MISTAKES I MADE AS A COMIC OR NOTICED AS A BOOKER...
(NOTE: Never say never, but I canât imagine getting back on stage again. However, now that comedy is returning to clubs--and potentially booming here in Austin--I think this is worth repeating. Especially #15. Enjoy!)
So, I might be hopping on stage again for my own, personal reasons. Number one being distraction from the crushing loneliness that comes with self-employment. Woo! On the first page of my newly-purchased comedy notebook, I started making a list of things I donât want to do this time around. The comic I donât want to be, should I continue performing. Getting in my own way with unfounded beliefs about my abilities or lack thereof. I willâNO DOUBTârepeat some of the following blunders out of muscle memory, and if you catch me doing so, by all means, call me out! In no particular order:
1- Worrying about whoâs heard this bit before. One cure for this is to never stop writing new stuff. Also, itâs the JOB of a comedian to repeat the same shit with the same zeal and sincerity for different crowdsâŠcrowds that probably donât attend comedy shows as often as we perform on them.
2- Worrying about making the comics laugh. This is still the hallmark of a great comic to meâŠthe person weâve all seen before but stop the chit-chat when they get on stage. Itâs the opposite of a âcrowd-pleaser.â In a perfect world, I can please bothâas some doâbut ultimately, we donât get paid to make the back of the room laugh. If Iâm building a half-hour, those comics may âcheck outâ during my set, and thatâs to be expected. If I concern myself with their approval, Iâm ignoring the audience, and by extension, disrespecting them. THEY bought a ticket. They deserve my best attempt.
3- Starting your act with a risky joke. Are there exceptions for these ârulesâ of mine? Absolutely. But they are just thatâŠexceptions. This one always drove me nuts when I ran the Velv. Especially when the rest of oneâs act is relatively benign! Would you lead with your âcrazyâ on a first date? Talk about all of your flaws on a job interview? Or with music you likeâŠif I wanted to get you into Tom Waits, Iâm not gonna recommend The Black Riderâan album only die-hard fans might appreciate. Iâd start with something accessible, like Small Change or Rain Dogs. Get them on your side first with your palatable stuff, then give âem what you want. (Now go listen to Tom Waitsâ Small Change and Rain Dogs.)Â
4- Worrying about looking stupid. This is the big one for me. Even though I KNOW the audience WANTS us to look foolish; even while I KNOW they want us to be both vulnerable and confident about it, I have a crippling fear of embarrassment. And this is NOT a good quality for any comedian. I learned that words account for only 7% of communication. The rest is body language, facial expressions and tone. Iâve always hidden behind my words, and have given up on bits that require me to be more animated. So dumb. Which leads me toâŠ
5- Not doing enough âact-outsâ in bits. When I watch amazing comedians, they all have this in common. They perform or act-out dialogue. More show than tell. They donât just recite jokes or one-liners. Even Steven & Mitch & Todd do/did act-outs in their own, low-energy styles. When you start looking for them, theyâre everywhere. So much rolling, sustained laughter derives from act-outs. They donât have to be BIG, they just have to be well-delivered.
6- Writing what I think they might like, not what I like. Another big âduhâ but worth repeating. I fell in this trap on the road. I was lovingly told to âwrite a dick joke already!â when I was a new, quasi-clever comic. And man alive, did I ever make up for it! Some may have had a fake nose and mustache, but they were dick jokes nonetheless, and I wasnât proud. But they got laughs, and more laughs meant better comment cards, which meant return visits. Awesome way to remain a road comicâŠshitty way to evolve or get industry to pay attention. Itâs also a fast track to burnout. If youâre not doing stuff you like, resentment builds and ambition wanes.
7- Not having goals. A new, tight 10 minutes is my goal today. If that goes well, a new 30. Then maybe an album. When I DID have things to strive for, they âmagicallyâ happened. I kept comedy goal lists on my wall, and most came to fruition. Then I got in my head and stopped making those lists. The more I was learning about the biz, the more inadequate I felt. I stopped writing, stopped going to mics and eventually stopped touring. With no new goals, I lost steam and confidence. I was a competent middle, but a spotty headlinerâŠTHAT is my ceiling for now. Iâd love to be a rock-solid, reliable closer with at least one killer album to show for it. Itâs feasible, but I need to start with that initial aim of a new, polished, consistent 10 minutes that I like.
