Felicemente Innamorato @maryadrianbautista - Tumblr Blog

I am not Okay

I don’t know to where I am angry at. But the certain thing is I’m greatly broken and in pain.

I was left behind by the person I thought will hold my hand forever.

But he left me when I needed him the most. He left me at my worst.

And now, I’m so angry with the world, because everything gives me pain by every waking hour.

To love is to let go.

We grew apart. I did became toxic. I am depress and stress.

When my relationship started, I am complete. I am ready. But during the pandemic circumstances broke me. Love problems, family problems and eventually work problems.

Everything took a toll on me.

So this is me letting go everything. I will start a new job this April, broke up with the first guy I ever dated and love. Well, I cannot trash family so, but at least my dad is in abroad and my mom will leave in a week’s time.

I love my ex-boyfriend, I love my parents and my work. But I need to let them grow so that they can grow and I can grow even if it mean I ‘ll grow apart from them. Because my love for them is no longer healthy and happy.

I am crying today, but I know when I see that letting them go works, then I will be the happiest.

But for now I’ll sing Small talk by Katy Perry.

A letter to the 16 years old me.

Hi Mary/Eyan/Adrian,

By today you are now 26 years old, and in a few months you’ll be 27. time flies so fast and your innocence was long gone by now. You still have your favorites but you like many things that you used to hate before. The conservative and country girl that you used to be is non-traceable.

You sometimes wish that you know things before becoming 16 but it’s just a wishful thinking. Lucky you were not a curious child before and never goes beyond your limit. I am actually so proud of who you were and was actually jealous of your strong façade. I miss you as well. I miss the Mary that no matter what the circumstances maybe, you always do the next great thing. You care about what people say but you still follow your guts. I wish I am like you again because I am a pickle minded person these days. I wish I am like you again who was so happy alone that a relationship is not even in your vocabulary. I wish I was you again who just needs an alone time to be completely happy and okay. I wish I was you again who thinks that she can be great.

I am proud of who you, but are you proud of me? I wish I could talk to you and have your inputs in life because it used to be so good.

A lot of things happened and in the process I’ve lose what you used to have. I know that I can never be who I used to be but if you could read this, I know that you’ll also do the same things I did.

By the way, in few years after you graduate in college, workmates will call you Ian.

Train Slap.

My aunt is one of hell of a frank person. “Ay siya ned hindi ka priority, dapat miss ka niya, it’s been a year. Hindi ka man lang matulungan.”

Now it just hits me to the core, that yes I’m not a priority.

I have a beau for about 2 years and he just got home after a year of work. During his stay on board, he’s promising me time.

But just like the old times, it’s just a wishful thinking and empty promise. I asked if he could be my companion for 2 consecutive weekends going to Manila because I badly need help, but I actually wanted to be with him because badly missed him. But as usual I was downright rejected by like the precedents request of mine.

His reason? “Hindi ko pa kasi napapasyal pamilya ko” He quarantined for 4 consecutive days with his family, he drove his dad the fifth day, then I spent the first weekend with him just for 3 days to be exact. Then he went home, we had a fight ad spend the rest of the weekdays with his family who are not actually working and stay at home. So can’t he make “pasyal” with his family during weekdays instead?

For the last year, I trying to not to ravel because he said so. Because he wanted to be with me when I do, so waited. But this request s actually a need not a a silly stupid petty request. To be honest, he was never there when I need him the most. HE’s just around when things are pretty and leave me and not actually talk to me when things rough.

I pretend to be tough in my family’s eye but, right now, I am writing this crying my self out. I feel like a Barbie doll that being played around whenever the little wants to play and just be disregarded whenever.

I cannot tell all, I know that there are much more painful things in the world, but this is me, writing it out because I want the old me back. The tough cookie who is charming and adored because I’m so independent. I want the old me back, if only I can take out my hypothalamus without killing myself.

Workventure

Today, I chose to love my self more than what I love the most. Work.

Every time that I take a lift of faith, it scares me to death. I love embracing new challenges but uncertainty makes me just a mere human all the time. But, I chose to let go and welcome uncertainty the moment I forwarded my resignation a month ago.

It gave me a sense of freedom and fulfillment knowing that I will let go of all the toxic emotions that built up in my system in the last 4 years. It was such a bumpy ride that I have different drivers along just to end up driving the car on my own for the last 2 years.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the adventure but driving while learning how to drive is something that pushed me to leave yet it gave me the wisdom to now be the cable driver. I was so high for the last 4 years with the consecutive promotions and increase, I know that I am one lucky lass. But this trip to Baguio will now come to an end and I’ll be visiting new roads ahead.

I started this journey five years ago, its like an eternity already. But one thing I’ve learned over and over again is that I’ll always come home in Batangas.

What’s Wrong?

What’s love?

Each day that’s passing, it’s getting harder for me to define what’s love.

Each day that’s passing, it’s getting harder to know who I am, what should I dream of and what should I look forward to.

Each day that’s passing, it’s getting harder to look back to who was Mary these past years.

Each day that’s passing, it’s getting harder to know what I want.

Each day that’s passing, it’s getting harder to bring back the joy of yesterday, yesteryears.

Each day that’s passing, it’s getting harder to say I’m happy.

There are these questions that I don’t know if I have the right answers. Did I change? Did the people around me become indifferent? Do I really love the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with? Am I genuinely happy?

A few months back, I’m certain that I know who I am but right now I can’t even answer my own question. What’s wrong?

Hello! Old Friend.

