lion-hearted girl @maryturner - Tumblr Blog

Never Too Late

As part of my purging efforts of the last few months, I forced myself to go through a large Rubbermaid bin of mementos I’d kept from elementary through high school. It felt so very strange to rummage through these items and letters that all triggered different memories from a decade or two ago. Most of it ended up in the recycling bin and the garbage, including the dozen of embarrassing diaries I’d kept from age 8 to 18. I did keep a very small fraction of things. Some pictures, concert tickets, notes and letters, and some of my poetry. Going through this was like looking at some snapshots of who I was when I didn’t put much thought into who I was. It seems like I’ve always liked planning things. I wasn’t so good at following up and through, but I did like to have a plan. I liked having fun. My friends were incredibly important to me. My interactions with boys were heavily tainted by my interactions with my father. I believed in my own will and strength, and I believed in truth and fairness. I loved playing with words, writing stories, songs and poetry. This is who I was at my most basic, raw self. For many reasons that I really won’t go into right now, I lost sight of this in my early twenties. I was looking to please instead of looking to be myself and improve on myself. Looking back now, I know that I started putting myself back together when James was born. And again in the past few months, as I’m going through this rigorous exercise of ridding myself of dead weight, both emotionally and through the things I keep in my home. This is a beautiful image to me: I reopened a box I’d kept shut for years, looked at all the pieces of my life, let most of it go and kept the pieces that still bring me happiness. It’s never too late to start fresh. And it’s never too late to pick up hobbies you’d put down years prior. And it’s never, ever too late to find out who you are, and who you want to be.

January

Last night, I proudly crossed off the last of my five January goals. They weren’t big, life-altering goals. On the contrary, they were small things that had success built into them: Finishing a knitting order, finalizing a pattern, reading a book, write to my sister, and put money in my savings. While these may seem unremarkable as standalone goals, going as far as calling them tasks instead, they all fit within larger plans I have for myself this year: create my first hand-knit collection, make writing a part of my daily life, and saving money to buy property. I’ve learned a while ago that a good way to reach a seemingly unachievable objective is to break it down into small steps. After all, every mountain is climbed one step at a time. I wasn’t quite ready to put this into practice until last year, when I started writing down these small steps in my daily agenda. All of a sudden, I started seeing progress. Then I saw this progress gain traction from my increased motivation from seeing progress. I’d applied this process to renovation plans and homemaking endeavours. This year, with the changes my family of two has been through and will continue to go though, I realized that I could apply myself to bigger projects that would previously have seemed unachievable.

Shedding

With the changes that I've been making in my life in the past couple of months, I'm now realizing that I've been shedding quite a bit. I've greatly reduced the amount of my earthly possessions through a rigorous purge, and I still have a way to go. Clothes, shoes, linens, furniture, knick knacks, toys, baby clothes... everything is being evaluated for usefulness, relevance and joy factor. I've let go or am still letting go of some expectations I had for myself. I wanted James to have a sibling or siblings close in age to him. This will clearly not happen. I wanted to find a life partner. I'm realizing that this isn't what I actually need. I always thought of myself as the quiet, boring, mousy girl. The more room I make for myself, the more I see a vibrant, playful and strong woman. I'm also letting go of many insecurities. And by that, I don't mean that I'm suppressing them or pushing them away. Insecure thoughts will always be present in my mind, but I'm becoming more and more aware that these thoughts don't define me. I was always afraid to be under qualified for my work. Turns out that I'm fixing issues years in the making, both at a technical and HR level. I was always too afraid to take the jump and truly devote myself to starting my own business. I've finally started laying out a plan where I won't need to compromise and will get to do things my way. I was thinking today that I feel lighter. Perhaps this is why.

