet of roses. If it has a colour, it would be something sincere and soft like white or pink. But love brings pain too, it could hurt too. Why do people forget about that part. of love.

PS: found in my draft box, written in 2016.

Taxi Today

Hello tumblr world. I'm back.

Just thought I ought to share a random scene that happened to me today.

I had lunch with my boss outside the office and had to return back by myself. We enjoyed the lunch break too much and got carried away until almost 2 pm. I was getting weary about going back to the office asap even though work was quite slow. I decided I'd grab a cab back. The queue was pretty long so I got even more nervous and impatient. When a taxi finally arrived for the two men right before me they didn't want to take it because it's not the blue ****. So I thought why not, I had to leave anyway.

The driver, a Bapak - what we called a man old enough to be your dad, was very polite and spoke with Padangnese accent. I never really enjoy chatting in a taxi, but his small talks was still acceptable. Bapak then excused himself to answer a call from his wife. I said 'okay', why wouldn't I. From their conversation I understood that debt collectors came to confiscate stuff and kicked them out of their house. He told his wife to just gave them everything and hung up. I'm not one to medle so I remained silent. Then he started telling me his story. I usually really dislike this sort of talks - I have my problems too but I don't go around telling a driver my issues. But this time I just listened. He said he's in bad debt because his friend turned business partner had just ran away aftering embezzling a huge sum of money. He didn't know a thing before the bank contacted him. By then his friend had already disappeared into thin air. To pay back this Bapak gave his house and car (valued for almost 1 billion IDR) to the person he owed the money and promised to move out within a month. That one month had gone over 20 days he said. He begged and begged but the debtor wasn't very understanding. He drove taxis just too get enough money to rent a new place but turned out it was barely enough for food. So I asked whether he had any kid. He said she died a month ago due to sickness. I thought 'What kind of new scheme was this?' He then started to sob thinking of his late daughter. Bapak said he couldn't gave her a proper burial cause he didn't have money. Then he said something that really hit me. He said he already forgave his friend & would stop looking for him, he's so relieved being cleared from the debts and would try everything he could to get back up on his feet. Even if that meant he and his wife would sleep on the street tonight.

I was holding my tears. Maybe it was my PMS but I kept thinking I sat in that car for a reason. The two men before me rejected the taxi and I took it. So, when I arrived at my office, I gave him everything I had in my wallet, which maybe wasn't a lot or enough or maybe the whole story wasn't even true. But if I stepped out that taxi without even trying to help him and his family, I would blame myself that they sleep on the street.

55/365

We're fifty five days into 2018.

When I was a kid, I used to think of how amazing I would be at year 2012. I would have been 22, all grown up and living the best life one could have ever dreamed of. Now it's nearly 2018 and I turned 27 years old a few days ago.I don't think I have managed to have it all together. I'm still that clueless little girl who hasn't figured out what life actually is, still living paycheck to paycheck, saving up a little only to use it again the next month because something urgent always came up. But then I'm always reminded maybe someone else out there is going through a life harder than mine. I should be grateful. Give yourself a break, Marie. You are doing just fine.

Thoughts of the day: October, 2nd 2017

I was watching Friends this afternoon and it was the first episode of season 7 when Chandler just proposed Monica and the gang were about to go for drinks to celebrate the engagement. Rachel was feeling vulnerable knowing that her best friend is getting married and ended up making out with Ross and stealing Monica's thunder. I can't help but relate to Rachel's feelings, for once (she's my least favourite character). One of my best friend is getting married next week. Most people I know are getting married. Even strangers everywhere are getting married. Frankly, it is pressuring. I am already at that age and all of this got me questioning when will my turn come and why am I not getting married. In that Friends episode, Rachel finally admitted that she was feeling sad because the fact that Monica is getting married, reminded her that she's not. It's extremely relatable. I hope this questioning things doesn't get to me. I want it when I am mentally and financially ready, not because everyone else is ready. Everyone has their own time, don't they?

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