J. Marten C.

A person with many things to figure out still I talk about being transgender, being sad, and comedy. Not specifically in that order

[martenjones]

I have a new tattoo, my parents aren't visiting anymore, and I'm feeling better. 

Thank you, nice people of tumblr

[martenjones]

Thank you to the people who have reached out to me, it fucking means a lot. I want to reassure you that I'm not going to hurt myself, I'm not going to drink or do drugs or anything like that. I do feel like shit and it is really upsetting. But I'm writing things out so I don't do anything that will make me feel worse so please don't worry about me making bad decisions in that regard. 

My brain is being a bummer town, worse than it has been in awhile. But I'm here and I'm working on it.

But really, thank you. It's easy to feel alone and it's easy to feel not necessary so it's good to be reminded that those are not true thoughts

[martenjones]

[bestrooftalkever]

[martenjones]

Here is a weird/sorta sad thing I did in 6th grade:

In English class we had to write a book, or something like that. I'm pretty sure it had to have several chapters. My book was called 'The Book of Kings'. The main character was a young, poor white boy growing up in the south during the civil rights era. His best friend was a middle class black boy. Oohhh, so daring! The MC's dad was out of the picture, his mom didn't really have a job and was taking care of a new baby. It's possible that MC's dad was physically abusive/alcoholic or someone tries to rape his mom. Only a vague memory of that part. MC would spend most of his time with best friend and best friend's family kind of took MC in. MC and BF became obsessed with a book called 'The Book of Kings' that talked about famous historical kings. The boys would pretend to be different kings and shit was great. Racism racism racism toward BF's family but they deal. They decide to take a trip to a rally in Washington, D.C. and bring MC along. Guess who's speaking at the rally? Martin Luther King, Jr.! Boys think he's the greatest. Get back to their town and MC goes to his trailer/shack. To find that his mother had killed herself and the baby. Yeah. MC is basically adopted by BF's family and they grow up together. Last chapter, turns out that MC has been narrating as an adult. BF was murdered. As an adult. By like street toughs. What the fuck dude. Then 6th grade philosophizing about how MC and BF were really the kings. Deep.

But seriously, what the fuck? I will say that this was when I was introduced to the idea that suicide was a thing that could maybe happen. A nice kid we called Scoo took a whole bottle of aspirin and wasn't in school for a week. He came back fine or as fine as someone can but it made me realize that maybe I wanted to die. So. Yeah. But really, this was an assignment! I can't believe I didn't get sent to the counselor or something...

[martenjones]

DBA, part two

Start here: DBA, part one Continue here: DBA, interlude

I'm going to make this the final one, finally. It will be outrageously long. Bone up.

He called a couple of times after, I talked with him once. A long talk that hurt so much but really solidified how I felt. A few months later he left a voicemail, he was staying with his mom and didn't know what to do without me. If I called him back he would know we still had a chance. I've always been happy he gave me that out. I decided to swear off guys for awhile, even when I met a sweet guy on the subway. He was looking for gallery openings in Chelsea and came to check out my boss' opening. He called me later inviting me over to his place for a homemade dinner. I never responded and never heard from him again. I got into a relationship with an amazing lady. That went to hell, partially because I wasn't treating my depression, and then I was finishing my undergrad degree. I got accepted to grad school. The July before I started grad school I got a text from an unfamiliar number. "Happy Birthday" "Thanks but you're a month early. Who's this?" "You were always were better with dates than me. This is Jason." 

A month later the same unfamiliar number texted me. "Happy Birthday" I never responded.

[martenjones]

So was that the right Jason Amos? I tried to paste the link in here but it wouldn't let me.

Yes! Since you're anon I can't reply privately (or I don't know how) and I wanted to provide him with a little bit of privacy. Thank you for passing it along, it's really weird to see current photos of him! But it looks like he's doing well and I'm happy for that!