#blog #singlemom #single mom #single parents #confidence

Changes to My Social Media Use

I never really thought I'd have to write this. As you guys know, I've been living a fairly open life on social media: I talk about good moments, bad moments, I explore my strengths and weaknesses. Reading other women's similar, relatively unfiltered thoughts on platforms like this one has been greatly helpful for me in recent years. I always figured that if their posts inspired me to better myself, then maybe sharing my story could one day bring a needed element into someone's life. Our children will be the first generation whose baby books will be online. And until very recently, this didn't really bother me. I'd thought about it, and figured I'd make changes necessary to my online presence when James would start school. It turns out, however, that these changes are necessary right now. I've been pondering about how much to say about this. Should I keep my reasons to myself because it's no one's business? Would my silence reinforce mechanisms of sexism and patriarchal toxic masculinity? As with most things, I hope to strike a balance: being honest and open about my current struggle, without going into details that would make me uncomfortable or be unnecessarily unkind. It has come to my attention that James' biological father was going through pictures on my feed. I don't know how seldom, or how often; to the best of my knowledge, he had blocked me off all social media. He had made it very clear when he found out that I was pregnant that this was not something he wanted in his life, and given this information, we both agreed that I would be raising James alone. There has been no contact since. (Trust me, it was a messy time, but it was for the best.) This is a problem to me for two reasons. First, if one would like to see their child grow up, one needs to participate. I've shouldered all the emotional, physical, financial and professional burden of raising James, I don't see why someone who has pitched in nothing would get to have some sort of anonymous access to this wonderful boy. I have always been clear about this: I would not deny him access to James, on the condition that he is in his life to stay and that he participates in raising him. Second, and this one is the most alarming one, allowing James' bio-dad to learn about him through social media could lead to uneven ground if they connect later in life. If bio-dad knows a lot about James and James knows little about bio-dad, it would be really easy to create the illusion of a (non-existent!) bond, making James vulnerable to emotional manipulation. Both in practice and on paper, I am James' sole parent. It's my duty to make choices that protect him now and in the future. In order to protect his privacy until he is old enough to make his own choices, any of my accounts posting pictures of him will be set to private. For now, this means my main Instagram account will be set to private, and the pictures I post there will no longer be pushed to Twitter or tumblr, as my Facebook is already as private as it can be.

#blog #singlemom #single parents #privacy

Conquering the Mess

I have messy tendencies. VERY messy tendencies. Until I became a mom, I was often late for appointments, missed a lot of them and was altogether quite disorganized.

At the risk of sounding millennial, I’ll put part of the blame on my childhood. My parents were both fairly messy as well when my sister and I were growing up, and getting places on time was a one-off.

Consciously or not, when James was born, I started changing my approach to order and time management. I couldn’t miss his medical appointments, he had to be fed at specific times, his clothes had to be clean or I’d run out… Essentially, I had to start structuring my life.

I also had to step up my game when I moved in with Matt. He was very set in his ways, and he thrived on order and routine.

That November, I bought Emily Ley’s Simplified Planner for 2016. I got it on sale at Indigo, and figured I’d give it a shot. I’d never stuck with using a tool for a full year, but I definitely felt the need to have everything in one place. Turns out that I used this planner daily for the whole year. I used it to write down my work and home to-do’s, my meal planning, numbers to call back, appointments and notes. So much so that I ended up buying the 2017 version of the planner!

All that to say that I’ve come a long way in organizing myself and my life. Obviously, sometimes my plans go out the window because of unforeseen events, or in favour of other plans, but the foundation is there.

As part of my ‘finding pleasure in the process’ intention for 2017, I plan on writing down me-time and James-and-I-time. I want to plan at least one fun activity per week: movies, hike, painting, baking…

I also want to plan in the less fun albeit necessary things like laundry and cleaning. Again, looking at aligning my actions with my values: I value organization and (some) order, and I should therefore act accordingly and get my shit together 😏

In the end, to me, it's about establishing a good "life hygiene" and passing it down to James.

#blog #2017 #emilyley #simplifiedplanner #planning #planner #agenda #motherhood

lovelydisneys

Shifting Focus

I had a bit of a rough year in 2012, and in December that year I said 2013 would be “the year of Mary”, and in many ways, it was. I discovered an inner strength I had no clue I had, and made a lot more room for gratitude. It was the year I got pregnant and gave birth to James, so although the year was very much about him, it was also about me growing up enough to become his mom.

Then I said 2014 would be all about focusing on him and I as a family. And that’s exactly what happened: I stayed home most of the year, and when I went back to work, it was for a job which allowed me to balance career and family as a single mother that not many other jobs would have allowed.

Then, I knew 2015 would be about companionship. The last few years, albeit filled with love, left me longing for a partner. And again, it happened. Matt came into my life.

