Ultra Liveblog Deluxe

somehow reading Homestuck once AGAIN. icon by wtrClover

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

"god I need a reason to keep this blog going"

the Homestuck 2 update in the corner:

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

what the fuck.

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

(note: not actually on stabilizers, will continue soon)

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Apple juice is D-tier. Lemonade clears.

every other juice when grape juice walks in.

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 614 - 759

fuck you Rose.

this item has far reaching consequences that affects all of time and space as well as giving me depression.

I like Andrew Hussie’s weird fucking gag of making Harry Anderson out to be this damn hardass magician man who just fucking cuts fingers and pokes holes into playing cards for no good reason. I also enjoy this narrator who’s some crack ace detective detailing his life in this book because why not.

SCREECHING CHILD DEMANDS ATTENTION.

YES.

POGO HAMMER.

HELL FUCKING YES.

FUCKING GET EM.

bed.

it is here where John sleeps in the page titled John: Sleep that John sleeps.

it is also here where TOBY FUCKING FOX IS IN THE COMIC BABYYYYY!!!! YEEAAAAAHH TOBYYYYY!!!! TOBIAS RADIATOR!!!! THE FUNNY GUY!!!!

I have to say that this page being Toby’s debut is incredibly funny because it didn’t even have his music when it first came out, because this was also the 1st flash for the muscial debut of fucking BILL BOLIN.

the tale of Bill Bolin is like a legend of ancient times, imagine getting so pissed off at Andrew Hussington of the Republic of Homestuckia that you post a giant fucking rant and this shitty compressed JPG of yourself giving the finger and that’s all people remember you for.

your entire legacy is this image, and you get replaced by THE DUDE WHO MADE UNDERTALE.

I still think of this photo to this day, it’s so damn good.

fuckin idiot.

POV: Jade Harley descends from the heavens.

speaking of Jade, the constant foreshadowing with her character is honestly so fun. she’s just so mysterious in every damn way, she knows shit in the future, she seems to be directing the kids into the game, for some reason she switches from well put together and collected to fuckin head empty happiness, she’s very cool and ominous at the same time.

This is what weaker adversaries do whenever things get too hot to handle, which is frequently.

even the imps are scared of the ogres.

you get that fucker.

oh yeah here’s where the early act style really comes into its own.

fuck yeah, look at this shit.

AND THEN DAVE ASCENDS TO THE HIGHEST POINT OF THE FUCKIN BUILDING YEAH YEAAAH YEAAHHHHHH.

THIS SHIT’S SO FUCKING COOL OH MY GODDDDDDDD.

I love Dave’s fucking trek up the stairs, he’s literally walking up the stairs he’s just WALKING but it’s shot in such way where it’s just fucking HYPE. the SUN the fuckin SUN, I love how it’s drawn as this violent red inferno eye that just stares down the city. Upward Movement is the perfect track for this whole thing, there’s no song that better communicates that shit is about to get real.

oh yeah and I guess Bro doesn’t really care everyone around him is dying, he’s too busy initiating the world’s most insane sibling wrestling session to ever exist.

what’s this??? girl????

no.

welcome to Problem Sleuth but also it’s the apocalypse.

Your teeth are useless for the task! They are blunt like that of livestock, presumably suitable for mashing up plant matter, and not for puncturing metal.

>lower carapacian ranks like pawns have dull teeth that would be built for plants.

>the high agents have sharp teeth perfect for puncturing flesh and Chess Flesh.

has Jack Noir mauled a bitch.

Your WEAK PATHETIC DIGITS are not strong enough to penetrate the can!!! Your fingers are certainly pointy enough, and your black carapace is suitably rigid, but you just don't have enough muscle for the task.

I want to headcanon that along with sharp teeth, the agents all have fuckin can-opener fingers, straight up claws, they could slash you dead. they could live out a Warrior Cats RP.

It is a sort of specialized BAR CODE PATTERN.

This brings back unpleasant memories and you would prefer not to dwell on it.

I am going to follow WV’s advice and not dwell on what sort of uncomfortable analogues you could make between this and real life.

YES.

IT BEGINS.

HIS WONDEROUS LEADERSHIP STARTS HERE.

You love the idea of being a mayor. You love everything about mayors, and the concept of an orderly, civil democracy. It all seems so mannerly and reasonable to you. Everyone is friendly and happy, and the city runs like clockwork. The foundation of the government is based on mutual respect between the leader and its people. It is also built on having a really great mayor that everyone loves who is totally amazing and heroic and brave.

see this is the perfect example of how WV’s whole mayor obsession becomes horribly mischaracterized and Flanderized by comic and fandom. at the heart of it, the quirk is a joke and is played for laughs most of the time, however...

Mayors are so much better than kings. You hate kings and you think kings are really stupid. They are petty, bossy tyrants and are really full of themselves and are basically awful in every way. God do you hate kings.

despite it being painted as silly and goofy, it has an actual place in his backstory and the general plot. he doesn’t just like the thought mayoral duty, he fantasizes about democracy because he has a real personal vendetta against monarchs.

meanwhile later portions of the comic and a lot of fanworks just reduce it to “OH HE LOVE THE CANS!!! THE CITY OF CANS!!! HE LOVE LEADING THEM!!!! HE LOVE HIS SASH OF MAYOR!!!! HE LOVES MAYOR!!!!” and nothing else.

His Fate Has Now Been Sealed.

hi Serenity.

You cannot urinate because you have not had anything to drink in quite some time. You are very thirsty.

THIS IMPLIES CARAPACIANS CAN PISS.

>THIS IMPLIES CARAPACIANS CAN PISS.

THIS IMPLIES CARAPACIANS CAN PISS.

>THIS IMPLIES CARAPACIANS CAN PISS.

what could these planets be???? hmmmm????

the tab key dispenses the Tab soda, genius wordplay Hussianiel.

You free the heavenly brown elixir from the jewels of pink carapace and imbibe like the wind. It is so sweet and sugary. You wonder how so much sugar can fit in one can. Whatever mighty wizard concocted this potion is truly deserving of your fear and respect.

ok I know the joke is about how Tab is literally sugar free but has anyone actually ever drank Tab ever in their entire fucking life??? Homestuck is literally the thing that made me realize it existed. it’s a fucking Coca-Cola product, you’d think they’d be like, somewhere, but no.

The TABS are naturalized as loyal new citizens of CAN TOWN. All cans are welcome and equal in your city, regardless of can content, and whether empty or full.

don’t be racist, be like WV.

such foreshadowing, wizard??? crow??? what could it mean????

a beacon of hope for all of the country of...

chess.

I have no actual idea how chess works so I’m just gonna assume “WV: Lead your men to victory!” is just how an average game goes.

MAIL LADY!!!

MAIL LADY!!!!!!

I think the most impressive part of Homestuck’s wildly ahead of the game foreshadowing is the coordinates, because Hussie chose actual real life places for every kid to live in right down to the address, even Jade’s fictional island is located at a weird visual artifact in the middle of the ocean on Google maps.

Does this machine look like a DEAPPEARIFIER to you?? Honestly, the idea that an APPEARIFIER could both APPEARIFY and DEAPPEARIFY things is so laughably ridiculous, you would wish someone would DEAPPEARIFY your brain and REAPPEARIFY it with a brain that is more smart and less dumb.

I don’t know why but I particularly like how Homestuck’s paradox system creates fuckin weird slime clone things.

OH AND HERE’S WV: ASCEND.

this flash is so fucking underrated, like, oh yeah sure, we have Enter, Descend, Cascade, Collide, Act 7, whatever, but what about this fucking baby? it’s not the insane or intense flash out there, but this shit just lands for me so well. this is pretty much the point where you are hooked, it’s so dense, so much shit happens at once, and all it’s actually important, it’s so fucking good. I love the little things, like the exile stations matching up with each kids’ entry item, the defined locations for where they all live, the history of Jade’s island, it’s just so fucking GOOD.

it also just has really good art.

Explore is such a banger track as well, a fine fucking work by Buzinkai, godspeed.

if there’s 3 people associate with Homestuck music, it’s Michael Bowman, Toby Fox, and Buzinkai, they made all the good shit.

oh yeah and here’s Nanna with suspiciously vast knowledge of future events some dudes who have fancy hero titles, wonder what this means something something foreshadowing something.

y’know, I’ve seen Act 2 and Act 3 kinda blend together when it comes to fan perception, and that’s understandable, they’re pretty similar in their content. I do think Act 2 has enough to stand out on its own though. there’s a lot more absurdity with the guardians, Bro Strider is a man who is fuckin insane and ridiculous in every way that is both horrific and amusing, Dave losing his mind, the man WV himself and his Problem Sleuth styled adventure, fun smaller flashes, and just ENDLESS FORESHADOWING.

