And sleeps.

You want the fairy tale. I want a chance at it. Hi, I'm Maryanne. 19 years and 4 feet, 11 inches tall. I originally created this blog for my Personality Psychology class (yes I'm a Psychology undergraduate, therefore I am psychic). But doing so made me realize how much I miss ranting. I mean writing lol. So here is an attempt to rekindle my enthusiasm for self-journaling and introspection. Or maybe to affirm my lack thereof.

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It’s okay to allow yourself to get caught in a cycle of I’m Dones and Square Ones. Youre doing the best you can by deciding to be strong.

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A letter from my future self to the present—

Dear College Student,

You are part of an extraordinary generation. A “selfie generation,” they called it, requiring one to share and post each others’ wealth, prestige, beauty—a hierarchy of who has achieved the most so far. Aside from requiring you to have a smartphone, this generation also requires you to be smart. And with the whole world watching, you’ve got to indeed, withstand and rise above the pressure. You have to be a force, not only one that goes with the current but one strong enough to make change occur.

Now to make this happen, we go back to the basics. Using Newton’s Second Law of Motion, F=ma, you may be reminded of what is truly essential for you to accomplish. We can break down this formula into 3 components.

MASS. This is your passion, your vigor, your thirst for excellence. You were always told to do your best in your academics. Not only in academics but in every other commitment like organizations, volunteer work and other extra-curricular activities. You have had your taste of failures and successes, but every single one is a learning experience. You must always strive to bring out the best outputs, mostly because you will want to succeed. Mass is also the amount of effort you exert to reach the top of the food chain. Because you were brought up to always “Go big or go home,” you must always exert a lot of mass. But mass alone cannot make objects move.

FORCE. Force is one that acts on an object. Force is your motivation, the reason behind all the efforts you exert to become a wholesome human being. Growing up in a school run by nuns, “Let your light shine and be a blessing” has never left your consciousness. All those catechisms, outreach programs and one-on-one interactions with factory workers, fisher folk, street children and abandoned elderly had softened your heart, teaching you to give all that you can. This intensified even more when you entered a State University, opening your eyes to the harsh realities of society. Given this, it is only fitting that you keep in mind that everything you do should be for the people. To serve the underprivileged would be your highest mission and greatest achievement.

ACCELERATION. Acceleration is movement and change. Your dedication to your work and motivation to serve work hand in hand to insinuate social transformation. With you continuously exposed to the plight of the less fortunate, greater is your potential to make a difference.

To be nothing short of excellent in your chosen career path to serve the people and to effect change, this is your mission statement. This is your guide as you go through the rest of college with sleepless nights, tedious research papers, reports and organization commitments. You are here for a purpose and that is to be a blessing to those in need through your compassionate service.

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I wish I always had the guts to do a Fat Amy

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I, I did it all I owned every second that this world could give I saw so many places, the things that I did With every broken bone, I swear I lived The first time I heard this song (it was sung to me on my 18th birthday), I knew that this would be the theme song of my life. 

I make a lot of mistakes, I’m not pristine perfect with the perfect body nor a perfect mind.

But a lot of moments in my life lead me to believe so. Every now and then, I experience having lived and being so fulfilled and happy. Here for instance, is a list of the things that I am immensely grateful for (which only includes the last week):

I turned 19!

Received flowers for the first time! And not just any flower, a sunflower.

Two friends all the way from another university surprised me on my birthday by demanding that I wait for them after class because they were on their way to UP

Successfully presented a research on Social Dominance Orientation and Forms of Help with my groupmates. It was our first ever research study.

Birthday hugs

Personal birthday greetings -- I never received these because for the longest time, May 19 meant no classes. Thank you, Acad calendar shift

Got letters! I love letters!

Had lunch with a friend I had not seen the entire semester and then an unexpected HOHOL with my orgmate. It felt good to just sit there, not spending too much and talk about just anything.

Someone made a poem (actually 3 of them) for me.

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Self-Analysis

Here are the things I came to realize about myself in doing this exercise:

TRAIT

Before I entered college, I was always motivated by my need for achievement, which was pressed upon me initially by my parents. I reaped its fruits later on when I graduated.

I was also always thrust by my teachers into leadership positions, reinforcing my need for dominance all the time.

