WITH TIME @marsupieaux - Tumblr Blog

miss being young, doing drugs, not having a care in the world… i feel like i was sold a better future than what I got, having been forced into the “real world” and adulthood and all this bs *deep breath* i just don’t give a fuck anymore

Checking in, here. Doing this here because I don't want to exhaust the ears of the precious friendships that I have (realizing now more than ever that such friendships are the literal lifelines of this life).

I've spent nearly a year living in Thailand, and I kinda need to speak about it lightheartedly and in jest at first or else the weight of regret will begin to crush my soul. Who would've thought that the kid who could never really settle on who they were, what they liked and what they were good at ended up moving to the other side of the world in an alleged "motherland" with hopes of squaring such matters of their identity away. Well guess what, Mary... They did. And things maybe have only gotten worse.

Presently, I'm typing on the same macbook that got me through the last year of my first job and my 2 lovely years in grad school. I'm doing this on the comfort of a king sized bed, under the clinical breeze of an air conditioner, with a compression wrap around my abdomen because apparently I got a fat again--but this time, I had enough money to solve it. Too bad I ate two dinners tonight.

I don't know exactly why I'm sharing all of these ostensibly insignificant details right now. Maybe I'm trying to recognize myself--the bad and the good--in this new setting. 10 months here and it still doesn't feel like home. It feels like stagnation instead. And as of late, my time here makes me think of Anthony Veasna So's quote from Afterparties: "I’d lived with misunderstanding for so long, I’d stopped even viewing it as bad. It was just there, embedded in everything I loved." Being here in Thailand, the misunderstanding that I've lived with for so long is now right in front of my face more than ever. It's more present than my time in grad school, more than my time here two summers ago. And I don't really see it embedded in the things I love; truthfully, I feel even more shame around all of this. Part of me wishes I maybe grew up by now or something. I'm too old to be doing this.

I'm typing this in the absence of my partner, too. Idk really what else to say about this that I haven't already journaled about. To simplify and contextualize matters, I think I've let my self down again. It's kinda eerily familiar, these feelings of disappointment and lowness. It's like I am the chief architect of my life's biggest woes, putting myself in these situations just so I can pull myself out of them and feel good that I didn't "give up" or something. I can count at least 4 of these cycles in my life. Sincerely speaking, you'd think that I would have learned a lesson or two about myself through it all... so why do I keep finding myself here?

I miss writing about falling in love. I miss feeling that.

#text

marsupieaux

Using this inaugural grad school tumblr post to just yell about my woes bc idk, life is objectively not bad but I am really feeling the frustrations of living in a new city and the time crunch of only having 2 years in this mf.. mostly just feel old and lonely, and I can't think of a sadder more pathetic combo ~

on the plus side: i've never been hotter in my entire life, i finally found a groove and a crumb of inspiration in my coursework, arguably had the best summer of my life meeting new friends, and even more debatedly experienced a type of romantic connection for the first time in nearly a decade that i actually believed in.

what sucks is a lot, but lets start with that this masters program is presenting a lot more annoying and (frankly) heartbreaking challenges than i anticipated that have fractured my perception of this place and my purpose being here. i had such high hopes and expectations and truly just fantasized about this opportunity for years, and now that i'm here, i just feel more let down than inspired. at least for right now. i don't know if this is for me; i feel like i can be successful at it, forsure, but i end most days feeling empty inside. at least a little bit. i'm adding all these caveats bc it's true, some days and mb even quite often i can find something positive about this experience and how i'm growing bc of it, but good lord.. i do not fuck with at least half of the people im obligated to interact with in this program, everybody kinda already has their own people and i don't feel like there's opportunity for me to actually find friends to be with, and the coursework itself was off to a bumpy start and is just not giving what i thought it would. i'm mustering up the patience to push thru this bc i know it's not even a month in, but fuck! i'm lonely and old and i only have 2 years here to make the most of it.

secondly, and i'm probably gonna just word-vomit right now bc i'm still not entirely sure of what to make of things, but i definitely got my little heart broken recently. i started going on dates with a guy in an open relationship, and long story short, i for some reason was led to believe that maybe i could be his boyfriend too. it turns out that was never the case and probably won't ever be the case. i'm trying to make peace with that fact bc, like, i obviously respect that boundary and the kind of love that this person and their partner have with one another, but fuck! what the fuck were we doing all summer long then? just opening up our hearts to one another, sucking each other's dicks, going on picnic dates, kissing and cuddling in our beds—doing all of this just for fun?