I have to say that the biggest change in feelings I got was over all the puppet shit. I used to think it was funny, and, well, it’s still funny, it’s really damn funny how these puppets are just all over the place and exist with their perfectly shaped asses. but also, I think the horror has finally set in for me in regards to just how terrifying these things are, just

the puppets,

everywhere,

all the time,

ass wherever you go.

turn the corner and another technicolor rump is there to greet you.

it’s a house of fucking horrors.

in conclusion, Act 2 is pretty fuckin cool and shit.

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 446 - 613

jumpscare.

YOU.

You start thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on your quest for "MAD SNACKS YO" and get this way rude hunger under control. Shit is basically flying off the hook. It's like shit wants nothing to do with that hook. The hook is dead to that shit.

I remember when Skate was the punching bag of the internet.

he’s so lame.

Your BRO's computer is password protected of course to protect all the incredible top secret shit he's got on the burners. Of course you know what the password is, and he knows you know it, and you're both cool with that because the password is the most awesome thing it can be.

what is it.

this is the most important mystery in all of Homestuck that is never answered, what the fuck is his password.

I know multiple people who have a desktop that looks just like this.

also Delirious Biznasty.

Complete Bullshit is my favorite weird parody thing Hussie puts in because I know many content aggregators that were as fucking unusable as this, and you would just put page after page of shit because you wanted all of your funny little things in 1 site.

it’s a really good, general spit take on the internet, that does not name any CURRENT or RELEVANT BRANDS of SOCIAL MEDIA that MAY OR MAY NOT DATE THE COMIC and also COME OFF AS FUCKING STUPID.

anyways.

Your BRO keeps up with your projects in his aggregator, just like you keep up with his. He's tuned into your various blogs, and of course SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.

I like the little detail of the 2 Striders keeping up on each other’s work in their bro rival irony shitcore thing.

oh god here we go.

there’s a lot of signs that Hussie was indeed a forum guy, the general humor, the unabashed shitting on other people’s work, the focus on, well, forums, all that jazz. but this really signals that status to me, this weird and esoteric fetish site that burns your eyeballs. because the age old tradition of a forum user is to find and laugh at obscure fetishes discovered in the depths of the internet, like discovering that guy on DeviantArt who made an image of Joker about to drink the ocean water, shit like that is the lifeblood of forum humor. to see how accurate this mock porn site is, speaks volumes about where Hussie was online.

now, I say shit about obscure fetishes, but...

SMUPPETS are a multi-billion dollar a year enterprise, and it's awfully hard to resist taking a firm squeeze from the plump udder of that cash cow.

honest to god the funniest fucking detail to ever exist surrounding Bro, there is enough people in this world to fund the Smut Puppet empire, worth billions, but also this fucking guy lives in TEXAS, in a SHITTY BRICK APARTMENT, and just eats TAKEOUT all day in his fucking disaster of a room. he just uses none of the money I guess.

It's not unfair to suspect the regulars who frequent the little chat box on plushrump.com are just chatbots that bro programmed to talk to each other about puppet smut, to help lure curious visitors into the squishy fold of expensive platinum memberships and such.

I want to consider this canon solely because it feels like a peak Dirk thing to do to make realistic AI that only just get off digitally to weird shit like puppets.

You know this is ironic and all, and your BRO reaches echelons of irony you could only dream of daring to fathom. But on rare occasions, when your guard is down, it all seems just a tad unsettling to you.

NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE.

fear.

true fear.

I like how Dave’s 1st way of responding to the Puppet Realizations is to just constantly chat to everyone about how cool they are and not totally living nightmare creatures.

TG: hey what is up TG: what happened with the monster that is totally definitely in your room did you kill it TG: where are you man TG: anyway TG: things are cool here TG: totally cool TG: puppets are still awesome TG: no problems with them or anything TG: like TG: just TG: really really awesome

just “PUPPETS ARE SO DAMN COOL!!! I LOVE PUPPETS!!! SO AWESOME!!!” as he is internally seething like no tomorrow.

Cringe Ass iPhone User.

ok we revisit that conversation where Rose talks about visiting the puppet porn sites and there’s commentary but...

Rose likes bro's puppet porn sites. It's almost like they would have similar styles and would get along pretty well if bro was her age. Oh well, that's the end of that fruitless hypothetical reverie.

THAT DOESN’T TELL ME ANYTHING, HUSSIE.

WHY DID SHE GO TO THE SITES, HUSSIE.

WHAT DID SHE MEAN BY THAT????

murderous intent.

imagine you’re in your suburban American house and next door you hear some fucking child just screaming next door about cakes and clowns and shit, imagine that and you have now known what it’s like to be neighbors to the Egberts.

yeah I’m a bit of a gamer.

he’s SO SAD, augh.

girl’s so silly, girl’s so silly.

EB: did you know he thinks puppets are cool? TT: Does he? EB: he's so dumb!!

John you are unaware of horrors beyond your imagination.

die.

FUCKING BEATDOWN BABY YEAAAH!!!

I’m a big fan of John going hog fucking wild on these imps and then WV is just like “good morrow fine sire Johnathan!”

fuck yes, fridge wins the game.

dumbass.

he eats books, this is important to the plot, you need to know this.

oh shit it’s THE puppet pesterlog.

TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass TT: What is the specific problem? TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it. TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it. TT: Also, coarse is a good word. TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here TG: like TG: the proboscalypse i guess TT: Are you going to start rapping about this? TG: what no TG: no listen TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam. TG: no oh jesus TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse TT: A painted pair of parted lips TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air TT: That teases tufts of orange hair. TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits, TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit. TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second TG: this is serious TG: i am just saying TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever TG: im gonna fly off the handle TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.

truly iconic words never spoken any better. I have no idea how Hussie said any of this on the fly in real life before plopping it in this comic.

GET IT??? IT’S A CAPTCHALOGUE CARD BECAUSE IT HAS A CAPTCHA ON THE BACK!!!!

I love how Hussie planned out an entire cipher for punch card patterns, like a crazy person.

KILL.

TG: PUPPETS TG: AWESOME TG: THATS REALLY ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER

  -- turntechGodhead [TG] changed his mood to RANCOROUS--

this is ominous, he is fucking fuming.

this is an amazing panel and I will hang this up on the wall.

this is the 1st instance of the guardians being knowledgeable of the events of Sburb, except this one doesn’t really go anywhere because Dad doesn’t really do anything involving it, so it’s just kind of weird.

I enjoy the implication that Dad fully expected John to just fucking deadlift a safe in a showcase of pure Man-Ness.

fuck this hat.

your racism levels are increasing!!!!

the tub is not racist, it levels up in uh

clean.

and such is the best part of this object leveling gag.

fucking Vaulthalla.

HELP HIM! HE’S GOING TO FALL!!!

AND THE BIG MAN IS HERE!!! HOW WILL HE SURVIVE????

the inhuman Strider ability of flashstepping is observed.

oh my god it’s the Muppet Babies comic.

Cheerfulbear Play With Me is genuinely some of the funniest shit I have ever read, this strip alone is pure genius, the fucking zoomed in Kermit Billy with the cutoff text always gets me.

Ok, some of this stuff you KNOW he's just leaving around to get under your skin. This is obviously another ploy in his relentless siege of one-upsmanship to get your goat (the same goat you've been meaning to bleat like ironically, but that will still have to wait for a more appropriate time). You think he knows that deep down you feel like you're still not ironic enough to get stuff like this, and this is probably some weird gauntlet he's throwing down to see if you will "GET IT". But honestly you think this material is just a little TOO ironic. You just don't need to see this shit right now.

Bro Strider might be the only man on Earth who has successfully committed psychological warfare via puppets.

trying to fucking microwave my pizza but I cut myself on the inconveniently placed BATARANG on the counter.

You spot one of your BRO'S many WEBCAMS nearby, recording the incident. It seems you may have just been an unwitting accessory to some sort of grisly puppet snuff film. You're not totally sure how you feel about that.

how much did Bro pay the FBI to not swat his shitbox apartment for creation of Not So Good Content.

Game Over. (Saw Reference. (Reference To The Movie Saw. (The Movie.)))

now imagine a world where the Buster Sword was used to alchemize, the possibilities, endless.

See, like, his hobbies are cool and all, and you guess he's got to put his shit SOMEWHERE. But what if you just wanted to heat up a burrito or something? This kitchen is pretty much useless.

circling back to the puppet industry, billions of dollars earned, everyone in the house eats reheated shit like takeout and frozen meals. truly dining like kings.

It would have been badass to go with the authentic Japanese names for each weapon, but sometimes you've just got to compromise with this modus.