8- Not watching more pros. Something that baffles me about so many new comics. You have the option to catch A-list comedians for FREE at Cap City, your home club, etcâŠwhy would you not take advantage? You learn by watching pros, even if itâs what NOT to do. Or whatâs being done to death. You can learn structure, pacing, opening and closing. I used to watch comics I knew I wouldnât like, but came away with respect for how they did things. People forget or donât know that the late, great Bill Hicks used to be a clean-ish, set-up/punch kinda comedian. He learned the rules so he can break them effectively. Even at his viscous best, he was still super-polished. Itâs respect for the craft, dammit. All of your heroes have it.
9- Getting jealous of your friendsâ progress. There is sooo much leap-frogging in this business, thereâs no need to denigrate yourself for not keeping pace with a peer. âComedy is the closest thing there is to justice,â according to Colin Quinn, and I 100% agree. If youâre funny, consistently funny, you will get work. Period. When producers run and book shows, they want reliability more than anything. There is no island of misfit-but-actually-brillant comedians out there, waiting to be discovered. Funny gets noticed by EVERYbody. If youâre not getting booked, start looking inward. Seriously. When Cap City demoted me from headliner, I didnât fight it. I thought they were right to do so because I knew my 50 minutes was about 15 shy of reliable material. Challenge your beliefs about your own act. Maybe youâre better than you think, but maybe itâs just the opposite. Itâs worth asking, âWhat am I doing wrong?â if youâre having trouble getting past open mics. Maybe you are indeed funny, but still too green or inconsistent. Maybe you had a bad showcase set and your friend killed. Your friend may get Montreal before you, but you might get a manager first. You just donât know! Keep plugging away, because thereâs too much out of your control.
10- Not being humble. Jeezus H. Christmas, where did all of this unearned confidence come from?? Not only will I never relate to this, I will continue to chastise and scoff at it. Donât assume your shit is crushed fruit, especially when youâre new. Donât trash talk other comics, it WILL bite you in the ass eventually. Or immediately in some cases. Donât think youâre immediately entitled to the same things that other comics took years to obtain or achieve. There is always something to learn, even from people you disagree withâŠitâs the definition of being open-minded. There are comics I detest personally, but goddamn if they arenât great performers/writers. And Iâll probably get push-back for this, but I never called myself a âcomedianâ until I was able to quit my day job. Until that happened, I was just a dude who âdid comedy.â I wanted to earn that title, donât you?? Skip the business cards and build your act.
11- Not taking chances on stage. Iâve heard from too many comedians that if youâre always killing up there, youâre not taking chances. When I booked a room, I wanted to reward comics who tried new stuff every open mic, or was tweaking it. If a comic kept going up with well-worn bits, I ignored them for a few weeks or longer, even if they got laughs. Itâs open mic, the point is to experiment! When I worked the road, I stopped doing mics when I was back in town. Big mistake. I was afraid to try untested jokes in clubs on the road, and too lazy or complacent to take chances at open mics. I stunted my own growth.Â
12- All agenda, no punchlines. I remember watching a well-known comic in NY struggle with Jesus jokes. He could NOT have been in a more welcoming arena for such, but he wasnât funny, just angry. So he said, âOh, I guess you guys donât like religious jokes,â To which my friend replied, âWe do! We keep waiting for one.â I think comedians can be the most insightful people on the planet, and the great ones donât berate, they put funny first. It just makes sense! If you really really really want your message to be heard, then itâs in your best interest to make it funny. Funny cuts through. Or maybe you just wanna use the stage as a soapbox, in which case, quit comedy.
13- Not presenting both sides. I once told an established headliner he couldnât return to the Velv, despite the numbers. In fairness to us, it was Valentineâs Day weekend, we were packed anyway. He never gave me a chance to explain why, but hereâs why: he was too angry about women and wasnât self-deprecating enough to balance it out. Conversely, I had a female comedian come through a couple of times, and the bulk of her act is male-bashing, BUT, itâs tight and well-crafted and funny as shitâŠAND she sprinkles in enough self-effacing humor so as not to divide the crowd. If the guy I banned was her parallel, I wouldâve re-booked him. But Iâm a freak about balance. While I donât believe ANY person or group of people is above criticism, you canât just point fingers at others while patting yourself on the back.