When I was little, they said I should fear death for death will end everything. But as I grew up, I realized that death is an old friend knocking on my door when it’s time to leave.

I no longer fear death nor contemplate what will happen after. No one came back to tell the story after death neither. We can never tell if there is an afterlife if there is purgatory heaven or hell. But one thing is certain to me. Never regret anything while living. Do what makes you happy. Live your life and not the ideals of life. We all have endpoints, it might be sooner for others and it might be later for some. It Is more inevitable than change. Life is a storybook that might have multiple volumes and chapters but will all come to an end. No matter how long, how beautiful, how colorful the journey, the thing is it will still end and might be painful at times but hopefully when death knocks, smile and great him with a wide smile bidding him “Hello, old friend”.

Arguments

Getting a little older, I realized that inner peace is far more important in day-to-day living. I argue most of the time when I was a little younger but these past few months, I’m getting tired of all the dramas and rage that arguments bring. I’m learning the art of having a flat affect now which my Professor taught me way back in college.

Reincarnation

Human beings... some are believers of reincarnation wherein we will return in this world after death.

Right now, I don't know what to believe anymore.

But, if there such thing, I have billion of questions.

Is there away to remember your past? Some says most of your mannerisms and likes came from who you are before. Will your soulmates be reincarnated with you at the same time and moment? Well if this is real then why many people these days separates? Do I look like my previous self? Do I have the same status in life? Was I a former well known person? Hopefully I was not a killer before, right? And my list of questions goes on and on.

I recently watched a series and a deity asked his co-deity this, "why humans want to be humans again?". And somewhat I asked my self if given a chance do I want to be a human being? Well I can't answer my self, if given a chance I want to be an angel or just stay in a place where there are no need to "try". A place where I won't suffer and things will just be the same everyday. It's hard to keep on living here on Earth with my life. I have to make the ends meet. So if I ask my self that question, well I want to be another being. But thinking that reincarnation is true, would my former self have the same answer with me? Would he/she what's to be reincarnated as a human again and again? Is it that worth it? Will I still find meaning with my life right now?

Well, it's for me to find out.

It's not the length

How will you know if you love somebody?

Well you wouldn't know but you'll feel.

Some says if you'll survive life's trials together then he is the one but come to think of it, not because "he is the one" doesn't mean you love that the one.

It might be because of acceptance that he or she will be or the mere fact that he or she stayed.

For me, love can be measured by the intensity of feelings that can't be determined by the length of the relationship but by how you feel and experience with the person.

It is that high intense feeling that no matter how much you don't believe in love, still, it will make you commit and won't think twice being with that person for a lifetime.

Random Facts

Do not date me - it's cheaper and euphoric to date other girls for 3 hours in a motel that will cost Php 350 than dating me (having lunch or dinner) for 2 hours that cost more or less than Php 2,000.

Yes to Pills - I rather have flawless skin and healthy body than having my own family (husband & children).

A Degree is a must - I guess I will acquired 3 more degrees in life before really falling in love (Next to impossible).

Single life - I enjoy being alone. I don't like intimacy and I don't like people touching me (yes, it includes my friends and family, as they say, I'm allergic to people).

Ambivert - I like talking to people but I don't like opening up my life and myself.

To be a Nun - I once dreamt of being a contemplative nun (but I guess it's not yet my calling, please take note the YET).

The In Between

Most people love the chase, they love to undergo the process because apparently it gives them the satisfaction and fulfillment. But, I'm one of those who loves only the endings and hate the beginnings and the mid-stories. I hate the chase, I hate the nitty-gritty happenings. And I simply love the saying "the ends justify the means". I hate the surprise of in between. Actually, I just simply hate surprises. I'm actually fond of books that starts with an Epilogue because it gives me an assurance of what to feel and it sets my mind. In between makes people hope or expect and I depise that. #foodforthoughts

Chasing Cars

“ If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?”

Would I?

I can’t, and I don’t know if I can. But the moment I say yes, I guess I already have somebody that makes me just forget the world.

But, I’ll hope not.

#thoughs

Food for Thoughts #2

Last Monday night I just felt so Pathetic just because I want a person back in my life but thinking of it, I should do and think otherwise. I should not ponder with the “what ifs” because there no ifs if I chose and made him stay.

Living your life to it’s fullest is always moving forward and looking forward towards future.

Going back and moving backwards will hinder the concept of your “Living the life to it’s fullest”.

When you left something/someone, never get it/him/her back. Because things will never be the same. Second chances really means change the course of your life, not going back to the faults and memories of the past.

#toletgo #moveforward

Food for Thoughts #1

There is a secret in this world that people don’t know a secret but we experience.

There are keys to unlock genuine happiness and contentment. And most of the time you are upholding that key.

The bible says love is the greatest, love songs says love is addicting, psychology says it a mental indication due of the neuro transmitters pass through your hypothalamus, but for most it is what makes us human beings.

Love generally isn’t evil nor good. It is a genuine feeling that is the comorbidity of happiness and pain. But come to think of it, love is generally a choice.

We chose to feel, we chose to love.

And the secret to be happy?

It’s a choice that you chose to feel.

To be truly happy, you must feel everything including the scrutinizing agony brought by pain. To be truly happy is knowing that you are pained but it passes through your life. Only then you will be happy. Why?

It’s simply as knowing that you’re happy because it’s a different feeling that you felt when you’re sad, in pain, angry or mad.

#foodforthougts tolove tobehappy feelthepain

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Felicemente Innamorato