WEEB!

creature.

Oh god more shitty swords. Of course you knew these were in here. You're not even sure why you looked. If you want to keep any food or beverages in this apartment, you've pretty much got no choice but to hide stuff away in your closet.

ok can I just say that malnourished Dave is 1 of the weirdest headcanons I’ve seen out of this fandom.

like, you can take the abusive Bro angle anywhere and extrapolate it from a lot of early writing, but the “ im a starving child starving to death” one is where I am just left confused. I saw him talk about eating a burrito, you saw him talk about eating a burrito, he uses the microwave to consume, there is a kitchen that is used as best as it can for food despite the fucking BUSTER SWORD there, he even refuses to eat fuckin carrots as a baby. man’s entire diet must consist of dried ramen, Hungry Man steaks, and reheated pizza.

which is still a terrible way to feed your kid, give that little man a fucking apple or something, but I feel that’s a world’s difference from Dave Strider Is Malnourished.

yeah he does hide the food away but I feel like that was supposed to be a part of Bro’s, uh, bro-ness, by that I mean the general extreme brother rivalry going on.

if you’ve grown up with siblings, you know exactly what I mean, they steal ALL OF YOUR FUCKING FOOD, all the time. to the point where you have to strategically place shit so you can be sure that no one else can touch your fuckin sacred frozen pizza slice.

I haven’t even mentioned the fact that Swords In The Fridge probably violates several safety codes at once just for existing. then again hammering fathers and stabbing mothers are the ordinary.

little boy rampaging killing puppet men in fury.

It's the hatch to the crawlspace above your apartment. BRO'S always tucking away in there when he's busting out his rad stealth stunts. He's so slick that dangling cord never even jostles. You just know he's being ironic with these weird mind games. There's no way anyone could be serious about aping those shitty movies.

HEY!

SAW’S GOOD!

the 1st one.

It is time to face your destiny. No going back now.

it is time to beat the shit out of my brother.

aw FUCK.

he is full of fury.

also good to know the puppet ass conversation was happening while he was literally covered in puppet ass.

I wonder how bro hung that there, unassisted? Wait, that's a dumb thing to wonder. He just held the paper in position, then let go of it and flashstepped at warp speed backwards, and threw that batarang at it before the note could fall even a single nanometer.

he’s so cool.

moral: sometimes, Dave is cool.

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 385 - 445

TG: skepticism is the crutch of cinematic troglodytes TG: like hey mom dad theres a dinosaur or a ghost or whatever in my room. "yeah right junior go back to bed" TG: fuck you mom and dad how many times are we going to watch this trope unfold it wasnt goddamn funny the first time i saw it TG: just once id like to see dad crap his pants when a kid says theres a vampire in his closet TG: "OH SHIT EVERYONE IN THE MINIVAN" TG: be fuckin dad of the year right there

so fucking true Dave, keep spitting.

EB: that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion, i am just saying that being a white guy who is a rapper with a ventriloquist doll is not cool by any stretch of the imagination or by any definition of word cool, ironic or otherwise. that's all i'm saying.

ULTIMATE WHITE BOY BRO STRIDER.

oh hey it’s the page I used to showcase Hussie’s affinity for slurs.

uh

still bad.

me when I fucking sTAB MY MOTHER.

I’m having rough flashbacks to HS^2 and I don’t like it.

also I just gotta say that Mom is the coolest looking person in this entire comic I mean just look at this fucking POSE.

it just screams “hello daughter you are going to get fuckin served.”

yes. the pony. beloved Maplehoof.

I’ve always seen this idea that the process of creating Earth, and by extension Universe B, involved taking the attributes and interests of the 12 trolls and morphing them into brand new instances and ideas, like how Gamzee’s Juggalo religion manifested as ICP on Earth.

I like to think that the entirety of the For Assholes book series exists through a recycling of Karkat’s personality.

also that fucking Asshole Note is comedy gold.

aw yeah time to fucking beat the shit out of an imp let’s

shit.

W magnet.

alright for real this time let’s kick the shit out of this imp.

goddammit.

also another White John can be found in this flash, collect all 7 to turn Super White.

also the Egbert Centipede I guess.

Tip: I am so fucking mad.

OK 1 MORE TIME.

he did it. he destroyed the fucker. John man.

YES.

DO THE THING.

YEEEAAAAAAH.

yeah.

fuck you cat I am about to revive.

IT’S HER, CLOWN GRANDMA.

HI NANNA.

TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever TG: or semi-semi ironic TG: man i dont even know TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up TT: I've seen his websites. TT: I like them.

what did she mean by this.

what did she mean by this?

what did she mean by this?!

TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that TG: with those dead eyes jesus TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out

not saying it.

Page 422, titled “[S] GO ON. ==>” completely underrated flash, just listen to this fuckin song.

it captures the feeling of a big expository RPG cutscene so damn well I love it, it’s like I’m a kid again.

this is also just one of my favorite Sburb mechanics, I love the concept of basically deciding the abilities and aesthetics of the NPCs via prototyping, it’s such a cool little thing and opens up a lot of possibility for any fan-sessions.

JOHN: ok, i think i get it now! JOHN: so i guess the battle against good and evil is sort of irrelevant? well, i don't know, that all sounds kind of weird, but in any case, we build the house to get to these gates, and then i can save my dad! NANNASPRITE: Yes, John! JOHN: and then after that, we solve this ultimate riddle thing and save earth from destruction!!! NANNASPRITE: Oh no, I'm afraid not!

NANNASPRITE: Your planet is done for, dear! There is nothing you can do about that! JOHN: oh...

I fucking love this sequence because John activates the Cheery Protagonist Mode ready to assemble a team of teens with attitude in order to save the world from Dark Chess and whatever only to hear that the entire world will end and his response is just “aw..... :(”

I went on this entire shpeel about the potential of writing an isolationist John based off of willy nilly prose narration at the beginning but MAN do the early versions of the kids not give a SHIT about what’s going on.

“John Egbert, the Earth is doomed, it is going to explode, all life will die, you and your friends will be the last living things remaining.”

“:(”

AND THEN HE JUST MOVES ON.

this is a very weird moment that sticks out when looking at the comic as a whole because the weight of literally all life dying at once is nonexistent, but at the same time, this is fucking hilarious.

it makes think about a lot of rewrites I’ve seen where they try, emphasis on try, to give the fact that world ends more emotional relevance, and they basically kinda force this by introducing random background characters who are obviously going to die immediately.

like “oh hi my name is Huma Nfriend I’ve been besties with John Egbert since childhood we’re very close and cool and we’re gonna play a game called Sburb!!!” and then they just

I understand y’all want to make the characters actually feel something in regards to the entire home blowing the fuck up but there’s gotta be better ways than inventing some characters just to fridge.

also John does this.

uh, yeah. I don’t know.

he’s having a moment.

just give him some space.

ok now that’s just rude.

god Rose’s house during the winter is so pretty.

holy shit a Jade and Rose conversation, I hope we get plenty of these! (we do not.)

Jade knows about Sburb??? and it could bring Jaspers back to life???? what could it me- ok this joke already fucking sucks.

ah yeah it’s time to beat the shit out of the local whiteboy.

this shit is so fucking cool oh my god.

also there are literally meteors falling as Dave looks out and I guess he does give a shit.

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 309 - 384

so there’s this guy.

he has an intro.

and

he’s pretty cool.

he’s so cool he has a shitty galaxy reflection in his shades.

his name is David and his room looks like this.

Dave’s room is the most kind of guy room ever, I can just feel his entire personality here, and I can also feel the “this dude has no parental guidance outside of an equally unorganized brother” energy.

Dave is just a hyperspecific Guy, a real type of Guy, he’s even described as liking obscure bands and shit, Hussie was airing something out when making him.

Anyway, these are your copies of the beta you received in the mail recently. You've labeled them with your name in BOLD RED PRINT to distinguish them from your BRO's copies, who labeled his in kind. Neither of you really gives a shit about this game or has any intention of playing it, but you'll be damned if you'll let that get in the way of your campaign of one-upmanship.

the Lalondes and Striders have a lot of parallels going on between each other with their dynamics and situations. 1 thing that sets them apart is that the perception of an insane mindgame rivalry seems to be more truthful on Dave’s end compared to Rose. Rose thinks that even a fucking fancy pillow is some kind of symbol of scorn and spite in the waterfall of irony and insincerity. while there’s not much seen out of Dave and Bro’s relationship on a normal day, the stupid ass stealth moves that Bro pulls out in order to get Dave’s goat really implies that there is a genuine absurd rivalry going.

also they’re just brothers. when there’s brothers in fiction, they either hate each other or like each other but still fuck with each other just for the sake of Being Brothers.