Stepping into college, I refused to be a wallflower. I wanted to stand out and fit in at the same time. My need for exhibition would show up from time to time. I also learned the importance of having someone to be there with and for me as my need for affiliation would push itself up more often than not.

Looking at my Masaklaw na Panukat ng Loob scores, these showed that I scored high on Extraversion and Openness to Experience. Both traits explain why I people find me to be constantly smiling or laughing at everything and being game for just about anything all the time. But despite being open to experience, I would always get distracted instantly. 

It is nice to take note that I would place myself among the people who scored high on affect intensity. This would explain why I would feel very sad or very happy on both ends.

HUMANISTIC

I always need a gentle pat or hug on a daily basis for me to feel that I am unconditionally and positively regarded.

I shouldn’t always blame myself for every mistake I commit. I am only human after all.

It is important for my ideal self to overlap with my real self. If not totally overlap, at least not entirely incongruent. I get bothered and fidgety when I do things that distance me from my ideal self.

Every action and inaction is a choice. I play an active role in how my life pans out and I must always be aware of this

It is an ongoing struggle to please myself. I am my harshest critic. But with the people in my life, I know I get by.

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I tend to overreact.

I can be overly enthusiastic over the simplest things like a new pair of shoes or Friday nights or a smile from my crush. Being extra happy all the time is what most people see witness from me at first glance. 

On the other hand, there would be times when I would feel so sad. Pictures of sad puppies, tragic stories and movie clips of death and drama would find me tearing up in a corner. 

It is both a blessing and a curse, to feel everything so very deeply. I see now that this quote has some psychological basis (and is not just there for the sole purpose of #hugot). Affect intensity pertains to how much a person attunes to his or her emotions. High affect intensity people would, just like me, feel very,very happy when something pleases them while also feeling very, very sad when something bothers them.

I would say that feeling everything that has to be felt in this world is indeed a blessing, no matter how bad the emotion. Living life to the fullest would entail one to do so, to explore, experience and enjoy every single thing.

On the other hand, people with high intensities may find the problem of letting their emotions cloud their judgment. 

So if you, just like me, have a relatively high affect intensity, then I would suggest always “following your heart but let your mind lead the way.

Cliche, yes. But also the proven truth.

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As told by my close friend’s mom. And as told to me by said friend.

On some days, I just need doses of unconditional positive regard to get me through.

(I have this quote written in my planner)

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To my neurotic self,

You are doing the right thing.

You are an okay person even if you don’t have all the answers at the palm of your hands.

You don’t have to ask yourself, “Since when the f*** were you ever this needy?” It’s okay not to be strong and independent all the time. The same way that it is okay to hate people you trust for downplaying your frustrations and not caring. Sometimes, just sometimes, your need for abasement, need to surrender and self-deprecate may find its way to your consciousness and it’s okay to let go.

You will break down for a few moments from time to time, and after those 3, 5, 10, 30 minutes of crying to no one but your pillow, you will stand up.

You may not have everything in your life all figured out, but this is not always a sign of weakness. It simply shows that you are gracious enough in defeat, humble enough to recognize and accept the things you cannot change.

You are doing the right thing. You have never been or have ever been not enough.

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I am shy

Me: “I’m shy”

Other people: “Shut up Maryanne” “Nope” “...”

I’d like to explain myself. 

Growing up, I was always the quiet nerd at the back of the classroom. I only interacted with people through reciting in class, asking questions and in groupworks. I would keep to myself at home, reading novels instead of going out to play. I never used to considered myself an extrovert. I was so painfully shy that my teachers used to tell me to “speak louder and open your mouth. You know the answers, why aren’t you confident?”

Thanks to these people, I got to wiggle out of my comfort zone. I joined organizations, ran for council, agreed to go out with friends more, made the first move (wink wink). And now I can’t imagine myself being anything but a bouncing ball of sunshine to these people (or as they would describe me). 

Now I don’t hear people telling me to speak louder but to “shut up” instead because I almost always CANNOT.

Yes I know, I’m (so much) more extroverted than introverted. Not shy. Not at all (maybe sometimes)

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You can do anything but not everything.

David Allen

This was my anti self-handicapping goal for the semester. And by self-handicapping I mean saying yes to editing the group’s document, yes to attending that org meeting, yes to taking your brother to school, yes to finishing that genetics chapter for tomorrow’s exam ALL AT ONCE.