And finally, I had a sneaky feeling that 2016 would be about big moves and big changes. Boy was I ever right. I bought a house with the man I thought I’d grow old with and sold him my shares of that house just a few months later. He’d decided this wasn’t for him.

So as I’m contemplating my intuitions about 2017, I can’t help but feel there’s a clean slate in front of me. I don’t believe in resolutions, but I do believe in intention and motivation. This year will be about learning to enjoy the process of things. I tend to focus solely on my goals, and look forward to the moment I achieve them without really taking the time to enjoy the ride, so to speak. The problem with this attitude is that I’m missing out on being present and in the moment. And it discourages me that I don’t make “sufficient” progress “fast enough”.

About two weeks before my relationship ended, I started meditating using the Headspace app. It was truly one of the most amazing coincidences that have happened to me: these guided sessions helped me clear my head every morning during a time of grief. I’ve obviously faced some challenges during the sessions, one of them being that I want the feeling of having meditated without actually having to meditate, if that makes any sense at all. One thing that was mentioned is that if we get bored with the exercise (as I tend to get bored with the journey to achieving my goals), it’s because we don’t show enough curiosity for the exercise itself: noting the differences from one breath to the next, how our body feels with each breath.

After hearing this, I gently changed my approach: instead of meditating to feel good after, I was going to meditate to see how my body felt while breathing today. That simple shift made a huge difference in my practice. I approach the exercise with more eagerness and curiosity.

So this is what I intend to do: find pleasure in the process. The process of purging my possessions, the process of saving money to buy a condo, the process of getting that promotion I really want.

I’ve only ever really managed to be present in the moment when it comes to motherhood. From the get-go, I knew that this might be my only chance to be a mother, and I made sure to soak up every minute of it. The house rarely got vacuumed, but I got to cuddle my newborn for hours every day. I want to transpose this attitude to myself. I need to realize that this is my only chance at life, and that I need to soak up every moment, not just of James, but of myself and my journey.

My motivation is simple: I want to align my actions with my values. I greatly value independence and yet live in my mother’s basement. I value simplicity and yet own so many useless things. I hope that by shifting the focus from the goal to the journey, from the big moments to the little moments, from buying the condo to saving for it, from being good at meditation to just meditating, from leading a simple life to simplifying it, I’ll be able to be curious about finding out who I am, the same way I’m curious about finding out who James is.

And maybe, just maybe, this will make my daily life more enjoyable and fulfilling.

#2017 #new years resolution #meditation #goals #happiness

muxer-rebelde-deactivated201310

emotional abuse is when someone does something to hurt you, and when you express your feelings, that you’re upset, they turn it around to be something you did to hurt them and they force you to apologize for it, and your feelings, like always, are rendered invalid and silenced, forever damaging the ability to trust others with your feelings because they always are used against you.

brav3andwild

this is important because so many people don’t know this

julia-ruth

If Hermione Were The Main Character in “Harry Potter” x

dualipaqueen

A P A T H Y

So what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me? Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children both living and dead, Rest in peace my true love, who I took for granted, most bomb pussy, who because of me, sleep evaded. Her shroud is loneliness, her God is listening. Her heaven would be a love without betrayal.

alabama-spivey

The cinematography of this show is flawless.

tomellisarchive

fight club (1999) | mr. robot (2015-)

pocdisneys

girlswillbeboys11

He is such an underrated character. He was a cinnamon role and just wanted to help the entire movie. No Hans bullshit, no pressuring her into a relationship, just love.

breelandwalker

He gave support, he was patient, he was unconditionally kind, he accepted all the difficulties with child services and all the weird alien visitors with barely a blink. He dove into the ocean to rescue Stitch because Lilo was worried. And through it all, he proved that he was more than willing to do everything in his power to help these girls and make them smile, without any thought of a reward or being “owed” for his friendship.

Even his line at the end, when Nani thanks him for helping her find a job (”That’s okay. You can just date me and we’ll call it even.”), is delivered with a certain amount of humor, and his behavior throughout the rest of the film shows that he would still accept it if she turned him down. Because more than just liking Nani, he RESPECTS her.

David Kawena is the ultimate Disney prince.

rosebudmouth-deactivated2016092

Being introverted in the sense of having a hard time reaching out to people and initiating a conversation while appearing somewhat self confident is the prefecture mixture to be perceived as bitchy