Dave: Bleat like a goat and piss on your turntable.

You would never consider allowing any fluid even remotely resembling urine to touch your beloved TURNTABLES. That would risk breaking them, and a world without the gift of your godly science just doesn't sound like a place you want any part of. While you're at it, you might as well wipe out human civilization with a meteor or something ridiculous like that which will probably never happen. That sort of thing only happens in stupid idiot movies for stupid idiots.

You will however contemplate bleating like a goat for IRONICALLY HUMOROUS purposes at a later date.

Dave is so lame.

FUCKING APPLE JUICE BABY. YEAH LOVE THAT SHIT. TOP 3 FRUIT JUICES ON THE TIERLIST WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

he’s gonna say it, he’s gonna say the thing.

yeah this is the OS design I’m attached to the most, I grew up with Windows 7 which basically did everything Vista did but a bit more glassy, so this is up my fucking ally. look at those GRADIENTS, look at all that GLOSS, it’s so fucking good.

HE SAID IT.

I love Hussie’s fake UI I love it.

I also love Dave Strider’s blog, he said the n-word on it

not joking you can check for yourself.

FUCKING SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF YEAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

SBAHJ is so damn interesting because it’s the Homestuck thing that has the furthest reach out of the entire comic but at the same time people don’t even know it’s Homestuck.

true story: my 1st ever exposure to Homestuck without even knowing it was when I was like 12 years old and watched a fucking VanossGaming GMod video in which they played that masterpiece SBAHJ map.

seeing a giant shittily compressed texture that just said AIDS which spun around in a circle and fucking instantly killed anything it touched was literally formative for my sense of humor.

the backstory is also absolutely beautiful, imagine dropping your armature Gamer Webcomic™ on the Penny Arcade forums only for Future Homestuck Artist Andrew Hussie to come in and completely shit on your comic by turning it into the worst form of art you have ever seen which would then turn into its own popular comic.

I really like the utility of SBAHJ as an in-universe source of memes and in-jokes for all the kids to reference rather than forcing relevance by shoving in memes that were popular at the time. it really helps make Homestuck feel... not exactly timeless per say, but more relatable in way that supersedes generations.

I say this because I fucking know for a fact real ass memes come in later on in the comic and they get really fuckin annoying.

I would kill someone for a Midnight Crew adventure, you would not believe how far I would go for this to be real.

TT: In some cultures the persistent refusal of a lady's invitation to play a game with her would be a sign wanton disrespect. TT: Either that, or flagrant homosexuality.

STOP JOKING ABOUT DAVE LIKING MEN YOU DO NOT KNOW OF THE FUTURE CONSEQUENCES IT HAS.

it is here where Dave and Rose immediately become the best fucking character dynamic ever.

TT: Sometimes I wonder how you are ever allowed to pay for meals in restaurants. TT: It must be hard to keep a low profile when you're always overhearing awed voices whisper, "It's that guy who has a blog." TG: seriously TG: dudes be worshipping me left and right TG: i cant hardly walk down the street without stepping over torsos of the prostrate TT: Navigating the urban landscape I'm sure is difficult enough without an obstacle course of deferential flesh and skyward asses. TT: Perhaps adapting the art of parkour to your unique environment would help? TG: yeah! TG: i mean damn TG: like theres this scruffy little shit at my feet TG: an orphan or something i dont know TG: face flush on the pavement TG: im like dude you listening for a stampede of buffalo or something? TG: he braves a look at me then gives my shoe a little kiss and scurries the fuck off TT: Heavy is the crown. TG: yeah TG: not kicking oliver twist in the fucking face every day is my gift to the world i guess

also the little "yeah!" he does in excitement of parkour before he corrects himself back to serious coolguy mode is fucking perfect.

aw what the fuck put that shit away.

Dave’s Phat Beat Machine may be a silly joke about shitty fucking DJ machines that have weird pre-made beats and sound effects but some of this shit slaps when you play them at the same time ngl. 11 and 12 together is really fuckin good.

also Captain Planet is in this flash.

maybe Dave is cool, no one else could catch and open that apple juice with such finesse.

this is a really great series of expressions, he is so mad. he can’t stop thinking about PISS.

HE’S SO MAD.

oh god.

oh god they’re here.

You glance at one of the many RADICAL PUPPETS in your BRO'S collection and nod in approval. Is there anything not awesome about your BRO? No, you think not.

this is not cool this is very not cool.

why is the little man in the SHOWER, bro does not BATHE, he is made of WOOD.

he is simply having a terrible, terrible day.

why did he do this.

HOLY SHIT IT’S DAVE’S IRONIC SELF PORTRAIT.

this is why Dave’s sylladex shit is the best sylladex shit, sheer frustrating mathematics leading to renaming items into weird synonyms and yelling out shit to fucking send out swords.

LOOK AT HIM.

he changed his tune so fast, he went from imposing and about throw down to just...

:o

now how will he play the funny Sburb??? what will he do to get out of this situation- WIZARD.

GIANT, STONE, WIZARD.

girl is not having it.

it is here we get the entire downlow of this maddening mother-daughter relationship through the totally not biased eyes of Rose. I mean look at this shit:

Your mother clearly has no real affinity for these damnable things. She only collects them to spite you. If anything, she finds them even more repellent than you do. She's just a committed woman.

A while ago you gave this as an ironic gift to your MOM for mother's day. You even customized it with a drink holder to support one of her ubiquitous ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES. She "liked" the gift so much, she had it bronzed and put on this pedestal. She even left it plugged in so it can still be turned on now and then. But never to do any cleaning. It never leaves this display.

The PRETTY PRINCESS DOLL has been sitting there for months, ever since your mother got this abomination for your birthday as a totally PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE gesture. You decided to make it much less abominable by knitting Her Majesty a new head and new arms. Now it brings a mischievous smile to your face whenever you walk by. Your mother hasn't removed the doll yet, and probably never will. She would never be the one to blink first.

This was a drawing you did of your cat JASPERS when you were younger, along with a poem about him. Your mother bought this ostentatious $15,000 frame for it, and had it welded to the door.

Using the colorful MAGNET LETTERS, you recently left a succinct message, which may or may not have been directed toward anyone in particular. But you couldn't find the letter W, so you just stuck two V's together.

Your mother then purchased a fresh pack of W's and left them there for your convenience. Appreciative of the thoughtful gesture, you left her a sincere THANK YOU NOTE, which you had legally notarized, and then marked with a drop of blood.

But part of it was touching the floor, so your mother was kind enough to lift the lower portion of the document with a VELVET PILLOW.

this entire cavalcade of fucking overly professional stupidity really just symbolizes the daily Lalonde struggle. again, way more of an actual thing compared to the baking menace in Washington, Rose does not feel loved enough, she projects contempt onto every action of her mother, even if they’re completely genuine, who’s also literally an alcoholic. but at the same time, this is ridiculous. I can bet that the mere thought of any of this coming off as mean-spirited to Rose is just flying over Mom’s head because she’s too busy cleaning shit or getting drunk. she’s so sincerely nice but also too damn ignorant, while at the same time going completely overboard in every sense just because she can. “oh look at this!! my daughter’s very own drawing!!! it’s so nice!!! let me put it in an expensive frame and then weld it straight onto the fridge!!! :)))))” and then Rose sees this and just goes “SHREW!!! DAMNED SHREW!!!” meanwhile Mom’s just taking this as “oh she’s spelling words on the fridge!!! :))))) but she has no Ws..... :((((( I’ll buy some for her!!! that will satisfy her needs!!! :)))))” and I guess Rose takes a break from the absolute scorn she’s building up in her system to make the most polite ass note all like “Dearest Mother Lalonde, I thank thee for this humble present.” and notarizing it with BLOOD. of course this has to end with Mom walking in, seeing this note and going “how thoughtful!!!” and then sliding a god damn pillow just for the presentation.

it is my firm belief that the Lalondes are just kind of off the fucking wall inherently, literally all of them just do wacky shit like this without question.

fandom mischaracterizations are so frequent that they’re not even a surprise, but this concept of Rose being this completely serious and levelheaded girl who’s always moody and brooding and never puts up with stupid shit is something I cannot understand how anyone picked up from her. she has a sense of humor, a really damn good one, a lot of the comedy can be attributed to her dialogue. she’s not dead serious, she literally knits Lovecraft monsters in purple for goofs and does something like the above while no one is around. and in no possible way is she running on full logic and reasoning because she plays weird mind games with her mom and later on just goes insane and destroys shit for the hell of it. there really is more to Rose than just “goth = serious smart.”

a lot of this extends to Kanaya as well because I guess people just write the 2 of them as the same person, as we all know, couples can’t be together unless they completely overlap on the Venn diagram of their personalities, hobbies, and interests, but that’s for later.