i'll forever be grateful that this person touched my heart and helped me unearth a side of myself that i hadn't experienced in so fucking long. like, just genuinely grateful bc romantic love has felt so weird and shameful and like something i had to forbid myself from experiencing. and so when i got to really feel that feeling again... i felt so lucky and so happy and so grateful. but fuck! now i'm left with lingering hopes and mixed emotions about it all. did he lead me to believe that this could've been something greater? or is it more that i walked into this blithely ignorant, setting myself up for disaster? idk what version of reality stings the most. i wanna believe in not just the goodness of this person's heart but also the righteousness of it, idk. if i liked him so much.. if i trusted him like i did, then how could he do this to me? i say this jokingly but also not, i am just a baby when it comes to dating again. and i also wanna believe that i did the right thing, chased after love rather than ran from it. that i was brave and gentle and that it was okay to let my guard down for once bc i was gonna get the ending that i deserve. i spent years, especially the last 1.75, building myself back up to a place to let this kind of romantic love back into my life. i finally felt confident and ready. to think that i myself made a mistake and played with my own heart... that just makes me hate myself with how much disappointment I feel.

just so im clear with myself, i do believe that i'm coping much better with these stresses in my life much better than i ever would have before. *screams internally* but it sure as FUCK isn't any easier. i think i would be in a much better head space if i felt like i had a stronger network of friends here, but i just don't have that. and my own network of amazing beautiful loving friends and family—they're just so far and have their own things going on. with time, they're all growing more in their romantic partnerships and other friendships nearer to them in a way that's so cool to bare witness, but it also means that i get left further and further behind. im not asking to be more of a priority in their lives by any means, but shit i guess i wish that i even had anybody that saw me in that way. someone or some kind of community that i can feel connected with and love on back. i fear that i don't rly have that anymore. it's hard to find that again in new places, too.

i'm cautiously optimistic. i've been hurt and scorned and disappointed, but i don't think i'll turn (prolongedly, incessantly) weak or sour. life is always gonna remind me that i can't have it all, but god damn it, this is all that i got. i'm gonna find the wherewithal to persevere even if it means fashioning out of my ass the inspiration and purpose to keep going. like mitski said, you kinda just have to buckle up and take the good that comes with the bad. so if these first few weeks i find myself white knuckling my way to peace and happiness, then so fucking be it. by any means necessary, im gonna be okay.

i'm gonna be okay.

marsupieaux

Some updates:

At this point, I've processed / made peace with grad school being a disappointing experience. It was quite the heartbreak to realize that I couldn't make a future out of the thing I wanted for myself for so long, but eh--we move.

Outside of the career prospects and academic side of grad school, I've actually had the time of my life. For one, I've made those bestest of best friends that I was worried I wouldn't be able to make again. I've only gotten hotter, wiser, etc. Started topping again--that's crazy.

To the dead-end boys that taught me how to love again, thank you for leading me to my current situation. Bc right now I'm happy and ready.

To all the boys I loved in Bangkok... oh how I wish I didn't have to let you go.

Saw someone who got sober after I did post that they were 500 days sober and damn, that means I've been alcohol free for a long ass time

Can't tell if I've journaled myself into depression or had some legitimate breakthroughs

really high and really sad... unfortunately the key to managing life's woes isn't smothering them with substance use. oh the things we'll do just to feel okay

twin panic attacks disguised as a dick appointment and I was the biggest loser

fairycosmos

you'll just be minding ur business and then suddenly the air smells like an august evening in 2005

Yesterday my dad said he believed in me and that I'm still young and it's okay. Man... I just don't know tho

I think I spoke my mind and stood up for myself today

Well folks, I've done it again.. [re]learned to like and to love from yet another person who ended up breaking my heart

#text

s/o my journal and me keeping the most precious records of the most precious moments that happened to me when i was 27

#text

Can i just say that it's a little cruel of this world to have sent me 2 situationships instead of a real boyfriend all within 6 months.. and like, these situationships also arguably being the healthiest and most normal I've ever experienced romantic love in my entire life..

I need to sleep bad but my mind is insisting that I journal or do something...

just saw the eras movie btw and besides reminding me of how long the actual tour was, i found myself smiling kinda the whole time like aw. life is actually so manageable and good, even if i have to manually adjust my attitude to make me actually feel it.

it's the first couple days past eclipse season and it's off to a swift and bumpy start like... the anxiety has been torturous today. i used to never be anxious or like perceive myself as someone with anxiety? 😭😭

my poor wallet.. that's how you know things are terrible bc my money management is just piss poor rn.