Nomasheri @marvedoutcherry - Tumblr Blog

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Happy Graduation

Flooded with emotions.

Monday it is.

Finally.

All the HARDWORK.

All the hunger.

The fatigue.

The depression.

The pains.

Tonight, pays off.

I get to graduate.

Just me. Nonti, Biggie, & Nikkie Bear.

I said.

Phd.Piercings.&China.

#graduation #support

infpisme

Depression in July.

Here we go again. On a friday evening. From the outside, you would imagine that my life is together and moving just along as it should.

Actually, I am fighting long standing and evolving depression. I am the kind of person who is strong for all. I thought I was resilient enough to weather the challenges of daily life. But my demons have visited me again. I feel hopeless and feel no need to try anymore. I've come to understand my cycle- months of high spirits, living, loving, exploring and contentment. And then every winter andf other month, I am in slumber of emotion. depressed, wanting and craving to end it all. For the last few years, the only thing that has kept me alive is the fear of death. But what is really scaring me lately, is my indifference to that pain. I am becoming more and more convienced that the pain will only happen once and all will end. darkness. nothingness will prevail and all these emotions that live in my head will sieze. I think of how my sisters will feel. I think of how my death will impact them, and even if I dont talk to them everyday, I think how much this will stain their happiness. Its tough.

Its not love the that will save me. Its not material things that will save me. Its not success that will save me. I feel a soul-level kind of fatigue. I feel so tired I wouldnt care if anything happened to me. I am paralysed by all emotions. I am walking but I am not there. I cant concentrate without getting lost even if its just for 5 seconds. I forget my thoughts before I can even speak them.

for the last months, I have just been going to work, coming home and getting into bed. I wear the smile. I tap into the happy persona. I see my boyfriend, we laugh eat and talk all day. But deep down, I am just really tired and I want to sleep forever. Over the years, I suspect my emotional balance has been getting eroded. I can no longer be reflective and come to contact with my emotions. I am at a point where if anything bad happens to me, I no longer get stressed nor reactive. I dont recognise it for what it is. I just dont care and I move right along.

I feel like I dont belong. Like I am fundamentally flawed in some way. I can't seem to fit in anywhere and I am not meant to be. I live my life is intentional solitary.In fact- I feel like for the longest time, I have had no one to depend on. To really talk to and tell them how much I am so tired of everything. I feel like I am finally caving in. I have only one friend, whom I seek out. When anybody shows intentional care to me, and I can sense the genuinity of it,and then I feel pain- this pain goes something like this " How could it be that you can care about me when my own parents are unable to" Its very hard to accept that care withough first testing it..I feel likeI am going to disappoint them. I feel like I dont deserve that care and all I want to do is hide. I suspect sometime they interpret this as rejection. But this is the care that I need the most.

I am afraid, that one day I am going to wake up brave enough to end it all.

When I am alone, the thought seems so close and so easy.

And because I have always appeared strong and together, no one knows that this is how I feel. I mean, I am almost thirty, I should be over these feelings and living my best life. But I am just a girl who is drowning slowly and I need somebody to help me.

#help #depression #stress disorder #abondoned

Once I used to ask myself where would I rest my heavy load of plastic dreams and fragile heart.

Here. My pain is not a burden.

I have rested all the burdens of my past present and future.

#I love you #i admire you #i respect you so much #i look up to him

In this crazy world, this person here is my happy place. This person here is everything and all. A gentle heart, so sweet, so beautiful inside out. I appreciate and look up to this person very very much.

#love #I love you #home #peace #easy to love #soothing #healing

Of Anger and other mysterious emotions

To even dare say that I had known all about the secrets of my tender heart, at a point in time- seems nothing like the truth- but it is a conviction I hold dear at the back of my heart.

A truth I had long put aside, under my grandmother’s iphififa, hiding all the pain and swallowing all the lumpy pain that visits me each time I think about who I was and what dire circumstances I have found myself in- over the last four years.

I AM.

I AM - Is all i have finally been able to muster these last years. The perception and feigned knowledge of who i thought I was has been thoroughly challenged, de -constructed, confirmed and refuted. all I know is that I am. I am a canvass, that is finally learning to allow all the untruths of my self-perceptions to exit, and allow an honestly I, to emerge.

I am afraid to allow myself all the emotions that live in my body. I am afraid of coming into contact with all my needs and gifts. They have since seemed to me to be more powerful and dangerous, I am afraid to let them be lest they again reconnect me to a journey that I have long abandoned- and that is of knowing the secrets of my heart.

I am afraid to admit that I see the world differently. And that- yes that difference is special. And yes- it is a different kind of special just as everyone else’s different is. I am afraid to cry. I am afraid to open that gate of endless emotion of rage and anger overwhelm me and purify my butchered soul. For how can a gently soul be contaminated with anger?

But in that fear, I have found a shell.

A shell that have kept me prison no matter how yellow my doek is and glowing my smile is. It is as if in the safety of this fear that I have lost all my spark. It is as if in this shell, I have become the master of painting appearances, fooling my very soul even. It is in this ability to control the out pour of anger and rage that I have forgotten how to let love in. It is in this shell that I have burdened my soul with a one sided story, that is to give manicured love. Love that says, here- take everything that I am, but give me nothing in return. Here- I am an endless supply of feel good, but do not think of me a worthy of a reciprocity for I have an anger and therefore too contaminated to ask and receive the same love.