AND THEN SHE PAYS FOR THE FUCKIN MAGNET. WHO DOES THIS.

MOTHER JUMPSCARE.

And of all things to be doing during a power outage. She's up to her IRONIC HOUSEWIFE routine again. That mop bucket doesn't even have any water in it! What an absolute madwoman.

I like how Rose calls this some kind of weird irony chore that no sane individual would do without a hint of joking, she really expects too much out of Mom. a real core part of this relationship is how Rose assumes that her mother is operating on the same high level thinking as her, when in reality she’s just doing actual housewife stuff genuinely. the bucket being empty is even part of Rose overthinking all of this, Mom’s using a Swiffer, she doesn’t need water, she just brought the bucket because it completes the housewife look.

I don’t know if that latter part was intentional or if Hussie just didn’t know how Swiffers worked.

NYOOM.

SICK TRICKS.

ah fuck.

the Strider household is such a very specific home aesthetic of “complete fucking disaster, the likes of which you have never seen, owned by 2 dudebros who like Eminem.” this visual style is so poignant that the best way Dave fixes a window is with straight black tape, how classy.

big fan of how everyone talking to Jade starts to smile, she just has that energy. I mean look at Dave, you see that single raised pixel? that’s him smiling! he’s got joy! and he’s so much more genuine when he’s talking to her too, she’s literally the one person in the friend group where he can drop the whole image of “I am so fucking Cool and Real and Awesome and Swag.” they play off of each other really damn well, no wonder DaveJade is a really big ship.

TG: say hi to your grand dad for me too ok GG: ._. GG: yes i guess an encounter with him is almost certain GG: it is usually........ GG: intense!!! TG: well yeah isnt it always with family

this is the non-embarrassing parallel to John talking about Dad with Rose. Dave’s probably thinking to himself, “ah yes, she too knows of the struggle of high octane anime fights in the middle of the house.” meanwhile Jade’s talking about yelling at a corpse.

also JADE KNOWS THE FUTURE??? HUHHHH???? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE???????????

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 271 - 308

There are some dark forces you just don't want to mess around with. You understand this better than most.

I think it’s kinda funny how people will be all over the meta parts of Homestuck but act like it didn’t start until like halfway through the comic when you have the Exiles who literally make use of the medium of the comic’s command system in-universe.

I gotta bring up this GameFAQ section, I haven’t been talking about it much because it’s mostly just Rose in her prosey words describing what’s been going on, but here we have uh

a choice of words???

Removing the lid signals the moment your life becomes a great whirling batshit pandemonium, somewhat resembling the chaos of an especially ethnic wedding. Somewhere, a soused uncle deliberately shatters china on the floor. Muddy livestock is decorated, and then lost track of. The question "Who's mule is this?" at times can be heard over the din. This is now your reality.

I just... what???? huh???? excuse me????? Rose???? Hussie???? what did you mean by this???? what the fuck are you talking about??? bro????

things are looking FUCKED.

Homestuck except John’s sprite is the side-side-side-villain of the entire story.

Homestuck except John’s sprite is a racist.

also what is he doing.

EB: no, i have to go! bye! TG: wait wait TG: armageddon's gettin waged on us TG: but im-a gettin armed and dangerous TG: sending men in space for savin us TG: see which playa's more couragerous TG: ben or bruce? dudes reach a truce TG: put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it TG: afflecks saclifice, i mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. aw fluck it TG: bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross gettin hella christ-plagiarous TG: bruce's like offa that cruciflix, nuff a this fuckin savior-fuss TG: restrained his ass per mclane-redux while buscemi remained derangerous TG: when a plan gone astray pays off a wasted craterous TG: ash tray caterin to layers of matt maconnaheys vague remainder-dust TG: wait TG: uh TG: macconahey wasnt even in any of those meteor movies was he TG: ill have to make a rap about TG: i dont know TG: morgan freeman or something TG: being the president TG: itll be called TG: "obama made it so that no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore" TG: see youve got to fill me in on whats going on TG: so i have something to rap about besides all your dumbshit movies

I very much like the visual of Dave being completely alone without anyone to talk to and simply resorting to making up a shitty rap called "obama made it so that no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore" which is such a CinemaSins-style film critic thing to say might I add.

I have to give partial credit to Homestuck for the inevitable modern day memeification of Barack Obama, it was ahead of its time.

SHOCK.

look at John smile as he talks to Jade, how adorable.

and then Dave is still fucking going.

TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption" TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned EB: aaaaaarrrgh! TG: cant explain to me why this aint condescension to think ill shit a brick TG: not even he can convey the intention with his quickspun wit TG: rather defray all this tension, sit on his lap while he whittles a splint TG: and some guy eyes what he does and patronizes: i guess negrocity's the mother of invention

There are some dark forces you just don't want to mess around with. You understand this better than most.

haha yeah Rose imagine falling into the dark arts, ha.

her ass is READING‼

I’m a big fan of the fake Lovecraft lore going on here.

god these intro pages for the kids are so cool.

but this one is not the coolest, there is a cooler one.

and then we continue onward and OH MY GOD IS THAT DAAAVE STRIIIDERRRR FROM HOOOMMEESTUUUUUCK?????

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Raise of the Conductor’s Baton: Pgs. 248-270

IT’S FUCKING WAYWARD VAGABOND.

HE’S HERE.

oh? what’s that? you call him “The Mayor?”

THE MAYOR

IS THE TITLE OF THE FALSE IMPERSONATOR.

WV is an honest chess man thing, a humble farmer turned revolutionary leader against the tyranny of the kingdoms. he stood for democracy and freedom and fought for these ideals. he was the last man alive in a bloody massacre, left to sulk in survivor’s guilt.

“The Mayor” is a strange childlike creature with no true morals, relenting all of his autonomy so he can be coddled by everyone around him. he let Earth C be ravaged by a bunch of 16 year olds who turned it into a racially divided monarchy. he is a false idol and an insult to the legacy of WV.

anyways Rose Lalonde made a GameFAQ.

the 2 flashes that open Act 2 have some really nice shots, seeing the skies of LOWAS without knowing what’s below is pretty damn menacing. you’d think the Egbert household got banished to the fucking void or something. welcome to purgatory, featuring clowns.

and then oh FUCK it’s a WALKAROUND BABY.

the walkarounds are so fucking good, I just LOVE registering the dimensions of these fictional locations admiring the random shit placed within them.

weirdly enough, the Act 4 opener is the only other flash to exclusively use this style of walkaround. by that I mean, using the regular sprite mode art style in and letting the player move around in the isometric camera angle. on 1 hand, completely understandable, it would be an utter nightmare to constantly reuse or make brand new traditionally drawn art assets just for some open areas to fuck around in. on the other, literally controlling in a Homestuck environment is fucking cool, the feeling is like no other, this is the John house and I am walking through it.

best part about this has to be witnessing WV’s manner of speaking, it’s so fucking good. he’s eternally yelling in direct mannerisms while not knowing shit about anything.

some highlights:

also very good that he utterly despises clowns because that was the attire of both the monarchs and Jack Noir.

oh also there’s the 

command where you can turn

and walk through walls.

Trickster Mode is fun, Trickster Mode is silly, I am not going to talk about the white part, let me have this for a moment.

we should instead talk about how you can enter Problem Sleuth’s office.

god Problem Sleuth is so fucking good.

John.

John is afraid of heights, another character detail that needs to be represented more in fanworks. we need more acrophobia content.

just look at him, the poor child.

[scuttles around like a little guy.]

YOOOOOOO IT’S FEDORAFREAK!!!!

EB: i'm fine i guess. EB: since i got here i feel compelled to do these weird things i don't really want to do. EB: by some kind of voice that i can't really even hear. i don't know, it is hard to explain. TT: Perhaps the early symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like post-traumatic stress?

haha, John??? suffering from anxiety and PTSD??? hahaha, imagine. haha.

ha.

uh.

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 214-247

it’s her.

Rope Lalope.

icon for weird goths who for some reason decide to live in the Midwest, those who can somehow still enjoy Lovecraft while knowing the truth of his fucking cat, and

I don’t think WLW ships have ever been the same since the advent of The Rosemary from The Homestuck,

or if I want to sound like a fuckin goofy ass oldhead, femslash.

the thing is that I cannot identify any actual concrete change in general fandom and shipping post-HS, I just feel it. I can feel that something within the universe’s structure changed the moment grimdark gorl and sparkly gay vampire got together.

but I’m talking about a character that hasn’t even shown up yet.

also front facing Rose is fucking haunting stop please.