I myself have fallen prey to this so many times. I am prone to feeling so small when I could not finish reviewing or not make it to an important event, disappointing some people along the way. It was only when someone enumerated all the responsibilities I said “yes” to that I realized I was trying to be Superman.

There is only so much a person can do, no matter how much we’ve been taught growing up. Not being able to reach your ideal self as you expected to would lead to a bothered mind, anxiety and doubt. If there’s one thing I love about this quote is that it doesn’t necessarily tell you to dream less. Nor does it mean abandoning ship all together. It just means widening the range between the person you are right now and the person you want to be. And not beating yourself up too much for not pleasing the greatest critic that is your own self.

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Dear College Freshman self,

Congratulations! You have passed one hell of a bridge called High School. The structure was shaky, made you hyperventilate once, twice, thrice or more times than you could remember (yes, hello College Entrance Tests, sleepless nights, 4th year requirements and council duties). You were always the achiever, the goal-getter, the most ambitious one without even trying. Teachers, parents, friends, parents of friends--everyone was looking at you. The pressure cooked you like a boiling broth, the competition was always tough and steamy but you are a survivor. And now here you are!

COLLEGE--  Graduating from High School with honors was great for you. Another feather for your cap that has been flashing its gold, silver, bronze-colored feathers for the entirety of your stay in your Alma Mater. Unfortunately, your feather cap is just another one of the array of feather caps you will find in college. You are just another achiever in a sea of all the best achievers in the country. Some people may even be brighter, better, more ambitious than you ever were. You will experience failing marks, terror profs, competitive blockmates, self-doubts, oh how all these thoughts will drag you down. Am I really cut out for this? I thought I was smart, do I still have what it takes? I’m not brilliant enough, WHAT NOW?

It’s okay. Yes you used to be an achiever. But in college, you will discover other needs that will motivate you to expand your self-concept. You may still have a high need for achievement but you should not limit yourself to academics. You may choose to join an org, go out more often with friends, attend events here and there-- prioritizing your need for affiliation, need for play or relaxation and need for cognition respectively. And there are so many other things that you are free to try out for yourself. College is that time right before you enter the real world, a time when you will still have the energy and motivation to enjoy the different things life has to offer. Don’t let these moments pass. While you are still expected to excel in your academics, you were always taught to go big or go home. Let each experience be your professor and the great big world of possibilities be your university.

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Murray’s Psychogenic Needs, the Big Five Theory

...and a bit of the Humanistic Approach

These will be the overarching theories that I will use to explain each behavior or belief I exhibit in every entry.

Traits are relatively stable over time and across situations. They are also dynamic and their existence may be established empirically. Choosing to look at the traits I score high on (in reference to the Big 5 or Masaklaw na Panukat ng Loob Scale), I may be able to use these as baselines for explaining behavior and personality. It may be interesting to find out and analyze what underlying impulses and presses drive my self to act in certain ways.

While I am aware that there may be things that I am unaware of (such irony) that motivate me, I like the idea of the person being in control. It makes so much sense to attribute each action or inaction to choice and personal choice alone. Balancing it out with the trait theories that are supposedly dynamic but stable, I think it would be interesting to see what role I allowed myself to play and what choices I made that contributed to my behavior.

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WHAT IS IT?

I have decided for the most part of this journal to address myself through letters. (i.e. Dear 8-year-old self, Dear physically unhealthy self)

My writing skills are probably rusty so please bear with me.

On that note, I might also include the occasional quote, song lyric, poem (I will try) or selfie, I mean pictures.

Along with the occasional aforementioned may also be the occasional #hugot (yes this is an open warning, I do these A LOT) 

I might also be connecting psych concepts from time to time, intentionally or not, directly or discreetly. 

Let’s do this

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First Post

THIS IS A SELF-JOURNAL

This journal was created for the purpose of fulfilling a requirement for my Psych 150 (Personality Psychology) class.

I have found this experience not only interesting (yes, the idea of self-introspection is fun), but also something that I very much need for self-awareness and growth.

Therefore, I may decide to keep adding entries here long after the deadline for submission of this blog has passed.

Enjoy!

P.S. Thank you Ma’am Jang for this exercise :)