14 - Not putting more of âmeâ in my act. Trends are fun as a reference, but full bits built around them have a tiny shelf life. Itâs fluff and filler at best. Relationships will never be hacky. Aging will never get old. Folks! We all have specific quirks or approaches to life in general, why not explore those approaches? Thatâs when a âcomicâ graduates to âcomedian.â When they stop saying funny things and start saying things funny. Not my line, but damn accurate.**
15- Knee-jerk hating and never asking WHY? Okay, this oneâs a personal lament. When I found comedy, I found harmony. Anyone funny was welcome. I didnât see us as men or women or gay or straight or black or white, we were comics, and I fucking loved it. We were equals from every walk of life, and no jerks allowed! I found a circle of curious, liberal-minded pals who were always asking why. Friends who would call out each otherâs bullshit or hypocrisy or bad bits, then laugh about it at Mugshots. Friends who preferred brutal truth over blowing smoke. It was bliss for someone who values sincere feedback and funny, earnest people. Comedians we respect and adore are always challenging norms of behavior and tradition. Pryor, Chapelle, Carlin, Rock, of course, but even Larry David, whoâs the king of offending people by rejecting small, societal niceties.Â
Iâm starting to see too much division and moral cowardice in comedy--on and off stage--and this is antithesis to its value, in my opinion. Everything I hated about high school. Cliques and whispers and spiteful exclusion. I will echo what I wrote earlier: NOBODY IS ABOVE CRITICISM. This is the salty to the sweet of âEveryone welcome.â Comedy is a LOT of failing, tons of real-time rejection, and that SUCKS. But if you think it has anything to do with anything but your act, youâre not asking Why. Itâs easier to say, âWell, itâs clearly âcos Iâm ________.â Really? Maybe itâs âcos youâre not funny, or not funny YET. Maybe itâs because you havenât written a new joke in months, or refuse to change the ones that never work. Maybe you think there are no rules to comedy, and you can just get up there and people will love you because so-and-so does it that way. Maybe you donât have so-and-soâs natural talent or likability. Or work ethic. Or self-awareness. If your first response is to blame a crowd, a booker, society, or whatever, ask yourself: are there successful comics who look like me? Why them and not me? What are they doing differently? My first guess is: theyâre addicted to the craft so they keep their head down and write and tweak and fail and ask why and learn from mistakes. Stop complaining and start paying attention. At the end of the day, you and you alone are responsible for your career. If you believe women arenât funny, I pity your ignorance and sheltered life. If you think men have it easier, tell that to the thousands of male comics who go nowhere in this business.
Maybe Iâm an idealist hippy dippy doofus, but I believe that what we admire about others is pretty universal stuff. Regarding comedy, we all like someone whoâs fearless on stage. Confident but not cocky. Capable. Quick. Genuine. Someone who keeps writing and honing their act. Someone who connects with people. Someone who comes back once a year with 30 new minutes. Someone who plows forward, not consumed with the opinions of others. Are these gender or race-specific qualities?? Hardly. And when youâre a top shelf, A-list comedian whoâs paid their dues, itâs all preference at that level. Itâs Gin vs. Vodka vs. Bourbon vs. Tequila, no one is âbetterâ than the next. Maria Bamford is Bill Burr is Dave Chapelle is Carrot Top. Theyâre all pros who never stop working.
Iâll leave you with thisâŠComedy is a powerful and special thing, and Iâve always been crazy-grateful to be part of this tiny, uniquely rewarding world. Even if this experiment crumbles after a few months, even if I canât vanquish some personal demons, itâs been a pursuit Iâve yet to regret. If youâre just starting out, or five years in, or going on the road, relish every minute. Meet all the people. Make all the friends. Get over your fears, get over yourself and get better.
xoxo marioÂ
**This is how I first heard it. Comic/comedian or vice versa. You get it. Though I personally feel that âcomedianâ sounds more like an official title, while you canât spell âcomicâ without âmic.â Just sayinâ is all.
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