[insert dabbing joke here.]

the fucking haunting violin refrain flash is so good I love how her movements sync up with the song.

not gonna gush about Aggrieve the same way as Showtime because come on it’s fucking Showtime, but Aggrieve is still very much up there.

Since your good for nothing friend is obviously not going to bail you out in time, you issue words of parting fondness to dear, sweet Liv. Oh, if only Affleck could have been the one to make the final sacrifice instead of her stubborn, blue collar, salt-of-the-earth father. Then she would fall into your arms for consolation, and YOU would be the one to make the deceased Bruce Willis proud.

the crush on Liv Tyler is not explored enough in fandom, I need to know how much John imprints her on his other romance options. how much of a Liv Tyler is Vriska, these are the fucking questions people.

Your panoramic window offers a view of your yard below, and the mausoleum housing your dead cat, JASPERS, who died when you were young. Your MOM had the structure erected with a spirit of scornful IRONY in response to your youthfully innocent request to hold a funeral for the animal. At least, that is how you have come to interpret the gesture in retrospect.

compared to John’s struggle with the clownkind, Rose has a much more grounded strife with her parental figure.

I say that but Rose takes this shit to an 11.

regardless, a parent that constantly performs malicious compliance with a hint of irony isn’t unbelievable, neither is someone fooling themselves into thinking their guardian is operating as such due to a general disconnect and the feeling of not having enough attention.

with all of this established,

it’s still really fucking funny,

because Rose will stare down Mom with sheer contempt thinking “SHE’S FUCKING WITH YOU! SHE’S TRYING TO GET TO YOU! DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER GAMES!” as she stands around vacuuming jackshit, probably having no thoughts in her fucking head except for “I love household chores. :))))))”

WIZARDS.RAR.

genuinely the funniest story surrounding Homestuck, Andrew Hussie risked their entire PC for a bunch of fucking stupid wizard pngs.

the Egberts do high action cake forcefeeding, the Lalondes do drunken covert operations, the Striders DO MAD NINJA TRICKS.

GIRL IS DRENCHED.

early HS art is so fucking pretty. everyone’s always on about the kids looking like bobbleheads and that’s good but the environments are so fucking good as well.

iconic panel, banger panel. look at how her knees do the swirly thing.

CRINGE MAC USER.

you’re making the John nervous!!! Egberts only do this under high stress!!! help him!!!

TT: And the content of the card appears to be variable from session to session. TT: In one instance it was described as an "eggy loking thign" [sic].

presenting without comment.

“John: Take bite of apple.” is a really good ending flash in which John takes a bite out of an apple 

and then gets fucking nuked. 

the act then ends there.

a marvel that the only reason John lived was because he did what looked like the goofiest option ever. did the apple even taste good? what the fuck is cruxite made of???? I guess it’s edible??? might be candy, is it candy??? do they come in different flavors???

after way too long, Act 1 is finally fucking done, yet the more I read it, the shorter it feels. I can’t tell if it’s because I don’t need to absorb the tutorial stuff due to being familiar with the comic already, or because I’m anticipating when shit really goes crazy later on. maybe a bit of both. it certainly preps me for the art style, the flowery language, the weird humor, and so on.

I can say that Act 1 is

fine.

it is of good quality.

nothing groundbreaking and not the best,

but enjoyable nonetheless.

I get that it’s a bit slow and nothing really happens, but I’m able to entertain myself with the page to page shenanigans and good character interactions.

honestly I don’t understand how people skipped this act at all, how the fuck do you skip the start of the story??? don’t you want to like

understand

what is happening

and who these people are???

especially the later part, so much Homestuck skipping was for the sake of immediately getting to the character interactions, but

there are character interactions here,

and

you learn who the characters even are.

like what the fuck, the introduction to the characters and their dynamics should be key to being invested in them, but I guess not because some people were able to just jump in the middle and grow attached while not knowing what the fuck is going on.

in conclusion: people who skipped Act 1 are cringe, and have doomed themselves. Act 1 good.

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 138-213

Blue John.

Blue John.

look at him smile. little guy.

Serious Business is the best social media app, the hub for all businessmen to give advice about their nice attire. however, best guy fedorafreak has not appeared yet.

in which Rose Lalonde exhibits her incredible therapist bullshit, and also a really good line is dropped.

EB: ok, if that will satisfy your weird ocd complex then go ahead. TT: My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder complex? TT: Can a disorder also be a complex? EB: in your case, probably!

John you fucking FOOLISH BOY you’re going to BLIND YOURSELF.

TT: Whoops.

comedy gold to think about Rose grabbing and ripping a fucking toilet from the pipes only to then consciously type into Pesterchum “whoops” like she’s a fucking cartoon character.

JADE.

HI JADE.

TT: Oh fuck.

again, cartoonish.

SAY THE LINE, JOHN.

EB: you can see me, right. EB: tell me what is wrong with this picture.

TT: I would look for a stronger signal in another part of the house, but I'd rather not risk an encounter with my mother. TT: I battled through her cloud of gin and derision once already this evening. EB: haha, yeah I hear you. TT: Yes. Cake, jesters, unfaltering love and support. TT: Quite a road to hoe there. TT: Though I suppose I'm complicit for not informing Social Services about your situation.

this is the shit I’m talking about when imagining talking about parents with John, Rose is here talking about she can’t stand her alcoholic weirdo housewife mother and John’s just out here like “haha yeah, reminds me of my dad and his cakes.” John someone has a drinking problem and all you can think about is how much you hate clown people.

TT: I've been looking at the GameFAQ walkthroughs to figure some of this stuff out.

it’s very interesting how GameFAQs remains as 1 of the only real world online platforms to ever be reference in the early comic, yet to me, it doesn’t stick out that much. I’m a big fan of how Homestuck utilizes its own programs and sites as close analogs to tools at the time, Pesterchum, Serious Business, the fake browsers and OSes, and so on. these original clients allow for the comic to not drag itself down and let it age horribly by shoving in very specific styles of social sites or apps. at the same time, I can say something like GameFAQs or YouTube being shown on-screen in a casual manner doesn’t take me out of the story because they’re only there to serve their functions and they’re still adding to Homestuck as a period piece. character needs a walkthrough? well everyone at the time would go to GameFAQs for a walkthrough. character wants to share a video? people at the time would use YouTube to share videos. it also helps that GameFAQs is an unchanging monolithic beast that remains the exact same as it was decades ago. not YouTube, I miss the old YouTube designs.

I say this now because later on the comic introduces more direct social media analogues (sometimes even outright naming them), with more attention drawn to the fact that said social media is being parodied, this all ending with said parodies feeling very dated and way too contemporary. I’m looking at you Tumblr, Instagram, Snapchat, fuckin Vine. yeah, remember when Vine was in the comic???

Seizure Ball.

your fate is sealed.

and then the doll gets prototyped with the kernelsprite and...

I LOVE clown music!!!

I don’t know if you can tell by the clownsona in my main blog, or the fact that I literally said this beforehand,

but

I like

jesters.

evil jesters to be specific.

jesters are looked down as fucking fools and little funny idiots, but the moment you make 1 a villain they become terrifying, maddening, and a destructive force of nature.

so of course, I have to say that Homestuck directly appealed to me by introducing a major jester-esque character, as well as having these jester aesthetics permeate throughout the rest of the comic and informing the designs of other characters, mostly villains.

it worked so well I was inspired by pre-Bec Jack Noir’s transformation for this sona.

who up speaking in Fleur de Lis.

these are the symbols of Homestuck, not the Slimer shirt, not the Sburb house, none of the fucking trolls, no. these, the perfectly generic objects, green fuck-off cubes that are entirely useless and are canonically the physical representation of jackshit. they are a craft.

AH SHIT, IT’S A FUCKING THING.

You figure you've left him hanging long enough.

this simple bit that happens within the 1st 200 pages of this comic both introduces a really good running gag but also fucks up an entire late-game, like, end of the fucking comic late-game, writing decision that I still maintain makes no fucking sense and had no reason to exist, especially being randomly introduced at the very end.

but that writing contradiction also spawned Alternate Session which is a really cool fanventure that you should read.

I ate Gushers as a kid, I never had them in years afterwards, but now they’re sold at my college and they’re both tangy candy thingies and fucking disgusting processed trash.

still buy em though.

oh my god it’s this fucking pesterlog oh my god this is it.

TG: like the size of texas TG: or just rhode island TG: theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us TG: but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG TG: like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir TG: OH SHIT TG: or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir TG: OH SHIT TG: sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick TG: OH SNAP TG: sir are you familiar with jupiter TG: you mean like the planet? TG: yeah TG: well its that big sir TG: hmm that sounds pretty big TG: i have a question TG: is it jupiter? TG: yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter TG: OH SHIT

Dave, Daaaave. this is my boy. this rambling fucking nonsense is what I think of when I think Dave Strider, it’s so fucking good. planet fucking Jupiter.

and then Rose Lalonde happens.