The happy that I seek to find seems to move constantly like a meteor. The speed at which i am finally getting what I materially want does not seem to match the speed of what my soul needs. and yet, every new day feels like I have been impatient for nothing, for when the sun rises, I am becoming more and more grateful of my own life’s struggle.

I have recently been pondering a reason why I should not want my soul lessons to come and leave me too quickly too soon. I have a subconscious feeling that my existence is and will be equivalent to my struggles, and to consume my struggles and victories too soon, will shorten my span of existence and purpose.

This picture of me is taken in December, 2017- by my dearest friend Zinhle. She is laying in bed and I am getting ready for work. The one major reason i have full access to a happy smile is how she loves me unconditionally. with my flaws, drama, fears-this very fear- and the small apartment I live in.

I am in this moment not afraid to present the fullness of my humanness. I am not thinking about anything but what I pleasure to share this moment with her. she is grumpy, in bed and hyping the hell out of. telling me that BROWN has returned. But in the grumpy is where I find she is most sincere and funny too.

sigh. I am lost for words.

#anger #emotions #feelings #friendship #jozi #johannesburg #love #healing

I am turning 29 on Sunday. Its December 10.

My year has exactly been as reflected by these two images!

Extremely challenging and extremely rewarding.

I had my first soul lesson-that is- never to over extend myself trying to save the world. There are vampires and narcissists and all sorts of emotionally violent people out there.

That should acknowledge and honor my intuition. That to love should never have to be hard.

Grateful for having met Nik The King of Swaziland. For the first time in exactly 10 years, I feel so alive and appreciated.

I am grateful for having reconnected with Zee, my sisters and school.

#tumblr birthday #happybirthday #empath #enfp

HAHA.

Wow.

That is to say the least.

Man,

I love my mid range intense obsessions with beautiful souls.

Sexy Motherfucker with a damn attitude. I love this already. ,

#leather jacket

https://soundcloud.com/future-paradisehttps://soundcloud.com/future-paradiseThe Nolstagia of the homelands,

Epic times in the village.

On my grandfathers white truck. Sitting in the back eating a peanut butter and jam sandwich wearing matching tights and crop tops that revealed bare stomachs. Toothless gums and never ending smiles. Toes peeping through crossed sandals and heels dirty from the red ocher soil. Giggles. Skipping about in endless bouts of energy. The love and warmth of the African sunset intensely etching memories that would stay with me for the rest of my days.

His name was Mbongwa Zeblon Tsabedze. He was the kings accountant. I still remember the way he held his cigarette leaning out from my grandmothers bedroom window on Saturday mornings.

Its particularly the gentleness in his voice and his ability to sit un-bothered in our living room without his shirt on. I reminisce of these times with a heavy heart.

I miss the man.

If he were alive, I would still have a place to call a home.

https://soundcloud.com/future-paradise

#mkhulu #grandfather #missing #love #swaziland

Shall we?

My heart is purely filled with love and gratitude.

I am grateful for the new friends that I have made in the last 3 weeks.

They are such an eclectic bunch of love.

#love #friend #peace

POWER GOTTA BE MY APHRODISIAC. POWERFUL CHAPLIN. I LOVE YOU

#power #seduction #aphrodisiac

SEE, I never wanted to be anything specific growing up. I never had a calling of becoming something specific. Instead I wanted to become all and everything depending on what was catching my interest at the time. In 2007 when I completed my matric, having qualified for anything I would have chosen to study- and yet had dismally failed accounting with SG E, I went on to apply for Bsc Sci Accounting with Wits and I was accepted, albeit as a late applicant. Needless to say- I dared myself to go and attempt that which was my weakness- Accounting. I never went to check what were my results at the end of that year. I assume I probably failed. But nonetheless I went to face that which scared me to numbness. I never allowed fear to control my decisions and capabilities Still- I knew and know that was and is not my calling. But I am glad I went ahead to find that out. Because that just that experienced, opened me to a world of what curiocity and fearlessness tasted like 10 years later after my matric, I have done a lot. I have joined a covert graduate programme, volunteered my skills for an NGO, Managed a bar, ran my own business, operated an art gallery, dabbed in management consulting, wrote banking industry exams, volunteered at a museum, slept on the floor, met the deputy president, travelled and distributed alcohol, ran a pricing team ( albeit short). and now- I want to body build, travel more, cook, attempt to make the best burger in the world, get a Phd, participate in women empowerment, travel Africa, run a bar in china get more tattoos and piercings. I am precisely everything and all that I have ever imagined I would be. Wordly, daring, curious, happy, sometimes a little too cautious, limitless and fearless. I make bad decisions sometimes, sometimes I surprise myself. I have been stretched, challenged and tested in ways only my spirit understands and is only beginning to appreciate. This is how I want to live my life. I want to live my life untamed by societal agendas and expectations. I want to live my life free from abantu bazothini syndrome. curious and as purely as my soul agrees. Happy Friday Comrades. See you behind the counter. I am bartendering tonight. See you at PM. Nazdravi.