[martenjones]

DBA, interlude

There are two disclaimers I want to get out there: First, and less important, the time period is only approximate. I have a bad memory for those things and it's been over 6 years since this part of my life happened. Second, and definitely more important, I really, really want to make sure that I say that I don't think Jason is a bad person at all. At all. While we were dating, we were both dealing and, probably more often, not dealing with emotional and life baggage. For my part, I had been in a psych ward because I was suicidal a few months before we met. I was young and I wasn't sure how much I liked myself. I wasn't comfortable talking about my feelings. Even now I'm trying to figure out how to communicate my feelings to other people and establish boundaries and just everything and I'm currently in the best mental shape I've ever been. I don't know how I would be in a relationship now but going all in, very fast, and losing myself in another person is a thing I've done in several relationships.  I think with Jason and I, our problems complimented each other in just the right way that it was really enticing and really combustible. We were so drawn to each other, it was unbelievably intense. I think a majority of his actions were kind of thoughtless but not because he didn't care. I don't believe that he purposely hurt me at any point and not because it's easier to believe that. Jason was very sensitive, just like I'm very sensitive, and somehow we couldn't completely explain that to each other. I wish that I had better details of the good times because there were long stretches of good times. We would fight but fighting didn't define our relationship at those points. He was interested in me, he wanted to know about me and my life. We would talk about art and movies and books and we would go out and experience these things. There was one time where we were laying on his bed and I was laying on top of him. I must have had a long day because I fell asleep on top of him and he let me sleep that way for a long time. And he loved that, it was one of his favorite things to bring up.  Because we spent so much time at DBA and because I was so willing to fold into his life, things probably skewed more to his friends, his interests, and his life. The majority of our relationship I facilitated this. This is not me making excuses for him and his behavior, I just don't think that assigning blame is useful.  I got hurt. I got hurt pretty badly. It's only very recently that I've been able to see past that and look at the situation from the outside. Fucked up things happened. That is the truth. It sucks, I'm sad that those things happened. I can't say who got hurt worse nor does it matter. I don't think either of us got out unscathed. Unfortunately I can only write from my perspective. I'm going to try to be fair but I also know that I'm only capable of so much.

[martenjones]

DBA, part 1

That's part one. I'll try to do a part two but no promises. 

[martenjones]

I've now fucked this thing up several times doing the same fucking thing.

I'm fucking done.

[martenjones]

meh is me

[martenjones]

All the feels about TCGS

And now here we are. I love TCGS but I hate watching this prolonged death. It's hard to be around because there's still so much good and life in it but I'm getting to the point where if it's going to die, can we just let it die? I'm going to be so sad that day, regardless of the fact that I'm not going to be losing any friends or any of the experiences I've had. It's magic that will be gone. It will be a little less chaos. And I will miss the fuck out of that. I never want TCGS to end. Never. It's so enmeshed in my life at this point that I cannot imagine what it will be like without it. I. Cannot. Imagine. That. Universe. But I'm tired. 

I'm tired of waiting and worrying. I'm tired of trying to predict how I'm going to feel. I don't know and I'm scared of that. I think I could handle it but maybe I can't. And I can't know until it happens. I can't know until it happens. I can't do anything about this. I can't save the show with my love. I can't replace the people who make the show work. I can't make the newer fans understand what it's like to feel this way. I can't change their optimism and, even though it can be grating, I don't want to. I was them. I remember what it felt like to finally be heard and accepted. I've learned to feel okay about myself, even love myself, through TCGS. How do you prepare for that to leave your life? 

I don't regret anything I've done or seen because of TCGS. I'm tired though. I don't know how to prepare for loss and I already feel it slipping away. I don't know how many more false finishes I can take and I don't know if I can take the final final end.

I'm miss simple decisions.

[martenjones]

I'm shocked by this, really, truly shocked

[bestrooftalkever]

[martenjones]

This is it! I can never come up with anything better than this so I should probably just quit tumblr

[martenjones]

Baby boy and I taken a mid morning snooze. Note the hind paws on thigh action.

[martenjones]

If the nipple falls off “just throw it in the garbage”: When FTM Top Surgery Goes Wrong

Your fucking culture alienates me - Bikini Kill

Yo, TERFs, thanks for dehumanizing me!

[martenjones]

Today my friends and I saw this beautiful, amazing man. He looked like a Greek statue, literally. He was 6ft something, wide shoulders, small waist, and the ass of a god. It was mesmerizing. 

I hope that someone carves a likeness of him so that the world will always know about this unbelievable, walking specimen.

But really, dat ass!