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 85-137

I have to give shoutouts to the “John: Enter.” flash for making a fucking business dude as a threatening as possible.

And then John and Dad strife and AGAIN FUCKING SHOWTIME IT’S SO GOOD.

GOD.

I love father son bonding. (blunt force trauma)

this is what I mean when I say Egbert household issues aren’t real human issues what the fuck is going on here.

casually steals communications device.

the “Check Pesterchum.” flash is also very important to fandom history because it established the 3 Pesterchum sound effects that would be used in every fucking dub ever.

actually, yeah, short tangent, Hussie’s fake UI design is so fucking cool, look at this shit.

tell me this isn’t a banger of a browser that is suspiciously themed after a major otherworldly character in the comic.

I’ve got a clear favorite amongst the kid’s PC designs for nostalgia reasons but that’s later.

SHOUTOUTS TO THE FUCKING DENIZEN BROWSER THEMES MOD FOR THE UNOFFICIAL HOMESTUCK COLLECTION BY THIS WAY.

this shit is GREAT.

IT’S THE FUCKING MIDNIGHT CRW BABY LOOK AT THEM THEY’RE SO COOL AND-

anyways.

John you fucking balloon headed fucker just let go of the knife you FOOL.

this is the funniest part of the sylladex shenanigans, just this absolute fucking mess on the yard John’s piling up because he cannot comprehend the very simple process of “top go 1st” or “bottom go 1st” like John please.

IT’S THE FUCKING BUNNY.

I gotta let this flash play out as well, I must.

there is no reason the loading screen for a PC game should look this fucking cool. it is way more trouble than it’s worth to have this fucking seizure spirograph and insane acid trip sky background spin around but it just fucking works. again, Hussie’s fake UI design is just the top of the line shit.

seriously just LOOK AT IT. I would let Hussie design my game, my operating system, my PC build, my television, anything, it’d all be really fucking confusing but at the same time it’s fucking worth it for this good looking shit.

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 70-84

There is also a CAN OF PEANUTS on the desk. Ha ha, oh DAD. You won't be falling for THAT one again any time soon. A severe peanut allergy is a terrible affliction to cope with.

most important Egbert fact, commit this to memory now.

OH SHIT IT’S “PLAY A HAUNTING PIANO REFRAIN”-

listening to Showtime is like a ritualistic tradition to me, man oh fucking man does it still hit to this day. there is no greater joy that popping open this comic again and hearing these notes once more. I would call this The Homestuck Song but there’s a million of equally iconic tracks and some of them are literally called the main theme of Homestuck so I’ll just say that this is The Act 1 Song.

yes I’m considering it over Suburban Countdown, it’s a good song but this just fucking encompasses everything.

little boy John really just sat down while hunting for Sburb just to go:

also the Jonkler is here and I have no idea why but it amuses me.

now I just gotta let the next Flash play out wholesale, it needs this.

The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note is produced. It's the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune. It is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all. "Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." -Walt Whitman Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive. You have a feeling it's going to be a long day.

this does not get old, never, in all of my years I can still sit down and listen to Windchime Foley rattle on forever. there’s something just completely alluring about this page as a whole, the sudden shift into these thoughtful prose in the narration, the droning ambience of wind, the unmelodic windchimes weakly singing, the slow pan showing the entirety of John’s neighborhood, the heavily iconographic sun, and that fucking title drop, everything here is good, I love Homestuck.

what really gets me about it nowadays is just that tiny bit of characterization you could gleam if you read way too much into it. these empty streets and houses with no life in them, the description of something feeling truly missing from John’s life, the sheer sense of hollowness in this entire town, it really makes you think about what John’s life was like before the game came in and turned everything on its head.

Rose pursues a passion for the grim and gothic while playing weird mind games with her mother, Dave lounges around a shithole apartment eating takeout and playing video games at the same all while his brother trains him to become an epic ninja through the art of mad beatdowns, Jade faffs about on an island without a care in the world.

what does John do?

the idea of an isolationist John is often spurred as a reaction and coping mechanism from the trauma of the entirety of Sburb, after experiencing essentially a sensual and emotional overload watching everything and everyone die multiple times over in a universal reproduction system. not much attention is given to the thought of these tendencies of seclusion manifesting beforehand.

because in a quiet house owned by an idealized American father figure situated in a neighborhood that feels utterly lifeless despite its colorful appearance, what does John have outside of his small group of internet friends?

it’s easy to throw this kind of thought process around for any of the kids in the comic, the writing has them acknowledge no one but themselves when it comes to close relationships, as if everyone else on Earth basically didn’t exist.

but it feels way more apparent in John’s case, because it really feels like this kid pretty much has nothing interesting going on in his life until the launch of Sburb.

a lot of this can be attributed to John simply being more of a blank slate considering he’s the protagonist, but it’s just a thought.

oh and after this introspection someone commands John to shit in the mailbox and it’s punctuated with a gif that I swear is animated like a modern day Vine boom shitpost.

never change, Homestuck.

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 61-69

the existence of Colonel Sassacre is 1 of the more bizarre parts of early Homestuck. I guess 1 day Hussie really wanted to do a riff on Mark Twain of all people, except he’s some prankster god with a wizard hat.

yeah I don’t get Hussie’s thought processes a lot of times.

the text itself is kinda amusing, old English fuckery about japing people with “The Creepy-Crawlies” because you just really hate your aunt or some “gent” who-

wait what does that say?

listless- OH! that’s a slur! hi everybody!

Did You Know? Homestuck Has Slurs.

the uh... “discourse”???? around slurs in Homestuck sure is something because people like to fight tooth and nail for their existence in the comic, but in a way that is simply... odd.

most of these shitfests about derogatory language in media involve people who publicly advertise how fucking Cool they are because they Like Things That Are Offensive complaining about how the Liberal SJW Snowflake Democrat Tumblrite Triggered Buzzword Buzzwords are mad at words so they will Cancel Culture the media and they should something something Grow A Spine Man Up Go To The Real World something something.

but in Homestuck’s case you’ll have fans who really want to defend the slur usage as some sort of fight to preserve the work. the discussion of how Homestuck is preserved is a good one, but like

the slurs????

what are you losing with the slurs????????

sure, the language, much like anything else in the comic, is a part of this period piece the work exists as, a very much at the time sort of thing. it’s the late 2000s, Hussie hangs out in forums with edgelords, they’re also Some White Guy who grew up in The Slurs Part of America.

Homestuck Made This World actually goes into this pretty well:

Michael: Old internet history, there's a lot of bad and offensive stuff in there, and some of that comes through into the comic.

CMRN: It was mainstream humor, that's what's kinda weird about it, and that's something that's easy to forget now, right? Y'know there was a popular film in the early 2000s where Johnny Knoxville cons his way into the Special Olympics, and every prank TV show from Jackass to The Jamie Kennedy Experiment, everyone remembers that, people get into X, to uh-  Gosh, what was the Ashton Kutcher one?

Michael: Uh, Punk'd.

CMRN: Uh, yeah, trucker hat, you're right. And that, right? So there was this kind of like general, just like, extremely virulent anti-disability, you know anti-disabled people, element to humor, which I don't really know that was such a prominent thing. Maybe it was at the point where, you know for example, certain forms of race based humor just didn't play anymore, so mainstream comedy had to find a place where it was acceptable to, you know, hate certain people essentially? I don't quite know one or another, but I actually associate Hussie quite often, of course the R-word was used constantly and regularly by basically everyone, I mean it was a huge kind of corner stone of both internet and real world meatspace culture. But for whatever reason, I have this, in mind, Hussie relationship to particularly that form of humor.

Michael: We are going to see what happens when the internet specifically drifts away from this, or not even drifts away, that's putting it too softly. Internet culture, sort of fan culture, is going to pivot away from that type of humor pretty hard. And we can so those tensions bubble up into the comic when we get to those points. Cause of course, you mention, you know, the R-word, it's used, not liberally, but regularly I think throughout kind of the opening acts of Homestuck. And it's one of those things that really jumps out to me looking back, because it did not jump out at me in 2008-2009, right?

CMRN: Yeah.

Michael: Like, I am not free from this, I was never like, y'know, above all of this. I too am a product of culture, and it is bizarre to kind of go back and notice things like that and be like "Oh yeah, we were just like, dropping that, and that was kind of messed up!"

