Primarchs, according to thier Starbucks Order
A discussion with @mazarinedrake lead us to agree that Pre-heresy, Fulgrim was That Bitch that showed up 15 minute late to Primarch Meetings with a Starbucks, but also the guy with enough decency to also have everyone else’s order too. Ergo, Pre-Heresy Primarch Starbucks Orders: Lion El’Johnson: Orders a Black Coffee then puts like 10 sugars and 20 creamers in it once he gets his hands on it.
Fulgrim: Sugarfree Coconut Milk Iced Coffee, but DID bring everyone else’s order too so ppl don’t judge him that much.
Perturabo: Tall Americano
Jakharti Khan: Trenta with as many shots of Espresso he can convince the Baristsa to put in, and a 5-hour energy for “creamer”.
Leman Russ: Complains that starbucks doesn’t have Beer, gets hot chocolate even though he’s both allergic to chocolate and lactose intolerant.
Rogal Dorn: One Black Coffe ™
Konrad Curze: Triple Expresso, poured into his can of monster and drunk in front of Dad, God and everyone else.
Sanguinus: Decaf Unicorn Frap with Organic cane sugar and almond milk
Ferrus Magnus: Complains that what starbucks makes isn’t TECHNICALLY a macchiato, but orders it anyway
Angorn: Never specified an order but the time Fulgrim gave him peppermint hot chocolate with marshmallows and sprinkes was the first time he did not use the hot beverage to assault someone SO-
Roubotte Guiliman: Would have a Pumpkin Spice IV drip if possible.
Mortarion: Extra high fructose corn syrup, six shots, creamer-instead-of-milk Unicorn Frap. Do NOT mix his and Sanguinus’ drinks up.
Magnus The Red: Order starts as a caramel macchiato but has so many substitutions and persnickety instructions that when it’s done it’s not.
Horus Lupercal: Keeps trying to order a “Double Double” and doesn’t understand why Starbucks and Tim Horton’s don’t have the same menu.
Lorgar Aurelian: Bottled water becuase Coffee is IMPURE (nvmd the morality of bottled water)
Vulkan: Matcha Frap, but he keeps smuggling Hotsauce in his armor and pours it in. Everyone politely pretends not to notice.
Corvus Corax: Lone Tea Drinker in the group. Has the Barista write “Black coffee” On the outside though.
Alpharius and Omegon: Their order is delivered to the local starbucks in a dead drop and changed thrice weekly. The barista is supposed to only open the envelope when Fulgrim or another Recognized Representative places an order for “Lord Alpharius” BUT what nobody’s realized is the barista all got sick of that shit after like, a week and has been making stuff at random. Each thinks they’re being trolled by the other twin and refuse to be the first to crack.
I can imagine Angron having this mental breakdown over this fucking peppermint hot chocolate because “it’s so FUCKING CUTE I CAN’T FUCKING STAND IT I HAVE TO THROW THIS WITCH DRINK MAGNUS IS FUCKING TALKING AGAIN AND HE NEEDS TO SHUT UP BUT FUCK THE SPRINKLES WILL GET EVERYWHERE AKMSDNNEKDKDNWJFHTJSKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-” and all the local psychers wince because hot damn that’s a breakdown. The room breaths a sigh of relief when he murders the straw out of the wrapper and starts taking little furious sips from it rather than throwing it at Magnus because he’s been spending the last 5 minutes yammering on about how the baristas forgot to reduce the caramel by half and used almond milk instead of oat and “yes of course I can tell the difference, RUSS, and I can assure you that this is very important.”
Konrad is a coffee heretic who inspires me.
[KONRAD IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL CONFIRMED]