CMRN: Yeah, I think one thing that is important is to even have like a short historical kind of memory about this kind of thing, because yeah, like I was just saying. The R-word and making fun of people with intellectual disabilities, just broadly, was a corner stone of comedy, I would say that maybe one third of jokes, period, from stand up to- I mean, this is obviously a little bit of hyperbole, it's not straight up a third, but if you look at sketch comedy from the time, from its mainstream to whatever obscure, you're gonna find a huge amount of that, that's a massive part of it. And it was just part of our comedy culture, I mean, that's a historical reality, and it's a historical reality that we live through. And I guess the beneficial thing, or the good thing, obviously there is no good thing about doing that, but the good thing of living in the moment that we do now, is that we seem to have, as a culture, completely gotten rid of that, or at least in parts of culture who were not interested in just trolling other people and purposefully offending other people. I think for the most part everyone, or people were in involved in cultural production have realized "Yeah that was- that was pretty bad. Like, why are we engaging in that." And that's heartening. But yeah, it was just a part of it. And I agree, while reading this kind of section that we read for episode one, it really sticks out when it shows up. But also, if you're reading Homestuck and you're like "Ah, that's kind of a bummer that that's showing up." Or "That's awful that that's showing up." The way it's just peppered in and used normally in conversation is the way it was used in 2008-2009 by many many people, obviously not everyone, obviously some people realized how bad that was, but I would say the majority of conversation. Certainly the people I went to high school with, and even when I was in college was when this was kind of moving out, and certainly when I got to college is when I was like "Oh, this, you shouldn't say this. This is bad."

but many arguments about how humor and language was back in that context is often used to absolve Hussie from any sort of blame. they didn’t mean to do it, it just seemed fun! what’s a little slur usage between online besties? however, you see, not everyone who lived in the 2000s was a massive bigot and/or liked dropping slurs. I can tell you that because I was there and I was not racist, actually. at the same time as 4chan and Something Awful users were spewing whatever you could find in the depths of the Wikipedia page for every racial slur in existence, you’d have high school to college campaigns, TV PSAs, informative pamphlets, and whatnot yelling in your face that you should probably not say slurs because slurs are kind of bad. it was “acceptable” in some areas to throw around an r-word, but there was certainly a pushback.

it’s not even like Hussie just suddenly stopped using these words afterwards, because they gladly repeat the r-word a million different times in a paragraph of commentary for Act 2 in its Topatoco book print, which was published in 2012.

I'd paste the entire thing word for word but:

I am not really comfortable considering how bad this gets.

it’d be easier to have the original panel itself for context.

so here’s a screencap instead:

bare in mind this was kept for the reprint by Viz Media in Book 1.

in other words, no, Hussie was not an innocent victim of the Big Internet Hivemind that decided that people should say slurs as a form of greeting, they were a human being who made a conscious choice to add these words to their work.

they don’t add anything, they’re only in the comic because that’s how Hussie spoke at the time and for some reason they couldn’t keep them out of their mouth.

and I’m serious on that last bit because some are thrown around from Rose and in the narration of Jade’s perspective and... no... they wouldn’t say that.

the goth girl who tries her hardest to look highbrow and the ray of sunshine herself would never utter such foul language that’s literally just Hussie speaking through them.

Dave would totally though he’s just that kind of guy.

on the other side of the coin I’ve seen fans recommend new readers to download the Homestuck Slur Replacement Project mod to make the experience more comfortable, that’s good.

but also a lot of them act like it’s just the slurs that make the comic a hard sell in terms of controversy, and

buddy,

there’s still a lot of fucking weird shit. the entire work is not suddenly completely accessible because you get rid of a bunch of r-words and an f-word. we’ve all seen the fucking content warnings people make for new readers, this comic is fucked.

what is a new reader gonna think when they go through the comic thinking nothing worse than some slurs will pop up and then this guy makes a grand fucking entrance.

yes I am singling Kankri out, fuck him.

but then, flipping back to the side I was originally talking about, I’ve seen those who decide that mods such as the Slur Replacement Project are cardinal fucking sins against Homestuck itself. and

why???

what does it matter that someone’s personal copy of Homestuck is slightly edited???

again, really interesting stuff could be discussed about how Homestuck was being consumed at the time and how it should be consumed now, but this is just petty.

basically in summary uhhh this video:

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 47-59

truly the best part about any guardian is their insane and overwhelming obsession with 1 very particular and niche type of object for what seems like no discernable reason. Dad Egbert is this fucking suburban blue collar working man, the poster child of the American dream, and for some fucking reason he REALLY likes HARLEQUINS.

not just CLOWNS, HARLEQUINS, very particular genre of the clown medium, personally I’m more into jesters.

he even considers them a GIFT, a LIFE-SIZED STUFFED HARLEQUIN for YOUR CHILD.

the harlequin that also causes all of Homestuck to happen of course.

and he just

bakes shit.

not just as in he likes to bake, he continually bakes shit as a pastime and just leaves it all around the house. there is a WHOLE CAKE on the fucking COUCH.

this really speaks to why Dad’s 1 of my absolute favorites, because I knew people like this as a kid. parents or family friends who were, by all accounts, completely normal and average people, but just had That 1 Thing about em I simply could not comprehend. 1 of them had as many Thomas Kinkade paintings as I could register in my head, they were all so sappy you’d think you walked into the fucking forest. another guy had the most typical suburban home ever, but on random shelves you would just see Jesus statue, Jesus statue, Jesus statue, just this whole collection of biblical figures top to bottom.

I felt seen when I was introduced to Dad, he’s just such a guy.

and then you have John over here, whose narration has been implying some form of discontent with his father. the comic was keeping things vague until now, but it seemed like there was something about Dad that John just didn’t like. maybe they can’t connect probably? maybe Dad is too strict? maybe John is too rebellious?

no.

it’s the FUCKING CAKES AND CLOWNS.

the 2 THINGS that SINKS THIS KID’S ENTIRE PERCEPTION OF HIS PARENTAL FIGURE.

BAKED GOODS, specifically produced by Betty Crocker,

and THE PERFORMANCE ART OF CLOWNERY.

could you imagine talking about your parents with John in the room, like-

“oh yeah, my mom’s kind of an ass. she forced me to buy my own phone with money I got from jobs when I was only 14.”

“oh lemme tell ya something! my dad, he can’t stop making cakes! and there’s harlequins all over the walls and shelves! I can’t stand it!”

I would say 1st world problems but no world is suited for whatever fucking issue the collection of jokesters is.

this is the kind of thing that puts me off of abusive Dad interpretations or fics, because there is absolutely no genuine angst between him and John at all. the Egbert household has no real human problems, they have a scuffle in regards to if the classical goofy performers of ye olde times are valid or not.

if we had June happen and she came out to Dad, his 1st response would not be something shitty and mean like “WRONG!!! YOU ARE NOT A WOMAN YOU ARE MY SON!!! BE MANLY!!!” he’d think that the best way to celebrate this would be making a gender reveal cake stuffed with fucking Weird Pink Slime, and then proceed to gift the little girl a Harley Quinn shirt because she’s a Girl Clown.

“DENNIS WILL HAVE HIS REVENGE”

~ Andrew Hussie.

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 41 & 66

I need to make a whole post just for Game Bro alone, this is imperative for my recollection of reading this comic, because it is the 1st thing that made me audibly laugh. I just need to talk about it for a moment, this must be its own tangent, and if you don’t like it, fuck you.

the thing that immediately gets me already is the visual style involving all of these bro culture jokes. there is something fucking incredible about a bunch of stock photos of dudes on skateboards with the contrast cranked up and under several layers of crusty Photoshop motion blurs.

then the fucking review- THE REVIEW. the guy doesn’t even play the fucking game at all and assume it’s some kind of Barbie ass doll house thing and wants “the mad stunts all wicked up-ins” whatever the FUCK that means.

of course there’s the iconic, quotable, endlessly great line of “I gave it 1.5 hats out of 5 hats to keep it real.” along with the utterance of “Bro-Yo Ma”.

and then the rest of the page is just a story about this dude named Dennis breaking his fucking thumb on the wet ass lawn of the guy’s place and having his “bawling candy-ass girth” taken to the meds by some other guy named Ron, who the fuck is named Ron.

then it fucking ends with

Brotel Rwanda.

and I am fucking SOLD on the humor of this comic right after that, completely on board the moment I read this entire thing. many people get sold on Homestuck as soon as it starts, some truck along until a big moment like John: Take bite of apple. or WV: Ascend. me? Game Bro did it, the bro himself took me in his arms and showed me true greatness, he was like Jesus Christ if Jesus wore shades and a dumb looking cap that only a douchebag would wear.

and the best part is that this isn’t even the funniest part of this whole magazine, it’s this:

fucking

incredible.